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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adopting a baby - settling experiences

13 replies

JohnPA · 02/02/2021 22:48

Hi. We are second time adopters who are adopting a 9 month baby next month. We adopted out first children when they were 2 and 3 so we don’t really have experience with babies. Have you adopted a baby? Could you tell us how the settling process was for the baby. Was it easy/difficult, quick/long? And any tips would be greatly appreciated. :) thanks

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Fakinit03 · 03/02/2021 08:20

Also interested in this, we are adopting a 13 month old next month! Obviously every baby is different but it would be interesting to hear other experiences

Mumtolittlesausage · 03/02/2021 09:16

It will be completely different for each child. If the baby is quite settled with Foster carers and in a routine try to replicate that routine as much as you can to settle the baby and change things slowly to fit your lifestyle. If baby is not in any routine try start one ASAP as this will help baby with consistency. It depends on babies trauma as well as to how well they settle. Ours was 3 months old, straight from birth parents and with no routine what so ever and apparently a bed time of 11pm. We moved that forward quite quickly as thats way to late and baby settled quickly. Good luck xx

Jannt86 · 03/02/2021 10:55

It really depends. We were lucky. Ours had a wonderful foster family who adored her so whereas the actual separation was heartbreaking we also knew that she'd had what she needed in those first few months if that makes sense. The transition was pretty easy tbh but as I say I owe that to really loving care prior to coming to us. The thing I'd say about adopting a baby is practically it can be a challenge especially if you adopt a slightly older baby. Our's was 9MO and that's a real limbo land as she was almost a toddler with her own routines and ideas and personality but still very much a baby too. It was a challenge because we were still getting to know her and what made her tick but also we hadn't had that time with her as a new born to learn the practical parts if caring for a baby. We had to keep reminding ourselves that although she was nearly a year old we'd only been parents for 5 minutes when it seemed like other parents had their shit together. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it and be kind to yoursef. You are essentially new to this stage of parenting so remember that. Your direct experience though will depend on lots of things... the age of the baby, their personality, their background prior to coming to you. Just remember though that ultimately they need love and security. Oh and if they are in foster care then try and eatablish a good relationship with them and get as much info about their routine etc as it will really help. You'd be amazed at how much even babies understand about this. Eg during our intros we'd finished feeding our's porridge for her breakfast and started to get her out of her highchair and she started shouting at us. The foster mum then said 'oh she's upset because she normally gets fruit after her porridge' Grin Little things like that can really help a baby settle in and it's doubley important as they can't communicate these things for themselves

user1497873278 · 03/02/2021 12:06

Our daughter was 9 months when she came home, I used the same washing powder as her foster career also the same bedding, we kept her bedtime routine exactly the same from day one, same time for tea, bath, relaxing quiet time then bed, we have never changed this and even now at 4 she sleeps all night, the foster career didn’t have a bedtime routine, so I was worried but she seemed to need it, and she slept well from day one. I never lifted her out of the cot if she called out or needed extra comfort I laid her back down and stroked her head. Her foster home was busy so I think the calmness suited her. She has a bunny that came with her, I ordered a spare as even now she is very attached to it. Really wish you an easy transition, LO s are all so different but easy nights are a blessing. I also put her in her cot when she came home for the first visits, just to get her used to her room etc, good luck, brings back such lovely memories

Newpuppymummy · 05/02/2021 21:31

Try to keep the baby in the same routine as the foster carer
Try and do a staggered break from the fc. Once intros are over ask if you could meet up after a few days then a week then another week. It will hugely help your little one as they will learn people who they love don’t just disappear overnight. Obviously this depends on distance.
Think about things like using the same washing powder as the foster carer, setting her cot up in exactly the same way with the same bedding if possible. Keep the same foods for a while even if it’s not what you would usually make.
Good luck with your new baby

dimples76 · 05/02/2021 22:43

Congratulations!

My daughter came to us at 9 months last April. We had v brief introductions as it was near the start of the first lockdown. I was a bit worried it was rather fast for her. She coped with the move v well. I stringently stuck to the foster carers' routines for several months. I was amazed how well she slept (I adopted my son at 18 months and in the early weeks he would wake crying in the night). She wasn't mobile then (she is a bit delayed in her gross motor skills) and I carried her in a sling a lot to keep her close to me and promote our bonding.

