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Experiences of birth family + LO reunion?

4 replies

AncientEmo · 21/02/2021 21:20

Sorry if reunion isn't the right word. I've no experience of this yet as LO isn't even 2! But I'm curious. I've heard of reunions not going well, likewise I've heard adoptees say they feel easy and familiar with birth family from the get go.

As I'm sure a lot of adopters here do, I have a lot of feelings about my son's birth family. We haven't met them yet (his previous SW was rubbish and new one is catching up with everything atm) but from what we know about them, I feel like they were let down by adults around them when they were kids and they have early trauma themselves. I can see a parallel universe where we could even have been friends, and the letterbox we've had from BD was nice.

I obviously want to facilitate a relationship when/if my son is ready but I'm simultaneously a bit anxious about it!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 22/02/2021 13:18

No direct experience but I'm adopted and an adopter, so have a fair bit of second hand experience through aquaintences in adoption (and might as well bump the thread).

We've met birth GM which was hard but very positive. It's likely to be a long time (if ever) before your LO wants any kind of contact but it varies wildly.

I would tend towards being quite cautious. Contact should be with you and should not give away information which would rightfully be your child's choice when older. Hopefully you will have had years of positive contact by then if they do decide they want to.

Keep in mind that BP's may not keep contact up or may contine to have chaotic lives- it may not be as rosie as you hope. I know a number of people where the child has initiated contact in teenage years and it's been very difficult- part of why contact with you now is so useful.

Allington · 22/02/2021 15:11

I would echo the previous poster.

Maybe BPs will be able to get the help they need, will stay in regular contact, and at an appropriate time LO will be able to have a positive relationship with them.

Maybe they will have chaotic and unsafe lives, and will never be able to prioritise LO's needs enough for constructive contact.

Or maybe there will be ups and downs, which can be 'smoothed out' by letterbox to the benefit of LO.

Don't rush your fences! Allow it to develop over time.

My DD's first mother was hugely let down and that was a major factor in her difficulties with parenting. Because we went from long term fostering to adoption we had direct contact, and while it had benefits it was also incredibly chaotic and disruptive. Overall, the great advantage was that she supported their relationship with me and gave them permission to have another mother without feeling disloyal. But there were times it was like living in a soap opera, which was quite damaging for DD1 in particular.

justamummydoingherbest · 24/02/2021 15:24

I hope the poor accused mum doesn't read this and immediately recognise herself and her family.

justamummydoingherbest · 24/02/2021 15:25


I hope the poor accused mum doesn't read this and immediately recognise herself and her family.

Very sorry all. Wrong post
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