Birth family nightmare

[NicoAndNorma]

Our two sons were not meant to have any direct contact with their birth family until they were 18 years old. However, my older son them on line and passed the details to my younger son, and the consequences have been a complete nightmare. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

How old are your sons? My 16 yr old DS found his birth mother on Facebook and I was extremely worried about it. But fortunately it's been very undramatic.

Have you spoken to social services/post adoption support? They may be able to help.

It seems no one can do anything to stop it unless the boys ask for help. They have been bombarded with messages. We take their phones from them overnight, and still we see the calls and messages coming though.

How do the boys feel about it? Do they find it intrusive? Can you reassure them that they don't have to allow other people to dominate their time and their lives.

If they don't want to cut off contact maybe they might have an idea of how much contact would be 'right' for them and then they can limit contact to the amount that they want. So they can tell the birth family eg that they want contact by Facebook messenger only and they will check messenger maybe once a day, or whatever they feel is right for them. I'm pretty sure that the birth family will ignore those boundaries, so beforehand emphasise that the boys are entitled to feel comfortable with the level of contact with anybody (not just their birth family) and go through a few plans that they might be able to put into place to ensure that they are in charge and not their birth family.

well the genie is out of the bottle now so it will have to be dealt with

You could block the numbers, take phones etc away completely but I assume as the older boy went looking, he is at the very least curious.
It might sound counter intuituve but your best way of handling this MAY be to facilitate contact
Things I would be asking myself

What is our relationship like - do they trust us
What were his motives in looking for them - did he want contact or was he just curious
How do they feel about the messages, are they scared, pleased, curious
How do the messages look to you - forget the volume, what is the tone, content,
Do you think they are a threat to the boys, as in a safeguarding issue. Wanting to contact your adopted children is not necessarily a safeguarding issue. Does it look as if they have changed their lives.

You need to sit down with both of them separately and ask them how they feel about the calls and messages, are they scared, happy, overwhelmed?
If they arent happy about it, close down all their social media, new accounts locked down, new phone numbers.
Will the boys ask SW for help.
Nuclear option I’d suggest is talking to the police about restraining order

Sorry didnt mean to end quite so abruptly - sidetracked by pesky work!

Its very difficult to know what to do but I think there are two key questions which need to be considered, putting your own feelings aside

What do the boys want and are the birth family a real threat

good luck

Agree with Ted. And really emphasize talking to boys seperately.

Good luck. It sounds very difficult.

How old are your boys? A 13 year old and a 18 year old will understand and navigate the issues very differently. @Ted27 gives excellent advice here, you may not be able to stop it and it may be in advisable to stop it but coping with the level of contact sounds tough.

Social work can’t do anything to stop it (even if the boys ask, they can’t monitor everyone’s communication indefinitely), but they can and should provide support to help your boys process this new development. I’d go back and ask for support in navigating relationships and contact with birth family rather than asking them to stop it.

I am an adoptee and had contact with b-fmother as a child. I broadly agree with the other comments her, and I think the ideal would be that you as the parent can have a good look at all the mesages and in other ways get to know as well as you can the b-family landscape, then manage both dc's expectations (even 18 is still very young), put things in context, help them with feelings, shoulder the load, facilitate the relationship drawing on the positives - where there are things which are very undesirable help your dc process and learn how to handle them. The positives about this happening at this age is that you are around to help.

If only it was that easy!!

Social media is now very instant and disappears leaving no trail you can follow. For example, we saw pictures of a birth family member with our son when he should have been in school, smoking a joint with him. By the time I went to take a screen shot it was gone again.

The boys have been fed messages rewriting their history, telling them were abused by their foster parents (untrue), the adoption was rushed through and was invalid, we don't support them, if we had looked after them properly our older son wouldn't have experienced the severe difficulties he has had with RAD. etc. They travel to our home district, give the boys presents of money, vapes, clothes, sweets etc, and have come to our home and threatened my husband.

I feel very strongly that it is simply unreasonable to expect adoptive parents to manage this. There has to be an independent party that negotiates contact between birth families and adopted children and facilitates it. Abuse of children doesn't only affect the children, the trauma is passed on to the adults who see their adopted children live with the consequences and try to love and support them through it. The impact of our boys early life trauma has affected every aspect of our lives for 13 years, lost friends, destroyed homes, I have been been beaten black and blue, and scared to be in the house alone with my son, we have fought for help, given up careers etc.

We have been badgering social services for therapeutic support for the boys since November, our funding application is still on going. I've never asked for contact with genetic family to stop, just for the children to be safeguarded and for the progress they had made in recent years not to be undone.

I think we are too late and our family has been destroyed.

@NicoAndNorma
this sounds horrendous

there are two things here

People turning up at your house and threatening you, giving children drigs are police matters . Go to the police today, you need restraining orders

have a look for the Potato Group, this is a group of expreienced adopters with teenagers, there is a wealth of exprerience here.

@NicoAndNorma

thepotatogroup.org.uk/

It sounds as though this has been going on a long time - do you have a timeline, as that might help you to get useful advice? What professional help have you had for RAD and the life story work over the years?

When did they turn up at your house and what has happened since then? Has there been any civil discussion? Did you call the police? What are the flood of messages saying now? What have your boys said about what they want to do?

In terms of managing it, your SW has said that they cannot stop it, and nothing else?

UAE Post Adoption Contact (research dpmt I think?) have resources about managing contact. It is aimed at how to manage contact best at the outset whereas you have a crisis situation, from the sound of it, but they may be able to suggest people who may be able to provide some expert help, to provide advice or mediate.

I’m so sorry OP it sounds like your sons birth family don’t have their best interest at heart. A major part of the reason I changed my surname on Facebook and locked it down so tight is so that my son can’t find me via social media and hopefully therefore will pursue the correct channel if or when that time comes

Contact is poorly managed all round and the service offered is clearly not fit for purpose

Please do get a restraining order to prevent them coming to your home and threatening you or your husband.

Keep channels of communication open with your sons and support them as much as you can. Counselling may well be useful for them to work through their emotions with someone impartial.

So sorry this is happening, and I am deeply saddened as this is the kind of behaviour that makes life for birth parents like myself harder than it should be.

OP I am so sorry. I have no advice except that you get social services to help and find a way to support you and the kids.

If I were in your shoes I think I would be taking this higher with social services and perhaps putting in a complaint or contacting my MP but I have never been in your shoes so that may be terrible advice.

Normally, complaining to social services doesn't get you very far and one might fear the children will be removed etc, but in your situation it sounds like the family situation has broken down and you need expert help very fast, and protection. And if that is not forthcoming social services have failed you and your children miserably.

This sounds awful! Is there any chance your children could have some life story work done? Why is the LA taking so long? I agree that you need restraining orders.

What are the timescales for applications by local authorities to the Adoption Support Fund?
Receipt of an application from the local authority will be confirmed within 1 working day. A decision is made within 20 working days and funds will be distributed to local authorities at the end of every month. Once a decision has been made, the local authorities can commission the therapeutic services. This means that services can get to adopters quickly with the knowledge that funds will be distributed from the ASF to pay for it.
Source: www.first4adoption.org.uk/adoption-support/financial-support/adoption-support-fund/adoption-support-fund-qa-local-authorities/

I don't know your boys so I don't know if this is appropriate, but I would consider reading their CPRs with your boys (and ideally a therapist), so they can see what happened back then and why certain decisions were made.

How old are your boys and where in the U.K. are you, because that will affect the options available to you?

The situation sound awful, and your family clearly needs help - the help available will differ a lot depending on those two factors.

Definitely get a restraining order on them. Make sure you record every little thing.

How old are your sons?