Stressed about sons exams

[Rosebud2005]

Or would-be exams seeing as they’re all cancelled again. We’re in Scotland. He didn’t do well with the prelims and has completely shunned one of his classes completely which we were unaware of. Got a text to say he hadn’t logged in to the class! He said he’s not doing any of it because he’s giving it up anyway. It’s already February, can he do that? I wouldn’t have thought so. I think he’s not understanding what the questions are asking so I sat and made up some examples for him to try and break down each question. Not interested. He does suffer terrible lack of confidence, and anxiety and he basically just gives up before he’s started because he doesn’t believe in himself. I absolutely so and he’s always has good reports from his teachers. This year is the first real dip he’s taken and I’m kind of lost how to help him. I phoned his support teacher yesterday to get a call back.. still waiting! He speaks to the school counsellor about stuff but doesn’t tell me what. Home schooling is stressing him no end. What can I do to build him up? I really want to support him

No answers, just lots of sympathy.

First and foremost. How important is this subject for his next steps?

How keen is he on his plan for next steps? Would that act as leverage?

My 16yo should have been doing GCSEs. She was struggling a bit before the lockdown and had a complete collapse with anxiety & depression. She has gone from predicted passes in 8 GCSEs to only being entered for 3 or 4, and quite possibly ending up with zero.

It is heartbreaking.

Your DS's mental health is far more important than any exam. Keep that in mind.

Do you have Post Adoption Support in Scotland? We contacted PAS in September when DD was unable to return to school and they have been good in supporting us.

The other thing is, as an adopted child would he meet criteria as 'vulnerable' for going in to school? (Again I don't know what the system is in Scotland for this). Even if it is the same work, he might find that doing it at school with others helps?

Hi I’ve suggested he went back to school since he complained he can’t work here because he’s too easily distracted but he didn’t want to.

He literally thinks none of it matters because he probably won’t be doing them after school anyway. He only got one recognised award, the rest were no award. I know he’s smart because we’ve always seen it so I don’t know where things went wrong. He’s so lacking in confidence too he won’t ask us or teachers for help

It is probably very overwhelming for him. I think it would help to break it down but firstly, what subjects was he originally supposed to be doing, what is he thinking of doing afterwards, what are his interests and, lastly, has he ever shown interest in any "academic" or school subjects such as engineering or science or literature or languages or art or music?

Ironically he currently has expressed an interest in social work. He also wanted to be a biology teacher, always says he loves the subject but he refuses to do anything outside school l. He said he goes to school for seven hours so no way is he starting any more work at night. I said people come home from work. I try and point it out that he needs to get certain marks to get into these type of courses. He doesn’t have any interest of any kind other than computer games and YouTube. I have removed the ipad several times before for other issues. Husband told me not to threaten him with this - which I never have! He thinks we should leave him to it. It’s his life, his grades etc. I don’t. I’m at a loss

This year has been a complete shit storm fit kids especially those in exam years. I’m not surprised he’s just refusing to do the work - it’s very hard when you don’t have the focus that exams give, even though they also create so much pressure for young people.

Are there things he enjoys doing, by which I mean classes he’ll engage with, teachers he likes or has a connection with? Would he do those even if it’s not everything? I’d not focus’s on the thing he’s completely disengaged with, because that’ll create stress across the whole of his schooling. If he knows the pressure is off there would he engage in most of the rest?

I’m somewhere between you and your husband, I’d not leave him to it but I’d pick my battles and try to focus on the things he might engage with if he had some support. I’d also back off homework in favour of him engaging with class work.

What I would also say, for you rather than for him, is that he has time. He can always pick up subjects later on, go to college to complete his exams or do an access course for uni when he’s more able to focus. Social work is one of those careers where late entry with a bit of life experience actually serves you better than the traditional school-uni-career route so if that’s his goal there’s no reason why he can’t do it in his own time. Hard for you as a parent to see him directionless so to speak but this year has taken such a toll, and he’s at a tricky age anyway. I’d be clear that he needs to do some of it, but can choose what that looks like (knowing it limits his choices immediately following school) but try not to make it a battleground either, cos he’ll not learn anyway if he thinks he’s at war.

