Sleep training - Advice or tips, or even your own stories appreciated, Please!!!

[Blondie1980s]

SO my question is, how do you find sleep training your little ones?
Currently our Little man is coming up to 17months old and he isnt sleeping through the night. He likes to be rocked to sleep and he doenst like being left on his own if he is awake.

The background on us we had our son placed with at 11 months old, previously he was with long term foster care from birth, where he was sleeping in a bedside cot each night so was never left alone. He was also rocked to sleep in her arms every night.
When he came to live with us, we of course wanted to give him consistency so we rocked him to sleep as she did, and he slept for the first month or two in a cot in our room. (we were still fostering the attachments and wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for him)

Since then we have managed to put him to sleep in his room, and also taken away the dummy (a huge bain for waking i the night when he lost it)
My sleep training so far consists of me rocking him in his chair with his bottle until he has 1/4 left then placing him in the cot. I started by sitting next to his cot and soothing him till he fell asleep and working my way out the room. (now im near the door about to take the step through the threshold.. I plan then building the time i go check on him slowly up too . I kind of like the hug and bottle time before i put him in his cot as extra bonding time and reassurance im going to be there)

I've tried asking advice from others but most people I know have natural born children so when they say things like , "oh he should be sleeping through by now, or just put him down and let him cry it out he will soon get used to it" drives me crazy. I try to explain that his needs are different due to him being moved and that our attachments take longer then a birth childs since we didnt get him till he was nearly a year old.
I feel like im doing it wrong , am I just being crazy?
How did you cope or how are you coping with the sleep issues?

Hi. I'm an adoptive mum to a 7 year old (who arrived aged 2 and had to sleep next to me holding my hand) and we also have a 12 month old foster baby with us. Baby arrived about 6 weeks ago from a difficult background and also required rocking to sleep, woke every few hours etc. With all my adoptive training we duly did this and at first, saw it as our duty. But life became no fun, we were just permanently exhausted and little one was as well. After about a month of no sleep, we went for tough love, abused background or not! We got a timer and a dummy strap so he could find it at night. When he awoke, we agreed to leave him to cry and if it went on for longer than 5 minutes, go in. Interestingly, he never did go on longer than 5 minutes. Within days we went from him waking every hour to now putting him down at 7, doing a dream feed and nappy change at 11 and him sleeping thorough to 7am.

I could have written this 6 months ago.
Firstly, you are not doing anything wrong. Your post reads as someone who is gently transitioning a very little person towards managing independent sleep with love and nurture and there can't be anything wrong with that.
I'm not sure if this is helpful at all but I thought I would share what worked for us at 18 months old incase any of it would suit your LO. First I moved LOs dinner time to slightly later and had a really tight routine after dinner - straight into story book time and then bath for a good play and lots of silliness to get LO giggling (which I read was a great stress reliever and we were clutching at straws and willing to try anything).
Straight from bath we go into our room (not theirs so no cot stress) We make sure our room was almost dark and we only whispered. LO helped put "sleepy cream" (moisturiser) on all over which he loves and then he gets jammies on and has dummy/blanky/teddy on our bed waiting. We have a really long cuddle on our bed (but no rocking) We whisper him through the day and then we list all his "friends" in the cot waiting for him to give them cuddles. Then we carry him to his room and he normally gets a bit worried and says "cuddle" so we sit in his room and have a second cuddle but the whole time we are whispering about who is waiting for cuddles from him in his cot. At first when we put him in his cot he got upset. Sitting beside the cot just wasn't working for us because he just asked to be picked up so we ended up putting him in the cot where he would stand up and cry a little and we would wait by the door for ten seconds and then go back to him and just whisper "I love you I'm here," every time and lay him back down. I think the first night I did it eight times and I felt terrible and full of self doubt. It took maybe three nights of laying him back down gently maybe 3 - 6 times untill he stayed laying down. He did whimper a bit which again was really hard but Ikept tellig myself I was teaching him to sleep in tge gentlest way I knew how. I did the same when he woke in the night (once I knew he didn't need changed etc) There is absolutely no way I could have let him "cry it out" as many people suggested I did but this way I was never leaving him but I was still showing him that it was sleeping time. Has your LO replaced dummy with something special like a blanky or a soft toy that smells like you. We did this with a bunny and he holds it at night though he does have a dummy too for sleep time.
I am definately no expert and perhaps all or none of these things are what worked for our LO but I just wanted to reply because the sleep thing is hard and it sounds like you are handling it with great sensitivity and love

Sorry I have just read the above post from another mum and wanted to add that when I say "cry it out" I mean just leaving them to cry themselves to sleep without checking. Setting a time limit of when you go back in to what suits you and your LO as suggested by the poster above seems a gentler strategy.

