Managing a toddler and attachment relationship whilst trying to home school

[Crechendo]

Phew that's a lengthy title. Very sorry.

I have a 17 month old with developmental delay. (Poss GDD) who needs a lot of attention from me. I also have a bright 5 year old who needs constant mental stimulation. The 5 year old is a BC. The youngest has been with us 7 months and is adopted.

I honestly have no clue how to teach the 5 year old when the 17 month old is there. I have no problem with activities or things to do. It's the actual time to do it.

I'm incredibly conscious this is mean to be our time for bonding and developing attachments. I'm also being asked to do things with LO to bring on his development by our support teams.

Should I only do something when it's nap time so potentially 45 minutes a day? And leave him for the rest to focus on the youngest?

Let the 17 month old play in another room but watch them on the monitor to make sure they're safe? If they're in the same room they try to take anything eldest is playing with. I'll also not be able to help eldest with anything their stuck with because if I'm there littlest wants to be on me/held.

I'm hoping I'm missing some ingenious way to deal with this.

I know a lot of people are doing this as well as working, and also have older children who are struggling with the transitions and uncertainties, so I know it could be worse for me but at the moment I can't see a way and feel so much pressure to try to help both as much as I can.

Maybe the answer is treat it as one long Christmas holiday and do nothing but TV and walks. But I don't feel like thats being fair to my eldest and their education. And I don't feel that's me doing my best for helping littlest develop. I know TV isn't the enemy but it can't be the answer for 6weeks!

This does sound tough. I think your first priority needs to be keeping your little family unit, including yourself, fed, happy and as stress free as possible, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I would avoid putting the little one in a different room. I can't imagine they'd be very happy and wouldn't you then end up focusing your attention on the monitor? At five a lot of learning is play based so you don't need to feel like he has to be sitting down at a table with pencil and paper in order to be learning. There are things you could definitely do together every day like singing and dancing and story time. They'd probably both enjoy playing with water, sand and paint as well.

If you do want to give your older child some uninterrupted work space, would the dining table be inaccessible enough for the little one so that the big one can have some peace? Set little one up on the floor so you can flit between or keep him on your hip and stand back from the table so you can help big one but without the little one's hands all over his work.

You can use your walking time as learning time, just by taking about what's around you, or the changing seasons, or space, or counting things. My DS likes to have a ticksheet when he goes out on a walk of things to spot. Depending on how his reading is you can use words or just pictures. Or do a scavenger hunt where he needs to collect up certain items and then make and label a collage when he comes home.

You can add bits of maths and reading into your day for example could he help you with food prep? There's plenty of opportunities in that for both reading and maths. And can he also be a valuable assistant in the work you need to do with little one, doing anything that keeps him busy and feeling involved?

Do use screens when you need to. Your big one is going to be just fine at the end of all this so cut yourself some slack and don't feel like you need to be a full time teacher. Put your energy into making sure everyone feels happy and loved. That is what will serve them well long term.

I'm hoping I'm missing some ingenious way to deal with this.

Gin :-)

I think your first priority needs to be keeping your little family unit, including yourself, fed, happy and as stress free as possible, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

This. Teacher and parent of two adopted kids here.

At 5 what your child needs is lots of communication from you. By all means fit some bits of the school programme into your fun activities but talking and reading with them are the main things. I would not be doing much formal 'teaching', if any. Scandinavian schools don't do any formal teaching at that age and get high achievement.

Concentrate on attachment, play and enjoyment for both of them and on looking after yourself.

My two were older so different challenges but I found the time at home last time was so good for us as a family. Your LO needs to bond with you but also with their sibling so anything you can do that helps build their relationship will be great in the longer term.

In terms of learning, research show that reading with your 5 year old is the most beneficial thing you can do, even 10 minutes a day. Otherwise play based learning is key at that age.

My two are going in twice a week this time under vulnerable children provision - is that an option for your 5 year old. While they may not be the adopted child, they’ve had huge adjustments to make, it might be worth talking to your HT about whether they can accommodate him even for a day or two to allow you space with your toddler and provide some consistency for your older child?

45 minutes a day sounds plenty for a 5 year old to me. Bear in mind you could do some on the weekends too if you wanted. I know people who carried on the home school routine during the school holidays too. I'd focus on your connection to the 5 year old during that time. I am a full time SAHM at the moment, parenting one adopted 4 year old who is currently playing the mighty pup game on the Xbox in the same room as me while I eat my lunch. She's making up a lovely story to go with it that in all probability has nothing to do with what she should be doing according to the game. So far, 2 days in to homeschooling I've refused to do work related to the epiphany and new year due to issues we've had around Christmas and fireworks in the last few weeks and she's point blank refused to do anything related to phonics. Oh and I've renewed my subscriptions to hopster and reading eggs as they worked really well for us last lockdown. We have a cupboard full of orchard games, puzzles and various different building sets and a bookcase full of reading, colouring and sticker books so I figure we have plenty of stuff that we can do that's school related even if we don't do the stuff set by school.