I’ve been waiting since Monday for his support teacher to call me back so we can work out a support plan for him. Like I say he always says he really enjoys biology but heS just not engaged enough to do it. Teachers have always said he works well, is a very nice boy, and he’ll tell us whenever it comes up to class tests he knows what he’s doing, he doesn’t need to revise etc then he fails the test. If he enjoys it so much I don’t get why he can’t work at it. I’m happy for him to concentrate on the ones he connects more with. I just feel he isn’t any more. He sees a counsellor in school, that’s between them but I have told him over and over that I’m here if he wants to talk to me about absolutely anything. The last thing I want is to stress him any more than he is because I know he already has personal stuff going on he’s trying to come to terms with. The problem is though he really doesn’t have a nice attitude these days. The teens have well and truly settled in! I open his bedroom door and he kicks me out - not in a shouty way, he just does

I will lay off more and try getting him to concentrate on those areas and see how he gets on. School reports don’t reckon he’ll meet sqa requirements anyway now. I’ve also been researching other future steps like the social work path, college courses, apprenticeships etc. Just to see what’s actually available to him

OP did you do well at exams at school, and so can teach him about exam techniques? And did you go into further ed yourself, I assume yes as you want him to do well? Have you given lots of hands-on help with school work in the past, or have you thought about an online tutor who might inspire him?

@Rosebud2005

I was going to suggest that you look into colleges, apprenticeships petc.

School and the overly academic routes just aren’t for some people. I’m also firmly of the belief that you cannot make someone learn if they don’t want to.

My son also refused to do homework for a long time, I tried ‘punishments’ for a while but they don’t work. By the time we got to GCSEs I had got to the point where I left him to it. I made sure he knew that I knew what he should be doing and he knew that teachers would tell me if he got behind. I showed him how to draw up a revision timetable and got him all the right books. I helped if he asked. I got him some private tuition for English which he asked for. I made sure he was well fed and went to bed at a reasonsable time - the rest was up to him.

I think the school system brainwashes parents into thinking that children must do things at a certain time and if they don’t follow certain paths they have failed in some way and are not as good as the kids who go straight to 6th form.

If he has other stuff going on right now, maybe its just not the right time for him. That does not mean to say he will never learn or never get those qualifications. But does it really matter if he does those exams at 16 or 18 or even later?

My son is 16, has a handful of GCSEs, a couple of Btecs and is at college. I’ve always told him that he needs to focus on the next step. So you want to go to college, what do you need to get there, certainly not 10 GCSEs. He got what he needed, in 5 years no one will care about his GCSEs because he will have higher level qualifications.

Just as an aside, lots of people make very good livings out of game design.
Try and think a bit laterally about his future. My son had a typical boy fantasy about being an FI driver. I pointed out that very few people get to be Lewis Hamilton, but look at how many people are working in the pits. Thats a more realistic ambition. He is doing an engineering course

Don’t we all want our children to do their best? That’s all I want for my son. I didn’t do great at school no. I didn’t revise and nobody encouraged me because I have a disability and They thought I had enough to deal with it which frustrated me no end. I always wished somebody somewhere showed me the way which is why it’s more important to me to be there to support my son. I’m not pushy, I’m not telling him he better get revising and get top grades. I’m just making sure my son knows I will always be supporting him with his work and helping with his research etc which I do. They’re his exams though and only he can do them. I’m just there to support him which I do. After school it has taken me many years catching up on my qualifications and nobody would employ me for years because I Didn’t have ‘experience’ finally graduated in my forties, not at uni but college and am employed & also have my own small business. I wanted to have these jobs because it was my choice. My son will follow his own path and I will always be there to support and encourage him. Yes I have looked up tutors too which we are considering but he doesn’t want to.

Absolutely we want the best for our children, I too didn’t follow an academic course in school - we grew up in poverty and I needed to bring in money. I now have two professional qualifications and am educated to Masters level - it’s been very hard, harder than it would have been if I’d just gone straight from school but that wasn’t possible for me.

I totally get you wanting him to do his best, but all things considered this might be his best, just now. I think our exam year kids have been sold a pup here in terms of their qualifications - what would be difficult anyway in terms of study is 100 times harder because of the lack of structure, peer support/pressure which often helps kids engage. You too can only do your best, and it sounds like you are doing your level best to support him. Formal education is a struggle for so many kids, you might find he thrives is a different educational placement - I think there’s a lot of wisdom in thinking “what’s the next step” as @Ted27 suggests.

It’s hard though, hard for you and hard for him.

OP I am with you on this, I don't think you are being pushy at all. You will know better than anyone that yes, you can get qualifications later in life, but it isn't easy.

I think that if you think he is capable of doing well, and it sounds like he is, this should be your focus.

The hard bit is how!

