Please share your joys in adoptive parenting

[prospectivemum]

NCed as would be outing if using regular name.

I'm in the early stages of my adoption journey - still the research stage - after realising my body cannot medically handle the stress of pregnancy - I could try it, but doctors have informed me of many risks to my health. I already have a chronic condition, and as such don't want my health to be worse. I manage this condition with medication and can function on a much better, if slightly below average level. So if my health proves good in the next few months, I will consider formally pursuing adoption.

I have read a lot, both positive and negative, including a great deal about trauma, attachment disorders, FASD, behavioural problems, etc. This is quite daunting, but I'm prepared to investigate further. I have a few acquaintances and friends who have become adoptive parents in recent years, and what has struck me most (with these friends) is the stress and lack of joy in the experience. Please note 'lack of joy' is a phrase one of my friends has used when speaking about her experience.

She mentioned the very different feeling of becoming an adoptive mother, different than she would imagine being a birth parent. She adopted a young baby, but told me she never felt excitement about the child arriving home, only anxiety. She always imagined decorating a nursery and the baby cooing under a mobile in the cot. Without going into too much detail, this was never really the case. She also said she imagined a lovely Xmas with a young child, but instead it was a nightmare due to meltdowns.

Obviously this can be the case with bio children as well.

But another friend who has two adopted children is not able to post pics on social media, even on on private settings... I wouldn't post many of my own children regardless, but it seemed sad they can't post one. That you can't share your child at all.

This post is getting negative, which wasn't really my intent. I wanted to counteract this by asking about joys you have had as an adoptive parent. Big or small. In imagining my bio child, I always wondered about them taking after me with my interests or aptitudes - I suppose I worry an adopted child wouldn't be like me, or we wouldn't understand each other enough. I'm so confused at the moment with reading about the worst side of things. And I worry about trying too hard to 'shape' a child that has had a life before me. What if I try and influence them too much but they just hate me?

I would love to hear stories of 'normal' parenting with adopted babies. Feeding, playing, learning, cuddling. I apologize if any part of my post was insensitive, a couple of my relatives have had newborns recently and I'm upset that I may never feel the same 'magic' as they are feeling.

Thank you.

I’m a single adopter with a 16 year old. At Easter we will have been a family for 9 years, so my experience is with an older child.

Today I can’t say I am ‘feeling the joy’. The truth is that being a parent is hard, whether you have birth or adopted children. looking after children can be a slog, boring and tedious. Teenagers can be infuriating and annoying. Today has been one of those days, and there have been many of them over the last 9 years.
We have had some very challenging times, been through painful and exhausting therapy. Its been hard work.

But yes there have also been many fantastic times. Seeing my boy grow into a young man has been amazing and a privilege. Together we have built a life as a family. We have had great holidays in the UK and abroad, we share a love of cinema, theatre and music, he has some interests I don’t share, I have some he doesn’t share. We can talk about anything and everything and have a laugh together. He has done well at school and is now at college, he has good friends and two weekend jobs. He has a very special relationship with nanny and grandad who think he is the bees knees. We have lovely Christmases with our own traditions.

Personally I don’t like using the word normal, all families are different, who can say what is ‘normal’. You create your own normal.

So I would say life is now is actually fairly ordinary - which is how it should be, just getting on with life. We bicker, we argue, we have good times like last Sunday when we got bacon bagels and hot chocolates from the cafe and took them to our allotment. We sat on the bench, had breakfast and gossiped. After breakfast we worked hard together on a building project and then we had cake. The sun was shining, lockdown felt a long way away and we enjoyed spending time together.

Its absoltely fine to have worries about adopting, its a huge thing to do and is not without risk.
My own view is that its not for me to ‘shape’ my child. My job is to provide and care for him, give him opportunities and help him make the most of those he chooses to take. I hope he will share my values and grow into an adult with a moral framework. He is well on the way but ultimately he is his own person and he will be what he will be.

I just got woken up with a picture of a flower "just for you mummy!"

I have children by birth and adoption, they're both challenging (moody teens) and joyous, in different ways, at different stages. I read a lot of daily mail style horror stories, but our life is nothing like that. It's normal family life. I have the best children.

Memories of joy from our first 8 years

• walking DDs to school
• swinging DD2 as she walked between us
• watching DD1 doing a reading at school carol service
• watching DDs in various plays / shows
• feeling immensely proud & happy on DD1's GCSE results day
• cuddles & hugs
• going to the zoo
• going on safari
• going on holidays
• Christmas as a family and with my DPs
• playing board games
• giggles
• watching them grow and develop

We are 13 years in, the last 5 have been a challenge with DD1, and the last year DD2's MH has collapsed. I'm living in hope though that this will be a 'blip' and in 5 years it will be a distant memory.