@Crechendo I really feel for you but I think you need to lower your expectations. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. You will run yourself so thin worrying about it all.

My birth child was 6 during the last lock down. She is way behind in reading. I told her teacher I wasn’t doing any of the set work and focused on a bit of reading, writing and maths a day (about 10-20 minute activity). That’s all we could manage. I have a younger child (aged 4) with significant trauma and attachment issues and he needed me. My daughter needed me for school work. I couldn’t meet his needs if focused solely on her and she wasn’t get the one to one she needed either ( I know kids at school don’t get one to one for activities but at home that is what she needed.)

So instead we focused on play. Sometimes board games, role play, outdoors, cooking, painting whatever. The focus was our relationship as a family.

My daughter returned to school and had went up two reading levels! I inadvertently taught her things she hadn’t covered in maths and her confidence soared.

My plan for this time is exactly the same. My attitude? They have 13 years to learn to read and write and they will do it. They need to feel safe and loved now.

I’d say 45 minutes formal learning a day during nap time is plenty - bear in mind a 5 year old is only at school 9-3 and at least 1.5 hours of that is break times. Then in class time they’re in a class of 20-30 so get wayyy less intense support so overall 45 minutes 1:1 time works out as roughly the same. The rest of the time you can play, learn through play, and continue to build the bond both with your baby and between the siblings.

I am a teacher and posted this on my social media feed during the fort pick down to reassure parents about home learning:

‘I am noticing some comments on social media about their kids getting some school work done but they run out of steam by the afternoon. That is ABSOLUTELY FINE! In school we probably only do about 2/3 hours actual work in a day - there is a lot of time taken out for break/lunch/play/toilet runs/transition etc. Also a numeracy lesson may last an hour in a classroom of 30 because the teacher has to teach the concept (sometimes three different concepts) and then get around the classroom to check everyone has grasped it! To facilitate this they may set a page of 30 sums to help consolidate the learning, help her see who has it and who doesn’t and also the activity is largely to keep the class busy while they move around everyone. In a class of 1 or 2 at home you might do a few together, discover they have the skill, practise a couple more together to make sure and then leave it! Numeracy is done for the day!! It does not need to take an hour. An hour and half of school work a day at home with a 1-1 ratio is far more than 6 hours in school. Play, read, bake, nap, do whatever the rest of the time.‘

45 quality 1-1 is plenty!! If you really feel he needs more can you get a family member to do a bit with him over zoom or a video call. He can go to another room to read to granny, practice words, phonics etc. It was also give him quality time with another family member who he may be missing at this time.

My youngest is 5 and I spent my day imagining how it would go with a wee one aswell (as we hope soon will happen!) and I think it would all work. The top key is to take things slow, not put too much pressure on yourself and enjoy your time with them I think. Ive always loved homeschooling so mine do, we dont sit and work to unrealistic expectations we do things in short bits, we have a very regular rythum/routine so they know what to expect and you know when you can have a cup of tea/ rest and when you can do the jobs need doing etc. The routine also means you dont feel guilty that you arent doing enough as slowly you will go through the things you hope to have them learn. It will take trial and error to find what works for your family, especially with naps etc and it will need to be flexible and gentle.

Defo dont go for the putting one in a seperate room, do things together. 5 year olds learn by play so if you have a play focused learning plan youl know they are learning and not feel things are a waste of time.

Today we did-
9.00 - 10.00 was PE -cosmic yoga & supermovers. Supermovers is amazing and thats what mine do in school, they love them and they are really learny. We also like mini disco for PE!
Then we did half an hour of worksheets & spelling practice from school. They dont like this much but they do them while I do the jobs & help when needed.
Then They did computer based learning for a bit - reading eggs, maths seeds & mystery science - these are all amazing and my eldest totally taught himself to read from reading eggs so if yours likes computer games this is brilliant. This gives me time to make lunch etc.
Then we had lunch and then went on our walk where we did puddle jumping in ice which they loved. Good chance to chat about science bits of ice!
We then stopped at the library for our books and they excitedly read them when we got in.
Then my youngest (5) did play based learning with playdo.

So kind of:
PE
Formal learning/workbooks
Computer based learning
Walk
Stories
Play based learning

So if you make a schedule that fits your day you can see what you are achieving as you go along, even though its no pressure and very free flowing.

