Why didn't she mention her new child?

[Justwonderingwhen]

Hi all,
BM writes to us every year. Last year she gave birth again and we were approached by social services. Turned out baby would not be put up for adoption and we have heard nothing since.

In her last letter, she made no mention of new baby. I thought she might briefly mention "X has a sibling". She didn't even allude to it, just said she had had a busy year.

I'm not an idiot, I appreciate that may have been her choice and that's fine. Doesn't seem like her though - is it possible letterbox have told her she isn't allowed to write about it? I want her to know it's ok to mention the new baby if she wants to. Also, it would be nice for my child to have some basic info about her new sibling. Not sure how to approach it? Would letterbox be of help?

I would speak to letterbox. Could the child have been placed with someone else?

I'd definitely ask about this. Your child does need to know he has a sibling or half sibling out there and it's important you have accurate information.

Also, if the child is now adopted you may be able to ask about some sort of sibling contact if you and the adoptive parents wish to, although I am not saying this would be best for anyone, just a possibility.

I’d ask social work directly, she may not want to tell you about the new baby, which is her right. She may be completely unaware that sw approached you about the new sibling, or feel awkward or embarrassed that they did.

Social work can give you basic information for your little one but I wouldn’t expect her to share information in her letterbox contact necessarily - can you see that it might be very difficult to tell the mum of a child she lost about a child she is hoping to keep this time round.

Yes I can absolutely see it would be hard for her, which is why I said I know it may be her choice. I'm simply wondering if there is a rule about letterbox.

Thanks all, I will contact letterbox. As far as I know, child was staying with BM and there were family options (different BF). I know the child's DOB and name. I didn't mention it in my letter box to her either as I didn't want to upset her either.

It's good not to upset her but I don't think this is just a letterbox issue, I'd ask the social worker just got into for your son. Good luck.

just for into

Do you really Have a right to ask? Maybe she just want a to be private?

I have a huge respect for BM as we share a beautiful child. We have always had very open communication and I'm simply wondering if letterbox have told her she isn't allowed to say something. But then, I'm guessing you are someone with your own axe to grind.

My DD’s BM has gone on to have subsequent children who have stayed with her. She volunteered this info via our annual letterbox contact. We now get photos from her which wasn’t part of the original agreement but which DD is delighted to receive.

As far as I know there isn’t a hard and fast rule about sharing or not sharing information about subsequent children though obviously it will depend on the individual contexts. Fwiw whilst it’s been difficult to support DD to process the fact that half siblings could stay with BM when she couldn’t, it’s definitely been really helpful for her long term and I’m very grateful BM was able to share that info with us.

I think it's unlikely letterbox told her she couldn't write about the baby. And I'm saying this as someone who did find out about a sibling from a letter sent via letterbox. In fact the coordinator phoned me in advance of sending the letter so that the news didn't just drop on my door step.

@Justwonderingwhen

I have a huge respect for BM as we share a beautiful child. We have always had very open communication and I'm simply wondering if letterbox have told her she isn't allowed to say something. But then, I'm guessing you are someone with your own axe to grind.

What a nasty comment

Of course adoptive parents have a right to ask about siblings for their children. The nasty comment was the implication that somehow we did not have the right to ask that question.

Whether we have a right to know is a different matter but we have to ask because all this information could one day be available to our children and they need to be prepared, not have a bombshell dropped on them at 18!

Arguably our children have a right to know which would require us parents known!

Knowing*

Thank you for the support from other adopters. I'm totally ignoring the ignorant comments. I've decided that nearer to when I send my letter back I will contact letterbox for advice. Ultimately my child deserves to know they have a sibling and something about them, just as I'm sure BM will tell her child about our child. I want to encourage openness in case my daughter wants to know them in years to come.

I agree that your child does deserve to know about their sibling and as a birth parent should I ever have a child (which honestly isn’t going to happen) I would share that child’s first name and the month of their birth, but not full name or date of birth. I also would only share photos that meant that child wasn’t easily identifiable and as they got older they would be able to decide if they wanted to stop as after all they have a right to privacy.

There is thread running elsewhere on MN started by a birth mother complaining about the restrictions she has been given on what she's allowed to write in her letterbox contact with adoptive family. She specifically says she's been told she's not allowed to say anything about the dc she has since had, who have stayed with her in case it confuses the adopted dc.

It will vary case by case.

Thank you @OurChristmasMiracle, I haven't seen you post for ages! Welcome back! Yes I just want my child to have a little bit of info. And also I'm mindful that as they get older they might want to ask questions about their sibling so I would feel better if I knew I could ask.

Yes I've seen the thread running on AIBU and I suspect that is why I've had a couple off comments on this thread. It has drawn attention to the adoption board. It was one of the reasons I wondered if she had been told not to write. I wish social services would just keep us informed about who knows what. I'm not even sure if she knows we know!

@ourchristmasmiracle
I remember alot of your posts, it's nice to see you pop up again. I often wondered about you and @darkriver (don't think she is on here anymore) very nice to have you back!

Hi @OurChristmasMiracle I hope all is well.

Hi all, I am well thank you all for asking. Works been busy and I’ve been blessed to have remained working and healthy throughout this pandemic. Hope all of you and your families are also doing well. I’m sure it’s been challenging for you all though!! Especially if you are home schooling.

@countingthestarswithmini

Do you really Have a right to ask? Maybe she just want a to be private?

It is much better for dc to know this info I think @countingthestarswithmini

OP I was very surprised about the LA stance in the thread in AIBU, but it is possible it was that.