Showing DC belongings from early life - what did you do?

[Rainallnight]

I’d welcome some views on this.

DD is 4.5. Came to us at 8 months old.

We have a bag of stuff that foster carer gave us that she’s asking to see (she’s seen her little brother’s similar and much nicer box from his FC!)

Some of it is straightforward enough, like her wristband from hospital, but there are also presents from BPs, like dummies with Mummy and Daddy written on them and some teddies.

When did you introduce this kind of thing to your DC, and how did you do it?

(And now that I think of it, the wristband isn’t that straightforward as it has her old name on it which we were advised to change, and she’s mad keen on reading at the moment!)

It depends on what the situation is with the birth parents, why you were told to change the name, what contact there has been, what you have already told your dd and what the birth parents are doing now and likely to be doing in the future?

Are there any nice things in the box, and why is her brother's box nicer? Why did he get his box first?

Those are great questions @snowcrystals. Contact with BPs is only letterbox (which they’ve not signed up to so I guess that means zero contact). We were advised on name change for security reasons.

DD knows the basics of her adoption story. She’s not actually asked what they’re doing now, and I don’t really have anything to tell her as I don’t know.

DS’s box was nicer than hers because he had a much nicer foster carer, basically. So his FC had given him some lovely little momentoes, as well as including things like her favourite outfit for him when he was a tiny baby. She packaged and labelled everything beautifully and put them in this lovely box.

I was thinking of doing the same kind of packaging and labelling of DD’s things, as well as getting a nice box (they came from FC in a black hold-all).

There isn’t really anything very ‘nice’ in DD’s box, though of course it’s all significant in one way or another.

He’s still very young and hasn’t ‘got’ his box insofar as he doesn’t engage with it. But in the chaos of moving him home from FC, we left it somewhere visible so that’s how DD has seen it. Her hold all is in a high up cupboard

I’d definitely repackage her things into a nice box and nicely package them - it’s not a good message for her to see her things bundled in a hold-all while his have had such care taken, albeit I know you didn’t have choice about how they came to you.

If she knows bits of her story, I’d go through the box with her explaining they cane from her birth mum (or whatever age appropriate term you have) and let her ask questions etc. All very low key and matter of fact.

I definitely agree with jellycatspyjamas about repackaging into a nice box. I also would go through and make sure that everything you're putting in is age appropriate and you're comfortable with her seeing. If you feel like there isn't enough in there, is there anything else you could add, like anything you kept from introductions, or baby toys or clothing that came with her? I would also put her brother's box well out of sight explaining that he's too young for it now, so she won't be measuring up what she's got against what he's got, and even if she does see his as better she may get some comfort from the fact that she's old enough to access hers but he isn't.

I agree with the repackaging, and actually I would be tempted to also have a couple of sweet cuddly toys or something to make it more similar to the other box, but for you to explain that they are from you, and not part of the original box, but that you wanted to give them to her at the same time.

I asked about the birth parents because seeing "mummy" and "daddy" and your dc's original name may well prompt more questions and the answers will depend on what the security risk was, and whether rehabilitation is possible or unlikely. That would affect what might be the situation in the future, in particular in relation to letterbox if that isn't happening at all at the moment. Answering questions with zero knowledge of what they are doing sounds tough, though obviously important, in an age appropriate way.