Any bio Mums adopting a sibling?

[Hameggnchips]

Hi, I'm new here. I have a biological son who is about to turn 5. He took 10 years of trying, 3 rounds of IVF and a miscarriage to conceive. The pregnancy was horrendous, the birth was horrendous and I don't want to go through it again.

We have always wanted a second child and we are thinking about adopting but we have SO many questions.....

My biggest fear is that we won't love the adopted child as much as our biological child. Also how will my son cope with it all? He's desperate for a sibling but how will he feel if the child has extra needs and needs my time and attention more? Will he see me as HIS Mummy?

I'm aware that many adopted children can have learning difficulties, attachment issues etc but what about more difficult needs? How can you be prepared without knowing the birth family history? How do we know what we would be able to cope with? I have a friend who has a biological child with severe autism and adhd and she struggles to cope, I see the daily struggles she has.

Should I just be happy that we are so lucky to have a child and just be content or do we try and make a difference and in the process realise our dream of becoming a family of four?

I hope I don't come across as negative here I just want to get as much information as possible before deciding if this is the right path for us as a family and for any future child of course. My son is my main concern, I don't want him to feel upset.

I would love to hear your adoption stories both positive and negative and listen to any advice.

I'm a childminder currently so would be able to stay home. We are healthy, financially ok and we have a spare bedroom.

Thank you in advance.

Hi, I have two already and nearly at panel to adopt our third. it is a whirlwind of questions all the time even now so Im no help but can say adoption UK are Amazing, if you have a look at their website - they have done a webinar on adopting with birth children already (their CEO did that) which was helpful and their regular prospective adopters zoom meet up is brilliant - I think you dont even need to be a member to join in that, its just really helpful. There are many books that help too but it is just such a personal individual thing that only you will know.

I can try to say my own perspective to your specific questions -
1-I absolutely knew I can love another child as a biological one, no reason why not - I love my husband of course and hes no blood relation! I worked in an orphanage in Africa before applying to adopt and there were a few of those children I could really see myself loving for life if given the chance. So that wasnt a worry for me. I dont expect it to be instant but that love will grow as it does.
2 - all younger siblings take time away from the eldest so theres always a sharing of time, but love isnt limited so just grows. I felt awful with things when my second arrived that was taking time from my first (like bedtimes!), but that is just the way of families and now they are just so fab together it was worth it. i think kids are so accepting and mine just totally understand adoption and how its just another way to make a family ( babies in tummies make no sense either!). Theres loads of good kids books, shows etc around to normalise adoption for them (Matlilta, Doc Mcsuffins, etc. My eldest tells me Frodo was adopted even)
3- I think tbh this is the more serious question to think about and I still havent answered it as whatever the match the child will have experienced trauma and that will be hard and there are unknowns. We have decided it will be worth it but will be as totally prepared as possible and will find out all info we can before hand. I will also be expecting a good post support plan. I think it seems pretty safe to expect significant needs and to expect parenting plus?
Theres some really great resources out there, have you seen aimee vlog on youtube? I totally love Adoption UK, its so full of helpful resources and really nice.
Good luck!

We had a birth DD aged 7 and had tried for many years to give her a sibling, and ourselves another child (using first IUI, and then IVF with donor eggs).

Nothing worked and so we decided to stop and to pursue adoption. I’d wanted to adopt since my twenties (I was now forty something). Due to the IVF we had to wait six months before we applied.

The whole process took just under two years.

DS was three, almost four when he came to us.

DS had a difficult start to life due to neglect. In many ways he has made amazing progress and achievements. He is able to do so much. He is now 10 and has been with us for over six years.

Over the years we have accessed support for DS, both when he first came and later too- our local council was brilliant.

DS has bonded very well with us, and attached well, I think. He does well at school, is very good at reading. He is also still very emotional and the support is ongoing.

DD has always had quite a mixed relationship with DS. Quite jealous at times and she now seems to find him quite annoying. Ds quite likes having an older sister and tries sometimes to spend time with her. Sometimes it works well, often it does not!

DS is now 10. DD is now 16. DD has many issues both mental and physical health issues and is on the autistic spectrum.

All in all it has not been an easy journey but I love them both and would not be without either of them.

Ask me anything if you wish to, just tag me in.

Hi. I have a birth son aged 6 and an adoption son aged 3. I love them both the same. It took longer to bond with my adopted son, love grew over time. Initially my birth son was jealous. To go from an only child and having all the attention to having to share my attention was difficult. On numerous occasions he said he wanted to send the baby back. Now they have bonded. They fight but they play together too. The six year old is very protective of his little brother and the three year old says his big brother is his best friend. My adopted son does have some difficulties due to his start in life. It hasn't always been easy but I can't imagine my family without him. The discussion of what you can and can't cope with is addressed in the assessment process. It's important to get the right match. No one wants a placement to breakdown. However there is always an element of uncertainty with the difficulties a child will face.

