Wow. What was this reaction to a school certificate?

[Rainallnight]

DD is 4 and in Reception. Bubble had to self isolate before Christmas so our home learning started back then.

In an online ‘achievement assembly’ last week, she was given a certificate for trying really hard at her phonics at home.

The certificate just arrived in the post* and provoked an enormous negative reaction. She had a huge tantrum, said she didn’t want it, bit the corner off it (), and said she only wanted to do phonics because she wanted to do phonics. Then she hit me.

She was removed from BPs at birth, came to us at 8 months. Is NT and on the face of it doesn’t have any major issues but is prone to being disregulated, and can be oppositional as heck. She’s also charming and funny and clever and lovely.

I’m baffled and a bit shocked.

Any thoughts?

*yes, post on a Sunday, weird.

How is she with receiving praise generally? It's quite common for adopted children to find praise hard to take and it's tied to self esteem and not feeling worthy.

My money though would be on her being annoyed about the school closure. She feels let down and rejected by the school and feels a lack of control over this. Have you thought about trying to have her attend school during the closure? My DS is in reception and going in. Cases are quite low in this area and since he's adopted he was immediately allowed in as classed as 'vulnerable'. It's kept him on an even keel as his routine is largely unchanged.

Thanks @sunshineandskyscrapers. She’s actually usually fine with praise and in fact really likes it! That’s why I’m so surprised by this.

You could be right that a lot of it is to do with school. She loves it and loves her teacher and going there was so good for her after quite a bumpy summer emotionally.

Covid rates are extremely high where we are, though. Pretty much worst in the country, so I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

Didn’t know adopted kids were classified as vulnerable though!

Schools including adopted children as vulnerable seems to be a bit of a grey area. There is a whole other thread on it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/4118432-Back-to-schools-guideline

From what I know, most schools are allowing adopted children to attend as long as the parents ask, but aren't offering it if they don't. I checked on the first day of lockdown and DS was on a pre-approved list of vulnerable children so they didn't hesitate in admitting him. Our school is at about 50% capacity during the so-called closure and the school day is running pretty much as usual with the regular class teacher. To keep him at home would just put him further behind, although if cases rise we will need to reconsider.

I think in your position I'd just take this morning's tantrum on the chin, acknowledge her feelings around missing school and look for opportunities where you can give her a bit of choice and control in her life.

Could she be feeling a lot of pressure to actually learn the phonics. Hard to be sure in written text and I might be totally wrong but it sounds like she's saying 'I only want to do phonics when I want to do it and it not be such a huge deal and perhaps the award has actually made her feel more pressured. Or it could be as pp have said that she simply misses school? Perhaps do some 'wondering' with her when she's a bit more regulated. She sounds very articulate so this might help unpick it

Could she be feeling abandoned by school?

In an online ‘achievement assembly’ last week, she was given a certificate for trying really hard at her phonics at home how did she react at the time, did she seem happy or annoyed or embarrased? How many children got certificates and were they all comparable? Has she done "well" at phonics or was it a sort of "made up" congratulations? And has she had a certificate before and if yes or no has she had feelings about it either way?

(Phew! A lot of questions there!)

I would guess she's got lots of big feelings around school, possible feelings of rejection, or low self esteem, and would do "wondering" about that. And also letting her know that you're proud she's learning phonics for herself, and not anyone else, there's adults who haven't got that love of learning internalised!

Big feelings sometimes jump out in unexpected places, so I'd focus on letting out the big feelings generally- trampoline, exercise, singing, etc.

No answers beyond what everyone else has posted, mine who is also 4 would quite likely have reacted the same way. School is very triggering at the moment as she's missing it. She has been offered face to face learning but we decided against it in the end for the time being because it would be so digital what she was used to.

Thanks so much for all the incredibly helpful advice.

Yes, there are a lot of big feelings around at the moment.

Things have escalated from the certificate reaction to having the same reaction to any school learning I try to get her to do. It culminated the other day in her throwing her phonics stuff literally in my face.

So I’m just going to take a massive step back from it all.

@thismightnotbesight She was just kind of baffled at the time! Two kids from each class got one. They were all for effort or kindness and that kind of thing. Hers was for making an effort and she certainly had been (not any more!). She’d never got one before - this was Reception’s first time.

