I need some guidance!

[Fakinit03]

We were recently put forward for a baby who seemed like a really good match for us and our social worker was really optimistic however after two weeks of waiting we were told yesterday that we have not been chosen due to the fact the birth father has very recently moved very close to where we live. I've been absolutely gutted because we were told quite a lit of information about this baby beforehand due to some medical issues she had and I had felt so drawn to her this whole time. However I totally understand the reasons behind not being chosen.
They then almost immediately asked if we would be interested in another baby the only issue being that birth mother is known to have drank heavily in pregnancy which is something we had said no to during asessment. The baby is 10 months old and so far hitting all milestones but I know that doesn't really mean anything at this stage.
We have a 4yr old bc which is why we had said no to alcohol because of the risk of FASD.
It feels so awful to say no and I worry well have to wait forever for another link but I know this isn't a reason to say yes either. Not sure what I'm after, maybe just a handhold through saying no!

We are actually in a similar situation and trying to decide if we will adopt an 8-month baby whose mother has also drank heavily during the pregnancy. Our concern is that he might have a severe disability. He was born premature and is developing well for the time being. But we are concerned because we have two adopted children and obviously need to think about them too. Is it too early to tell if an 8-month baby will have a severe disability? Or is that something that would be obvious by now? Thanks!

I'm finding it all so much harder than I imagined. I'm absolutely gutted about not being chosen for the little one we were told so much about. At the risk of maybe sounding dramatic it actually feels like when I had pregnancy loss. That feeling of having all the excitement and hope ripped away from you!

FASD is one of those things than doesn’t necessarily present until children are a bit older. They may meet milestones initially but have learning difficulties or processing disorders etc which don’t show themselves until pre/school and early school years.

In all honesty if you’re saying “no alcohol” you’re likely to wait a long time for a match because the vast majority of babies placed fir adoption have been exposed to substances in the womb. It’s worth looking at the spectrum FASD spans, it’s not an all or nothing condition, it can present significant challenges but can also be on the less severe end of the spectrum.

That's awful and must be so hard to get to terms with.
There are already so many uncertainties you have to deal with and the less you have to worry and do research/seek guidance the better in my humble opinion.
We have always said that whatever was on the 'no' list was a definite no. Because we did some serious thinking about what sort of diseases/disabilities/abuse we could care for and deal with. For instance no to a child with physical disabilities because our small house cannot accommodate and we have a very active lifestyle. That may sound horrible and harsh as every child no matter what deserves loving parents. However if you as adoptive parents cannot cope than what kind of live are you settling the child and yourself up for? Especially with your 4yo.
Meaning that you adopt means looking after a child and making certain sacrifices but you also need to look after your own mental health, wellbeing and quality of life.
I'm a little surprised that your social worker would still put that profile forward if FASD was on your 'no' list.
Whatever you decide don't ever feel guilty for turning down other profiles. After all you're taking a child out of the system and giving it a loving home.

@Jellycatspyjamas absolutely we realise there's always risks and aren't saying a definite no to any alcohol at all. The little one we have been turned down for bm also had drank before knowing she was pregnant but then didn't after that (she said) but this one the bm has a long standing alcohol problem and drank throughout the pregnancy although she said she reduced her intake while pregnant I'm not sure how reliable that really is? It feels like a bigger risk with this one,but finding it so hard to say no

I think if you said no on your matching list, you said no for a good reason and you need to think long and hard before changing it.

Think about the reality of a child with FAS. Could you really cope? What about the impact on your BC?

There is also a difference between knowing there is always a slight risk v knowing for certain the BM drank heavily.

Our 'backstop' was mainstream school and live an independent life in adulthood. (But we adopted older so medical issues were more likely to be known.)

The only thing I think is that some women (not even restricted to those involved with SS) lie about drinking alcohol in pregnancy. Plenty of people I know had a few drinks in pregnancy but they obviously never told their midwives. Don't know if I have a valid point or not really but all I'm trying to say is that even if SS say there was no drinking in the pregnancy then there may well have been drinking in the pregnancy.

I said no to FAS and related and during my long drawn out matching process I was tempted to change my mind because it was no longer just about the potential condition / effects but the actual children and their personalities too. I realised that a child is so much more than potential issues for them and me further down the line. (I realise this may paint me in a bad light but it’s honest!)

