Accepting issues you would have discounted at matching

[Crechendo]

Our little boy has been with us for 7 months now. It has become apparent that he will have medium to significant learning needs. We're just at the start of our journey to understand exactly why or by how much.

He is about 9 months behind his actual age across the board, except his gross motor skills. He's behind in this too but not such a great extent.

If you'd have asked me pre placement is this the right child for you I would have said no. We were clear right through the process that we didn't feel able to support a child with significant learning disabilities.

He was meant to be meeting all milestones with no concerns and for whatever reason (which is another post entirely) the developmental concerns weren't picked up.

I know that adopting a child is still very much an unknown journey. And it's a case of "no matter what". part of me is not shocked this has happened.

I love him very much. He's my son. I do feel this. But there's a part of me that thinks "is this right or am I the wrong parent for him?" Going back to the start of the process, there was a reason why I said I couldn't cope. I'm still not convinced I can. Our adoption order isn't through yet which I probably why I am dwelling on it.

I guess I'm asking for stories from others where they found themselves with a child that they wouldn't have considered if everything was known at matching or any advice.

Thank you

ETA: he's 17 months old. So 9 months is more than half his age.

I think 12 months is very early to know whether a child is going to have significant developmental delays because there’s so much variation in when children actually meet their milestones. There’s a huge amount of uncertainty with younger children, which you know.

In terms of how significant his needs are, I imagine that will emerge over time - are there particular things that make you believe his learning difficulties will be significant ongoing, as opposed to seeing regression following placement, which is very common.

My DD has more significant needs than I anticipated at placement. She has the catch all global developmental delay, but as time has gone on the nature of her delay is very complex, coupled with learning difficulties compounded with physical health issues which may or may not impact on her learning and development. It’s hard, harder than I anticipated particularly because support for additional needs is so bloody awful where I am. We also have concerns about whether she’ll be able to live independently which we didn’t plan for.

In saying all of that, I love her, she’s mine and actually isn’t difficult to parent day by day. I’ve had to rethink my working life and things can be a bit unpredictable at times, but life with her is good.

Sorry I meant to say I see he’s now 17 months, but 10 months/a year (age at placement) is very early for needs to show themselves.

I think what you have to bear in mind is that even if you had a birth child they may have been delayed developmentally and you would never have considered whether you were the right parent for them or not. You would probably have just got on with parenting them and loving them. Do the same with this child. Accept any support that is offered and love unconditionally. No one ever knows what the future holds.

My DS came home at 18 months and was functioning more like at 9 month old at that point. He couldn't walk, bum-shuffle, crawl or pull himself up and his speech was just babbling. He is now 7 and I would say functions more like a 5 year old. It hasn't always been easy and I have fought hard to get my boy the support he needs but I am so proud of him. Seeing him acquire skills has been a joy.
I adopted again 8 months ago and DD is now almost 17 months. There were no developmental issues flagged up for her but when I met her I realised that her gross motor skills were delayed. The Health Visitor has now advised me to contact the GP as she is not walking yet. I think adopting a baby you do have to accept a huge amount of uncertainty and similarly to having a birth child there are no guarantees. Before the adoption order is granted I would be pushing to get more post adoption support put in place.

I agree it's very early to say. My DS went from 'delayed' as a baby to at least a year behind in his speech at age 3, and yes I did worry. Now at school and he is more or less average across the board, certainly no cause for concern. Where have you got the idea that he is so far behind and destined to have medium to significant learning needs?

We were referred to Portage by the health visitor. They completed an assessment with him today and let us know. It's not just 9 months in one thing. It's across 7 different developmental areas so that's quite significant.

To be fair, I could be jumping to worse case scenario and he could be fine and it could be regression. I guess I'm thinking worse case to try to work through what that means in my mind for him and our family.

Thank you for advice on the post adoption support. I'll speak to our social worker about what support can be available.

My son has been home for seven months too. It’s flown by hasn’t it?

Have you had the adoption order granted? If not I’d hold off and get a written support plan from the LA in place before you do - I was going to do this with my son for his emotional/attachment issues but time helped with those hugely and my ASF £ and support came through so didn’t need to do this (I’m blessed with a very very slow/busy social worker and in this instance the funding for my son’s treatment came through and started before she started the AO forms.

If the AO has been granted absolutely get onto post adoption support to see what they can help you with - your son is still so young, but hopefully they can help with something.

@mahrezzy thank you for the advice. What would a written support plan involve? I've not come across these.

Also can anyone give advice on what support we should be requesting?

No, the adoption order hasn't been granted yet.

It’s going to be difficult to put a clear support plan in place because your little one is so young. He’s too young really for formal assessment and it’s not unusual for there to be delays right across the board. Did Portage make any recommendations in terms of support or therapies for him - that’s what I’d look to be written into any plan.

What Jellycat says. For my son I got funding for an assessment and funding for therapies based on what the assessment finds and the psychologist recommends. Of course, your situation is different but I’d suggest talking to your social worker about what you know about his development and if the LA / ASF can fund some sort of therapies for him to help him. They may not be able to help - many children have delays, and it’s something we’re all told about as part of the process - but if you can put together a case as to why you need that level of support from them for your son, it could help.

What I also mean to say is that I’ve told my social worker that based on the assessment I’ll still be wanting a support plan if the assessment recommends it, regardless of if the AO has been granted or not.

Our son came home last September at two and a half and has many more needs than we ever anticipated. We always said we would be unwilling to consider an aggressive child and sadly that is what we have ended up with. We have had a lot of child to parent violence and other behavioural issues to contend with from day one (was never seen in foster care) but it is gradually getting better over time. We held off putting in for the adoption order for a long time (9months) as we had the same concerns as you - were we really the right parents for him and could we meet his needs? I'd be lying if I said we didn't have doubts but ultimately he is my Son and my love for him is unconditional. But it did take me a long time to be sure we were the parents that he needed.

He also has global developmental delay (medical professionals think possible genetic disorder but haven't been able to diagnose anything) but actually, these needs have been totally manageable as he has progressed so much and we always knew about this and thought this was something we could handle.

Adoption is full of so many unknowns and risks. Had I been shown my son's profile and knowing what I know now, would I have proceeded? Probably not. But he's here now, I love him dearly and I can't imagine anyone else being his mum.

My son came home at 3.5, we were convinced there were multiple issues, he’d displayed quite worrying behaviour in FC. There was even a question over whether he and his sib should stay together (they did stay together). At panel we got a unanimous yes, but they admitted that before they’d met us they questioned whether we were experienced enough to take them both given my sons needs.

Two and a half years in and he is flying, he amazes me, he is well behaved, learning constantly and has the kindest heart. At school, he is just where he should be...and that just blows me away - how can he be?? He got a brand new family only 2.5 years ago! I’m not trying to minimise at all, and you do need to line up all the support you think you may need and before the AO. I guess I’m just trying to give some reassurance that it doesn’t always turn into worse case scenario. Caveat - we are only 2.5 years in, so I do not take this status quo for granted...but I am proud at how far he has come in such a short space of time,