It sounds like she’s having a very natural reaction to change tbh, school is a huge part of their lives and for that to change is hard going. If it’s the first time her class have been given certificates she might be quite bewildered by it - I think it wasn’t ideal that they chose to do it online for the first time because it’s a change on top of a change and might signify something to her in terms of a change in expectation (school is at home and you’re expected to work hard on your phonics). It may also be that the change in school has triggered old feelings for her around change. At 8 months she won’t have a narrative memory of moving to you, but her whole system will have felt that change deeply at a time when she couldn’t make sense of it or have any way of articulating her loss and confusion.

I think you’re right in backing off formal work - 4 is too early for formal learning in my view, where I am she wouldn’t be in school yet. Use the time to connect with her, support her in play and learning will come in time.

My daughter finds praise almost impossible so finds school certificates hard - she wants one because on some level she knows it means she’s done something good, but also can’t cope with feeling she’s done well so we often see upset behaviour or destructive behaviour as she tries to bring her world back in to balance.

@Rainallnight I think @Jellycatspyjamas has given a really good reply. Age 4 was way, way too for my son to start at school. Formal learning in some other countries doesn't start till 7.
Honestly, focus on play based/ hands on learning. Phonics could be gently introduced while reading a recipe for baking cookies for example.
My son did not (and still does not) do worksheets. They would be ripped up and thrown across the kitchen!'

I would say something a bit different (a bit late, sorry) because it sounds like your dc was happy doing the phonics work, the problem(s) were to do with the certificate, or the certificate triggered the outbursts, and it is therefore better to work out what exactly has upset your dd rather than just backing off because (a) otherwise the same feelings will resurface again, possibly about something else, unless you help her with the feelings and (b) it is in fact difficult and demoralising for dc to fall behind their peers at school and difficult to catch up – learning in classrooms tend to build on learning so the better one skill is acquired, the easier it is to do well at the next skill.

Big feelings are the symptom and I think trampolining and walks are really great for helping with regulation, but you do also need to work out the root cause of the feelings and talk to her about whatever it is, specifically, and support her with it.

It might be worth talking to her teacher about it though, and finding out her expectations.

I am not sure you can compare formal learning in other countries, as there will be several things they do differently. In some countries in Europe it is true that the children don't learn to read and write at school until 6/7 but they do do early learning phonics and maths and other structured and teacher led activities before then, plus they go to school from 2.5 years, start in classrooms with fully qualified teachers and the children are expected to follow instructions and conform to the teacher's early learning teaching schedule.

Thank you, @thismightnotbesight, not too late at all, this is still very much a live issue!

I feel really conscious of the issues you raise. She’s only Reception but she will be behind when she goes back which is a worry; not because I’m worried about achievement per se, but because it’s demoralising as you say, not to be in step with the others.

She is very articulate and pretty good at talking about her emotions but I’m having real trouble unpicking what’s going on here.

We are having the same reaction to anything school related. Today it turned into a violent meltdown with hitting and throwing stuff around.

We’re not doing any more home schooling, we’re just going to concentrate on reading and some leap start phonics.

School did offer us a day a week but my gut feeling is it will be more disruptive.

@RestingPandaFace Yes we had the same with my son. He just was not emotionally ready at age 4 and was really more like a 2 year old. Lots of kids get on just fine in our UK education system, but a significant number struggle.
Education is one of the main areas where adopters seek support and advice for their kids unfortunately. Generally speaking there is not enough flex in the system to meet individual needs and the focus tends to be on testing and outcomes rather than being child led.

@rainallnight have you tried mirroring back to her what she said? "You only wanted to do phonics because you wanted to do phonics, is that right?" and see how she reacts. Other ideas - "did you see it as you and me doing phonics together and you didn't want a certificate?" and/or "would you like me to ask the school not to give you certificates and you and I can just continue what we were doing?"

It is likely that it isn't just the certificate and not the phonics, it will be a combination of things, and asking her lots of questions in relation to easy things that she will be able to answer - like about colours she likes or what is happening around her, just to get her talking, might lead to insights or lead to her talking more about what is troubling her. Each time you get through a period like this will make it easier for the next time. (Sorry, yes, there will be a next time!) Her feeling that you know her will make a difference.

Is there a time of day when she is very relaxed with you and receptive, like when you read to her in bed last thing at night? This might be a really good time to get her to do just one thing with you, from memory (not looking at the school work) before you then reading. It is maybe getting the good feeling about doing something "work" together.

Her teacher may have ideas too if they have the full picture. It is true it is "early" for work at 4 but at the same time, children of this age love learning new things and love doing exercises and activities when all things are equal, is the way I have always thought of it.