Give me your opinions on foster carer contact

[Runner31]

I feel like I'm posting a fair bit just now so sorry with bombarding you. My other half and I are a little concerned about pur LO's move from foster care to us nearly a week ago. The transition changed at the last minute from an 11 day transition to a 5 day one at the request of the foster carer. She claimed it was the need of the child (our 7yr old LO) and in some ways we agreed but he is all about routine and planning and it was really thrown at him that in two days time he would be moving and it was all happening sooner. The transition felt manic to us so I can only guess it was much the same for him.
His foster carer is going against the advice of social work and wants no further contact with him, regardless of his needs. His time with her came to an abrupt end and he seems to us to be waiting for some sort of contact from her which we know, is never coming. What should we do? It's obviously very early days so do we just carry on as we are or should we ask for her to send him a card or something to signal to him that she is fine and is happy he has moved on. We could push for her to do that but she held all the control with the transition so I don't know if she would even do that.
Any ideas or suggestions?

Gosh, poor lad. I would certainly raise this with the LA, and get their advice. Totally reasonable to want her to provide reassurance that she's ok, and supports the move. Really unprofessional of the foster carer.

Poor little boy, do you have any inkling why the FC has behaved like this?

Worst case, you never hear from FC again, in which case I would try and tell DS that he is lovable, and memorable. I wouldn't lie, and say they love him, or remember him, if that's not true. But saying HE is lovable, he is memorable, etc is important. Make sure he knows it's the job of SWs to support FC, and he doesn't need to worry about them, they'll be ok.

That’s awful. I’d definitely get in touch with LA. It’s horrid at that age that he can’t have a phone call or anything.

poor boy, we had something similar but not quite so abrupt

we had a couple of phone calls and one meeting, I did ask the SW to intervene to get her to send him a birthday card which was a couple of months after he arrived, She never explicitly said she didnt want contact but just wasn’t forthcoming.
My son absolutely grieved for me, he waited for Christmas and birthday cards for years and was bitterly disappointed.
I have always enabled him to talk about her, looked at the photos, express his feelings. I framed their last photo together and put it on his wall.
I think its reasonsble to assume that he is expecting some contact and if you are absolutely sure its not going to happen, I think you need to find some way of letting him know that, and that its not his fault.
You could frame it as it was the FCs job to look after him while the SWs were looking for his new mummy and daddy and she wants him to be happy in his new life, she has new little boys and girls like him to look after whilst they look for their new families. Put into context for him.

It was very tough at times, but as he became involved in his new life, it became less raw, and we can talk about her as part of his life. Interestingly in the last couple of years they have reconnected via facebook and she seems open to a meeting,
They have moved since he lived with them and by quirk of fate they now live minutes away from some good friends so when we are able I think we will be able to drop by for a visit

Thanks for your comments, it's really helpful. Her reason is she doesn't think he will attach to us if he sees her again or has contact with her and that it's how she emotionally copes with foster children leaving. The local authority are aware and weren't happy but have said they can't force her. At the moment she has agreed to sending him a WhatsApp message (to me for me to share with him) and that's it but that's only if she's pushed. He seems to be trying really hard to settle and move on and I don't think it's necessarily stopping him from settling with us (it's clearly early days) but it is more that it seems it was so rushed it doesn't really feel like that part of his life is over. He was there 3 years and in the space of one week he found out he was leaving her and moved out. It just seems too much to expect him to experience that without there being some sort of goodbye from her and I'm worried about adding another traumatic experience on to his already trauma filled life.
We have a meeting with CAMHS in the next couple of weeks and we're going to raise it with them. SW have basically said if CAMHS think it's necessary they will push her harder.

I hope SW do push her harder, that sounds so awful for him. Could they try to push her for a whats app video call at the very least - I would be hoping for a few tbh, but at least that should be manageable for her in his best interest. If coming from the SW too she surely cant argue its not in his best interest. hes going to need to grieve them before he can attach to you.
Maybe you can make little puppets of her and you and him so you can play all that stuff out with him give him a chance to repeat it etc and help him make sense if it, talking on about how you felt etc (the positive bits!) something like that? Might help till you can get a whats app video call from her at least?
I thought post adoption foster carer visits were the norm?

The thing is foster carers are employed to do a job, they need to be able to move on and may find an ending too difficult- while you’d want them to do whatever is in the best interests of the child the reality is many struggle to end well.

Your LO needs to grieve, they would need to grieve anyway, they’ve had a monumental change in their lives and need time. I’d be honest and upfront about contact from foster carers much in the way @Ted27 described - it was their job to care for him while a new family was found for him. Helping him process this loss will help place you as able to care for him when things are hard.

My little boy grieved hard for his foster carers (we stopped contact for various reasons), it took a long time but he came through it with a good understanding of what happened and why, and a growing attachment to me and my DH.

Oh my gosh that’s very sad. I’m a foster Carer and I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t recognise how much he needs this. If it were me I would text her and explain how much he needs it and try and get at least a WhatsApp call a video message. You’ve got nothing to lose.

That sounds terrible. My children were around the same age (5 and 6) when placed with us. Could you write a card with him to the fc or make some art work and send it? So at least he feels he can do something.

I would also ask sw to push the fc and possibly join in the video call or whatever is decided. If none of that works, I would would tell your son the truth: his fc loved him and is very sad, but wants him to be happy with his new family. She thinks it is better, if they are not in touch, because it would make both of them very sad.

