The 'so why are they adopted?' question

[Fakinit03]

What are peoples responses to this question? I'm shocked how often I'm asked this and lo isn't even with us yet! I don't want to be rude but I want to shut it down quite quickly that it's not something I'm happy to discuss?

"Their birth family couldn't look after them"

Just say his parents were unable to care for him and due to confidentiality reasons you cannot divulge any more than that. You don't need to give details.

That's their business.
Are you asking for my child's specific, traumatic, private story, it about children in general?
Their birth parents couldn't look after them.
Usual reasons.
Because we chose to adopt.
Some children are.
Fuck off.
Paddington hard stare.
Sorry, what exactly is it you need to know?

Those are all responses I've given. Depends who's asking!

It's a rude question, so sometimes rude people get a rude answer.

They loved him very much but weren't able to meet his needs. Interestingly it's only family that have asked. Friends haven't.

Oh and I agreed that only us and eventually LO would know why, until LO wanted to share with others, which will be years from now.

Birth parents couldn’t keep LO safe

I usually just say because they couldn't stay with their birth family.
Questions have definitely reduced over the years though. Existing friends learned over time that I wouldn't share something just because they asked. New friends that I made after bringing my LO home have asked even less - possibly because the actual placement is well in the past now. It does happen though and I know how you feel!

I used to answer with generalities. e.g. Children being adopted from care are there because their birth parents couldn't look after them or keep them safe.

Depending on relationship I’ll either give general reasons why children are adopted, or ask them why they’re asking. If they’re very pushy I’ll explain that they’re asking a question they don’t know the answer to, that’s none of their business and that they are I’ll equipoise to cope with the answer to. Or I’ll just say it’s private to our family.

Folk often don’t get why it’s not appropriate to ask, but if they persist after me fobbing them off, I tend to be quite blunt.

Unless its someone who may actually need to know (like a doctor) I don’t answer as I feel its his story to tell when he is ready. If it isn’t a real life scenario like on here I will if asked in an appropriate manner.

As an adopted child (now adult) can I suggest you choose your words very carefully. It is really good you are thinking ahead.

I would actually not offer ANY info unless it is to the child’s closest family members.

Even hearing «they could not look after him» is a hard and confusing thing for a child to hear said about them in public. A young child may interpret this «I am difficult to look after»,
«It’s my fault» or «maybe my mum
And dad will also not be able to look after me and go away also».

I would suggest having an answer ready that shuts down the conversation.

«Sorry it is private and we don’t share the information».

It is your child’s story to tell if and when they want to. And I would explain that to them. Explaining that everything can be discussed with you but unless your child specifically asks you to you will not share their private info with others.

By any info I mean even stating the bio parents could not keep them safe.

My standard reply is: we don't share their private information.

I would actually not offer ANY info unless it is to the child’s closest family members.

Absolutely this, though to be honest I’ve not shared their story with anyone in our family other than the very basics (neglect, substance misuse) because I don’t want my kids when they’re older sitting at Christmas dinner wondering who knows what about them. As they grow I’ll ask their permission about sharing bits with the people they’re closest to so they have people outside of me and their dad they can talk to. If I need support with stuff arising from their adoption story (which knowing all the facts, I know I will) I’ll keep that to my closest friends that the kids aren’t involved with as such. It’s tricky and there’s no one right answer.

@donquixotedelamancha

My standard reply is: we don't share their private information.

That is such a good answer.

I can't imagine in a million years asking someone such a personal question about their children and I do have friends with adopted children. They volunteered a little information over time but it would have been an appalling intrusion for me to ask. People should have better manners.

Its crazy how many people think its OK to ask. I have even had people contact my family to ask. We just say I not our story to tell.

I met my first AC when I was working on NICU, when asked why he wasn't with birth parents I was naughty and would reply "ssh I stole him from work" smile and walk away.
What also irritates me is "ooh they are so lucky to be adopted" . No we are lucky!

"ssh I stole him from work" Excellent.

I've also said "found them under a bush", or "the stork brought them".

And to the "lucky" thing, I always respond "we're lucky to have them." I want them to hear that every single time. That I am the lucky one, getting chance to be their mum. Sadly, they were desperately unlucky before they were even a few days old, so calling them lucky is a huge injustice.

percypetulant you are so right they were so unlucky not to meet their parents expectations and with our youngest son to be so neglected he became so ill he was left deafblind and cerebral palsy RIP my lovely boy. Sorry if not appropriate having a bad day! Don't want to hijack.

Thank you all for your help, so far I e just gone with ah you know just the sort of thing you might expect then changed the subject, one colleague asked me more than once and eventually said so are you gonna tell us why she's being adopted? To which I replied No it's her story she deserves to live her life the same as anyone else without everyone knowing everything about her before she even does. The colleague didn't look happy but hasn't asked again!

My DCs are told "your birth mum couldn't look after a baby" (not specifically them).
But for most adults I'd say "that's their story to share".
I also get "where's she from" for DD who is an unusual ethnicity. As she and DS (white) are from the same country I once asked DS "do you want to tell the man where you are from?" and being 4 he said "I was born from a tummy". And another time just "No". Another time it was just me and DD who was by then 4 and I said "we just live down the hill" and the woman bloody persisted!
So adoption nosyness and racism which is extra nice.

I have heard of adoptive parents who turn the question around and ask people intimate questions around either their own conception/birth or that of their children.

Just say "I'm sorry but I can't say"

I sometimes counter a nosy question with "why do you ask?".
This can separate out the askers into people who realise immediately it was intrusive and apologise, people who hadn't realised it was intrusive and were asking out of interest and are happy to accept no answer and maybe even think twice before asking someone else, and people who are just nosy fuckers and want to know other people's business. (MIL is one of those and asks a lot about my extended fanily so I sometimes say it is none of my business, implying that it's even less of hers!)

A version of "it's not my story to tell" is honest and if people persist with rudeness then they need to be prepared to get a blunt reply.

We are a few days from matching panel so currently going through the process of telling work etc, I've been a little shocked about the questions I have received already. I wasn't prepared for them to be honest, as I assumed people (that I don't know that well) wouldn't be so nosey. I have been asked:
Do you know about their background?
Why is he being adopted?
Is birth mum ok about them being adopted?
How old?
What's their name?
What's his mum and dad like? Are they the 'typical' types??
Do you think the move will effect him?
Where is he now?

I have had alot of lovely questions etc too but it's been interesting!!

Luckily I'm quiet resilient to this and have basically brushed them off with yes I know, but don't tell them anything else.

I suppose I better get used to handling this and found suggestions on this thread helpful!

I usually give a long, very detailed and highly educational talk about modern adoption. I think most people deeply regret having asked me. :-)))

I think being curious is natural and people who ask hardly ever have bad intentions. They do not know that our children have suffered trauma, that adoption is not the easy happy-ever-after presented in so many books and movies. They don't know anything about adoption and find it interesting. That's fair enough I think.

I think it is important to model a good response to the child though. So when my children are around, I usually say "that is private" and that is what my kids tell their friends too.