Social worker mind games - is this normal?

[cherrypie111]

Apologies first post but I'm desperate for some advice. Currently in stage 2.

Mine and my husbands journey through adoption so far has been less than ideal. Out first social worker was terrible so we had to change between stage one and 2. Currently still in stage 2 and our social worker is good but very cold. Due to this our sessions (online) have been rigid but that's what we thought they would/should be like.

During our 'last' session we were thrown a curveball by our social worker saying she is struggling as she doesn't think I am 'fun' I pushed back and said to be honest none of the sessions have really felt appropriate to be 'fun' in. She then turned around and said I obviously struggle to take feedback!!!

After this she then said she needed further conversations with our referees about my 'temperament' and to verify whether I am indeed 'fun'. She called my mum who of course said I was great and fun.

During this call however she also told my mum that she was going to test me to see how I handle change and feedback. She also told my mum to keep this secret which I find really odd.

A few days later we were told we needed more sessions however she wasn't able to book these in till the new year, as she was being temporarily moved to a new team for 4 weeks! This also meant our panel date was going to be cancelled.

Of course we understood things change and wished her well in her temp new role.

Now to the mind games.

I have now found out this was our test! This lady thought it was acceptable to pretend to go into another team, cancel our panel date and put us back a month just to test us!

Is this normal, as I'm getting really tired and fed up of continually being worried I'm being tested for something

[Weekends]

I would say no that's not normal in my experience!

Sounds terrible from the person you really need to trust at the moment.

Are you 100% sure it was a test? If so I would complain, though I realise you might not want to at this stage.

[Kw1311]

Morning we had the same kind of thing with our SW, she said she felt our house was to clean, tidy and organised and that I would get stressed with things out of place.i Like things a certain way at the minute and never lied about that but I want to be a mummy more than having a clean house lol when it’s just 2 eats easy to stay nice.. So she kept testing us with this spilling drinks messing up the bathroom and also we had the same re saying we wouldn’t make panel and our homework wasn’t right just to test our reactions. Don’t worry I think it’s normal. She told my husband he was to much of a joker and that he needed to be able to be sensible!!! Don’t worry I’m sure your doing great x

[percypetulant]

Not normal, no. But not uncommon. It's exhausting. Good luck.

[percypetulant]

And whatever you do, don't complain!

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

[cherrypie111]

@Weekends

I would say no that's not normal in my experience!

Sounds terrible from the person you really need to trust at the moment.

Are you 100% sure it was a test? If so I would complain, though I realise you might not want to at this stage.

This is our biggest issue at the moment, we need to trust her, especially since she feels we aren't fun we need to open up more. But her doing this with the buy in of her manager (as she also backed up this damn story) has made us not want to trust her at all. I'm worried everything I say will be twisted.

She doesn't seem to see the difference between me not accepting being told I'm not fun and me talking feedback generally. Of course I'm going to push back at what is kind of an insult, however if a health visitor came in and said I'm holding a baby wrong of course I would take it. She really doesn't seem to understand context as this isn't the only case of this

[cherrypie111]

@Kw1311

Morning we had the same kind of thing with our SW, she said she felt our house was to clean, tidy and organised and that I would get stressed with things out of place.i Like things a certain way at the minute and never lied about that but I want to be a mummy more than having a clean house lol when it’s just 2 eats easy to stay nice.. So she kept testing us with this spilling drinks messing up the bathroom and also we had the same re saying we wouldn’t make panel and our homework wasn’t right just to test our reactions. Don’t worry I think it’s normal. She told my husband he was to much of a joker and that he needed to be able to be sensible!!! Don’t worry I’m sure your doing great x

Gosh that sounds frustrating, but glad to hear it's not totally abnormal for this kind of testing to be done.

[ApolloandDaphne]

That sounds terrible. I sit on adoption panels and none of the assessing SW's have ever done anything like that. It is supposed to be a fair and transparent process. Your SW is being neither fair nor transparent. Is this a LA or an agency?

