Since parent without support

[damianalexis]

Hi All

I'm at the very begging of the adoption and I have few questions/concerns. Would really appreciate any help/opinions.

I would be a single parent and I have no relatives at all. Would this be a problem?

Although, I'm a homeowner atm. I will probably go to a rented place at the time of the adoption and will be renting for couple of years until in a position to buy the next place. Will this situation be a problem?

I would be looking to adopt a bit older child, maybe 7-12 years old. But I will only be able to support 1 child without siblings. Are there any children like this in the UK or will I need to look internationally?

Many thanks

We're in a slightly different situation in that we do have relatives but they all live very far away so they're not much practical help. We were grilled about support network but we were able to demonstrate that our friends are a brilliant support network. They really have been amazing.

I can see no reason based on what you've written here why you wouldn't be approved. Also you probably won't be waiting long for an older child. Afaik renting isn't a problem either.

But support network will probably come up a lot. Do you have friends who can support you? We also included friends living abroad as emotional support network and they have been just as valuable as the local friends.

Hi, AncientEmo

Many thanks for your response.

I do have friends for emotional support, but since I never had kids on my own, most of my friends are childless. I'm not sure if there is an expectation that people should rely on their friends for childcare? I do not think I would want to ask my friends to look after my child. My plan was to find a child minder, who could help me with after school care and some occasional child care. Would that be reasonable?

Hi I’m a single adopter

last question first, yes there are older children waiting for families.Children over 9/10 are rarely adopted, but there will be 7/ 8 children needing families.
Renting in itself is not an issue but you need to have stable, secure accomodation. Social workers will expect you to be settled, partly for ressons of support. Moving house can be very difficult for adopted children, its more upheaval and change, if you have to then you have to but be aware it can be an issue. My son was nearly 8 at adoption and the idea of moving was a complete no for him. I once mentioned in passing about going to live nearer to nanny and grandad and he was near hysterical - I’ve no idea how he would have handled it if I was serious.
A support network is important, particularly for single adopters. Its not about childcare. Its about support - who would you call on if you were ill to get some shopping in, what would happen if you had to go into hospital. Less dramatically - who could you ask to babysit, have a whinge and a moan to. Think about all the day to day scenarios, going to the dentist, hairdressers, Christmas shopping where you might not want to drag a child along with you.
Most adopters will tell you that their support network changes a lot after adoption, mine certainly has. I have many more friends, adopters and other parents of children with additional needs. But my core support is the same, a small group of friends that I could count on for anything, any emergency.
If you have absolutely no family at all there is something you should consider. If something happened to you, what would happen to your child? I don’t have a huge family, but there is nanny and grandadm an aunt and uncle and a few cousins so he would still have family. I also have two very close friends who I know would never see him alone, without a home and family. Who would be there for your child?
I’ve been lucky, I’ve kept relatively well over the last 9 years but I have had a couple of illnesses, one of which required surgery. It was day surgery but I still needed another adult in the house for a few days.
The current situation with the pandemic really brings this home for single parents. My son is 17 now and would need to have some say in his future if the worst were to happen but I have several friends who could take him in an emergency and help him sort out his long term future.
Adoption is tough, you can’t do it alone.

Hi Ted27

Thanks so much for such detailed response.

I would definitely make sure that there is a stable secure home way before the child arrives. However, I do not think that I can be 100% sure that I won't move house ever. I obviously understand that it will be challenging for the child to change schools. So if that ever was to happen, I would try my best to move within the same area.
I assume that most of people who rent can't guarantee the same accommodation as this can often be down to landlord who can ask you to move out.

I do have friends who can provide emotional support and probably could look after the child in case of an emergency. But I would not want to ask my friends to look after my child if I need to go to a hairdresser. I think I would get that kind of stuff done on my lunch break or at the time when child is gone for some after school or weekend lessons.
In case I need to go somewhere and there is a need for childcare, I would prefer to go to a professional child minder. I assume my opinion can change if I was to have friends with children and that can be a mutual arrangement.

If something was to happen to me, unfortunately, there is nobody who would take the child. I have no family and I do not have friends who I can expect to take my child on. It can change at some point, of course. But atm this is how it is.
This is one of the issues I have with adoption - being concerned that if anything was to happen to me, there will be no family to look after my child.
I obviously would love to adopt with a partner, but I struggle to find a partner who would be up for adoption. My previous relationship fell apart because my ex-partner wanted his own children and he was not interested in adoption.
I'm 32 now and I feel like I can't wait for a right partner forever...

Hi, I am a single adopter too. In terms of support network I am v lucky because I have family nearby. 18 months ago I fell and badly broke my ankle which required surgery and I was in hospital for a week. My son stayed with my Mum whilst I was in hospital and then we both stayed with her until I could start weight bearing. So I think social workers will push hard about this issue. That said since I adopted I (like many others) have found my support network change a lot. Since DS joined me I have become a lot better acquainted with my neighbours who I would (and have) called on them in emergencies. When I had my accident I got a lot of support from other parents at school.

