Whether to consider a sibling group

[Falcon223]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.

My husband and I are in our early 30s and looking to start our adoption journey soon - we’re in research mode at the moment. I’m intrigued by the idea of adopting siblings, but don’t know if it’s for us. It seems a huge leap to go from having no children to 2 children of different ages, but surely people do it or they would always be in care!

I’d be interested to hear from anyone who has done this and how you found it, and how old the children were if you don’t mind. Also keen to hear anyone else’s thoughts who are going through the process and have chosen to consider this or avoid it for any specific reasons.

If we register as considering sibling groups would that be us pretty much confined to sibling groups only, and wouldn’t be considered for a single child, since they’re apparently easier to place and I imagine would go to the people who have said they only want 1 child?

Thanks

About 18 months ago I posted on here a question which spoke about how my husband and I were hoping to adopt sibling boys and I got some fairly negative responses. People talked about trauma bonds, negative life experiences that would be holding both boys back and how difficult it would be. To be honest, I didn't believe them. We're pretty knowledgeable and experienced about managing children who have experienced trauma so we thought we would be fine. While we were going through the adoption process we fostered 2 sibling boys and it was hell. The boys had such a traumatic past their life was bound by competion for attention, trauma and stress. They needed to be and ultimately were seperated. We couldn't cope with them and they couldn't cope together. We were continually managing our time with both of them so that they both got our attention and care. They completley broke us to the point we almost pulled out of the adoption.
Coincidentally our prospective adoption sibling boys were seperated by social work (nothing to do with us). We were gutted but having seen the benefit of seperating some siblings we accepted it.
Our newly placed son is sleeping down the hall while his older brother sleeps in another home. The boys relationship now has a chance of being healthy because they no longer compete and can heal as best they can in a home filled with love. They love and look forward to seeing each other.
Adopting siblings is complex and hard. Some siblings should stay together and need to be together. Others can't
As a couple it was bloody hard with two and it's bloody hard with one. But with just one he gets more of what he needs from us. We laugh a lot with him and I get to take deep breaths and enjoy moments of quiet when he's playing with his dad.
I've probably not been much help but be open to a sibling group but also consider what life would be like with just one.

Hi! I must say that my experience is very different to the above. We adopted two brothers 2 years ago, aged 1 and a half and 3 and a half at the time. Our experience so far has been very positive. They are friendly, positive and affectionate children who have really benefitted from the loving and structured environment we have in our home. We didn’t experience any major issues as part of the adoption with them, just the expected tantrums of our youngest between 2 and 3 years old (which nearly all parents go through). Having two children is obviously more work than just having one, however it is double the fun as well. I wouldn’t have it any other way. One of the key advantages of having two is that, at least ours, play and get along with each other so nowadays we do get some breaks while they play with together. There is a lot of bickering as well, but we are teaching them how important it is to get along, share what they have with one another, say sorry when they do a mistake, etc. I think the fact that they were adopted together helped a lot with the settling process as they knew each other, and even though they started to live in a new home with a new family, they had each other. Because it has been so positive so far, we are actually in the process of adopting a third child - their baby brother. Anyway, good luck with your decision! And remember that many of the experiences you read online are negative because people need support. Adopters with positive experiences don’t share their experiences very often online.

We adopted 2 boys under 3 together. It's been bloody hard work, going from none to 2! They bicker and annoy each other, blame each other for everything. School has been a problem as they seem to manage to hold everything in and then when they see each other have a fight. Almost like their safe person who they can release their emotions on. They now have to always be kept separate at school.
That said, love them to bits and wouldn't have changed a thing about 2 at once. We always wanted more than 1 and their shared life story makes it a whole lot easier.
Happy to answer any questions

I adopted 2 siblings nearly 4 years ago, they were 4 and 6 at the time. We knew we wanted 2 and it’s been absolutely the right decision for us. They’re both fantastic kids, full of life and have a close bond.

It’s not without it’s challenges, they have very different needs and different trauma experiences to deal with. My older child has a lot of memories from her birth family which her brother doesn’t have, and she had an awful time in foster care, she’s developmentally delayed and functions at an age similar to her younger brother - it’s like having twins in many ways.

You need to be very resilient, and have a good support network emotionally and practically. The adjustment in going to two is very demanding and you’re supporting them through that too and in all honesty nothing can prepare you for it. It’s totally worth it, if I had my time I’d do it again - they’re fantastic fun and good company for each other.

Oh and they do love each other really and when they cuddle up together it's the best thing ever!

Two here too. 3 and a half, 1 and a half at the time.