[cherrypie111]

@ApolloandDaphne

That sounds terrible. I sit on adoption panels and none of the assessing SW's have ever done anything like that. It is supposed to be a fair and transparent process. Your SW is being neither fair nor transparent. Is this a LA or an agency?

It's a local authority, I'm getting so down with the process and it's hard to not show it at times. They have taken every ounce of joy out of getting our first child and I'm worried how long it's going to go on for, as they won't even let us book in a new panel date yet

[Weekends]

Oh no, that her manager approved it makes it even worse! So unprofessional.

You could always complain formally once the adoption order is finalised if you're worried about it affecting your approval application now. Not fair I know!!

[specialcase]

This is ridiculous! I can’t believe that they are playing ridiculous games with peoples lives.

I thought they wanted people to adopt? Just seems ridiculous. I suppose in their defence it’s much harder to judge people across a zoom call than it is in real life... even so though I’m not really sure it should be a test in this way!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but please do bear with it. It truly is a wonderful thing to do and hopefully you can laugh about it later on in life...

Maybe at your next meeting start off with a list of jokes??

“How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?”

Apologies to any social workers reading this....

[Clarabeau78]

Hi

Sounds very frustrating and really not helpful as it's a difficult enough journey as it is without the extra mind games 😩I disagree with not complaining, I definitely would. Its not acceptable they are there to do a job and fulfill there role and there not doing it. I understand that many will think this will interfere with the panel etc but it should not if policies and procedures are being followed then this should not effect it.
We had 3 social workers on our journey I was honest with all of them and if my personality would not let me be quiet 😂

This is just my opinion, best of luck to you both
X

[Jellycatspyjamas]

That’s appalling practice. Do you know she’s nit been pulled into another team at the moment? I’m a social worker and in the current climate workers are being redeployed all over the place to make sure there’s cover for child protection and adult support and protection over the holidays so it’s wholly possible she’s either been fully redeployed or pulled into duty cover or been told to clear her diary for possible redeployment. I’d check that first before assuming her manager has bought into whatever she’s told you.

In terms of the “testing”, there’s absolutely no excuse, the assessment process isn’t fun- it’s not supposed to be and doing things online makes it much harder to show that side of yourself.

There are many ways to deal with this. You could shut up, jump through the hoops and get through the process. You could have an open conversation with her about what your mum has said and let her explain herself. You could ask for a joint meeting with her and her manager and again lay out what you’ve been told (including if you think she’s lying about being redeployed) and let them explain themselves. You could write (or email) outlining your concerns and for a review. You could formally follow the complaints process and ask the head of service to review.

In your shoes I’d be likely to talk to her about it first and see what her response is, with the clear understanding that if it can’t be resolved I’d be following the complaints process. If you decide to just get on with it, all of those options are open to you once you’re approved.

In terms of the feedback, I’d ask her where she gets the idea that you’re “not fun” and what she feels she hasn’t seen in the course of the process that she would have wanted to. I’m not saying the feedback has any validity but asking her to expand on it might give you better clarity about what she’s saying (and will make her back down pretty quickly if she doesn’t have anything to substantiate it).

The process should be open and transparent - folk sometimes feel played because of something that’s been asked of them (my particular bug bear is asking for volunteering experience), but there are areas they do need to explore. For example an overly orderly home might suggest parents may be stressed by the mess that comes with children but I’d expect an open conversation about that where the adopter can explain their feelings about it and their expectations of what might change having children.

It’s a hard process, folk need to be resilient but sw have a duty to practice in an open way - asking your mum to withhold information from you is unethical at best.

However you decide to move forward, I’d suggest that “They have taken every ounce of joy out of getting our first child” is a fairly extreme reaction. The process is very demanding, with lots of set backs, you need to be able to hold onto to hope of having a child placed with you and the joy (and huge challenges) that will bring. If you can find a measured, clear response to this it will serve you well in dealing with the other difficulties which will come your way as part of the process.