I have birth children and a long term foster child and one adopted son.
Our adopted one has complex needs and comes with many challenges and some truly terrifying issues that can be life threatening. So it is not a bed of roses.
BUT he brings us more joy than I can tell you. He lights up our world and amazes us with his resilience and sweet nature.
I can honestly say I love all of them the same. The love and bond with our adoptive son is no different to our birth children. Probably my most joyful memory of him was wheeling him along the street the day after out adoption order was granted ! I felt ridiculously proud and like the luckiest person in the world.
As Ted says parenting is hard and can be stressful and unrewarding in its unrelenting grind but it is worth all that to be mum to these amazing children and young people who make up our family . It is good to go into it with your eyes open but don't let the negative stuff be all you see .

There is no child in the world who is more loved than mine! I adore them and adoption is the best thing I have ever done. The first few weeks were stressful but apart from that, we are like any other family. We are fortunate in that we don’t have any of the issues that a lot of people on this forum have experienced, though we know this may change. DC arrived at 8 months, is now 4 and is a bright, happy, healthy, loving child. I count my blessings every day.

There have been many, many moments of joy over the past 11 years. Some fairly grim moments as well - but biological parents get those as well.

DD1 was horrendous as a teenager, but now is 21 and the lovely person has re-emerged from the hormone soup.

DD2 does have some SEN but now is well supported by her school so having a minimal impact on home life. She's funny, affectionate and great company, along with a fairly normal dose of 13 year old attitude.

Both 'take after me' in some respects - we have a similar sense of humour for example - but not in others, such as dancing ability

The Selwyn report may be good reading for you, OP if you’ve not read it.

I’m in the very early stages of being a family with my son (single adopter, 9ish months of placement, he’s 2.5) and the first six months or so we’re horrific. My son was very traumatised, I was traumatised, I couldn’t help him to regulate as he wouldn’t let me, we were in the middle of the first lockdown and my support network either disappeared or were patronising AF (“all children have tantrums” when my son was grieving his FC, for example).

This morning my son woke me up with a kiss and said “it’s morning time mummy, I love you” and he meant it. Our relationship is solid and while there are still moments that are difficult to handle (he has attachment & trauma related behaviours) he is joy. He just is. He’s so bright and funny and engaging and beautiful and lovely. Everyone who meets him is lit up by him. He shines. And he’s also just a normal kid who loves Paw Patrol and wishes he could eat ice cream every day. He is so much more than his trauma and our life together is so much more than his trauma (or mine, for that matter). We’re still figuring each other out and I’m learning how to parent him the best I can. It’s not easy but being a parent isn’t easy.

Parenthood is not what I imagined! Every morning (especially with lockdown) I say to my husband ‘back on the hamster wheel again’. But that isn’t anything to do with adoption. My two have been home for 2.5 years. Already, I’ve seen them grow, gain confidence, learn to read, make friends and just develop their lovely personalities - they both have a wicked sense of humour. They do take after us already...they have similar facial expressions, they repeat the sayings we use, they model their behaviour on ours. The magic moments grab you by surprise...like watching my son dance at his first school disco and pick and pay for sweets by himself from the tuck shop - he’d never even been to a birthday party - so it was something wonderful to him. I stood at the side trying to hold back the tears.

The first time I caught my son reading in his bedroom on his own blew me away until the next morning I found him reading to his sister in bed.

I cried in front of my daughter last week (we’d just lost a cat), she went to the bathroom and came back with some tissues and dabbed my face. She loves cuddles - so we are never short of them. A few weeks ago, she made a bed on the floor with a blanket and cushions - I climbed in with her and she just thought that was the best thing ever. She got a leading role in the nativity at Christmas - she was so fit to burst, she couldn’t get the words out to tell me.

Knowing what these kids have been through and the future challenges they may face, makes all of the achievements and little moments very, very special.

Another thing I’m very proud of is that the eldest used to be terribly anxious in the car, very repetitive, shouting, spitting, hitting. He was just so scared. At 60 mph on a dual carriageway - it’s stressful and unsafe. We both learnt some techniques and now car journeys are fun...we put planet rock on the radio and they will both sing ‘Highway to Hell’ at the top of their voices!

