School return

[Jellycatspyjamas]

This is a Covid thing, but there are particular issues that are about adoption so I’m posting here for a sounding board, some perspective and advice please.

My two are 8 and 9, been with me nearly 4 years so placed at nearly 5 and 6. They had very different experiences in their birth home and in foster care - they were in foster care for 3 years and my 8 year old particularly had a terrible time. The upshot is they both feel any difference in treatment very keenly - it can cause a lot of distress and anxiety for both.

My 8 year old is able to return to school and was very excited about this, my 9 year old was very upset not to be going back. My 9 year old is significantly developmentally delayed and has thrived at home, with some part time schooling in the mix. My 8 year old is very bright and meeting or exceeding all academic expectations.

We agreed with the school that they would hold a full time place for my 9 year old but could send her in part time so she could have 1:1 time with me, which is very beneficial for her development. My 8 year old went back happily yesterday but this morning pretty much refused to go because it was his turn to stay home with mum - very distressed at the thought of not having that time with me that his sister had and lots of anxiety about the unfairness of that.

I kept him home and we’ve had a good day together. He’s now saying if his sister has a day at home, he should too, and I can see his point.

So I have some options, I send them both back full time, which would meet both their needs for fairness, I let them both have a 4 day week which would meet my 9 year olds need for time at home, or I send him back full time, let her do 4 days and treat is as a “life isn’t fair” type lesson for my 8 year old (with the resultant distress and anxiety that brings.

I know the head teacher well enough to know she’ll go with whatever works for us, and there are no practical considerations in terms of work or childcare. What do I do?

Hmmm, tricky! So with the four day week plan, you get three days for yourself, is that enough? If so, I would go with sending them both four days per week, as that sounds ideal, and actually maybe a wee perk of the covid giving you that flexibility. I bet both kids would do well with a special day with mum per week, I know mine would!

I don't think a global pandemic is the time to teach "life isn't fair", especially when they've experienced more unfairness than small children should.

Obviously, you know them best, but from what you've said, I would think that the best tactic.

I do not have children but am a teacher. I know the children will find it hard coming back and have lots of children with needs who will struggle more so. I would suggest keeping a routine. Children thrive with security and routine so if you do go for 4 days make it the same 4 days. I do understand that the younger one doesn’t feel it’s ‘fair’ but sometimes we adults have to do things that aren’t fair but are right for them. If they don’t attend long term then it will become a bigger issue when they go back, not getting to socialise, lost learning too. Whilst the head says it is ok it is a legal requirement for all children to attend so it couldn’t be long term. If I was in this position (and I understand that I don’t have children so feel free to completely ignore) I think I would stick to my guns. Be the ‘bad’ parent for a bit and I am sure it’ll settle down. If not perhaps could they both go and have a staggered re-entry?

Hi @Jellycatspyjamas , I think it’s great that you have such a good relationship with school. Clearly fairness is quite an important issue to the children right now, so the option to go full time or on four day weeks for both would satisfy that issue. But it sounds like the 1:1 time with your eldest has been of great benefit, so I would say if both can do four day weeks, that would tick all the boxes. I don’t think now is the time for ‘unfairness’ (in their eyes!), life has been a bit weird of late. However, and it’s a big however really...are you ok with having a day with each of the children on a 1:1? Do you have the bandwidth? Life has all been quite intense for parents recently so I think you do need to consider your own needs too.

I do understand that the younger one doesn’t feel it’s ‘fair’ but sometimes we adults have to do things that aren’t fair but are right for them.

I guess though they have a lot of experience of adults doing things that aren’t fair and we’re actually very harmful to them, so if I can avoid them doing different things re school I will do.

The “do I have the bandwidth” question is a good one, I was very much looking forward to a day to myself (I work 3 days a week), so was disappointed and tired tbh but I can plan for that going forward if need be, it was more that I had the time set aside in my head.

I have no problem being the “bad” parent, but this year has asked so much from our kids (and their parents), that I’m not sure this is the battle to pick. Yes it’s a legal requirement to be at school, and usually it’s a non-negotiable but I’d be very interested in having the “legal requirement” discussion given there’s been little consideration of that from the local authority while they’ve been out of school so much this year.

It’s tricky finding a way that works for them both, it might be that 4 days is the way to go.

Is there the option that they both go back full time but take it in turns to have a day a week home

Oh the bandwith thing (and thats so important!) you could make it a duvet day kind of thing - literally a rest together -just watching favourite tv on the sofa etc, a proper down day for all of you, rather than putting pressure on yourself to do too much fun etc. If they need to get out incorporate that in and stick to a routine of whatever works for you - all go for a run/walk then trampoline disco then sofa time, something that is a routine but not adding pressure on yourself kind of thing??? No trying to homeschool that day!

It's harder if the four days plan leaves you with no time to recharge, isn't it?

Such a difficult balance.

rereading your post it sounds like you dont want to hold your 8 year old back academically in the aim of fairness? what about if the sofa time included child led computer based learning - ipad/kindle time - with their own routined time for things like mystery science/reading eggs/maths seeds etc or to present something of interest to you from her learning subjects from Twinkl in a powerpoint? Something that gives her a chance to develop her learning interests while still allowing home time and rest time for you all. So many great home learning resources now could be something that works for you? or they read to you on the sofa, get some great reading books on with popcorn for fun?

Fairness is so important to my 3 too. I think I'm your circumstances I would be inclined to send them both for 4 days and let them both have a day at home. All being well 🙏 they'll all be back to school full time from the 15 th of March so it's not for too much longer.

Would they accept a weekly change so each child goes to school nine days out of ten?

So Mondays are 1 to 1 days that they alternate and then your other non working day is for you?

I would be a little worried about setting a precedent with both children. How difficult will it be say in six weeks when either both or one of them want to continue this? I would be minded to be very clear about how long this arrangement can and should continue right from the start.

I agree that this is not the time for 'life isn't always fair', especially given their history. My two get very fixated on this as well - their experience has been that there isn't enough (love, food, care) to go round, so the more one has the less is left for the other, even if that is no longer the case.

So, I would probably go for 4 days per week each. Then try to find something interesting going on for the days your 8 year old is due to stay at home and give them the choice. Maybe if they can stay at home if they want to it won't be so important? If not, then just use the time to hang out together - emotional health is more important long term than academics.

DD2 was not happy about having to go in at the beginning of term (she qualifies as vulnerable) but quickly realised it was more fun than staying at home.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it’s been interesting for me to hear the different views on this. We’ve gone for 4 days a week each at the moment and it’s worked well for them both, they know there’s a point when they’ll both be in full time but at the moment it’s the right thing for them to both have some time home with mum.

While school attendance is important, we’re in an area that isn’t dogmatic about attendance levels, within reason, so there’s no issue from a school point of view. Their well-being is massively important and my daughter particularly can find school very anxiety provoking so while not wanting to suggest that she can pick and choose, I also want her to know that sometimes it’s ok to take some time to catch her breath.

I’ll do another 4 day week this week and they’re both back to full time, and full classes, the week after at which point I’ll play it by ear.

My two get very fixated on this as well - their experience has been that there isn't enough (love, food, care) to go round, so the more one has the less is left for the other, even if that is no longer the case.

This is exactly the issue, with a side order of “we love one of you more than the other”, so any difference in treatment is massively triggering for them both. Sometimes dealing with the fall out from that is way harder than just treating them both the same to begin with, not least because their distress levels are so awful for them to go through.