[BFJAdopter]

I would talk to your SW, you will be working with SW for a long time, depending on them to guide you and represent you during linking meetings etc. If it isn't working, now is the time address it. Good luck!

[Ishbam]

I’d say it’s normal!

Play their game, smile, nod and act.

I have yet to meet a SW that is trust worthy, too busy covering their ass.

Don’t fall into the trap of trusting them, they are not your friend.

And once again, smile, nod and act

[Marchbabe]

I’m sorry stage 2 has got you down. The process can be lengthy, make you feel vulnerable and dispirited at times.

I think you are overthinking. The SW is assessing you, so she can write a report including what you are like, your strengths and weaknesses so that going forward she can advocate for you for panel, and so that either her on another SW can match a child/ren to your profile.

It’s normal that she has questions. We had lots of follow up questions from our SW about things she wanted to know more about. For example, she questioned if we were affectionate. So for you she’s struggling to see how you are ‘fun’. Your reply that the sessions weren’t fun is honest and understandable. But your reply doesn’t give the SW the information she needs about how you are fun or what you do for fun, so she calls your mother for more info. SW then sets up a scenario to see how to respond to change. Again, for more information .

Are you sure she has lied? Our SW has changed teams and roles as the LAs are restructuring into RAAs and as others said may be the impact of COVID-19. Plus our SW works part time so takes 3 weeks off at Christmas.

Next step is simple, talk to the SW and give her the information, examples of how you are fun. Write down examples, so she can include in your PAR.

Keep on going, be kind it’s worth it :)

[donquixotedelamancha]

I’d say it’s normal! Play their game, smile, nod and act. I have yet to meet a SW that is trust worthy, too busy covering their ass

I think you are overthinking. The SW is assessing you, so she can write a report including what you are like, your strengths and weaknesses so that going forward she can advocate for you for panel, and so that either her on another SW can match a child/ren to your profile.

I'm stunned by these comments. I've known some bad stories from adopters but no one should think what OP describes is remotely normal or OK.

If you are sure this is what is happening OP I really think you need to speak to the SW. I'd want to understand some very good reasons for this choice before thinking it was remotely reasonable. I'd be very reluctant to do a formal complaint before approval but that might be the only way to get this back on track- try informal first.

Don't just say nothing, what she writes in your PAR is important for matching. Make sure you get a bloody good look at your PAR before panel.

FWIW I was told off for being too light-hearted at some of the silly bureaucracy elements of the process- just be you.

They have taken every ounce of joy out of getting our first child

Nah. The joy is in the parenting, not the hoop jumping. You'd be amazed how the seemingly really difficult bits of this part fade when you are trying to get your kid out of wet knickers without stepping in the fucking puddle; again.

[HIPPYCHICK74]

To be honest I felt the whole of stage 2 was a test , a test of my patience and resilience to all the ridiculous hurdles that was thrown at me. Like others have said, play the game , nod and plod on. Good luck.

[veejayteekay]

Ok so my reading of this is that they've taken the concept of testing your reaction to change to an inappropriate degree, it almost sounds as though the social worker has gone a bit rogue?!

So when we had our assessment we had a few things come up that it was pretty obvious were tests and were later revealed to be when we had got our PAR complete tho it came as no surprise to us as it was pretty transparent! Things like the social worker said she was running late on our first appt one evening and had to come at like 8pm (to test our flexibility), beginning of stage 1 they resisted our application a bit because my partner was doing a master's (this was one I didn't realise was a test so I got quite upset but with hindsight it was obvious they wanted to see our commitment to it and how we would manage competing priorities), and moments like in stage 2 we were given hypothetical Q's like whether we would just quickly pop out the house while baby asleep to go get a pint of milk or pick a parcel up while they slept.

