Guilt

[Fakinit03]

Did anyone else suffer massive feelings of guilt around placement? We begin intros in a week and I can't help feeling so guilty about what we are about to do!
LO is 13 months so she won't understand what's happening at all. I know we're gonna love her and give her an amazing life but she won't know that, to her she's being pulled out of everything she knows. I also feel guilty for the Foster carer as they have an amazing bond and we're about to break that.
I didn't anticipate the washing machine of emotions that have developed since matching!

not sure guilt is the right word. Sad for him that he was losing so much after nearly 4 years with them but I knew he would most likely he would have been moved on anyway.
Thats the thing to hold on to I think. Even with the best of foster care, its still only temporary and what your baby needs is permanence - and that’s what you are giving her

I felt guilt, but it's not your responsibility. Your actions didn't put the child in care, you didn't decide which foster carer, whether they can stay with that carer long term, etc etc. You can't decide that your baby stays with foster carer- they will be moved, whether that is to you, or elsewhere. You're not breaking the bond, it's the situation/the system.

Interestingly, given someone picked me up on this concept recently, I think that guilt is down to not yet having claimed the child. This child still feels like someone else's child, that's why it feels like baby theft. (It did to me, I felt like a child snatcher.) For me, that passed. Fake it 'til you make it.

I think pre-placement emotions can be all over the place - I think sometimes adopters can be left feeling like they’re winning the lottery, while everyone else is losing something which can make it very hard to feel happy without feeling a bit of guilt too.

You’ve been assessed to be the best parents for this child, who needs permanence, security and safety in a loving home. You’re able to offer this and will be there for her to help her through the loss and adjustment. It’s no small thing to adopt a child, I’d expect a lot of big feelings to be around just now.

I felt really guilty as DS was so loved by his foster family and I didn't love him straight away. I know it was misplaced though and as he settled in and the love grew it soon passed. I

I felt guilty taking LO away from the foster carers. I needed to keep reminding myself that they signed up for this. They loved LO so much and in fact they still do. They took so many photos of LO growing up and they all looked so happy and content and I went through a phase of thinking that I was tearing a family apart. It took a few family photos of us to realise that we are LO’s family. It is all an emotional rollercoaster and it’s impossible to prepare yourself for all the emotions you’ll feel

Yes this is exactly how I'm feeling, like we're stealing her. We have an excellent relationship with her Foster carer and she is telling us all the time how excited she is for us all so that is definitely helping!

@Fakinit03

Remember that they will have had the opportunity to apply to adopt her.

That they haven’t doesn’t mean they love her any less, but that they have done a fantastic job, which was to care for and keep her safe until her forever family were found - that is you.

They have done what they were supposed to do for her, now they will do the same for another little one who needs them

I felt massive guilt around placement! FCs love him so much and they have a big beautiful house. I remember thinking he'd have been better off with them. But the feelings do pass as the bond grows. Ultimately you can provide permanence which FCs can't. Also, although we shouldn't beat ourselves up, I think a degree of guilt shows we have LO's best interests at heart and that will help us be good parents.

I did feel guilt. Guilt about little one not being with his birth parents (not my fault) and foster carers having to say goodbye to him (again not my fault). But I still felt guilt.

But I did quickly work out that it was not my fault and I was my little one's best chance for a real commitment and future. His foster parents were not wanting to adopt him, as much as they loved him deeply. And my son's social worker had selected us as being the best option for him.

So please rest easy Fakinit03, although not everyone will have felt the same as you, I did. However, you are the one for your little one, and so there is no time or room for real guilt - just accept that this is the way ahead and enjoy the journey. Your little one will soon be living a new life with you and you will have loads of time to show them how much you care.

I felt guilt with my first one and on the day he moved home i cried for the FCs loss. But I think its down to the washing machine of emotions you will be feeling - loved that analogy. However, you soon begin to focus on the positives and sorting out your own family. Trust that the introductions process works (it really does) and soon you will have your LO to focus on.

Best of luck...

I feel a sort of 'guilt'. Our baby was placed with us under early permanence at 3 days old. Last week he was granted a placement order and joy was not my number one emotion. I felt this sadness and guilt around the fact he could not be raised by his birth family. Guilt that for us to be happy, his birth family had to experience so much loss. Our son would categorically not be safe with his birth family, it was obvious from the beginning that adoption was going to be the best option for him. So the placement order was not unexpected. Of course we are delighted that this little boy will be staying with us, we will be his parents and he will be our son, but washing machine of emotions sums it up well!

I think it's healthy to have the capacity to feel all the emotions, as adoptive parents, it's a helpful skill to feel, name, manage, all the full range of emotions, and recognise when they're mixed, when they're difficult, when they're big. Much better than suppressing. Try and see this as reassuring, your baby needs you to hold all these emotions for them now, you can do this.

Thank you all, this has really helped!

We adopted one of our foster children so we knew the birth family well. When the social worker rang to tell us he had been granted a placement order and we could start the process to adopt him we found it really hard. I cried as did the social worker and when I told DH he joined in as well.
We knew his birth parents would be devastated because they so.obviously loved him but couldnt translate that into consistent care on a daily basis. Sadly adoption is always a mixture of gain and loss.

I am a foster carer and moved on a child after 9 months and whilst i wont lie at the time i sobbed, i also new i had done an amazing job and was part of something that was also magical
And that little one would move on and have an amazing life with a family that would meet her needs.

I am extremely lucky and still get the occasional photo which always makes me smile

Our DD came home 6 months ago. On placement day, the FC dropped her off, stayed for a cuppa then left us. Saying goodbye was awful, I felt awful. The FC loved/loves her so much and I remember holding my new DD with tears running down my face while my DP showed the FC out. I felt awful, like I'd taken her away. Placement day I'd built up to be such a happy day but it really was draining. It's such a roller-coaster, you just have to be kind to yourself, as PP have said, it's about the LO and knowing you are the best family for them and being strong for them. We still see her FC now and already you can see how she knows now im her mummy and I don't feel like the imposter so much anymore. Wishing you all the best with welcoming your LO.