Adopting with BPD??

[EdenM]

Me and DH are pretty certain that we would like to adopt in the future (when our children are a little older) as DH himself was adopted. But wondered if we would run into any major troubles with agencies as he has a BPD diagnosis (borderline personality disorder). Was wondering if anybody on here had any info or personal experience??

BPD is hugely stigmatised, and the only experience SWs will likely have with it is in birth families unable to parent their children.

Adopted children can be challenging, and provoking, and triggering to the most emotionally resilient parent. I can't imagine the people I know with BPD getting to the emotional strength and control needed to do this. Just in the same way that someone with asthma can't become an astronaut. But I haven't met your DH. What do his mental health team say about your plans?

@percypetulant

BPD is hugely stigmatised, and the only experience SWs will likely have with it is in birth families unable to parent their children.

Adopted children can be challenging, and provoking, and triggering to the most emotionally resilient parent. I can't imagine the people I know with BPD getting to the emotional strength and control needed to do this. Just in the same way that someone with asthma can't become an astronaut. But I haven't met your DH. What do his mental health team say about your plans?

He's very determined to adopt and he has been warned to be cautious. We've been told that as long as he has no criminal record and/or abusive tendencies (which he doesn't) then it could be a possibility, however as you say it's the emotional stress that could be triggering for him. We are aware though that it will be more difficult especially with private agencies, however as he has a stable job, relationship, etc for the past 10 years and no hospitalisations since being a teen, we are in a position that it is a possibility for acceptance. It's just that i would worry about how it would affect him rather than just than his capability to be a good father.

I think that you also need to think about how it is to be a child whose parent has BPD. And how much harder it would be, to be an adopted child whose new parent has BPD.

How does he cope under stress? How does he cope with little sleep? How does his BPD tend to present?

You are someone who lives with someone with BPD- you know the difficulties well.

Adoptive parenting is very very different to parenting a birth child, even if that child has special needs etc. I think there's lots of overlap between BPD and attachment disorder, what's your DH's attachment style? I would imagine it would be very difficult for most parents with BPD to adopt, even if they are "good enough" birth parents, because adoption comes with challenges.

How is he, how well controlled is his mental health and how is it controlled - has he had/having therapy, does he recognise when he’s been triggered and how does he deal with it? BPD is one of those things which often mellows over time - recent research shows that by mid-thirties there’s often a decrease in symptomology.

A lot depends on how he responds to treatment, how stable he is under pressure and how able he is to recognise when he’s struggling and to seek appropriate support. In your shoes I’d have a consultation with a Clinical Psychologist with a specialism in personality disorders, they’d be well placed to understand where he might find particular challenges. Given he was adopted, I’d also explore with a professional any early trauma - there’s a significant overlap between childhood trauma and BDP, with considerable mis-diagnosis particularly in folk who have experienced complex trauma. Until relatively recently complex PTSD was unknown and highly contested but the symptomology overlaps particularly in terms of lack of emotional regulation.

It’s not impossible to adopt, but I’d be laying the groundwork now because it will make the assessment process easier if you already have fully explored BPD/complex trauma.

Picking up on what the pp has said about BPD and trauma overlap, a few years ago I was doing some personal research to find out more about the affects of long term serious illness on children and came upon the lecture I have linked below - it is a leading psychiatrist van der Kolk speaking - I watched it a while ago but from memory he said that he had been one of the researchers who had established BPD back in the '70s but based on more recent research on trauma in fact many of the people diagnosed with BPD he now believes to have been suffering from trauma. The reason why this is interesting and important is because the therapeutic work for trauma is different, and people can recover. It might be that if your dh were assessed now by a psychiatrist or clinical psych with expertise in trauma (as well as BPD?), different and more effective help might be available.

Looking into this in depth would also benefit you and your ac if you went ahead with adoption, as many adoptees will need help to recover from developmental trauma to a greater or lesser extent

I also link a video about an adult who was helped to move on from (intergenerational) trauma - the details will be different but again it might be helpful to see what is available for adults so I attach it just in case

(this is the lecture - you may need headphones as he mumbles! - it is long but worth watching in full to the end, if you are interested, as he talks more about therapies during questions)