It's so hard when your tired but please be assured lots of kids don't sleep through the night til much later and it's not a straight graph line they have ups and downs. My 4yr old birth son still wakes 374 times a night on some nights other nights he sleeps all the way through.
I have never tried sleep training because as hard as it is I honestly believe they have to get there in their own time. If they need extra reassurance and night then that's what they need. I meet his every need during the day so why would night be any different?
Many adults complain they can't sleep without their spouse or without the window open etc and yet we expect kids to go in their own room and stay there all night and sleep no matter what. It seems unfair.
I don't meant to sound like I'm having a go or criticising I know how difficult a lack of sleep is, but instead of trying to train your child maybe try a different approach of changing your expectations? Eventually they will sleep that's what I keep telling myself but at the moment some nights he still needs me. Our adopted child is not with us yet but will be in March and I expect to be the same with her even more so, she will go through a huge trauma leaving her Foster carer, who am I to say how long that trauma should affect her for?
There are numerous research papers that show the affects of sleep training on the brain and that it only tends to work because the child internalise the stress and stops crying because they know no one is coming. Even with the gentler approach of timed crying imagine doing that to an adult in distress? Imagine what you would feel if you were upset/scared/lonely and someone deemed it necessary for you to wait a prescribed length of time before comforting you?

Dont worry, its completely normal they dont sleep by then, birth children or adopted. When people helpfully ask how they are sleeping you can just say 'they are sleeping like a baby!' - its normal. I think the real help is changing your expectations and not putting pressure on yourself or worrying about it, and also to co sleep. When mine would wake in the night at first waking I would then sleep in with them. That way you get the evening to relax etc and then go in with them which is far easier all round, gives you maximum sleep and gives such good cuddles all night. So much better for attachment and shows them you are totally always there for them. Mine did this for years but because I wasnt worrying about it (as I did when my first was very little) it just wasnt a problem and completely fine. They now sleep fine on their own and it was a completely gentle way of doing things. Ive never needed to leave them to cry. Co sleeping is a very normal thing to do so do give it some thought, it is a game changer on sleep for you and little one.

Co sleeping is a life saver this is what I did from birth to about 2.5, it was the best way to get sleep!

Thanks for all the replies I'm glad I'm not all alone on this.

Just to add in we have a set night routine , last meal is between 5.30 and 6 depending on how tired little man is. Usually more to 5.30 end.
Bath time after dinner with daddy with lots of silliness and splashing he is a water baby for sure.

Then we take it in turns to get him dressed for bed in his room. ( he actually doesn't get stressed in his room as we have some morning play time in there and he comes in to put clothes away etc as we have always tried to make it a place he will happily go in and out of with us. )
Then we come downstairs where his blankie is is waiting , he has had since birth and we have no intention of getting rid of thst habit ( birth mum bought it for him )
By about 7pm 7.15 little one is telling me he wants to go to bed.

We say goodnight to everyone in the house take his blanket and bottle and go to his room which is dark except for a star projector /night light that's very subtle since he doesn't like total darkness.

We sit in his chair I give him a bottle with a lullaby in the back and I tell him a story in a soft voice. I've started telling him his story when I give him his blankie now. He might not understand that yet but I think it's a good way to intro birth mum.

Once he has had enough of the bottle I place him in the cott lay him back and place his blankie over him ( he holds it in his hand or next to his face )
I tell him "ni ni, sleep time "

Id stick with your routine, it sounds lovely -maybe one change might be not coming down after bath time but staying upstairs - but really they just dont sleep no matter what you do and its so much easier all round to be there with him for sleep. I would lie down with him until he falls asleep certainly, be there until hes asleep and then on first waking expect that to be your time to sleep in with him and dont find it annoying but a delight. They are only little for such a short time, wont be long before he no longer wants you so Id embrace it. No question made my life so much easier. Id also keep the dummy as youd be there to find it (use a glow in the dark one). Most important is to not stress about it.

Sounds like you're doing great, if he likes the comfort of you touching him when he's in the cot try one of those heat packs in the shape of an animal you microwave. As he's nodding off replace your hand with the heat pack. The warmth and pressure will feel like its still you and you can slowly leave the room