On walks can defo do nature chats and collecting cool leaves etc for art, scavenger hunts etc. Can also play games like Ispy and animal alphabet (working together to do the alphabet with adjectives... angry ant, big bird, crazy cat etc). Quests are also fun where you use storytelling, help your eldest develop storytelling skills, use of adjectives etc by making it an adventure as you go ( today we need to find the 3 magic leaves the fairies have left out for us, watch out for tiny mice, shh dont wake the owl in that tree.... etc etc.. make it up to their interest and give them a chance to tell a tale too...)

We have great workbooks to their interest - starwars/pawpatrol/peter rabbit etc there are so many great ones you can get.

Id also say that reading stories as a three on the sofa will be really good - your littlest can see the pictures and snuggle in and your eldest can read along with you best they can? It all inspires a love of books!

And that there are soo many amazing learny TV shows that are incredible that you can all sit together on the sofa and enjoy that will be good for both ages in different ways and good for snuggle time. - Alphablocks, numberblocks etc, and totally recommend Mr Thorne on youtube for your phonics and that may be what you are needing now really, the phonics practice? He's fun for the littlest too Id think. So totally dont worry about using TV for learning, its used loads in school and is so good for learning and for snuggle family time.

You can also put the duplo/sticklebricks/bricks/ whatever on a rug to do together while you watch things.

Of course you may have buckets of formal work or zoom lessons from school and that may be different but if you can take it slow and steady (you will win that way!) make the learning fun and give the eldest a love of storytelling and learning and both of them chances to snuggle.

Millions of different play based learnings you can try. chalks (letter formation), water play (sink/float etc), jigsaws (pattern recognition) etc, things like that, its all really good.

I think its about making a plan that works for you and them where you feel some good learning is in place in a regular way that involves both children, and the more formal stuff during nap time etc and works around what needs to be done without causing stress then it will all be fine. School can tell you what to focus on? I imagine phonics and some writing practice and some number skills? Also see Twinkl is got great worksheets etc by age. Also BBC bitesize. Its all brilliant!

Sorry, should also have said it is hard and there will be good days and bad days no matter what you do! So if something isnt working for you, cut it out of your learning plan. Mostly, take it easy on all of you and dont feel guilty about your eldest's learning, family harmony is most important and a nonstressed mum. And dont forget all the the children in the country are now getting less organised education right now so will all be in a similar situation academically.

Dont know if this is helpful but CBBC are doing 3 hours a day of live lessons aimed at young children.

Just to respond specifically to what you asked, how to manage them both while the 5 yo does things the 17mo cannot - you can get large playpens which convert into children barriers - you could segregating the room into 2...

...put a lot of toys and soft climbing stuff messy play etc etc in 17mo's side....

..sit 5 year old at table on other side with their work/sums/colouring in/kumon/painting/activities etc etc...

Go from one t'other.

Involve 17mo in talking chatting to them about what you are doing with 5 yo, picking up and playing while talking to 5 yo but dont let 17mo interefere physically with 5 yo during the time when 5 yo is having their space

This is on the basis that your 5 yo will be happy doing their work/activity on own while you play with 17mo in same room, on other side of playpen "wall" - if not then like pps have said there are lots of things you can do with them together!

So this is just an idea.

Sorry but I don't think you should segregate the children as pp suggested.

• at 5yo it's not going to matter a lot what you do for six weeks so don't sweat the schoolwork
• you could turn some things into a game the kids can play together ; for instance, use cut-out letters and call on the kids alternatively to find this letter, spell out that word, etc
• rather than think of this as lost schoolwork, think of it as an opportunity to further build the bond between your children. Try and do more things with them both, encourage them to play together, do activities they both can enjoy. For instance, cooking biscuits - the baby can be the taster while your big boy can help cook. Or playing with a ball/bubbles/pencils. Play with legos. Etc.

Ans, while screens may not be the enemy, personally I can't abide them.

@Marty13 if you read my post, I didn't suggest anything, I responded to the question which was how to give the 5 yo work at the same time as spending time with the LO ie not putting them in a different room or watching tv which the OP had considered. This isn't all day, this is just when the 5 yo is doing work. I wouldn't give advice here, tbh, as all dc are different, and the OP is best person to judge what stimulation their 5 year old needs. Hope that makes sense.

Id add that personally, I think screens can be amazing - the educational stuff out there is phenomenal - BBC bitesize just one example of the fantastic stuff onscreen at the moment. Also, in school they are on a screen much of the day so lockdown learning is ok to be similar.