Asking questions without offending social worker (matching)

[Kqeezy]

Right after approval we got a new social worker for our family finding and matching. We have only spoken to her virtually and only twice since approval. We are due another catch up.

Since approval we have been sent two profiles.

I am a very methodical person and like to know about mechanics and decision making and I feel very out of the loop and off balance currently. We haven't built a relationship with this social worker yet and I don't know how she works, nor her me.

I want to know what made her show us these profiles, her rationale for it, how many others she has considered, why she ruled them out, if anyone has shown any interest us, why they've ruled us out, why she thinks there hasn't been interest, what she thinks of the profiles, what she thinks of our expectations.

I 100% trust that she is doing a stellar job and can tell from her manner she is excellent at her job. I don't want her thinking this is me trying to nit pick or demean her because it isn't - i just want to know more about where I stand and her thoughts and managing my expectations etc.

Would you be offended by these questions? Did you ask similar ones? I really feel like without the hard questions like these we will continue on a sort of 'disconnect' but i don't want to ask and offend her.

Basically just looking for reassurance or advice.

I'm in a similar situation, just been allocated new social worker since my old one retired. Haven't met her or even seen her online. Just spoke to her, but she seems lovely, enthusiastic and keen with the matches she's proposing. I don't think their unreasonable questions it's just the situation of being given a new social worker when you feel you have built up a rapport with someone different. I've welcomed my new one as I didn't feel the rapport with my old one was actually that great if I'm honest.

Kqeezy it's a lot of questions. I would work on those questions and whittle them down to the most key items first.

For example...

'I want to know what made her show us these profiles, her rationale for it' - that sounds very reasonable and would be a good thing to ask.

'how many others she has considered' - it may be appropriate to ask if she has shown this profile to others at the same time as you.

'why she ruled them out' I am not sure she would tell you why other adopters were ruled out for a child, even anonymously. She might be much more likely to tell you why she feels you are a good match for a child.

'if anyone has shown any interest us' this does seem like a totally reasonable question, but if it is early days then the answer might be no, simply because it is early in the process.

'why they've ruled us out, why she thinks there hasn't been interest' this does sound reasonable but I'd be led by her a bit, if no one has yet shown interest in you then it may be difficult for her to say why yet.

'what she thinks of the profiles, what she thinks of our expectations.' These sound very reasonable but I'd also just think how you will ask these questions. EG If you ask one question, her reply may lead you automatically into a new question, which would show you are processing and taking on board what she has said.

If you say a lot of questions that seem unrelated at first then that may be harder to form a conversation. She needs to get to know you and what kind of child you may be good at parenting. The fact some other social workers have not yet responded to your profile might be for loads of reasons, and she may not know them anyway.

I think it is really good to talk and ask questions, show her you are engaging with the process and want to learn etc.

Good luck.

If you've only been recently approved then presumably she is showing you in house profiles only, which may be quite a small pool. If you have been shown two profiles already then it sounds like you are off to a good start. You no doubt have some matching criteria of what you would and wouldn't consider in terms of age, additional needs etc, so she should be using this. However it is a process of finding parents for children and not the other way around. Perhaps you're interested in knowing about the children that you haven't been considered for. Well there may be stronger matches in the pool of adopters, which the SW shouldn't have to justify to you, but one of the main reasons otherwise suitable adopters aren't considered for a child is because birth parents or their extended family live too close to you. Apart from this being very sensitive information, it wouldn't be the best use of your time or hers for her to have to go through all this with you.

I think it would be fair to ask her in very general terms how she is approaching matching and revisit your criteria with her, but in terms of her having to justify her decisions on the wider pool of children or adopters I think you have to respect their confidentiality and allow her to do her job with this.

I think it would be fair to ask her in very general terms how she is approaching matching and revisit your criteria with her, but in terms of her having to justify her decisions on the wider pool of children or adopters I think you have to respect their confidentiality and allow her to do her job with this.

This is reasonable.

Generally though it will come down to matching criteria, yours and the child's. You say you want a child under 4, you won't be shown one who is 5. They want a sporty family for child, you are more musical. etc.
Then also you might 'match' but others might match 'better'.

Our SW used to turn down children on our behalf and then tell us about them later. e.g. I was approached about a child but I said no because they had this .... and you had said ....

I am wondering how long you have been approved and how frequent the contact is between you? Would it help you feel more relaxed if you had a regular check-in frequency, e.g. every 4 or 6 weeks?

Thanks for the replies.
We were approved in August.
We're approved up to age 5 and have a pretty wide matching criteria.

I think it has just come as a bit of a shock to the system as before approval our old SW had told us she'd had people asking about us so I think we had maybe built up our expectations a bit and assumed it'd be plain sailing.

I think we sound very similar as I am also a bit like this - so many questions! =D We were approved in October and like you, have a new social worker for this part of the process and have seen two profiles!
I'd say just stay calm, trust the process and whittle down your questions to the most important few. I've made a list of my most niggling two or three to ask during my next catch up; maybe you could do the same? Our social worker has told us that honesty and transparency are the most important things during the time.

Good luck. I know it's an unsettling time but it'll all fall into place when it's meant to.

I am a retired SW and sit on adoption panels. My opinion os that it is totally fine to ask these sorts of questions but maybe not all at once! Start by asking how they go about selecting profiles and go from there. I am sure she will be happy to go over that with you. There will be loads of things to consider: geographical location, ethnicity, religion, whether you have birth children or pets, whether you can take one child or siblings, what you have said you would accept in terms of matching criteria (the tick box bit on the form), whether you are happy to keep in contact with members of the birth family or not etc. Try to remember it will all be centred around the children and their needs rather than you. I am sure you are wonderful but right at the moment not exactly what they need for their current children in need of permanent families. You will be matched once the right child for you comes along.

Out of curiosity are you going through your LA or an agency?

I think it has just come as a bit of a shock to the system as before approval our old SW had told us she'd had people asking about us so I think we had maybe built up our expectations a bit and assumed it'd be plain sailing.

People will always ask about adopters who are approaching approval - they want to know the folk who may be available as potential adopters. It may be that they don’t have children to place, or that the children they were thinking about don’t meet your matching criteria, or you don’t match the needs of the children, or that the children they had in mind haven’t gone through permanence planning yet. There are lots of reasons why you might be “asked about” and hear nothing further.

The matching process is far from straightforward, I found it by far the most challenging part of the whole thing. It’s fine to ask but I’m wondering if you’re looking at the two profiles thinking “is this it”? You won’t usually be given lots of information about lots of children because it tends to muddy the waters, and may lead to you stretching your matching criteria inappropriately.

Ask your SW about the profiles you have, why they gave them to you particularly and how she sees them matching your criteria, but also think through yourself whether there are red flags for you. If you’re not sure you can get more information or say you don’t think they’re right and move on.