Watching for interest. We have a bio DD aged 6 months, and I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with our second DC. Adoption has always been something we wanted to do and intend to add to our family in about 4/5 years once our DC are old enough to understand (obviously they won't understand EVERYTHING about adoption but they'll be old enough to explain most of it too) but still young enough to adapt to the changes.

Good luck to everyone going through the process!

We adopt a little boy in the next couple of weeks so I can't share experience about that yet but I/we also decides against IVF because of miscarriage etc. I had friends who didn't understand that, some said we should carry on trying IVF till someone else said to stop and that it just wasn't the same. The truth is, I don't think it is the same and in that sense she was right. But where she was wrong is that she doesn't think you can love an adopted child as much as you can a child you have given birth to. That's not true. We're full of love to give and I just think it's different. I'm sure there is a bond with a birth child that grows from deep in the womb and that hasn't been able to be our experience, but I also know we have been fighting for our LO before we've even met him and although we still have a bond to develop I am already fiercely protective of him. I've worked with children in the past who I would move heaven and earth even now to help if I could, that just thinking about them is like a punch in the stomach.
The bottom line is, I think it is different but that doesnt make one less than the other.

We have a DS1 whose a BC aged 5 and a DS2 whose an AC and 17 months. DS2 has been with us 7 months. DS1 was 4 when he came.

Going into the adoption I did know that I could love a non biological child like I did my BC. It wasn't something I ever really questioned but I think what's important us that I was prepared for it not to feel the same and it doesn't. My love for DS2 is there and grows every day. If I can describe it- I would die for DS2 but I would kill for DS1. I've had longer to bond with DS1 and he's got more of a personality because he's older so we have genuine fun together more. I struggle with the baby stage so DS1 is still hard work and that affects me. I also know that I felt exactly the same with DS1 and didn't love him like I do now for a long time.

The idea of instant unconditional love with a BC is a dangerous myth. Some people do feel it, but more like love grows. Just because it grows over time doesn't mean it won't end up into fierce, unconditional love.

We've been really lucky with our DS1. He's an amazing big brother. Every morning he'll get us up and then go ask to play with DS2. He'll play with him during the day and always tries to make him laugh. (DS2 has the best laugh in the history of the world. It's infectious). I'm conscious they're both still young and it's early days.

My OH had a toxic relationship with his brother growing up and they're birth siblings. I think any child will need support going from being the sole and receiving all the attention. I'm not convinced adoption comes into play.

We prepared our DS1 a lot. We talked to him about adoption and being a big brother for over a year before we found a match. I would encourage you to find ways to engage with them and talk about adoption. Our DS1 is easier because he loves books so we got loads if books. If he liked role play I might have got a doll and role played being a brother.

The biggest shock for me, and I still struggle with it now, is that DS1 doesn't get my undivided attention. That broke me at the start of our placement. I feel complete and utter mummy guilt but it is getting better. The fact that DS2 naps has helped me to move forward in this. This is my DS1 time rather than housework time. My housework standards have slipped dramatically. I also have an amazing OH and we tag team a lot. Family time all together is limited to meals and just after meals because of the difference in interests and abilities between the boys. This is a shame but not the end of the work and will get better as they get older.

Final point: an adopted child's needs. This has been my biggest struggle. I've posted on this on this board. Our DS2 was said to be meeting all milestones. Within a week of being here it was clear he was significantly behind and I came close to disrupting. We were clear from the outset of our journey that we couldn't cope with a child with significant learning needs. Everyone asked me to wait and see in case it was just settling in. Our last assessment showed he is about 9 months behind where he should be. At his age I think that's significant. He's really big for his age too. So I have a 17 month old LB whose the size and strength of a 2 year old but with the understanding of a 8 month old. Every day I get better at accepting this but I have found this hard. You need to be able to have very frank conversations with your partner and SW about what you can cope with. Our SW took us through a list of disabilities/conditions and we researched each one to understand what it meant. As PP have said, there is an element of accepting the unknown in adoption. But you should also make sure that you have clear medical history from BPs and also and an adoption medical for any child. Get yourself to a point where you're comfortable with what you don't know.

We are still very early in. Who knows what the future holds for DS2s development, or their siblings relationship, but I'm feeling hopeful and positive.

