Getting really disheartened - End of Stage 2

[ShemShem]

First post so apologies if this isn't formatted correctly!

We have had our PAR all sorted for some time now but still in a state of flux with our SW and the wider team. We did have our panel date set for next week which is now having to be pushed back and we aren't being allowed to book another date.

Our SW recommended us as part of the PAR before Christmas, but now it's continual back and fourth with little information about next steps, first, we were awaiting a decision about whether a second opinion would be needed, 2 weeks later I chased and was then told our SW's supervisor wants to pass our PAR to the adoption team manager before deciding on whether a second opinion is needed, apparently it takes over 4 weeks to read through and we are still none the wiser about when the heck we will be going to panel, whether we need a second opinion or what the next steps will be.

My husband and I are just getting so frustrated and disheartened and wanted to see if this is normal to have to be going through this so close to the end?

At the start of stage 2 our SW said after the PAR was sorted we could go straight to panel, but now it seems unlikely we will be getting to panel until March at the earliest :(

Its so hard when they change things isn't it. What is it particularly that they are concerned about in your PAR that needs to be reviewed, have they told you what the issue is? I appreciate covid has delayed everything but maybe a quick email to your SW asking for an up to date time frame and if you are able to go to panel

@Mumtolittlesausage

Its so hard when they change things isn't it. What is it particularly that they are concerned about in your PAR that needs to be reviewed, have they told you what the issue is? I appreciate covid has delayed everything but maybe a quick email to your SW asking for an up to date time frame and if you are able to go to panel

The only information we have is my husband's childhood is 'confusing' but tbh this is down to how the SW has written the PAR in my opinion.

We are concerned about chasing too much, as throughout the process our SW has commented on me being 'pushy' and in our last meeting she said the reason she questioned me more deeply is they have had adopters become nightmares after approval and placement, emailing all the time etc. which has scared me off emailing too much

Hi Shem Shem the whole process is like this and unfortunately the goal posts do keep moving and you seem to be expected to be ok with it. I swing from thinking keep quite and don’t say anything and then reach my limit and have to write an email. I really feel for you the uncertainty at times is unbearable.

I hate that you get labelled as pushy!!!

I have also been given this label by social workers - it makes me so angry. I’m not impatient or pushy if I send one email every two weeks!!!! I’ve phoned once in 6 months! But apparently I’m pushy!!!

Personally I think it’s just such a poor way of dealing with someone they think “emails too much”. I just think that calling someone pushy is just bad time management.

I don’t think it is difficult to send an email saying: “I’m really sorry but I don’t have any answers for you, I am meeting with x y and z and hope to have an answer soon, please bear with us.” Rather than “please stop emailing me you are being pushy.”.......!!!

Did you challenge the way the PAR was written when you saw it, if you think the confusion is about the way it’s written? What context was the “pushy comment made in and how did she question you so deeply? I find that odd because her job is to question you deeply and usually confusion in the way the PAR is written is sorted out through discussion rather than it being sent to panel still confusing.

My guess is there’s something that panel members have questioned upon reading your PAR and want it resolved before the meeting. As frustrating as it is, it’s much better to have it checked through before panel than to go to panel and not get the decision you hope for.

As a former adoption social worker to now being assessed as a social worker I can totally empathise with how your feeling.

Re: PAR going to her manager. It is the process that the manager QA the report as this is literally the company recommending you as an adoptive parent. If anything goes wrong or comes out later on in the adoption process they get scrutinised for it. But a whole month is a bit much maximum 10 days despite the length.

Regarding the "pushy" comment, literally out of order. If she wrote that in an email I would complain as it's very oppressive to label people especially the negative connotations which come with being known as pushy. My old manager once explained to me the process of becoming a parent biologically is 9 months, the process of adoption in assessment is 6 months with no ultra sounds or kicks or midwife appointments to let them know they are doing a good job and things are processing well. So it's important to let the parents know timescales even send dates and if anything changes let them know at the earliest possible opportunity and be ready to sit with their anxiety.

That being sad being on this side of the assessment, I sent my ROI one week ago and they told me I would be allocated a social worker in a weeks time and in my head I'm sitting here thinking is it 7 working days or?????

Hopefully that helps

the process of adoption in assessment is 6 months with no ultra sounds or kicks or midwife appointments to let them know they are doing a good job and things are processing well

The process of adoption is considerably longer than 6 months, which I think is part of the problem. Folk read that the assessment will take 6 months and from that point everything feels like a delay against that target. It would be much fairer to say that the guidance aims for stage 2 to take around 6 months, but it can be much longer. I think folk wouldn’t then get so anxious as the clock ticks on. It took 3 years for me to get to approval (for very good reasons out of anyone’s control), I don’t know anyone who has gone from initial enquiry to approval in 6 months much less gone to placement in that time.

They may not be able to give a date, because subsequent panels may be full or not have dates in yet. I think being able to sit with the uncertainty and anxiety is important and a decent assessing social worker will help with that, even if that just means listening to how hard it is for you.

I honestly feel it is very concerning to continually hear these sorts of things from adopters. It's like mind games and trying to warn you against acting a certain way by slagging off another adopter. One thing I learnt during the process is that SWs do not like you highlighting poor service or communication at all. They label you pushy or inpatient which panics you as you basically feel your dream of a family is in their hands so you put up with things you normally wouldn't to keep them on side. Then later in the process you are expected to convince SWs that you will champion your child, ensure services are giving your child everything they need etc etc but as soon as you email a few times chasing them up for not meeting a timescale they gave you, your pushy.
Unfortunately I found it best just to nod and be calm at all times as the wait won't be forever ..

