Advice re birth child

[scully29]

I wondered if anyone might have some advice - we have recently got approved to adopt after a really long process and have been busily getting the room ready etc. We have two birth children, 5 and 7 and are approved for 0-3 but not doing foster to adopt. Our eldest hates change so although hes been absolutely fine all the way through assessment and been completely positive about it all has now started being really really against the idea of such a change and saying he does not want to adopt atall, and getting really upset about it. We've done so much prep for them, we've read so much, done all the worksheets etc, but its change he hates and I guess the changes in the house has made him realise the reality of such a big family change. I think hel be fine in time but want to do everything I can to make things ok for him. So I wondered if anyone has advice or had had something similar and it turned out ok?? He loves things like you tube so if anyone knows of any child friendly kids youtube or anything like that on getting a new sibling please do let me know!

Listen to him.
Stop.
He's not ready. He doesn't want this.
He'd be getting an adopted sibling (not a birth sibling) and so he has rightly more of a say.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't want it for reason x or reason y. It's the not wanting it bit you need to respect. You wouldn't badger each other into it.

Sorry that's come across really harsh. My birth son really wanted an adopted sibling. And if I'm truly honest it has led to a serious reduction in his quality of life. I'd genuinely give far more weight to your son's opinion and wishes.

Otoh with birth kids you'll be well down the list as a desirable adopter so unlikely to rush into a match. You could just wait, see and not push anything.

scully29 I won't tell you whether this is the right time to adopt or whether you should make decisions on another child in the family based on what your son thinks.

I will tell you my own experience. My dd was desperate for a sibling and really wanted another girl or a baby. All along we said that the child may be a boy, and may be about three. And when we adopted he was a boy of three (I had read that at the time, 7 years ago, in our area the most commonly adopted 'demographic' was boys aged 3!).

Anyway, from the start my dd found it very difficult being a sibling to her brother. She was very jealous of our time being given to him.

A few years later she was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum and that does explain some of her (rather bad) behaviour.

Our son loved his new sister from the word go but over the last few years her bad behavior and his own bad behavior has made their relationship quite difficult.

I do not regret adopting our son and he is a wonderful boy. We did not want our dd to be an only child and although at this time they do not get on, they do have each other and I hope that one day their relationship will be much better.

My advice to you is to do what is right for you as a family as a whole.

I'd also say that one thing to be very conscious of is not to pass on any items from your two children to your new child unless they expressly wish you to do that. This is very important. In the normal run of family life it is quite common to pass on clothes and toys etc but I do think that this can cause a lot of anger/jealousy. etc.

Either buy your new child new items or even second hand items but do not pass on items like toys or clothes (oven furniture) unless the child is genuinely relinquishing them.

It may help to get to the bottom of why your son is upset, and to reassure him of your love and of his place in the family.

It also may be of use to consider that he may feel his place in the family is and if somehow he feels it is being usurped. Is he the youngest? He will not be the youngest anymore. But then that would be the case if you had another birth child.

Is he the only boy? It is possible you could look for a match with a girl to ensure he stays the only boy or there is not another boy in the family. But then again if you did have another birth child they could be a boy.

Good luck, whatever happens, I hope it all goes well.

PS I do not think having birth children will mean you are way down the list as prospective adopters. We were chosen for our son specifically because we had a birth child.

I’m inclined to say your son doesn’t need any more preparation. You’ve explained what adoption is and what to expect. Until you have a match, I wouldn’t mention it too much. The best way to support your kids is spending time with them and space to talk about their hopes and worries but also about their friends, interests, school etc. I’m sure you are doing that anyway.

Have you decorated your kids rooms? Let them pick new things for their room? It may be jealousy which is normal especially if this imaginary child (your son being so young up to this point, may have struggled with the reality of it all) is getting things he isn’t. There is a beautiful episode of Doc Mcstuffins where Donny runs away as he feels like he is being replaced (there is a mini series about adoption which led to conversations with my then aged 5 birth child. It might be too young for your kids).

Sharing my experience, my birth child was 5 and we started the conversation and adoption first in a very talking about families and how they are all different then over time introducing the word adoption before relating it to our family. It was all through play or sharing of experiences eg your cousins are brothers, I wonder what it’s like to have a brother, why don’t we ask? Do you know your aunt is my sister? When we were younger we used to do x, y, z together? That’s why we both call gran “mum” etc etc. We bought her the doc mcstuffins book (new baby I think) and she took it to school to share.

Once we had been matched, we showed our child the photo of the match and started talking about some things a child of that age may like. She helped pick out some things for the room (and got a few things herself). A week or so before intros we went to build a bear shop and she made 2 bears, one for her and one for him. She made a wish and kissed the heart before putting it in. Then picked an outfit which said “bro” for him and “sis” for her. The focus was about her being a big sister. On first days of introductions, she gave him it.

My children are very close and adore each other. They are closer than most siblings.

We were matched because we had a birth child.

This is very difficult. I suspect it's becoming very real for him. Adoption at the movies gives good reviews for the Doc McStuffins adoption storyline, on Disney. Unfortunately, if he tells SWs he's dead against, then that could put things on hold. I think this is an unfair thing to do to a child, by SWs, as it gives the child control over whether/when they get a sibling, which is unlikely to feel "safe" for them, children do not normally get to control whether they get siblings.

Adoption has had a huge beneficial effect on my BC. I can't say BC would always agree, when chaos reigns, but it has.

Sorry, I didn't see the post above already talking about Doc McStuffins!