These were peppered throughout our assessment and pretty obvious most of the time but I would reiterate these were minor and quite transparent. No way was our social worker messing with our panel date or making up claims about a change of team and while we did have to analyse our personalities it was always in a specific and measured in the context of how we would use our strengths together. It never felt like a personal attack or was based on flimsy vague things like being "fun"

From what you've posted she's taken the initial concept and basically taken it to the nth degree. Maybe this is a personality issue or she has misinterpreted something in her training (who knows) but either way I agree with others that this is unacceptable and that a complaint would be warranted. I'm sorry this is derailing your process for you but maybe an assertive conversation may be all it needs. Good luck

[Jellycatspyjamas]

The adoption assessment process is just that, an assessment process so things like challenging you about whether a masters is compatible with becoming new parents, whether you’ve anticipated the mess and chaos that comes with newly placed children, checking your understanding of basic safeguarding, exploring attitudes towards children, levels of affection etc is wholly legitimate. It is a test in that they need to assess you and these things need to be explored and tried out.

Spilling things deliberately to see if you’ll freak out, lying, being underhand aren’t legitimate ways to explore these issues.

Being late, having to cancel or rearrange meetings, taking time out of the workplace for whatever reason can all happen. Social work is a pretty unpredictable profession, things change and sometimes change very quickly. Those changes are just as challenging for the workers as they are for the families they work with but such is life.

It’s important to be able to separate out what is a proper part of the process (exploring things you’d rather they left alone, hearing challenging feedback, considering their concerns from a different view point), from life stuff (social workers off sick, being redeployed, running late, needing to cancel) and inappropriate mind games (creating a situation to watch your reaction, lying in any form). You can then decide to challenge or not depending on how you feel.

Everything in the process is part of the assessment - which is a test of your potential as parents. Mind games aren’t a legitimate part of the process and I’d push back if I thought that was happening.

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

Is it possible that rather than her fabricating a story about being moved to another team in order to test you, that she really was moved to another team, and so the delays were genuine and she saw this as an opportunity to find out how you respond to change and adversity? This sounds more plausible. Do you think your mum might have got the wrong end of the stick?

As far as the fun part goes, can you just try to drop in examples of how fun you are, even if you have to engineer it a bit? Put on a Christmas jumper, bake some gingerbread men, make a snowman paper chain, do a zoom zumba class or something, so that she can tick the 'fun' box. If you just complain about being told that you're not fun, you are unfortunately just reinforcing her belief that you are not fun. Use post-it note smileys to remind yourself to smile when you're meeting her, which probably seems like an impossible task at the moment. It might be hard to hear and she may be wrong to say you're not fun, but she is holding all the cards so if she needs to record that you are fun then you need to start evidencing how much fun you are.

[Bananahana]

Very weird. Personally I’d focus on approval and then consider a complaint.

[Italiangreyhound]

It's very weird behaviour at best.

The one thing that happened was during training we were told a tiny lie for about half an hour and that was a kind of test. It was OK.

IMHO I would try and move on, prove yourself to be totally flexible, just be you to the best of your ability a fun version of you, whatever you need to do to get through this stage and move on.

You can complain, of course, but it may slow things down for you. This woman and her manager sound completely potty and I am so sorry for you.

I'd just focus on getting through. If she bring up the fun things again, just have some stories of fun things you have done, can do, etc. It is not fair and it does sound ridiculous, I agree, but in your shoes I would focus on the two of you and not her.

[rose69]

Our sw didn't like our choice of school and got "lost" walking to our house and "accidentally" ended up at the school she liked all the while her mobile phone was "broken"
Afraid to say that SWs get a lot of things wrong and there is not a culture of honesty and putting things right.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

How on earth would her being at the wrong school benefit anyone - unless you think her turning up there would somehow remove your kids from your choice of school. She was probably preoccupied and on automatic pilot - I’ve done that before and had to change course. Social workers are human, not everything they do has a hidden meaning or subliminal message - sometimes they just get lost, or run late, or say the wrong thing.

[byecorona2020]

This sounds awful, and there is 'testing' you and just lying to you.

We loved our social worker, I still keep in touch with him 3 years later, and he would never have done stuff like this.

As some have said, you need to trust your SW as they are they ones doing your PAR and recommending you to panel, so how are you supposed to trust them if they're just laying to you!