Don’t know what to say next

[Rosebud2005]

Yesterday ds 15 and I spent the entire day talking.. and I mean the entire day. I’ve mentioned before his moods have really changed in the last year and he won’t open up, reach out for help with school, talking, anything at all. It began by me talking to him about how men can’t talk about their feelings. I wish he could find it as easy as he did when he was younger when he came to me about anything and everything. So he started talking about school, he’s been struggling with lessons, lockdown, keeping up. Didn’t pass his prelims. Anyway as time went on and he opened up more he came out with how he’s never felt part of the family! He came to is at age 7. He’s always had kept a connection in his mind with his birth mum. He’s never felt he could call us mum and dad. He has never done it. No matter how much we tried to make him feel that’s who we are. He now tells me he’s never felt part of the family. He was passed between fosterers several time’s before coming here. He’s always just felt this was another place he lives in. Why would he now say this? He talked about other feelings and has told me previously about his angry feelings and how people trying to help him gets his back up. He hurts his arms and is now speaking to the school psychologist. I’ve told him I will get him into cahms list or whatever counsellor it takes. No matter the time it takes I will get it done. He now tells me when asked about ‘dark’ thoughts he doesn’t get specific ones but feels he might not be able to go on in a few years.. what do I say to this?

No answers but

My eldest came at 7 and also expressed feelings of 'never fitting in'.

My youngest is 16, y11. Suffering from anxiety and depression. On waiting list for CAMHS. It's exhausting.

Contact GP and also post adoption support. Pay for private counselling if you can afford it. Again if you can afford it be aware CAMHS waiting lists are long, we are seeing a private psychiatrist, but it is ££££.

This is from my perspective, and hope it gives you some comfort.

I was adopted relatively young (18 months), and I have friends who were adopted from babies up to around 8. The vast majority of us went through this stage. I was obsessed with being like my birth family (I knew very little back then), I was angry at my parents and said similar things to your child. Pretty much every adopted person I know has been through this stage as a teen, and the ones that have not struggled a lot more with their identity as an adult (like my sister.)

Pretty much everyone I know who went through this, they are very close to their families and are thriving now. It was just a confusing time, especially with all the hormones and jokes that get said to adopted children.

The thing that got me out of saying these things were: my parents were insanely patient, loving, looking back they kept a good routine with me, and when I was 16/17 I found out some more info from a SW about my birth family. All of this, mixed with just gaining maturity, got me out of this behaviour - and honestly, incredibly thankful for having my (adopted) family.

You got this!

Thank you so much for your perspective. It does seem to be the way as I’m reading more and more ‘cases’ where teens are saying these things. Especially around the 15 mark. I think I’m worried he’s serious about doing something in a few years.. or maybe even sooner? I don’t know. This whole lockdown has just been awful for our whole family this year and him not seeing anyone had been so hard.

My experience is slightly different from that @CLSB - many adoptees withdraw from adoptive families completely after going through this stage. What really makes the difference between those who do and those who do not is in fact the relationship with the adoptive parents, ime, not to do with the birth family or getting over teenage angst.

He sounds very low and that needs to be taken seriously, and most definitely not minimsied as teenage angst or a "phase".

OP I think the advice from me is the same as on the other thread, which is that your ds would benefit from some really good life story work from a really good therapist who is experienced and has expertise with life story work - can you get recommendations from anywhere?

In relation to helping him with MH issues, and to help you both build a relationship, heading towards an adult relationship can you afford to go private? If you can, I would think find a clinical psychogist with suitable experience and expertise and get an assessment and recommendations.

What does he want to do about his studies?

The fact that he has talked to you is really positive. Please do keep taking this seriously and please do not think it is just teenage angst. Write down what he has said, so that you have a note of it.

In relation to him not feeling part of the family, you can turn this around to work towards a really good adult relationship with him, but you do need help to do this. You are doing the right thing getting outside help.

I hope that he gets the help he needs, my heart goes out to him

I definitely don’t think it’s just a case of teenage angst. Just that I’ve seen a lot of the same kind of talk around that age, adopted or otherwise. I have today found a psychologist within the area and he is willing to go along to talk about things. He’s definitely down. He’s said that and any time he’s ever came to be about worries I’ve been right on it and contacting whom ever I need to contact. One teacher contacted him today after my discussion with his supper teacher last week.. who was absolutely no support by the way. It was basically “he needs to be revising, he needs to be working, he needs to be logging on..”I said I’m sorry but you’re not hearing a single word I’ve just said to you. My son is anxious, (“they’re all anxious”), he’s struggling with homeschooling (“they’re all struggling with homeschooling”), I’m going to try and figure out some study support for him (“he doesn’t have any special needs so he won’t get support!”). Uh helloooo.... anxiety? Depression? Oh and one teacher told him he has no personality because he sat and didn’t ask for help.

I would still contact your GP and tell him your son seems depressed to you, he self-harms and has spoken to you about ending his life. Mention everything that has happened and do not minimise anything. Make your GP aware that he is adopted and traumatised and see what they say.

Also contact your LA's post-adoption support team and ask for an assessment. They have a duty to assess (but not to do anything about it). Your son seems in crisis, so hopefully they will help. They have access to more funding right now due to Corona.