When they get along it’s great, but their competitiveness/attention seeking etc goes way beyond normal sibling rivalry - it takes a lot of managing, even now, many years in.

Would also agree, they’re more like twins, neither are particularly in keeping with their peers, both are very immature.

(But mostly happy and very loved and I wouldn’t change them etc...)

I just want to add that you're not locked in to your choices throughout the adoption process. We initially said we'd be interested in sibling groups and individual children, but when we saw our first profile of a sibling group we realised that actually we couldn't do it and said we'd only want to be considered for individual children. This was for practical reasons at the time although having had our son and experienced the culture shock of parenting, I'm glad we ended up with just one of him!! There's nothing wrong with changing your perimeters because the match needs to be right. Our social worker was understanding.

Hard work. We were open to siblings, or single children, saying you would consider siblings doesn't mean you get 'ruled out' for singletons, it's about the right match.

Please may sure there has been a siblings assessment, properly looking at trauma/trauma bonds, and whether staying together is the best plan- often it is, sometimes children need to grow up apart from siblings, and if the placement is made without proper consideration, and just 'oh, it's best for them to be together', it can be a disaster. We had adopters from our prep group who disrupted due to this reason- SWs just didn't consider that maybe the children shouldn't live together.

Sorry, hard work, but worth it, if it's right for the children.

I do sometimes think that what's often best for adopted children is having a parent/parents just for them, though, rather than sharing. These small people have been let down by multiple adults usually, and maybe as part of healing, having one or two adults just concentrating on them, is what they need. But then there's research stating siblings should be kept together, so it's difficult.

We adopted a sibling group of 3 boys, aged 5, 6 & 7.5. Best thing we ever did. They are now all young adults and close to each other, all still live at home. I'm short of time to say more at the moment but I'll try to come back tomorrow...

We adopted 2 girls then aged 2.5 and nearly-8.
Youngest is now in GCSE year.

The first 3 months was really tough because of the shock of going from 0 to 2, and also the differing ages. The elder was fully aware and I felt a need to 'prove' I could look after her and her baby sister properly.

Then we settled into a routine and life was good for 8 years. They got on really well.

Since the eldest turned 16 it has been tough, a lot of it stemming from eldest's background / attachment issues I think, but not helped by a lot of other things either. To be honest right now I don't know whether I was/am really the right Mum for her. I'm hoping we can sort things out at some point.

This has been an interesting read thank you, we are at the start of the process and have said we are interested in a sibling pair

I have two sets of sibling pairs. The older two came to me aged 3 and 5 and have a really nice sibling relationship. Eldest holds many memories of life at home with birth family and did hold the role of care giver to the younger one so there is a lot of kindness there and fortunately no competing.
Our younger two were placed at 18mths and 2.5yrs. We have had to put a lot of work in to help support their relationship and continue to do so. They have some lovely moments of showing care/affection to each other but even now almost 2 years on I can not leave them together without me in the same room for much longer than 5 minutes. The eldest can be really vicious and it goes well beyond the realms of normal sibling rivalry. Separately they are both adorable.

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment, you have all given us some great food for thought

We adopted a sibling pair age 3 & 4, 13 yrs ago. While it was easy to find family activities to suit both of them when they were little and close in age, there the simplicity ended! They have a complex relationship with a definite trauma bond. Sadly our youngest has suffered ongoing trauma from our eldest. Most recently our eldest has declared they want to 'disown' their sibling when they turn 18 - even though we all continue to live the same house! Meeting their different emotional needs even with 2 parents has been very hard. Our eldest has felt like a bottomless pit, needing so much attention, I truly believe they would have been better off separated. Whilst our youngest would have grieved a lot for her older sibling initially, our eldest's needs have always overshadowed her and they have both missed out on the attention they needed.
We have enjoyed times as a family of 4, and I don't regret our decision, but it has been very hard and I don't expect that they will have an ongoing sibling relationship in adulthood.

We adopted 2 girls, aged 5 and 6, at the time and I think mostly it was easier with two. They have always played well together and love each other very much. One of them has some MH problems, which can be challenging at times, but her sister is very patient with her. They have never kicked off at the same time.

My children are very close in age, so I did not have to cater to different age groups, which made hobbies etc much easier. They are young teens now and still very happy to have each other. I think being together has been hugely beneficial for them.

I think it all completely depends on the children and their specific experiences though. There is really no rule to it.

I don't think you would be confined to a sibling group during matching. We were approved for 2 children, but our sw at some point suggested we also look for just one, because sw were reluctant to place siblings with us, because we lived in a flat on the third floor.