Does anyone have any strategies to stop aggressive behaviour?

[poppet31]

Our son is nearly 4 and has been home 18 months. He has always hit us when angry but I (naively) assumed he would grow out of this once he had got past the toddler stage. He hasn't. My husband always said he couldn't deal with a violent child (our son showed no signs of this in foster care) and cannot cope anymore. We need to come up with some strategies to deal with this behaviour quickly. We have been parenting therapeutically since day 1 and using PACE but this is just not working. I've looked in to NVR but I can't see this working for such a young child with limited understanding. I feel at my wits end. We have zero support from social workers and I fear this may breakdown if his hitting doesn't stop. How do we get through to him that hitting is wrong?

once he has started hitting and being violent, its difficult to stop in the moment

The only thing that worked for me when my son was younger was to work on preventing him getting in that state in the first place - which sounds obvious and easy to do, but of course it isnt that simple

Do you know what triggers him?

We also used pace with our two who showed some frustration and often did lash out (kicking, extreme disregulation etc) - but when kids are so disregulated, with our kids we find that Pace doesn't work until the children calm/anger dispates so they can concentrate. We find we need to bridge between disregulation to the use of Pace; which is often holding and help calming ours down (could be hours).

We also seen success with using talking out aloud (talking to an object or a toy, and explaining the natual consequences of actions 'daddy won't be able to take kid to park if you kick his legs') we started showing basic emotions that our three year old understood (upset, sadness) so we help explain the negative effect her actions did in a way a young child could understand without creating toxic shame.

And we also used a theraplay tactic of asking our three year old to wipe our upset eyes then us doing the same to her.

We still encounter disregulation, but the episodes have gone from many hours, up. to a four time daily occurrence to once or twice a week for 20mins. The kids have been with us for under a year.

You're doing a good job, wish you all the best and hope it improves.

You need post adoption support. We had excellent input, with an assessment looking at each stage of arousal, and management techniques etc. I could outline what worked for us, but it's so individual, and you need the support at a personal level. This is really common, and we rarely get any aggression these days (it was getting scary), post adoption support should act quickly to help.

You're not alone! It is solvable.

Thanks everyone. His triggers seem to be getting dressed/undressed and nappy changes (he has some bowel problems so not potty trained yet.) As well as us just not doing what he wants us to do - he is extremely controlling and gets very angry if we don't do exactly what he wants.

If he is regulated then he understands hitting is wrong and we do role play with toys etc, which he responds well to. But in the moment, he forgets at all and appears to have no impulse control. This morning I was trying to get his pyjamas off and he didn't want to get dressed, but we needed to get to nursery, so he hit me. I feel like when he's like this it might just be best for me to leave the room, but I don't to make things worse by him seeing that as a rejection? Holding him makes this 10 times worse. He hates being held or restrained in any way and this just escalates the disregulation further.

I'm going to contact post adoption support today but it's complicated as we adopted him from a LA in England, but we live in Scotland so not entitled to access the adoption support fund.

Our training and support wasn't via ASF, just standard post adoption support. You may need to push, but you really need the support now, early on. Don't let them minimise it. As I say, I think our support was injury saving.

We’re having some aggressive outbursts from our eight year old - interestingly enough they’re linked to toilet problems too as he’s been struggling with incontinence for a while. I joined in a theraplay webinar from Adoption UK that suggested a few things. One that’s worked is getting him to ‘blow us over’ rather than hit. Another, which surprised me as I thought he’d think it too babyish is the ‘beans’ game (google it if you haven’t heard of it)

Both are a distraction technique, the first one to redirect anger the second to reinforce bonding

But in the moment, he forgets at all and appears to have no impulse control.

That sounds like he’s been triggered into fight or flight - which is a trauma response and something in the moment he doesn’t have control over. I agree with @Ted27 in that helping him not get to that point is probably your best move at this point, because he’s acting out of distress rather than temper or bad behaviour.

Lots of traumatised children really struggle with transitions so it makes sense that getting dressed, having his nappy changed would be triggers for him. Can you give him control over getting dressed eg what he wears, how long it takes etc? My two still can really find getting dressed difficult which means I get them up at 7 to leave for school at 8.45, we need the time so they can take as long as they need, if we’re staying around the house they may well stay in pjs all day.

My boy was 4 when placed and wasn’t fully toilet trained, we used pull ups because he could change them himself if he didn’t want my DH and I doing it. Is that an option? If he’s able to understand when he’s calm, explaining and giving him limited choices about what to wear, using a visual timetable so he can see when it’s time in his routine to get dressed, change his nappy etc might help him have a sense of control.