@Italiangreyhound

We had a birth DD aged 7 and had tried for many years to give her a sibling, and ourselves another child (using first IUI, and then IVF with donor eggs).

Nothing worked and so we decided to stop and to pursue adoption. I’d wanted to adopt since my twenties (I was now forty something). Due to the IVF we had to wait six months before we applied.

The whole process took just under two years.

DS was three, almost four when he came to us.

DS had a difficult start to life due to neglect. In many ways he has made amazing progress and achievements. He is able to do so much. He is now 10 and has been with us for over six years.

Over the years we have accessed support for DS, both when he first came and later too- our local council was brilliant.

DS has bonded very well with us, and attached well, I think. He does well at school, is very good at reading. He is also still very emotional and the support is ongoing.

DD has always had quite a mixed relationship with DS. Quite jealous at times and she now seems to find him quite annoying. Ds quite likes having an older sister and tries sometimes to spend time with her. Sometimes it works well, often it does not!

DS is now 10. DD is now 16. DD has many issues both mental and physical health issues and is on the autistic spectrum.

All in all it has not been an easy journey but I love them both and would not be without either of them.

Ask me anything if you wish to, just tag me in.

Thank you for your reply, this is helpful. I guess the main thing I fear is my BC resenting their adopted sibling because of their additional needs and what impact they may have on our family. Obviously if we're lucky enough to have a child join our family then there's no going back so I have to get it right for everyone.

@Maggie178

Hi. I have a birth son aged 6 and an adoption son aged 3. I love them both the same. It took longer to bond with my adopted son, love grew over time. Initially my birth son was jealous. To go from an only child and having all the attention to having to share my attention was difficult. On numerous occasions he said he wanted to send the baby back. Now they have bonded. They fight but they play together too. The six year old is very protective of his little brother and the three year old says his big brother is his best friend. My adopted son does have some difficulties due to his start in life. It hasn't always been easy but I can't imagine my family without him. The discussion of what you can and can't cope with is addressed in the assessment process. It's important to get the right match. No one wants a placement to breakdown. However there is always an element of uncertainty with the difficulties a child will face.

Thank you for your reply. Can I just ask what age your BC was when the adoption was finalised?

@Crechendo

We have a DS1 whose a BC aged 5 and a DS2 whose an AC and 17 months. DS2 has been with us 7 months. DS1 was 4 when he came.

Going into the adoption I did know that I could love a non biological child like I did my BC. It wasn't something I ever really questioned but I think what's important us that I was prepared for it not to feel the same and it doesn't. My love for DS2 is there and grows every day. If I can describe it- I would die for DS2 but I would kill for DS1. I've had longer to bond with DS1 and he's got more of a personality because he's older so we have genuine fun together more. I struggle with the baby stage so DS1 is still hard work and that affects me. I also know that I felt exactly the same with DS1 and didn't love him like I do now for a long time.

The idea of instant unconditional love with a BC is a dangerous myth. Some people do feel it, but more like love grows. Just because it grows over time doesn't mean it won't end up into fierce, unconditional love.

We've been really lucky with our DS1. He's an amazing big brother. Every morning he'll get us up and then go ask to play with DS2. He'll play with him during the day and always tries to make him laugh. (DS2 has the best laugh in the history of the world. It's infectious). I'm conscious they're both still young and it's early days.

My OH had a toxic relationship with his brother growing up and they're birth siblings. I think any child will need support going from being the sole and receiving all the attention. I'm not convinced adoption comes into play.

We prepared our DS1 a lot. We talked to him about adoption and being a big brother for over a year before we found a match. I would encourage you to find ways to engage with them and talk about adoption. Our DS1 is easier because he loves books so we got loads if books. If he liked role play I might have got a doll and role played being a brother.

The biggest shock for me, and I still struggle with it now, is that DS1 doesn't get my undivided attention. That broke me at the start of our placement. I feel complete and utter mummy guilt but it is getting better. The fact that DS2 naps has helped me to move forward in this. This is my DS1 time rather than housework time. My housework standards have slipped dramatically. I also have an amazing OH and we tag team a lot. Family time all together is limited to meals and just after meals because of the difference in interests and abilities between the boys. This is a shame but not the end of the work and will get better as they get older.

