I don't think I'm up to this

[AncientEmo]

I'm knackered, not being playful, keep forgetting to do PACE, and over Christmas I shouted at DS several times :( I read and prepared so much before he came, I thought I knew what I was getting into. But the reality of it is so much different and I don't think I'm very good at it. I'm going to totally f* him up at this rate.

I'm going to give you a hand hold and some encouragement until more wise posters are awake.

Well done for recognising you are finding it hard and coming here for some venting and advice.

When did DS move in with you?

You can absolutely do this. Nobody can be a perfect parent 100% of the time. Give yourself a break. Parenting is hard, and adoptive parenting can be very hard. Take the days half an hour at a time. It does get easier, promise.

Thanks both. He moved in a year ago, 11 months old.Now he's getting to the willful toddler stage I'm seriously struggling. He's also strong and keeps hitting me. I can't get him to nap any more either, I'm sure he needs it but he won't go down.

Oh that's a tough age - I think the frustration of knowing what you want to say, but not being able to communicate it yet, can lead to what can feel like never-ending outbursts. I'm sure the current situation doesn't help, with you not being able to get a break or the normal social interactions for both of you. Are you managing to get outside as much as you'd like? Both my kids are so much happier outdoors, even if all the waterproofs and hats makes it all feel like a big effort just now. I'd also recommend theraplay activities for both of you. And there's never a bad time of day for a bath!

Are you in contact with a post adoption social worker or his social worker. If adopted from a different local authority they have responsibility for three years. All adopted children have had a difficult past, his behaviour is not your fault.

Are you a single carer?
To be honest this year has pushed many people to the brink as we are unable to do the things that make life fun and it has largely become endless grind and horrible isolation.
You are dealing with all that on top of trying to learn to parent your little one. It is v hard and you are going to cock it up some days. We all do believe me.
So deep breath and try to relax. The terrible twos are grim but will pass so pick your battles. Try to wear them out as much as possible and put realistic expectations in place for you both. Be consistent and dont give up. This is a marathon not a sprint.
Look after yourself as well so even if it is vegetating in front of the tv with nice food that is fine. Take any support you.can via phone etc . Engaging with other adults really helps.
It won't always be like this . So chin up and press on. We are here to listen any time you need it and we have all felt like you at times . X

The reality is very different, for all of us, while we might understand the theories, or know the needs of the child you really don’t know what that will be like on a day to day basis.

Children need parents who are good enough, not perfect, aim for a better day tomorrow. You’re going to have times you shout, or blame, or get frustrated - it’s very human. Children need rupture and repair in relationships, we all do - it’s what tells us relationships are safe and secure. You won’t remember PACE all the time, you just won’t, just make sure you touch base with him and fix the relationship each time something goes wrong.

He’s starting to realise he can impact the world around him but still has limited communication- he’s going to be wilful. Try keeping choices small eg this or that, now or later, don’t give him choices you wouldn’t be happy with ie if you don’t want to go to the park don’t give that as a choice.

It’s hard but you’re not going to fuck him up - each new age brings new challenges, you’re learning how to do the next phase.

AncientEmo I am so sorry to hear this, how hard for you.

There have been quite a few threads about behaviour on here recently so might be worth reading up a few, started over the last few months, as there is wisdom in there.

I really suggest and second whoever also said it, that post adoption support is needed and is helpful.

Our son came to us at three and is now 10. He had quite a lot of anger issues, being very emotional etc. At about 5 he had a series of sessions called Theraplay, which is a specific kind of play therapy. It was amazingly helpful. I am afraid I am very boring as I mention it on here a lot!

You may need to wait to get it but you want to get on a waiting list for it. You have a budget of money you can spend on therapy for your child or intervention for you child and so I think it is very helpful to find out what options you may be able to get.

Also, please, please make time for yourself. Whether it is a cup of nice tea or a hot bubble bath or walk by yourself. Again, I say this a lot. I think it's so important you refresh yourself.

If you have a partner make sure they are pulling their weight.

Even if you do not have a partner you must have some support. The whole support group thing you must have been covered in your prep and so is now your life support group. They may be people who can look after ds just for a short time so you can recuperate. Or they may be folks who can speak to you by phone or zoom at night when your little on is in bed etc.

You are not going to f him up! Honestly, you are doing your best, and that is great. But you just need some support for him and for you, IMHO.

Sorry, I said you must and I realize you may not have covered support in prep. Also you may not have a support group, but it is not too late to build support.

Think of time for yourself as an investment in your own mental health and your child’s health. For this reason I do think that the TV/videos/suitable games etc can be very helpful as it can give you a little time. I used to be quite ‘prudish’ about TV programmes or games for the very young! But actually, sometimes, it is worth it to allow them some screen time to allow you time to relax a little.

Thank you for all your great advice. I've emailed post adoption support about theraplay. Today has been going better as I've tried to be more chilled out. @italiangreyhound I was also prudish about TV but Grace from Amazing Machines is pretty much his other mother at this point 😂

My partner is great but at work all week and sometimes overnight. Then when she's home on Saturday I get the morning to myself but usually end up wasting it on twitter or just crying lol. New year's resolution is to get out of the house by myself. I did go for a walk yesterday which was nice.

Our support network has been great and done what they can but haven't been able to do much since March. All parents are keyworkers or vulnerable/caring for vulnerable relatives. Eg my mum said she'd do a childcare bubble with us but she also is in a bubble with my nan who I don't want to put at risk. It's really tough! Friends have been great but likewise difficult to see them atm (lots of park visits though!)

I think this year has been so stressful and I haven't enjoyed him much because I'm always worrying about everything else.

Oh I do love a bubble bath but I have to run it very slowly and quietly when he's sleeping 😅

@Jellycatspyjamas love what you said about being good enough ❤️

I think this year has been particularly demanding for new parents, you won’t have had groups or the activities that would help you build a group of mums to chat to - who would help or give you assurance that they find it hard too. Every part of your life has changed in ways you couldn’t have foreseen and you’re adjusting to that while parenting a new little person.

Really be kind to yourself, don’t give yourself a hard time, and it’s not a waste to have a cry - it’s a good emotional release when you’re feeling under pressure. If you’re constantly tearful you might need more support but 3 years in I’ll still have a good cry every now and again.

"All parents are keyworkers or vulnerable/caring for vulnerable relatives. Eg my mum said she'd do a childcare bubble with us but she also is in a bubble with my nan who I don't want to put at risk. It's really tough!"

Sorry OP when talking about support I did temporarily forget the whole Covid bubble stuff.

Jelly's right, this year has been so hard, you've done amazingly well to get through it. It's really tough.

For the sleep, have you considered a weighted blanket? I don't know if they're ok under one, but we love ours, even me!