Finding birth mother - any recommendations

[KnowlWay]

I was adopted in the 70s and as time is moving on I would like to know if my birth mother is alive. She was irish but moved to London with her boyfriend and became pregnant but never told him. I’ve looked on Ancestry and can see a possible birth match but no other details. Social Services wouldn’t let me see the file but said it had no contact information in it.

Does anyone know about these ‘Lost Lost Family’ services? Any recommendations please?

Do you have your original birth certificate with her full name on it?

I searched and found my birth mother in 2005 (given up for adoption in 1981) and used a sadly now defunct charitable register that birth mothers could put their names on in the hope that their relinquished children might get in touch. There may be something similar around nowadays.

Good luck. PM me if you need to chat.

Get this moved to the Adoption forum, OP. Lots of well-informed adopters and adoptees there to advise on your best approach.

We used Finder Monkeys after watching LLF. They were good and v professional but quite expensive. Sadly we didn’t get our happy ending as BMIL didn’t want to have contact but they guided us through that, and we’re (kinda😢) ok with it.
Hope you get the outcome you want, and good luck

Did you make a formal subject access request to social services under data protection/ GDPR legislation. If not it might be worth looking up more about the prices on ico.org.uk.

Adoptionmatters.org and pac-U.K.org are websites for 2 other organisations I've often seen recommended to adopted adults too so they might also be able to help.

Really nice of you all to comment, thanks so much.
I was adopted pretty much at birth so only have the short and long birth certs with my adoptive parents’ names.
Definitely wasn’t a formal request - was an email in 2005/6 and a horrible meeting where the SW told me she’d made a mistake and all the letters on my file were ‘return to sender’ ones rather than any additional information.
Would you know how to do a formal request?
I do have her full name and age she was when I was born as I have a letter from Social Services that my parents passed on to me. They were sent it after everything was legalised.
How much ish were Finder Monkeys - thousands or hundreds? I’m not convinced I want to meet her but am very interested about if she’s alive.

I found my birth father over Ancestry - what kind of matches do you have?

If you are on FB, I'd try DNA Detectives for advice first. It transpires that my BF was also adopted and I managed to figure out who his parents were through their help. It was free! There are enough family historians around to help you search through the records. If you have decent DNA matches, I'd say you're in with a good chance getting it figured out this way.

The benefit of Finder Monkeys (I don't know it but based on what the others have said) is that it can be a very good idea to have access to counseling around the process. Years before I did Ancestry I tried to contact my birth mother through the adoption agency. I got nowhere. I have decided for various reasons not to contact her but I was surprised at the fact they didn't even mention counseling. I am originally from the US and I think the entire set up is more thoughtful over here.

I decided not to maintain contact with my birth father for various reasons. It's not been easy. I don't regret doing it but you have no idea what you'll find and also your own reaction can be unexpected, hence the benefit of counseling. It might be interesting to see what sort of service they offer.

Hello, I work in this field.
I would be cautious with findamonkey, and if you do go with them, ensure you ask for the qualifications and experience of the intermediary. This is the person who will make contact on your behalf.

If you contact the General Register office, they hold a list of Adoption Support Agencies who can undertake search and intermediary services. Then I would ring around, and see who you think you could work with.
Good luck!

My long-former gf had given up a daughter to adoption and was trying to make contact again. She worked with a charity based in Oxford that used to help with matching, but as someone else said, it's long-defunct.

I think that all you can do with SS is ask them to leave a message on your/DM's file saying that you are looking for her and want to make contact. So if she does come looking, SS should advise her of that. Make sure to keep address, email, phone numbers up to date.

It's a long shot, but you could do a DNA test on Ancestry, because even if your DM doesn't, she may have had other children who also do DNA tests (as may your birth father). And even if you don't find any results immediately, the information is constantly updated and compared with every new test they add to the database.

Did you/can you seek any info from your adoptive parents? I think that many adoptive parents understand that sooner or later you are likely to want to know about your birth parents and there is often information/documents salted away somewhere.

If you feel that you are getting close to being able to make contact, tread very carefully and consider using an intermediary to make contact. Your DM gave you up (or had to give you up) and has moved on in her life, it can be a big shock.

Don't have expectations of a quick result, sometime it can take years. And sometimes the other side just doesn't want to know.

Wise words, thank you very much.
As it’s an Irish birth I thought Ancestry couldn’t be much help. It shows up one possible match but no links to marriage or death.
I don’t think I want contact really but would be interested in the facts of his her life worked out. I’ve got all the paperwork my parents were given and they told me the truth - as set out in the letter from Social Services.
The DNA route sounds interesting, I’d not realised how popular it was.
Thanks for sharing experiences and expertise.

@KnowlWay When it says it shows up one possible match, what cms are you talking about? Does it say 'mother'?

Sorry to not be clearer, I’ve not done a DNA test and was referring to a search on Ancestry.

My birth father found my birth mum through the Salvation Army. Was incredibly quick he said. Also irish family, living in England

Good luck btw

Also I should add, I found my father through 192 (the electoral roll database). Luckily he was registered as living with a woman at the time, I looked her up on fb and saw an image of a child that was my twin which turned out to be one of my younger sisters

This might seem a little obvious and you've probably already done it, but if you have her name and age have you tried the initial route of Google and Facebook etc? My DS found his birth mum on Facebook and said that he knew he'd found the right person when he saw a photo of her little boy who is the image of DS at the same age. (I was very worried as DS is only 16 and I only found out by accident that he had been in touch with her, but it seems to have been a very low drama contact fortunately and his birth Mum is in a good place after a bad time during which he was removed, which was nice for him to know.)

@KnowlWay attached are my Ancestry DNA reports, suitably censored. Two main elements, your ethnicity (regional origins of your DNA) and DNA matches to other people.

The Ethnicity estimates change over time as more and more people contribute to the database generally.

The matches change if someone with similar DNA suddenly decides to do a DNA test - which may be next week, month, year etc. The closeness of the relationship is measured in cM, higher is closer. So I don't have anyone closer than 2nd-3rd cousin - but you can see in the first one that both he and I have put our family tree on Ancestry and we both list one ancestor with the same name.

Once you have this list of matches, you can either look at their family tree on Ancestry to see if you can identify the relationship, or you can just message them within Ancestry. I actually found a distant cousin in the USA through messaging.

But I believe that some people find parents, siblings etc. through here. Remember that you may not find your DM directly, but if she had more children or grandchildren, the likelihood that one day one of them does a DNA test is much higher.

Ancestry also has a huge database of scanned and computerised official records, and these do include records from Ireland. But also don't discount the possibility that she may have emigrated too.

Good luck.

You should be able to get a copy of your adoption file through Social Services or the agency the adoption was through if this still exists though I am not sure of current rules but PAC-UK could tell you.
I would recommend counselling as searching can throw up all sorts of emotions.
Good luck.

Really grateful for the insights and advice. Some great tips. Complicated isn’t it! Thanks very much.

I found mine with just the name alone. Took a year and in the end left a message on the Website for people who had grown up in a certain town and a friend of hers saw it.

This was 20 years ago.

Today I would do a 23&me and Ancestry dna test. By doing both you spread the net wider.
I actually got confirmation that my bf is who my bm said as I matched with his first cousin who knew about me on 23&me.

Think DNA is a good starting point and if may help you locate the area of Ireland she was from as 23&me shows you where you have your strongest genetic link geographically.

I Have only done 23&me. You opt into seeing your relatives and can opt out again. So you could take a peek to see if you have matches and then hide your profile if you prefer until you are ready to check again.