My DD can be very controlling too, depending on what the “not doing what he wants” is, I’d pick my battles. So playing with her, she’s in control, what she eats is within her control (we have a selection of snacks she can choose from, we all decide the weekly food menu together), she decides what she’s wearing on a given day etc. I save the “my way” for things that really need to be my way - and there are surprisingly few when it comes down to it.

The difficulty with a controlling child is that they can trigger the part of you that feels out of control so you end up in a bit of a power struggle, where you end up trying to regain control with a child who can’t tolerate that.

When he’s triggered to the point of violence it’s probably when he needs you most, he can’t regulate himself at that point, so needs you to help him with that. I need to work just now but I’ll pop back later if that’s ok.

I agree with the others that ideally you need to avoid the triggers. Could you step back and write down what’s triggered him and how you could approach it differently next time? Could you start getting dressed earlier? Can he help change his nappy? Does it matter if he’s late for nursery?

I’m the moment he’s lost control. He doesn’t have to skills to self regulate so he needs that explicitly taught to him. If you rise to his levels of fear/frustration/anger etc then it won’t help him. Take a deep breath and keep yourself calm. Can you be there but not try and take control? Keep yourself safe and verbalise what he may be feeling eg I know your really angry about xyz. I sorry I tried to take your trousers off, I’ll let you do it next time.... can you punch this pillow really hard, does that feel better? Etc

Once he’s calmed a bit offer physical comfort if he’ll accept it. This will help teach him self regulation.

I agree with everyone else but want to add that sometimes PACE etc doesn’t work and being firm does. I think that being very firm and having clear boundaries when you reach the point of no return - “I won’t let you hit me, you will get dressed” - can be therapeutic as you’re being in charge (therefore making them feel safe (in theory, obviously!)) and not putting up with it any more. My son (2.5) is very very controlling and like any toddler he can try to lash out at me. I can thankfully diffuse it by giving choices in my boundary and being playful but if he’s full steam ahead in fight mode and goes to hit me I can react emotionally rather than how I want to. Today I told him that if he kicked me in the head I’d kick him back. I obviously wouldn’t but I was tired and fed up (not with him) and snapped. I have a domestic violence background and violence really triggers me. I always said I wouldn’t take a violent child either but his trauma was moving from FC to me and there you go. Anyway, he was so shocked (as was I) and it stopped him in his tracks. I’m not advocating threatening violence but my son is so used to me being all Flop and Bing with him that the surprise element really did stop it. I know the surprise element is meant to be playful and that works too though...!!

I hope you’re okay. If you ever want to DM please feel free. It sounds hard and it is hard. It’s hard because we love them and we can see past their trauma. But sometimes seeing that trauma hurts us as well as them (as well as it physically hurting us!).

I just want to add that I’m obviously ashamed of me reacting like that, and I know it looks terrible. 90% of the time I’m a happy, regulated parent but sometimes I can’t manage it and I think that’s okay - parenting a traumatised child is hard. Doing it in a pandemic is harder, especially when we don’t have access to our support networks. I don’t think there’s any excuse for me talking to my son that way, but I’m human, it happened, I repaired it and I’ll learn from it.

The point I was trying to make is that surprising them can really stop them in their tracks, and being firm can help too - especially in those instances when PACE isn’t cutting it x

I agree with everyone else but want to add that sometimes PACE etc doesn’t work and being firm does.

I agree, sometimes it can give too much room for children, too much control which can be very scary for children who aren’t developmentally equipped to handle it. Clear boundaries are important - there are things I’m very firm about, particularly around safety. If my kids are violent with each other (eg playing a game and one hits the other because they’re losing) there are clear, firm consequences and communication. If they’re clearly dysregulated however I take a different tact because in that moment they don’t have control so disciplining them for that is both unfair and ineffective. You’ll be able to tell in time when something is behavioural or not.

@mahrezzy I think you were very brave to share your experience - it’s a rare parent who hasn’t said something in the heat of the moment that they’ve regretted with a cooler head.

@poppet31 I would go back to sw and explain the continued difficulties and ask for support. In your planning process it should have been agreed which agency would be responsible for post adoption support - it’s usually the placing authority for the first 3 years, but that might be different for cross border placements. In any event your local sw team should either point you in the direction of the placing authority or provide some support locally. I’d be asking for play therapy and a referral to Clin Psych (which will take a long time - we’ve just had an assessment appointment a year after the referral was made to CAMHS).

Lots of great advice. I'd just add a couple of things to consider - getting a sensory assessment done may help you to understand more about what is triggering the dysregulation, and for strategies maybe have a look at the PDA society website - they have some great ideas for ways to decrease demands (or phrase things in a way that doesn't come across as a demand) which may help with getting dressed etc.