My children are young teens and were placed aged 5 and 6, so not exactly what you are looking for. However, they very much take after me - much more so than I take after my (biological) mother. So I would not worry too much about that. It might happen, it might not, irrespective of DNA. You will definitely be similar in some ways - we all are. :-)

My children are my joy. Not every minute of every day, but they are. They are kind, loving, funny, hard working, athletic, curious, adventurous, warm, deep thinking, sociable, beautiful, optimistic, determined, glass always almost full kind of people - they are my dream come true! Like @Stinkyjellycat I feel that adoption is the best thing I have ever done!

Obviously I don't know your friend's story, but if she felt so anxious even before her baby was home, then there is something not quite right. We went on our first 6 week parenting course before the placement of our children. That is something I would recommend. We both had childcare experience, but the course equipped us with some very helpful techniques.

We have 3 homegrown DC's and have adopted 8. Sadly 4 have died, however we were aware they all had short life expectancy due to complex health needs. We firmly believe all children deserve a forever family.
The four remaining DC's 3 have Down Syndrome and the youngest has a rare genetic disorder. To answer your question yes it has been hard but this is totally outweighed by the joy and laughter they have brought to our lives. They are lovely caring people. I do wonder due to their learning disabilities do they cope with trauma differently? E decided she would like to find her parents....they were not interested, she shrugged and said "they can bugger off then" we are not a swearing family 😜 .

Our little one arrived with us 4 years ago at 3 months old. We had a sudden panic of oh my god what are we doing once the SW left but i wouldn't have it any other way. He met all mile stones, eating, walking, toilet training and is the most loving and caring little boy you could meet. He has speech delay but understands everything and has no issues making it clear what he wants if he can't say it. Adoption, especially with a baby, is a lot of unknowns but at the end of the day birth children can still have unknowns. I love my boy and can't wait to start the process again in a few months for a 2nd child.

She always imagined decorating a nursery and the baby cooing under a mobile in the cot.

In fairness, I know many birth parents who would say this is an unrealistic expectation for newborns.

My two are 8 and 8, and we’re 3.5 years, there are constant moments of joy. My son cuddling in beside me in bed telling me he just wants to be with me, my daughter cartwheeling across the garden, or being so proud of her work at school, the care and love they have for each other, crying with laughter playing board games, my boy telling me I can make that yummy dinner again. Every day moments but so very precious.

There are challenges of course, birthdays have been tricky at times and Christmas was very difficult for a couple of years. They need support with learning and their emotional regulation can be sketchy to say the least. But they brighten my day every single day, they have some of my mannerisms and some of their dads, they have their own interests and talents, and it’s so great to see them grow and develop.

Adoption brings its challenges, learn about trauma, don’t think that removing a child from an adverse situation removes their experience of trauma, understand the need to be very flexible in your parenting, avoid having very fixed ideas about who they will be. And expect the early days to be tough - and by that I mean the first year, you may find you settle in to parenthood well abd that any children settle in quickly, but plan for things to be up in the air for a good year, if you don’t need it that’s great.

And most of all remember that adoption is looking for the right parents for the right child, not looking for a child for parents.

Sorry they’re 8 and 9.

We are 10 months in so still early days really but I'd like to join in!

Yes there are hard days but that's normal. There are also brilliant and joyful days. I am generally an anxious person so I didn't enjoy preparing the room etc but I'm sure that would have been the same with a birth child. I have friends with birth children who said the same thing; they stressed constantly about what could go wrong during pregnancy and didn't enjoy it. The culture shock of becoming a parent is the same no matter how you get there.

I struggled with the time it took to bond and feel like I loved him. But when it happened, it was amazing. I remember watching him at a baby group when he was playing with bubbles and feeling this massive burst of love and protection, honestly it was how I had always imagined feeling after giving birth it was so intense... Just 3 months later!

Yes it's often boring and frustrating and I'm often tired but it's "normal" parenthood for the most part. He's such a brilliant, resilient, inquisitive, gentle person and I can't wait to see who he grows into.

I'd also add that some challenges aren't unique to adopted children! I'm not adopted and I was a nightmare.

Our LO was placed today and I cannot begin to tell you the joy I am feeling right now! It's been one schlep of a journey to get here but when the foster carer and social worker left this morning and it was just us it was utterly magical!

Many congratulations @estornudar, what lovely news.

I’m not an adopter, but would point out that your friend is only imagining birth parenthood, and her imaginings are very rose-tinted. When I brought home my birth son, it was the start of a frankly nightmarish few months of bf not working despite all efforts to increase supply, sleeplessness, infected CS scar, and PND. DS is now a fabulous eight year old, but I can honestly say there was no ‘magic’ for months, and the person I bonded with at a baby group in early days was an adoptive parent who had just brought home her 13 month old and was finding it tough. And I don’t put photos of him on social media at all.