Has the school psychologist been trained in trauma and adoption related issues?

His school sounds terrible. Could the school psychologist talk to the teacher? Could you get the virtual school involved? Telling him he has no personality is unacceptable.

I am really sorry and I hope you get help for him.

I’m going to try and figure out some study support for him (“he doesn’t have any special needs so he won’t get support!”).

Am I right in thinking you’re in Scotland? If so your DS automatically falls for additional support by virtue of being care experienced. Basically adopted children are considered to have additional support needs unless they’re specifically assessed not to. I’d remind the school of this and explore the support your son might need.

My daughter’s younger than your son but had similar issues (not feeling like this was her permanent home or that I’d always be her mum, talk of suicide, self harm) and we’ve had really useful and beneficial support through the adoption support fund (ASF). We’ve had dyadic developmental psychotherapy-DDP which we’ve done together with a specialist clinical psychologist. It has made a huge difference. Would thoroughly recommend it. We were able to access it via post adoption social worker (I rang the duty team in tears when we were at total crisis point)

The things I've found really hard are:

• trying to work out what help is needed
• trying to work out how to get help in the middle of a pandemic
• trying to not feel really hopeless that DD has gone from expecting to pass a full set of GCSEs to only being entered for 4 and possibly not even being able to be graded for them
• keeping going myself (a private counsellor for me has helped on this)

So no answers from me but you're not alone.

Sending virtual support. It is a really tough age.

Academics are the lowest priority right now - if they help provide structure and positive identity then encourage him to keep going, but if not then give him permission to let go of that pressure.

At 15 DD1 was pregnant and out of school. She ended up going to university at 20 and is now in her second year of a social work degree. There is plenty of time to go back to study when his mental health is better and he can focus on learning.

Wow Allington that’s amazing. Well done your daughter. My son has also expressed an interest lately in doing social work at some point. Thanks everyone for your recent replies and advise. All very interesting and helpful. It’s given me much to think about. I’ve told him to give himself a break. Don’t be so caught up in why others think or say or even about grades etc. Everything just seems to be getting on top of him. What he has said though is that he doesn’t care about anything or anyone. He doesn’t feel what others feel about family like thinking about eachother, birthdays, gatherings - which he despises because he doesn’t want to be among people. Even family are just people to him. Last night after more lengthy discussions I asked him to write a list of all the positive things in his life including the things he would like to see himself sound. Goals etc. Also the negative things, that he positives definitely out way the negatives however there’s definitely work to be done here. Thank you for the post adoption support advice too. Will definitely check it out. Maybe we could get help to get him the counsellors or any activities that may help keep him active. He just doesn’t want to do anything and it’s become so hard to motivate him.

DD1 said that there were times she felt so overwhelmingly angry that everything went black for hours - not angry about anything in particular, just EVERYTHING.

I would see if you can find a counsellor, but only if they are experienced with adoption dynamics, DD's school counsellor made things worse - DD1 was an expert in manipulating and controlling adults (because that's how she survived in her birth family), especially in finding 'rescuers' and turning me into a 'perpetrator'. The school counsellor fell for it hook, line and sinker...

@Yolande7

I would still contact your GP and tell him your son seems depressed to you, he self-harms and has spoken to you about ending his life. Mention everything that has happened and do not minimise anything. Make your GP aware that he is adopted and traumatised and see what they say.

Also contact your LA's post-adoption support team and ask for an assessment. They have a duty to assess (but not to do anything about it). Your son seems in crisis, so hopefully they will help. They have access to more funding right now due to Corona.

Has the school psychologist been trained in trauma and adoption related issues?

His school sounds terrible. Could the school psychologist talk to the teacher? Could you get the virtual school involved? Telling him he has no personality is unacceptable.

I am really sorry and I hope you get help for him.

Virtual school is a really good idea.

@CLSB what a truly amazing post. [thank you]

" Oh and one teacher told him he has no personality because he sat and didn’t ask for help." Please do complain about this, if you feel able to. If your son is OK for you to do that. That comment is so wrong.

Please take the suicidation seriously. Lock away all medication, keep any dangerous objects away from him. Please take advice on this and ensure he is safe.

I would agree that school cannot be the main priority for a child who is suffering from anxiety and depression. My birth child is suffering from anxiety and depression.

Agree with Yolande7

"I would still contact your GP and tell him your son seems depressed to you, he self-harms and has spoken to you about ending his life. Mention everything that has happened and do not minimise anything. Make your GP aware that he is adopted and traumatised and see what they say.

Also contact your LA's post-adoption support team and ask for an assessment. They have a duty to assess (but not to do anything about it). Your son seems in crisis, so hopefully they will help."

It does indeed sound like a crisis. The mental health issues we have are with our birth child. I do also have a ten year old adopted son who has some issues.

My other big plea is for you to look after yourself because living with a child with mental health issues is very hard and stressful. XXXX

Apply to the LA for access to the adoption support fund, you can use this money to pay for his counselling.

And, if you or your son make an application for data from the adoption files, as long as the adoption s post 2015, the agency have a duty to offer all involved independent counselling.

Get a lawyer if necessary.

Additionally, the family have a legal right to an assessment for post adoption support, which includes counselling. Your child has this entitlement until he is 18, or 21 if he stays in education.