The strategies I am aware of which work successfullly, taken from advice from research (though I have paraphrased and may not have done so perfectly) are:

• re connecting empathising with him and trying to understand what the root of the feelings are and upping the TLC and 1:1 generally, increasing the amount of attention you are giving him, increasing the time playing with him, being attentive about him and trying to work out his thoughts and feelings so that you understand him, so that you can work out root cause of the anger and so that he feels generally happier and more content and more connected with you - the feeling connected is important to make him feel safe and will make it easier for him to learn to manage his emotions and learn self control over time (highlighted as you mention this); and

• modelling ie you and your dh managing your emotions in healthy ways: and

• teaching him what is ok by for example consistently taking his hands and saying gently "no, hands are not for hitting" (or words to that effect) each time he hits - there are a lot of books and youtube videos aimed at young children to help with this - this is not shaming in itself (I only say that as I have read comments wondering if it is) and should not be telling him off in a "shaming" way - it needs to be teaching clearly and consistently what is ok behaviour and what isn't ok, in tandem with the connecting and modelling

A caveat is that I remember that you have posted before that you have a diagnosis for attachment problems and developmental trauma for your dc - this diagnosis would have come from a professional with the right expertise such as a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist presumably - if so, were therapeutic recommendations were made? It is foreseeable that there might be problems with hitting if the right interventions didn't happen - is it possible to get back in touch with them?

In relation to "modelling" you have posted about your dh not coping before - not coping on the odd occasion is different from not coping for a period of time, and I am not sure what applies here but a parent not coping a lot of the time will of course be frightening and destabilising for a child, even though that is obviously not intended, and it might "model" that feelings are something which cannot be managed and lead to a child not managing themselves, and this might also be linked to the hitting.

With professional help as PPs have recommended you will be able to get insight into how much the aggression is linked with past trauma, or something that is happening now, and/or benefit from using different parenting strategies with him.

My son responds well to visuals and has really helped with transitions here. Maybe a visual chart/ pictures of clothes and tick them off as you go.

Hi OP, we’re dealing with a very similar situation here with DD and it’s really escalated in this lockdown. She’s actually going back to school straight after half term because being off is so bad for her and I really wish I’d done it before.

Schools have done a session with us on something called Zones of Regulation, which seems pretty promising from the few days experience we’ve had with it (though today was a baaaaaad day and I got properly hurt at bedtime so the jury is still out!).

All the thoughts on this thread are so helpful.

If OP doesn’t mind me asking a related question, how do you find out what is the right support to get for DC behaving like this? Is it sensory, is it trauma etc? And therefore what is the right approach? Is it possible to have some sort of assessment done?

To be honest @Rainallnight, it’s a bit of all of it. Trauma can create sensory issues as the parts of the nervous system that respond to trauma are very activated, and hyper vigilance can make people (including children) see threat where there is none. Fight or flight is a key trauma response. Sensory issues are often also part of conditions such as autism or ADHD, I think FAS also can have a sensory component.

It can also be behavioural, where children effectively have learned to express strong emotion through violence, or emotional where feelings of fear, anxiety or overwhelm spill out into anger. It can also arise from physical pain - my daughter has a very high pain threshold, often the first sign that she’s unwell is that she starts hitting her brother.

It’s very complex and really there should be a good range of professionals involved in assessment eg community paediatrics, CAMHS, Ed Psych, teachers, psychotherapy, social work where appropriate.

Different professionals will have different roles and will be more appropriate at times than others but there’s no one size fits all gold standard. The main thing is that everyone involved in the assessment should have a very solid grounding in trauma informed practice as it relates to their discipline. One of the first questions I ask any professional is to explain to me their understanding of the impact of developmental trauma and disrupted development. If they can’t answer, I’m out of there.

Sorry, I mean disrupted attachment.

rainatnight it can also be children reacting to their current circumstances - so this could be something you haven't ascertained yet, maybe linked to covid, maybe not, maybe a combination of things, as I said in a previous post.

This isn't a solution, but do you incorporate long walks (like, 3 hours or so of on your feet walking) every couple of days into your routine? If not, for a 4 year old, it is definitely worth a try, to see if that helps calm her and also helps her talk about things. Try it and see if it makes a difference, maybe?

I posted on another thread great videos about things like kind hands, hands are not for hitting - which seem to go down well in that age group. I used to make up stories which made my dc laugh about how the world would be if everyone went around hitting every time they got upset (not necessarily right for you, just an example) - because at this age they are wiring up to learn self control and the more understanding of the wider context and practice they get the better I thought.

To answer your question, getting a clinical psychologist involved would help unravel things, as they can talk through what happened when and maybe make links you haven't made.