Final point: an adopted child's needs. This has been my biggest struggle. I've posted on this on this board. Our DS2 was said to be meeting all milestones. Within a week of being here it was clear he was significantly behind and I came close to disrupting. We were clear from the outset of our journey that we couldn't cope with a child with significant learning needs. Everyone asked me to wait and see in case it was just settling in. Our last assessment showed he is about 9 months behind where he should be. At his age I think that's significant. He's really big for his age too. So I have a 17 month old LB whose the size and strength of a 2 year old but with the understanding of a 8 month old. Every day I get better at accepting this but I have found this hard. You need to be able to have very frank conversations with your partner and SW about what you can cope with. Our SW took us through a list of disabilities/conditions and we researched each one to understand what it meant. As PP have said, there is an element of accepting the unknown in adoption. But you should also make sure that you have clear medical history from BPs and also and an adoption medical for any child. Get yourself to a point where you're comfortable with what you don't know.

We are still very early in. Who knows what the future holds for DS2s development, or their siblings relationship, but I'm feeling hopeful and positive.

Thank you for your reply, it's lovely to hear about your children's sibling relationship.

My children, birth and adopted, are normal siblings. There are tensions, as the birth child has family the adopted children don't share, and the adopted children have some contact with birth family, but that's the way we roll. The additional needs of adoption DO impact on my birth child, without a doubt, but they also teach DC empathy, understanding, etc. Overall, I feel the benefits outweigh the negatives.

They love each other deeply, possibly more than I love some of my bio siblings! I think it helps that BC was very settled and secure, wanted a sibling, and settled in school etc. Matching is very important, and in some ways maybe easier than a birth child, where there's no 'choice' at all, and they could also have additional needs.

My BC was almost 3 and AC was ten days old when placement started. I did Foster to adopt hence the young age of AC at the start of placement.
BC was four and AC was one when adoption order was granted.

@Maggie178

My BC was almost 3 and AC was ten days old when placement started. I did Foster to adopt hence the young age of AC at the start of placement. BC was four and AC was one when adoption order was granted.

And how's it going Maggie? How long ago was this?

Three years AC has been part of our family. As he was placed so young we had no idea how his development go. He had significant drug exposure and had neonatal abstaince syndrome at birth. The major advantage is he's never experienced any abuse or neglect and never had any moves from family to family. He is hitting all his milestones and has a secure attachment. That doesn't mean everything is always rosy. His behaviour can be challenging at times and we have had a referral to the community peadiatrician. However the good times definately out weigh the bad. The boys are close. Especially with the restrictions due the pandemic, they play together all the time.

I am going to put my hands up and say in all honesty the love I feel for my birth children and the love I feel for my adopted children is not the same. I am not proud to admit that but on a forum where nobody knows me I may as well be honest.
I love them all and would fight tooth and nail for all of them (and do). It could well be because I was a foster carer for many years before adoption and was well trained in holding a piece back for self preservation knowing I was going to have to let go. That may well have had some kind of impact on my own attachment style or it simply could be how I always would have been. What I do know is that I will always do my best for all of them and I am learning to stop beating myself up about things I can’t control.

Cheesecakeandwine thank you for being honest about your feelings.

For me I would say I do love both my children (one adopted and one birth child) equally, but also maybe differently. Also as one is a girl and one a boy, one a teen and one (I guess) now a pre-teen and they have quite different personalities, it feels quite understandable that the relationship is different with both.

cheesecakeandwine Thank you for your honesty, and that's why I can only say that for me the love is the same. I think you're right that foster care is only possible if you keep a little bit of yourself back.

I don't think the fact you love your children differently is a flaw at all- if anything, it makes you stronger than the likes of me. I'd have quit a long time ago if I didn't have that 'my own child' love. You must have resilience in spades, to keep going. You are very wise to not beat yourself up about things you can't control, and should be proud for doing your best for your children. Please, please, feel no shame for what you experience. It's not my experience, but it is valid, and choosing to go on parenting to the best of your ability, well that is true love, in the 'love as a verb' sense.

Can I ask, those of you that have already adopted following bio children, did you face resistance from family in regards to adopting?
DH and I are currently expecting our second bio child, our original plan was always to have 1 bio & 1 adopted but after DD was born (June 2020) we decided that we wanted to adopt a 4/5 year old and with the 2 year age gap needed, our DD would be 6/7 before getting a sibling and felt this might be hard for her to accept after having mummy and daddy to herself for so long. So we decided to go ahead and have another straight away so that they can grow up very close together and that they will be used to sharing things and time (more than an only child would).
Our families have always known our plans to adopt and were (we thought) supportive of that. When we've told them we are expecting our second the response from 8 out of 10 close family (our parents, siblings etc) was along the lines of 'oh good you decided not to adopt!' And didn't seem impressed when we corrected them and said that we were but not for a few years. 😔 DH and I are excited about it but I can't help feeling that with their attitudes towards adoption the child is going to feel unloved and very separate. 😢