I agree you are told 6 months and then feel delayed stage 2 for us was more like 9 months and then their is the wait after for matching so the whole assessment process from enquiring to being matched is often over a year.

@Jellycatspyjamas ideally 6 months. They have to provide OFSTED with reasonable grounds for it to be more.

@BFJAdopter I disagree in part but also agree. Social work is a practice and not perfect. In which a social worker is human and may feel frustrated and offended. However bad practice is bad practice and oppressive practice is bad practice. The thinking behind regionalisation was that it would streamline practice regulation and timings. Unfortunately it is still in its infancy. However I agree with you being on this side of the table I am aware of the power dynamic and this person is holding the decision as to if I become a parent in their hand and that makes it hard to address some things

@Jellycatspyjamas

Did you challenge the way the PAR was written when you saw it, if you think the confusion is about the way it’s written? What context was the “pushy comment made in and how did she question you so deeply? I find that odd because her job is to question you deeply and usually confusion in the way the PAR is written is sorted out through discussion rather than it being sent to panel still confusing.

My guess is there’s something that panel members have questioned upon reading your PAR and want it resolved before the meeting. As frustrating as it is, it’s much better to have it checked through before panel than to go to panel and not get the decision you hope for.

Yes I did question how it was written but the SW said that's how she felt was best to display all the information as there is a lot there.

Since it's her writing it I didn't feel it was appropriate to push more as I have never written a PAR and she has done many so thought it was unreasonable

@sabzino

As a former adoption social worker to now being assessed as a social worker I can totally empathise with how your feeling.

Re: PAR going to her manager. It is the process that the manager QA the report as this is literally the company recommending you as an adoptive parent. If anything goes wrong or comes out later on in the adoption process they get scrutinised for it. But a whole month is a bit much maximum 10 days despite the length.

Regarding the "pushy" comment, literally out of order. If she wrote that in an email I would complain as it's very oppressive to label people especially the negative connotations which come with being known as pushy. My old manager once explained to me the process of becoming a parent biologically is 9 months, the process of adoption in assessment is 6 months with no ultra sounds or kicks or midwife appointments to let them know they are doing a good job and things are processing well. So it's important to let the parents know timescales even send dates and if anything changes let them know at the earliest possible opportunity and be ready to sit with their anxiety.

That being sad being on this side of the assessment, I sent my ROI one week ago and they told me I would be allocated a social worker in a weeks time and in my head I'm sitting here thinking is it 7 working days or?????

Hopefully that helps

I'd give my left arm for it to have been 6 months. We sent our ROI over a year ago and now no sight of a panel date

@Jellycatspyjamas ideally 6 months. They have to provide OFSTED with reasonable grounds for it to be more.

For stage 2, as I understand it and “reasonable grounds” are pretty easy to find in a busy social work team. Throw in family finding etc and it’s much much longer. If professionals were more open about realistic timescales (ie more likely to be a year or more to placement) folk would be less anxious that something was wrong with every inevitable delay.

@sabzino I can understand your reluctance, hopefully the team leader will look at it and be able to resolve any issues. I know where I am panel dates are a bit up in the air just now so she may have no idea when there’s a space at panel - or be waiting to see if a space becomes available.

@BFJAdopter

I honestly feel it is very concerning to continually hear these sorts of things from adopters. It's like mind games and trying to warn you against acting a certain way by slagging off another adopter. One thing I learnt during the process is that SWs do not like you highlighting poor service or communication at all. They label you pushy or inpatient which panics you as you basically feel your dream of a family is in their hands so you put up with things you normally wouldn't to keep them on side. Then later in the process you are expected to convince SWs that you will champion your child, ensure services are giving your child everything they need etc etc but as soon as you email a few times chasing them up for not meeting a timescale they gave you, your pushy. Unfortunately I found it best just to nod and be calm at all times as the wait won't be forever ..

We have had our fair share of mine games throughout the process, my family and friends have also been put through them (so much so we are certain we will never do this again)

It's just so odd, so many local authorities actively recruit adopters so they must need them, yet treat people like pawns in a game of chess throughout the entire process

@sabzino yes I see your point, it's just the lack of transparency that causes most of this I think. I often felt when I went through the process that they would be better to 'under promise and over deliver' to avoid frustrations. I also think that the rollercoaster does test you and make sure you're ready for adoption, so there's that.

@ShemShem it will all be worth it when you have your lo but yes many people we met at stage 1 training just couldn't handle the assessment process and decided to stop.

[quote BFJAdopter]@sabzino yes I see your point, it's just the lack of transparency that causes most of this I think. I often felt when I went through the process that they would be better to 'under promise and over deliver' to avoid frustrations. I also think that the rollercoaster does test you and make sure you're ready for adoption, so there's that.

@ShemShem it will all be worth it when you have your lo but yes many people we met at stage 1 training just couldn't handle the assessment process and decided to stop.[/quote]
That's what I'm telling myself at the moment 'it will be worth it in the end'

Issue is our SW set us up on Linkmaker in early December so we have seen so many profiles which we would love to move on but just haven't been able to without knowing when we will be approved. So frustrating