Letterbox contact advice

[Kmav72]

Letterbox contact with birth sibling.

I’m a birth mother to a little boy, my son has a sibling who has been adopted (common parent dad) the child that’s been adopted isn’t my child, just to clear up confusion.

We have recently been accepted for letterbox and struggling where to start and what to include. What do adopters want to know about birth family? Is letterbox just about how the adopted child is, or about birth family health/development too? I don’t want to not include anything which could be helpful, but I’m unsure what adopters would like to know.
Birth dad has a genetic condition, I’m unsure if adopters are aware of this, I would like to mention this just incase as some health problems related to the condition are quite serious, such as heart problems, is this something I should bring up as I’m unsure if they have been informed already. I don’t think they have as I believe a child with many potential problems would be seen as hard to place?
Do I explain reasoning behind why my son doesn’t have contact with his birth dad to help the adopters understand the situation? (This is mainly by choice on dads behalf).
Do I mention I have other children?
Do I address birth dad as his name or birth dad, if I was to address the genetic condition?
How do you start and end letters? Hello (name) or Dear/to A’s mum/dad/adopted parents, do I end with my name or from B’s mum?
Are photos/drawings from children usually allowed to be included? I would like to send photos of my child as a baby and yearly up until his age now, maybe there’s similarities, is this something adopters would be ok with if photos are accepted in your agreement?
I would also like to thank the family for agreeing to contact as this sibling is the only chance my son has to know any of his dads family. Also who usually writes first as I would prefer the family to write first incase they have questions they wish to have answered, which I’m sure they do considering the adoption was over a year ago and only now contact through letterbox has been looked into. (I’ve not long ago found out the child was adopted).

Also, how do adopters explain the situation to their children? Brothers/sisters, birth siblings, cousins? I would assume the truth, but I would like to be on the same sort of wave length with my child to limit confusion. But age appropriately.
How likely/unlikely are adopters to mention contact with us to birth parents in their letters, birth parents finding out was my main concern in this. I have many reasons behind how I feel about this.
At the moment we’re still waiting on a plan as to how regular, what’s allowed, whether this is just letters, or if photos/drawings, birthday cards are allowed. (So maybe this can’t be answered). Would be nice to hear how sibling contact works for others and what you’d find helpful/appropriate as adopters.

I’d keep first contact very light, fairly short and nothing controversial in there. You don’t know these people and they don’t know you - I’d keep it about the sibling, what they enjoy doing, a snap shot of who they are. The contact is for the benefit of their child, to give them a sense of connectedness, and may not be shared with their child for some time to come so keep it simple.

In terms of the medical condition, I’d get birth dad to discuss that with social work who can pass it on to the family as appropriate. Apart from anything else this is his medical information, he has a right to confidentiality and you have no right to share it without his consent. If he’s chosen not to share that information with social work, it’s not yours to share.

Similarly I’d keep private information about your relationship or otherwise with birth dad, they don’t need to know whether you have contact with him or why not. I’d refer to birth dad by name (eg John rather than “dad”). If there are things you think the adopters need to know, pass it through social work who can share the information or not as appropriate - you don’t know the families circumstances, what challenges they might be dealing with and how they might be coping, or how your information might be received however good your intentions might be in sharing it.

In terms of how they might talk to their child about adoption, it’s wholly their business, and you need to make your decision for your child. Keep in mind the purpose of contact is to keep lines of communication open between siblings, not to build a bond with his parent.

I think it might be helpful to have a good discussion with social work about what you hope for from letterbox, I have a feeling you might be disappointed - it’s usually limited to one or two letters a year, not a continuous or ongoing correspondence.

For us, letterbox contact with siblings is very different from letterbox contact with other birth family members. It’s very light and virtually no information is shared either way as I think all of us adults involved would feel uncomfortable with that. Ours consists very much of a small gift and card on birthdays and at Christmas, perhaps with a drawing included on occasion.

Thank you for your replies.
I know as much of letterbox being 1-2 letters a year. I just feel very strong about this condition that the family must know, because potentially if this does effect their child then it’s best picked up early.
I’ve never done this before so I’m very unsure what information that adopters would like, or find useful

It’s not your information to share. No matter how strongly you feel about it, it’s not your information to share.

Put it this way, I’d like to know if one of my children had potentially inherited a health condition but I would want that information to come through social work, or the child’s paediatrician. They will have been able to verify it and give me some idea of what that means for my child and will be able to help me make sense of it. If you feel strongly that it needs to be passed on, talk to social work who will be able to speak to birth dad and check it out.

Paediatrician wouldn’t be aware unless the child was tested, unless parents requested this at birth there would be no way of knowing unless the information was passed on to social workers when the child was removed.

We had a lot of medical information about our children pre-placement - social workers do try to get this where they can. In any event it’s not your place to share this directly with the family, have a chat to social work.

Thank you, I will inform the adoption worker about this.

We know birth parents medical issues etc from the paediatrician and SWs. It's great you've got letterbox sorted.

Your role is to create a link between the siblings. Keep it light, and chatty. And take a step back.

Our adoption agency sends out guidance to everyone involved and asks the adoptive parents to send their letter first so that members of the birth family have something to work with. It would be worth contacting the adoption worker to see if this is the case for you. If it is the case then you can follow the template they set out by responding with whether your child likes the same activities, food, TV, etc.

In terms of medical information, indeed any information that you include at all, you need to consider how your child might feel about what you have written as an adult and whether you have breached his right to privacy.

Thank you both.
Adopters sending their letter first would be a lot easier to work off so hopefully that’s the case.
Medical information would be just clarifying that dad has a genetic condition, not into depth of others. Just so their aware of possibilities. However I believe from previous posters informing the adoption worker would be the best way.
Being kind of clueless to how this all works, it’s just understanding what is allowed to be said, and what isn’t, what the ‘norm’ is, I suppose it’s a lot to grasp