HenryHorse1 · 07/02/2021 20:32

Congratulations! My boy came home at 8 months. The transition was good, but I put this down to:

  1. Following the same routine as his amazing foster carers.
  2. During introductions (ours were 10 days), we spent as much time as possible with him (Over and above the plan put into place by SW, obviously this depends on how accommodating FC is - ours was fab). Literally we were there before he woke, spent all day with him doing everything and left after we put him down to bed.
  3. As above, same washpowder, I also sent a blanket which I had slept with to put my smell on it before we met him.
  4. familiar toys, clothes etc for the first few weeks, no newness.

Congratulations - exciting times!

Widgets · 07/02/2021 22:18

we've adopted twice, considering a third time possibly soon!
Our daughter was just 4 months old when she came to us. the intros were 7 / 10 days, we spent lots of time at FC house, changing nappies, bottle feedings and taking her for local walks in her pushchair. We also stayed at nap times so we were the ones who put her down and the first person she saw on waking.
We did a butterfly photo book with voices although she was too young, the FC did show it to her and sent us photos of her looking at which was lovely.
The day we brought her home, was very quick, SW wanted us to collect and go, so that's what we did, the younger they are, the easier settling in has been, in our experience.
Good luck

teekay88 · 09/02/2021 10:56

congratulations on your match, as others have said it varies widely based on all sorts of factors. however, as a heads up, based on my own experience, i'd brace yourself for perhaps a tricky few weeks at first, followed by hopefully a little more calm once youve establisged routines.

my son was 13ms when he came home and i think i underestimated at the time of intros how much work settling him in was going to be as he came across as a very "easy", adaptable baby in intros. of course, knowing what i know now about trauma and grief, I would go in with different expectations despite how they present in intros (its worth rmeembering in many ppls experience the way you experience your child in intros will differ to the reality and very different context of being at home)

Truthfully I think my experience was on the milder end of the scale and ultimately he did settle fairly quickly but i wouild say we had a period of about 3-4 weeks where it was fairly obvious despite his young age that he was greving his FCs. he was very hard to settle at night because he wasnt capable of self soothing (foster carers had done a combo of special blankie, rocking him to sleep in arms, certain TV before bed etc) - we did make changes very gradualy over time but in the intiial instance the focus was really on ensuring that everything he was comfortable with and used to was replicated as much as possible, however inconvenient or tiring for us!

definitely echo comments about photos. keep on with photos of any family including yourselves and lots of reinforcement of who ppl are. definitely agree with keeping everything the same - routines are so important in the initial stages, so however much it may clash with your own views of how youd ideally liek to do things i cant emphasise enough how important it is to keep to the things they know, down to things like clothes they know from foster carers, smellies, blankies, even feeding equipment. lots of holding and eye contact wherever possible. what really helped us was a tip to make sure the buggy is always parent facing so they can get used ot your face and feel reassurance. remember theyre in a new environment so anything you can do to make their new room more like their older one before you make any big changes. youll have read about cocooning i expect, the process of only gradual introductions to family ,and that really helped us, especially making sure you guys are the only ones to do care taking tasks in the early days. finally, on same vein, what really helped altho felt a little un natural at firsr i'll admit, is ensuring that any holding or physical affection comes fro myou (and/or your partner) for the first couple of months or so. so as not to confuse them and to help them build the understanding of you as thier main caregivers. had a few awkward moments where ppl assume the ycould swoop in and hold him but worth those awk moments in the long term i promise. good luck xxx

Star555 · 21/02/2021 04:46

For those of you adopting babies under 1 year old -- is it a closed adoption, where there is absolutely no contact with the birth parents? Also did any of you breastfeed your adopted child?

JohnPA · 23/02/2021 07:50

Thanks for your comments.

@star555 yes, it is a closed adoption with no contact with the birth parents. The baby has been on formula milk since he was born.

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percypetulant · 23/02/2021 07:55

@JohnPA are you not having letterbox? That's unusual? "Closed adoption" would mean you had no idea of the medical story, BP's details, that is also unusual.

JohnPA · 23/02/2021 08:16

Oh sorry, I thought it just meant no direct contact with birth parents. So no, it’s not a closed adoption. We know all the birth parent details, but they don’t know about us. We wrote to them for a while, but never got a response so we stopped letterbox. Thanks

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