That said I think that you probably need to think creatively about who can support you.

@damianalexis

no of course you can’t guarantee that you will never have to move, life happens, my son would be much more open to the idea but he is settled in secure.
To be honest it does seem a little odd to give up the security of your owm home, rent and then try and get back onto the property market.

I agree with @dimples76 that SWs are going to push hard about your support and your attitudes to your friends involvement. I’m a bit puzzled at your insistence on using professional childcare. I babysat my friends kids long before I ever thought about adoption, it wasnt a problem or an imposition, it was usually good fun ( because you can hand them back!) and I didnt mind helping them out - its not easy to get paid babysitters for random short notice things.
I think you have a bigger problem though. Remember that adoption is first and foremost about providing a child with a family - be that relatives in the legal sense or friends who you regard as family who could provide a home if your child needed it. At some point nature will take its course and you will die, who will be left for your child, even if they are an adult at that point?
If anything had happened to me 4 or 5 years ago I would have expected my son to go to my family. If anything happened now, he would go to friends so he could finish college and they would be support for him as a young adult. We have options.
I really think this is a big problem for you, have you actually spoken to your friends about how they would want to be involved in your child’s life?
32 is actually relatively long in adoption world, many adopters are in their 40s. I’m not suggesting you wait 10 years but you do have time to develop your support but also to think about your attitudes with regard to how you see your support working. At the moment you sound like you intend doing this alone, which isnt great for you or your child.
I may be a single adopter but I havent done it alone. My friends taking ny son for an occasional sleepover or an hour at the park has been a lifesver for me.

Thank you very much guys, for your comments. It is very good to reflect on the situation.

Just to clarify couple of points. With regards to the accommodation. I have a house, but it was jointly purchased by myself and my ex partner. The house is located little bit away from London. Last few years I have been renting and my ex partner lived in that house.
The house will be sold at some point and we will share the proceeds. Since I live and work in Central London, I think it will take me some time to be in a position to buy my own property in London after the house is sold.

Regarding the impression that I want to raise a child on my own. I was left by my birth parent at a very early age and spent my childhood in the system. It is not that I don't want to communicate with my family, I simply do not know who they are.
Regarding friends, I just don't feel like to burden anybody with asking them to babysit. I personally like to do it and think it is fun, but I'm not sure if I would want to ask people.
I think this could be down to my experience. Sister of my ex partner is a single mother and she used to ask me to look after her child for couple of hours and then disappear for the whole weekend. Few times she left her child with me when baby was very sick. I felt like that was not a very good parenting and that is probably the reason why I feel like that. But I would not want to isolate my child from other people and if there were to be people who also had kids and the arrangement was mutual, then I can't see an issue with it.
I think your, guys, comments made me to think that I need to get some better connections with other parents. I'm not in a rush to get on with adoption right now. I'm currently at a very early stage of the process and am trying to get as much information as possible to make sure if that ever happens, it goes smooth.

"I think your, guys, comments made me to think that I need to get some better connections with other parents. I'm not in a rush to get on with adoption right now. I'm currently at a very early stage of the process and am trying to get as much information as possible to make sure if that ever happens, it goes smooth."

I think you are completely right that getting better connected to other parents would help.

I;m just curious and you do not need to answer, but why do you want to adopt? Do you know you cannot have kids the usual way. It's just you are pretty young in adoption circles.

I have a daughter born when I was 39 and a son adopted when I was 49, and I was not the oldest adopter in town!

I have some experience of London and I know it is a massive city so where you live is going to dictate who will be your contacts and supporters etc to some degree.

I've got a teenage birth child and our adopted son joined us almost 7 years ago.

I am sure you don't want to hear this but in your shoes I would really focus on getting a place, ideally bought or if not a very stable let. Working full time at the moment to build up those savings and working on the relationships you do have (and making new ones) so you have people who can support you.

Blood is not thicker than water and adoption teaches you that so much so it doesn't matter if your support network are not relatives. Largely, mine are not.

It's highly unlikely you would die before your child reaches adulthood but I know you need to think about these things. My kids both have numerous God parents and if my sister could not have my kids if dh and I both died, I do know a few very kind people who may well step in. This is highly, highly unlikely but with your own experiences I get why you would feel that this is important to think about.

So for example, once your are stable in an area and you know people there (either existing or new relationships) you would begin to see who can support you, who you would trust your child with for an hour while you go to the GP or whatever.

Your ex partners sister dumping her kids on you for a weekend is 100% weird, whacky and not something most mums do!

Think of the support network as a web of people, not a single or few, people who will drop off fresh milk if you or little one are sick and you cannot leave the house, someone to talk to in the evenings by phone or zoom when you are zonked out, someone (maybe) with slightly older kids who you meet through scouts or brownies or whatever and can support you. You can volunteer at scouts or brownies long before a child appears and this may actually help your application.

