I lost it with DD today. And where do I get support in London?

[Rainallnight]

She’s 4.5. Her behaviour has been so difficult lately (well, for about a year, but in peaks and troughs and especially in this lockdown).

She kicks, hits, bites and screams and it’s mostly directed at me.

Today she dropped her biscuit and lost it and ended up hitting me.

I snapped and really shouted at her. Said some awful things.

I think I’m very burnt out.

The post adoption support team still hasn’t even allocated anyone to assess us for the Adoption Support Fund, six weeks after asking them.

So. I’m partly just venting.

But I also wanted to ask for recommendations for where to get help in London. I think we’ll end up paying.

Our GP has recommended the Anna Freud Centre. Any thoughts?

Thank you for reading.

I am from London, though not living there now, and I would go to Beacon House Org UK if I were you - they are not in London but an accessible distance if you drive (or if your 4 year old likes trains and you can occupy her) and they have expertise in developmental trauma and adoption related things, and adopters on here have given good reviews. They are the ones who have done the videos about windows of tolerance etc which are frequently linked here. They have a team of clinical psychologists who assess and a wide range of therapies available, and have made a video about working with schools and GP etc so that all therapeutic work is in tandem.

I hope that you manage to find the help you need, I am sure that the right help is out there.

In relation to you flipping your lid, you can explain and repair and reconnect with your LO. For you, EFT tapping is good for getting a handle on your emotions and feeling calmer and more in control.

Thanks very much for replying.

Beacon House sounds amazing, but would sadly be too far for us. And it looks like they’re only taking referrals for kids in Sussex at the moment.

I had a good chat with DD about what happened.

I’ll look into EFT tapping

Family Futures?

Try contacting www.pac-uk.org if your LA is a member you are automatically also there is www.frg.org.uk google if you can not connect have a help line can phone.

So Sorry-forgot too add www.first4adoption.org.uk just click on support has list of what adoption support should be available for.' ring fenced at £5000pa except for long term life time disability's UP TO £50.000pa. . not including School PP+ £2300pa. Above |Orgs are quoted Pac-uk are in London.

Family Futures is very thorough, but also very expensive. An assessment will set you back £2300. The Anna Freud Centre and PAC are also very good. The Anna Freud offers self-referals I think (you would need to check their website).

When you talk to your LA it helps if you have an idea of what kind of support you are looking for: Theraplay, a therapeutic parenting course, a creative therapy, Play therapy? You can find a good overviews on First4adoption and get a feeling for what you might be looking for.

Does you original placement agency have an open door policy? Could you call them for advice? Ours was incredibly helpful at the time.

Currently many LAs are offerering free membership of The National Association for Therapeutic Parents and The Adopters Hub, you might want to enquire about that. The NAOTP offers regular listening circles.

You could post on AIBU for traffic (change your name and don't give details unless you are on for a bit of AIBU!) and see if anyone can PM you with a recommendation for a clinical psychologist with expertise in working with young children with developmental trauma in London.

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Contact head of adoption service and ask for date of assessment pointing out that it's been 6 weeks. Ask if you can go on a Non Violent Resistance Course. Copy in Director of social service.

If response copy it to the cabinet Member for Children services and ask for their complaints policy.

Thanks, @rose69. The post adoption support is run by one of the new regional hubs, so not quite sure where the senior accountability is now.

I wouldn’t usually be shy about complaining!

We used Anna Freud for an assessment but then they couldn’t do the therapy they recommended (DDP) - it then took us 15 months to find a therapist...

I liked Anna Freud - and felt they got our problems. And understood our child. 2.5 years after initially being seen by them and 7 months after starting DDP therapy - we are beginning to see changes to our child

I would copy in the director for you local authority and ask for it to be passed onto the relevant director of it isn't them.

Sorry you are having a tough time OP. I've been reading this thread with interest as my LO hit me in anger for the first time today. I've only recently discovered the adoption board on Mumsnet and have been avidly reading through some past threads so I'm starting to get more of a picture of the challenges our little family may face. The hitting incident today, wasn't a big thing but it's made me want to explore a bit more around suitable strategies if it happens again. Thanks to the poster who linked to 'windows of tolerance' as I think it maybe a starting point.
Sorry if my thread is a bit rambling and don't mean to hijack your original post but do want to say I'm really glad to have found the adoption board as it seems to be full of very experienced, positive and helpful people!

@Hels20 I think it’s really reassuring that they recommended a treatment they didn’t offer - sounds like they were focused on what was right for your DC

Try Mulberry house.

As far as shouting goes you can explain why you lost it and how you are dealing, safely, with your anger - without hitting anyone.

Plus if she is hitting you then you do need some strategies to protect yourself.

Have you let adoption services know that she is being violent with you? Have they suggested anything to help?

If not, I would email urgently and follow with a call, or vice versa.

We had to ask a lot of times to get help. They just kept saying tell me what's happening. Telling my situation felt briefly theraputic but I needed action. In the end I phoned in tears.

They need to know what you are facing. Keep a record of all calls asking for help.

Good luck.

Sorry Mulberry bush School bit I think they do some outreach work too.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2010/jan/03/mulberry-bush-sanctuary-traumatised-children

mulberrybush.org.uk/

Oh my I could've written this myself! My adopted daughter is 6 and she hits all the time. We've tried everything. I rang our adoption agency a few weeks ago for help on how to handle this behaviour and I am still waiting to be allocated a SW.
It is stressful isn't it .

Hi, once you're allocated to a SW, I would recommend you also asking to be put on the Great Behaviour Breakdown course (GBB). They have great strategies. Once the course is finish you can reach out to the trainers for support and they even provide 1-1 support sessions.

I hope that you have found the right assessment, OP. I just wrote an epic post on another thread about how much more help there is available now compared to ten years ago, and thought of this thread. I also attached links in that thread to articles about being triggered by dc - here they are in case they are helpful to anyone (it always helps me to remind myself of how to try to hold on to calm, for sure)

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/When_You_Lose_it_With_Your_Child
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/angry-child-triggers-parent-control-self
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/The_Secret_of_the_Full_Cup
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/wake-up-happy-radical-self-care-parents

In relation to the Mulberry Bush article upthread, the histories of the children sound horrendous and the work done sounds good and very important, but I noticed that the article was written ten years ago and I think what is known now about how to help children makes a difference. This isn't relevant to the OP, sorry, other than in relation to what help is available nowadays. I think that what was said there about love not being enough is dated as it makes it sound like it is an either or - either tlc or other help - whereas in fact what is needed is both and other help all in tandem - so tlc combined with whatever firm boudaries and control is needed in the early days (they call it strict love I think) together with the right therapeutic work depending on when the trauma happened (cross referencing the beacon house video on "bottom up approach"). I think it is outdated to think that some children can never be healed - which is what the article says. Though it is true that the sort of gargantuam efforts and work to help the healing should not be underestimated either.