I would read books about loss with him. My children loved Knuffle Bunny (which is about loss in a roundabout way) in the first months.

All Adoptions are different as a FP and Adoptee of many years find it best too be none judgmental and open. Can be very difficult we are approaching in numbers nearing 3 figures of children placed. We tend too go with the flow but are here if support or advice is needed can be difficult at times., but good outcomes sets president

Thanks for the advice. The only way I can think to explain the situation is by saying, she tells SW what to do, not the other way round. That was made very clear to us by both sides early on. I suggested we make a card with LO but SW said no as they didn't see the point and she has said absolutely no video calls. I completely understand why he's doing it but the constant comparisons between us and her is becoming really exhausting. His poor mind must be in utter turmoil. On one hand he's trying to call us mum and dad and on the other he's talking about how he can't do something because she said not to (like eat a chocolate bar for example) and telling us how things are in 'his house' the foster carers.
We were prep'd for all the trauma of his past and spoke to CAMHS about all that but the transition from FC to us was not something we were prepared for. It feels like such a mess. He's totally accepting of life with birth mum ending but not the one with his foster carer.

Have I just been totally niaive and stupid not to think about that more before hand?

Have I just been totally niaive and stupid not to think about that more before hand?

Not stupid, no, but in the gentlest way possible the transition he’s making is incredibly difficult and what you’re describing is to be expected.

While he’s 7, so maybe has a different awareness of what’s happening than a youngster child, he’s going to be very, very confused.

He’s been taken (for the second time in his young life) away from the home he knows and the people he knows to be family to him and placed in a completely new place with new people. He’s been told they’re “mum and dad”, but what does that mean when you’re on your third set of parental figures in the space of 7 years. He’s been taught how to behave and fit in and be accepted in his last two places and now someone has changed the rules. And they sound different and smell different and eat different things.

The poor child will feel like he just can’t get it right. At 7 he’ll have a good awareness of how he’s expected to behave but your expectations will be different, your home culture, the unwritten rules, he doesn’t know any of them and will feel like he’s doing something wrong because the people who raised him to this point taught him how to behave. Whether he calls you mum and dad or not, you’ve not earned the place in his life yet to tell him what to do or not do. What that means is you need to discuss and explain and understand. So if you give him a chocolate bar “let’s both have some chocolate - it’s ok to have a treat every now and again” but also have a “permitted” snack available. His anxiety may be too high to enjoy the chocolate if he thinks he’s done something wrong.

Take the same approach to everything, explain why you do what you do or why X behaviour is ok/not ok in your house. He’s not trying to be hurtful, he literally doesn’t know how the world works so teach him the rules in your house and, unless it’s harmful, let him follow his old rules until he is ready to let go. He will, in time.

It’s hardly been a week, he’s adjusting and so are you both - he’s an older child and this transition is going to be very difficult for him. I can’t imagine how bloody terrified he must be - every single thing in his life has changed, and he keeps being told to break the rules, and his old parents never want to see him again - he may think that’s because he’s done something wrong so be very clear about why he’s not still with foster carers (not in a way that blames them, but that explains they were caring for him until his new, forever mum and dad were found, and now it’s time for them to care for other children who need a new family too).

On a practical level, get some rest and some space - you’ll cope better with a clear, rested mind. While your head knows he’s not rejecting you per se it feels very very rejecting, so take it easy where you can.

@jellycatspyjamas thank you, that's exactly what I needed to read. I'm going to save it to read after a tough day. It's so easy to lose sight of what you know when you're caught up in the emotion of it all.
A lot of what you said is so clear in what we're seeing. I don't know how much it's helping but we've got a really good dialogue with him going now and he's openly talking about the differences between his foster carers house and ours. I know he sometimes feels like he can't do things because she wouldn't like it and when your self deprecating anyway that's got to be a really hard position to be in.

Anyway, before I waffle any more. Thanks again.

Oh this sounds so sad for him and so hard for you both too. I dont know but maybe sitting with him and writing out your family rules will help him in this side of things, working slowly through them with him and getting his rules from his foster care home out of him and giving each proper thought so that you can bring them together, like when he was allowed chocolate bars and when hes now allowed chocolate bars (as tip of the iceberg kind of thing I know) but then he knows, and you know what hes used to and it may help reduce his anxieties if things are written down with his help and understanding - no idea if that would work with him/ you, only you know the situation & him, just thought about how id deal with such a difficult situation. im so sad for you both that she wont do a video call. Id do the card and say wel keep it safe in the lifestory book or special box or something, poor boy needs something! does he have any other links from that life you can do without foster carers input? Maybe bingewatching whatever shows he watched there, anything so bridge the homes/routines as best you can? Hope your ok it sounds really hard.

@scully29 binge watching tv shows made me giggle. He explicitly said he doesn't want to watch anything new just now. Just things he already knows. I guess that's where he's getting comfort. We made up house rules together and have am A4 sheet his foster carer had of her rules in our kitchen.
I think we will do a card. Even if she doesn't want or need to receive it, it's obviously needed. This part is far harder than I thought.

My two were 4 and 6 when placed, the transition to our house was by far the hardest thing we’ve dealt with (so far). There’s so much change involved for everyone, including the new parents, it’s very hard going.