I want to add about taking after me too: he's already copying facial expressions, words and phrases. He says "oopsie" like I do and for a while he was making this weird grimace/worried face that we were confused about... Until we realised he was copying me!! He loves the same music that we do (we like a lot of rock/metal so we'd always fantasised about going to festivals and gigs as a family, obviously he's too young atm but he asks for certain music and runs around the coffee table doing "circle pit") he has unfortunately also copied my dancing!! He also looks very similar to is, several people have said that if we could have had a biological child it would look just like our son does now. And in baby photos he looks just like his uncle. The physical resemblance was considered at linking because it's so close, so they do consider that kind of thing.

But also, we're learning from him too. I'm learning to be more relaxed and have fun, how to get though annoying/boring things by making it a game. His strength amazes me.

Right now he's getting loads more words in his repertoire, he copies everything and it's exciting to see him learn. He's just figuring out jigsaw puzzles and shape sorters and sort of counting. I love trying new games and activities with him ) today the kitchen floor was covered in flour for several hours!).

There were times in early placement I thought I'd never bond or love him like the mummy he deserves. Now I can say hand on heart I'd both die for him and kill for him.

But another friend who has two adopted children is not able to post pics on social media, even on on private settings... I wouldn't post many of my own children regardless, but it seemed sad they can't post one. That you can't share your child at all.
There’s no rule that says you can’t post photos on social media, that’s a decision the parent makes for themselves. In my case there’s no risk to my children from their birth family and my social media is pretty locked down so I do post occasional photos, and talk about things we’ve done or funny things they’ve said. I don’t let them appear on school or club social media but again that’s a very personal choice.

There’s no blanket rule for how adoptive parents choose to parent. You make choices for your family in the best interests of the child. In exactly the same way any parent would.

I'm 3 years in with my 4yo. He is funny, intelligent, caring and affectionate. He tells me every day that I'm his best friend, that we are a team, that he loves me. He is confident and independent, he runs into pre-school every morning as happy as anything.

He has his moments - he will throw a tantrum, he likes to control situations, he has a speech disorder that frustrates him.

But he brings an unbelievable amount of joy to every single day. Being his mummy is honestly my calling!

So many joys!
My daughter has this way of making all the challenges go away when she sits on my knee for a snuggly cuddle.
After years, I still feel so lucky every time she introduces me to people as her mum or when younger children call me 'Weekend's Mum'. Her mannerisms make me chuckle so much and her games make me laugh every day. She is my absolute pride and joy, no question of that. Even on the most challenging of days there is ALWAYS a magical moment at some point.
At the moment she's into giving me new hairstyles - lovely!

I'm not even 3 weeks in and although difficult at times for various reasons our 7yr old LO has made us smile every day and we've all howled with laughter. His out of control belly laughs warm my heart just thinking about them.

And I loved decorating his room! It put some of the fun into the adoption process and made it all feel real when at times it could seem like an impossible dream.

@estornudar congratulations! I loved that magical feeling. Even though it was mixed in with 'holy ' as well, I love watching my husband and our son play and laugh together.

I've gotten halfway through typing 2 epic length posts trying to basically say that imo it will help immensely if you can identify any idealised expectations/hopes/fantasies you have about being a parent. It's easy to almost forget that the baby you're dreaming of is their own developing person, right up till the reality hits! It's absolutely normal to have idealistic dreams & picture perfect moments, but if you can identify yours & try to loosen your hold on them in advance, you won't be tripped up by disappointment if it doesn't all go how you'd hoped.

As a personal example, I've always been a firm believer in the fundamental rightness of bedtime stories, but my kid gets so into stories that it's a disaster at bedtime. I'm still a little sad that we don't get to do that (though maybe it'll work in a few years) but I'm able to find so much joy in sharing stories during the day, because I stepped back from that soft focus, rose tinted ideal that could've turned into a disappointment. Does that make any sense?! It's not that these hopes aren't natural or valid, just that they aren't necessarily helpful - if you're too focussed on looking for the joy in very specific scenarios, you can miss it scattered all around ☺

This post still looks epically long but it's waaaay more concise than my other attempts! Also adding that this isn't any based on any specific research I've read, so completely just my opinion & may be a horrible idea for others! We're only 2 years in but so far the few days with no joy have been entirely down to my hormones 😂