But until you know exactly where you will live it'll be harder to build that support IMHO. Of course you may know exactly where you will live and it will be perhaps dictated by work. I just remember working in London and people lived and commuted to work in different places. So need support where they live but meet people from all over!

Lastly, I hope your ex isn't taking advantage of your good nature living in your shared property rent free while you need to rent?

Good luck.

whilst I agree @Italiangreyhound that its unlikely you will die before your child, single prospective adopters do need to think very seriously about how they would manage with illness

I don’t particularly mean serious life threatening illness. For the first 6 years I had nothing more than a cold, and the memorable occasion when we both had a vomiting bug on the same day ( nice!!). But three years ago I had a chest infection/bronchitis. I went from training for a half marathon to barely able to walk. I was out of action completely for two weeks and took another two to recover fully.
Fortunately by this time my lad was in secondary school, making his own way to school, could get his own breakfast, put a wash on, stick a ready meal in the oven. There was no way I could have taken a younger child to school.
18 months ago I had my gall bladder out, very routine day surgery, but I still needed another adult in the house for 48 hours. For both of these I had friends to drop off basics like milk, pick me up from the hospital, stay overnight.
Both of these were very ordinary, every day short term illnesses. If you have a partner thats OK but if you don’t then you need a support network.
@damianalexis I’m sorry you grew up in care, that must have been so hard for you. But if you are going to adopt then you really need to think about creating your own ‘family’ in your friendship circle. If people are true friends it doesnt matter if you have children or not, or if they do or don’t. I wonder if your friends would be surprised about how reluctant you appear to be to accept help from them? Paid childcare is fine, but doesnt always give you or your child what you need.

Everyone’s circumstances are different, you find ways to reciprocate. For example I don’t drive. If we go out with friends and they drive, or give me a lift somewhere, I buy the ice creams, drinks or lunch, I am very generous at christmas and birthdays, I give them veggies and fruit off my allotment. They know I appreciate it and I don’t take advantage.

Your own childhood experiences will actually mean you have a lot of offer a child as an adoptive mum. But in 30 years time would you want your grown up child to be in the same position as you- without a sense of family, wherever it comes from, or being unwilling to embrace friendship. Family is not just about blood relatives, its about your friends as well.

Excellent post @Ted27

Ted27 I am so sorry to hear you have been so ill. I really hope all is ok now.

You gave raised some excellent points.

@Italiangreyhound

having my gallbladder out was one of the best things I've ever done ! All fine now, apart from the creaky old knees

Thank you for asking

I am not a single adopter but I don't have much extended family and what I do have are not local.

I've tried to create for myself and my kids what Bridgette Jones Diary calls 'urban fanily'. People who you are not related to but turn to in a crisis; and in a celebration - like a birthday.

For me these people's relationship with our kids has been 'solemised' by their being our kids' God parents. This doesn't need to be remotely religious (despite the name!).

Both children have at least one special adult who is there for them. Actually they both have 5 but distance and ill health, and other things, mean only 5 in total are really engaged with us locally.

Collectively these people have come to our house for meals (before lockdown) -not all at once! and vice versa. We've exchanged gifts, had them look after our kids (and vice versa) and we have a bond that I hope will endure.

If I did not have my sister, this is definitely the group of people I would look to to care for my kids and I would welcome any of their children into our family in the very unlikely event of the parents' death.

Most children are now 10 plus and some are already adults so the likehood of anyone needing to step in and parent is less and lessons with time.

However, the chance to provide a listening ear to a teenager or a fun trip out etc remains and grows. So win win, of that makes sense.

Hope this helps.

Great news Ted. My knees are creaky too!

I wish we could meet up in real life sometime! The creaky knee club; post Covid of course!!

@Italiangreyhound

why not? I once met up with a group of regular adopters from another forum. It was lovely to meet the real person, though very hard to think about them in terms of their real names !

We'd manage! I met the famous Kew, Kristina and one other, can't remember which babe are went by then. It was just before our little boy was placesd

Name she went by!

Our friendship support network seriously came into their own during early placement! They haven't even done any babysitting yet but they've been amazing dropping off food when needed, passing down clothes etc. And memorably in the first month of placement my wife fell over in the garage and ended up needing stitches. We had DS napping upstairs, wife and garage covered in blood, thank god for a friend who came over and took her to the minor injuries unit meaning we didn't need to cart DS over there. It's not just about babysitting (although I'm sure that's nice...)

May I join creaky knees club please, I am old and badly behaved!

All creaky knees welcome!

@Italiangreyhound

We'd manage! I met the famous Kew, Kristina and one other, can't remember which babe are went by then. It was just before our little boy was placesd

@Italiangreyhound Do you know where Kewcumber is these days? I was only thinking the other day that I haven’t seen her in here for a long time. I hope all is well with her.

She does pop up on here now and again.If you say @kewcumber she may arrive!