Well we’ve been having another conversation tonight. I called his support teacher three days ago.. still waiting on my call back. However, we’ve been talking tonight and I asked him what subjects are he most comfortable with and those are the ones he should try and concentrate on now. I asked if that would take some of the pressure off, so he agreed this would be a better idea for now. Assuming school go for it of course .. but anyway that’s our own agreement with our son and so we’ll see how things go from here. I got a text last week saying he never logged on to a class. I then discovered he’s decided he’s dropping it anyway. So I’ve told him I’m not going to push him to do it. If it’s not for him it’s his choice

You mention his support teacher... is this a teaching assistant??

In a lot of schools (I believe you’re in Scotland so it may be different) TAs are being treated a little bit like canon fodder and are the ones going in to school. If that’s the case - they simply won’t have the time or energy to call back or support as they will be supporting children in school. I am a teacher and I have to supervise one day a week and on that day, I cannot do anything else. Teaching assistants at my partners school go in every day.

I would suggest as it’s been three days, contacting his head of year to request a phone call or form tutor or even a simple email to a head teacher or deputy head of pastoral care, or any teacher who is working from home. I personally think 3 days is too long in the current climate and your son sounds like he is struggling, is in year 11 and is adopted so really ought to be one of their high priorities. Teachers have a responsibility to safeguard and offer support.

You could potentially do this politely by sending another email but this time ccing in other people, saying something like: “I know you’re all really busy but....”.

I do recognise that 3 days might seem like a short time, but for teachers I would expect them to get back to you given the nature of the problem.

From your latest post it sounds as though he might be overwhelmed, willing but overwhelmed. I think in your shoes I would take a more active role, because of the situation in schools and because your own experiences will mean you could be of immense help to him - to ascertain the syllabuses and to get "pass notes" or the equivalents and to break things down for him for each subject - do piles across a table, one pile for each subject - so that he is clear with what he needs to learn, and also help him with things like trying to get his memory to work for him, aiming for "read it once and remember".

A lot of this is about technique, getting rid of the overwhelm, increasing memory confidence.

I really would encourage him to do all the subjects he is supposed to do but promise him you will help with each one (if you are willing to do this) and promise that the two of you will be able to get through it and it is worth it.

Motivation, determination, managing feelings - all these things are what get children through exams and also which stand them in good stead, throughout their adults lives - so the sooner they learn these skills the better. Hard graft is worth a lot more than innate ability.

I don't see this as pressure or stress (I went through something similar at 16) more letting him know that you have high expectations of him and for him and that you will provide the emotional and other support to help him.

It is also worth spending a day taking him to see various potential future environments - universities vs apprenticeships vs "no qual needed" jobs - so that you both get a clearer idea about what he really wants.

IME the only people who end up getting qualifications later in life are the ones with the motivation and determination and resilience early on, and so helping him with these skills now is only a good thing

No our schools don’t have TA’s any more. They remixed them a few years ago, just as he hit high school in fact. She’s his year support/guidance teacher. The one they go to work any problems.

Sorry - removed.

The trouble is he pushes us away every time we want to help him. He won’t come to us and he won’t come to the teachers. He definitely is overwhelmed which is what I’m trying to find a way through for him. He’s been in all kinds of clubs and activities over the years but gave them all up and says he’s not interested in getting into anything. I have absolutely no idea how do motivate him. If I could figure out how to get back on track with that I feel I could help him engage more. He’s never ever had an issue with school, it’s just getting harder and he somehow can’t keep up. I will be contacting the school again.

From your latest post it sounds like the problems to do with giving up activities and at times not engaging and not accepting help has been going on for a number of years, and it would therefore take a bit of time to unravel it with him. It does sound worrying that it has gone on so long and where it is at now, though obviously it is difficult to tell via this thread alone and you could do with real life input. It strikes me that you and he would benefit from something a bit more than school counselling and something that involves you in the therapeutic work, maybe via post adoption support or via recommendations by a private assessment. At the moment you can't get a professional view from anyone about his mental state, about how much pressure will be positive not negative for him.

However one thing to think about now is that falling behind at class work is not necessarily the same thing as not being able to do the work to enable him to pass exams – depending on how things are set up where you are. So for example, when I was 16 I fell behind with coursework for one reason and another but was able to focus on exam requirements in the end and do pretty well, by looking at it strategically. You might be able to analyse the syllabuses into bitesize chunks which he would be able to learn, so helping him pass the exams and increase his confidence to engage in the classwork more too. If you do a bit of analysis first of the syllabuses and pass notes and how you would approach it to just pass the exams, and then present it to him as a strategic method, the strategic nature of it might also appeal to him and he might trust you to help.

For some day to day increasing of wellbeing, you could strongly encourage something that moves him away from the computer and adds some feel good fitness such as football or running or swimming?