Mine are playing together while I drink my coffee and faff on Mumsnet. They have a "normal" sibling relationship of deep love, deep irritation, and it's joyous.

I don’t have personal experience of adopting with birth children but I’d be very surprised if a social worker stopped a placement because a birth child was struggling with the changes involved - we know change is difficult and most would trust you as the child’s parent to help your child through it. To stop would give far too much control to a child who isn’t developmentally in a place to cope with that.

There’s some good advice on here already, I’d also suggest having a look at different theories around loss and change to give you an idea of how your little one might be processing the change - the dual process model by Stroebe and Schutt is a good one because it shows the fear and excitement dichotomy really well. In practical terms it might help to give him (and you) some time off from preparations. By that I mean take a couple of days to spend with your children, not talking about adoption or a new sibling or doing things to get ready, just to spend time doing what they enjoy doing. This period is very intense, and can feel quite pressured - he may be struggling with the changes he already sees and might feel worried about how he’ll cope with even more change.

Have you been matched? If so I think @121Sarah121 has given some lovely advice as to process for introducing your children to their new sibling. If not, I’d really slow things down because it might be a while yet and your child may well struggle to see such concrete changes to the house etc in abstract, because he doesn’t know who will be using the new room etc. Once he has a better idea of whether it’ll be a new brother or sister, their ages etc he might be able to place them better in his mind and might feel more able to help prepare in his own way.

I’d slow down on the busyness, spend lots of non-adoption time, offer lots of reassurance (maybe compare to his existing sibling in a “there’s enough love to go round” kind of way). It’s a huge change for you all, and even good change is normally stressful.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks all so much for your advice. We love docmcsuffins but hadn't seen the one where Donny feels replaced, Il find that thankyou! Its chnage my son hates, he was in hysterical tears over the much needed replacement of our sofa recently and the tears would be the same if I were to get a new car etc, its just change is a lot for him. I remember him before starting school and now he just completely loves his school. So I do think its important he learns to manage change as its a part of life.

We have already been suggested a match but I dont think its the right one for us so I do think we will have a bit of a pause, wait till they are back in school with some more normality and some time between the room change and the change of focus there will be for him in being back at school and a busy life again.

Really appreciate all the advice, its so hard to know so thankyou!

Sarah121 "My children are very close and adore each other. They are closer than most siblings.

We were matched because we had a birth child."

That is so lovely to hear and gives me hope.

Dd was 9 when Ds came. She helped decorate his bedroom and we bought a toy so she gave him a toy when she first met him. She said it was the happiest day if her life! As I said it has not all been plain sailing but we live in hope!!

My dd also made a video/dvd fir ds of local points of interest/things to enjoy "this is my school, this is where you will go' 'this is me on the trampoline'' etc.

'children do not normally get to control whether they get siblings.' completely true.

@scully29 to be honest, if you’ve not been matched I’d absolutely not be talking much about it that much. Give him space and opportunities to talk if he wants through the time you spend with him but if he struggles so much with change, you could be adding to his anxiety because you can’t answer the questions he wants answered (is it a brother or sister? Is is a baby or toddler? When Will the child be here? What do they like to do? Will they play with me? Will I be expected to help? Etc). He knows it will happen and he knows the process so I think you’ve prepared him enough until you have more information.

What’s important at the moment is family time. There is so much going on at the moment with the pandemic I think that should be your focus. Has he had opportunities to see family or friends? He may be missing them and the support from them. He might be missing school and have worries around that too (when is school going back? When can I see grandparents? Will my best friend remember me? Does my teacher think my home learning is good enough? What will school look like? Etc). It’s a lot for a little worrier. That’s why I think the focus needs to be family as it is at the moment and when you have a match, full steam ahead. A few weeks is more than enough time to prepare him. For my son (adopted) his anxiety is so great that we can’t prepare him for things too far in advance but have a weekly time table as that is all he can manage.

Oh and the doc mcstuffins is a mini series of about 6 episodes where they adopt a newborn. It’s the start of series 3 I think. It will be on you tube I would expect.

Thanks all thats really good. I think your right - we rushed as our SW said about this match on the same meeting as our panel so literally on approval, but then wanted to leave it some time before we heard more, so we speedily got everything ready and that involved some big furniture changes at home. Now we think its not the right match I think its definitely best to take a pause and focus on family and homeschool and wait until things are normalised. Its true they have no contact with friends or family right now - we have discovered childcare bubbles now so may parents are coming to take them out this week at least and that will give them some much needed normality!
And thats a great idea about an introduction video for him to do, thats exactly what hed love, Il let him go wild with that, thankyou he will enjoy it. And Il find the doc mcstuffins thankyou!
And yes, its really great to hear the positive stories really helpful!
Thanks v v much :)

Found the donny episode thanks so much! Its series 8! But will wait and pause all sibling chat for now and have a fun half term and come back to it when things are normal! Thanks so much! :)

Oh wow hope all goes ok for you nonameyet that is exciting!

"We’ve told the children the name of the new child and allow them to bring it up."

Huh, that's a really odd turno of phrase. Allow them to bring it up as opposed to, what, punishing them everytime they mention it ? Or tell them they're not supposed to talk about it ?

It's probably not what you meant but definitely sounded odd.. .

@Marty13 I can see how that seems a strange turn of phrase. But what I meant is that I allow them to bring it up opposed to asking them constantly how they are feeling about the child.
The joy of words and how they can be understand or misunderstood. Sorry for the confusion.

I got what you meant Nonname, a child led approach, makes sense and
didnt sound odd to me, and a very good approach we shall try to do :)