I was clear from the outset that I would be looking for a school age child. I wasn’t that fussed about doing the baby thing, my friends were all way past the baby stage so an older child woulf fit in more. But mostly because I’m a single adopter and financially childcare costs can be crippling but also I didnt want to go through everything just to put a child in a nursery all day.
In the end he was just shy of 8, which was a little older than envisaged but has the perfect match for me so it didnt matter.
A lot of prospective adopters are wary of older children, but in my experience its no harder than a baby, its just different. The advantage is that I knew a lot about him. Many adopters say they don’t want to consider x, y, z, adopt a very young child and end up with x, y, z, and possibly a, b, c as well.
I knew my son had ASD, a learning difficulty, anxiety, he had a statement (old EHC plan) in place and was already in receipt of DLA. I was able to talk to teachers and understsnd how he functioned in schools. He had already developed interests, and although he has developed common interests with me, we were a good fit.
Knowing he had ASD hasn’t made it easier to deal with, but it didnt come as a surprise and I knew exactly what I was getting.
@Somuddled thats a very methodical way of going about it. A few observations, children over 9 are very rarely adopted, certainly 11 and 12 year olds highly exceptional. At 8 my son was in the last chance saloon.
Toddlers need high physical care - yes, but so do many older children. I didnt have to change nappies but it was several years before I wentbout without a pack of wetwipes and a spare pair of underpants. He still can’t tie a shoelace, cut up some food, his personal hygiene leaved a lot to be desired..
My son went very happily to school, but when he got home he was like a limpet, followed me everywhere, very much wanted to be babied. He was desparate for me to carry him but he was just too big, didnt stop him climbing all over me to try and force. He had a lot of very toddlerish behaviours which were exhausting for me. Bed time was a nighmare for months. Even when he settled down, bedtime would take hours because this was the time of day he felt calmest and able to talk. We would literally talk for hours, I’d fall asleep on his bed, end up with no evening. Even now at 16, he still comes for a chat before he goes to bed, sometimes its 5 minutes, other times its much longer. I think your thoughts around when a child might understand adoption may be a little optimistic. And even if they do understand, its no less traumatic.
My own view is to keep an open mind. If you are set on a certain age range, you may miss the right child. I’m not suggesting if you want a baby, look at 8 year olds. But if you are thinking 2 to 3, don’t rule out 4 to 5. That 3 year old may well have a birthday between the time you first see them and getting them home.
I now know that in the information I saw, my son was 6. He was three monthd shy of 8 when he came home.