Now however I’m glad I stuck to my guns. My son’s BM didn’t drink during pregnancy (although she did smoke) and did a hair strand test to prove it (although with everything nothing is 100% certain). My son is very physically healthy but has attachment issues. Like all adopted children have - although my son’s are possibly a bit more intense because the trauma of being moved from FC to me was so great (he’s doing really really well now, although the first four months were rocky for me and I wondered about destruction as his grief and related behaviours were so great).

I don’t know how I’d cope if he develops FAS traits further down the line (we have quite a few things to manage already) but I love him and if it happens so be it. We’ll deal with it. But I hope for him that he doesn’t develop these. He’ll have enough on his plate already.

My advice is to stick to your guns. It’s so hard in matching but you made your decisions for a reason.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders
There is also a difference between knowing there is always a slight risk v knowing for certain the BM drank heavily.

This is pretty much word for word what we talked about last night and although I feel sure I could love the child if I look back in 10+ years and see that for my bc it wasn't right then it will be harder to deal with knowing we knowingly took a big risk.

I think we know we have to say no to be honest. We just don't want to. I'm worried we will be 'put to the back of the queue' so to speak because we've turned down a potential match.

Not destruction! Disruption! My phone’s autocorrect is being very melodramatic!

bm has a long standing alcohol problem and drank throughout the pregnancy although she said she reduced her intake while pregnant I'm not sure how reliable that really is?

I’d say it’s not remotely reliable, and would assume her drinking pattern didn’t significantly change. And yes there’s a big difference between possible alcohol use and known heavy drinking.

What’s making it hard to say no to this little one?

@Jellycatspyjamas
I think because it's come off the back of being turned down for the little one we put forward for before this one and also we are being told that there aren't as many children coming up at the moment because of covid slowing the courts. I'm also worried about the family finders putting us to the back of the queue in a sense because we've said no.
I realise that these are all not good enough reasons to say yes.

@Fakinit03

It sounds like you are grieving for that potential match you were so invested in. Your head says this new match isn’t for you but your heart in saying “I just want to bring my child home, I whoever that may be”. If this is how you are feeling, take a step back. You are not in the right head space to look at this logically.

You have 2 children’s needs to consider. It would not be fair to either child if you couldn’t meet these competing needs. Your birth child is still so young and about to get their life turned upside down by a new sibling. You need to make sure it’s the right sibling. Also, your adopted child needs to know that they have parents that can meet their needs while juggling that of their sibling. It’s hard to make that choice and only you and your partner can make it. Look to your social worker and worker for guidance and ask why they put this little one forward to you. Maybe they can see other things that you can’t which makes them a good match.

Reconsider what you can and cannot meet the needs. If alcohol is still a no then let the child go to a family who can meet their needs. It’s only fair to the child.

If you are able to justify why and discuss your concerns with the family finder, I’m sure they will respect you for that and will find children that are a closer match.

I’m not saying to you don’t go for it. Go for it knowing it’s in everyone’s best interest. If there’s doubts (and it sounds like you have) take a step back and approach it logically.

Thank you all so much for your input. We have just had a teams chat with our social worker and decided not to go forward and she also said she agreed this was the right desicion and reassured me that the family finders were also very understanding of our reasons why. I'm feeling sad but also better for having made the desicion and talked it through

I’m glad you feel better. This is the hard bit. Wishing you well and that you find your new addition soon.

Its ok to say no. We were approached for a little boy but after reading his profile I just didn't connect, and also there were concerns I had about various things. It felt so strange and I felt awful, but it was definitely the right decision. We were not the right people for that child. When I read my now little boys profile I knew he was my son. I could feel it. Even saying that we've come close to disruption in the past and I've really struggled. I can't imagine handling that and coming out the other side if I'd always been a bit doubtful from the start.

I actually think it's a bit unfair of sw's to be suggesting matches to you that you've explicitally said you don't want to consider especially so early on in the matching process and so soon after a big emotional knockback. If you said no when you considered it deeply during your assessment and whilst you weren't so emotional and desperate to be matched then chances are you said it for good reason and you know in your heart of hearts that it isn't what you want. OK you may do some soul searching and tweak your ideas and expectations a bit but if you're making a complete U-turn then you have to be very wary and very honest about the reasons for this. There are a lot of children in LAC who have been exposed to drugs and alcohol but they are by no means the only children. My dd's birth mum took no drugs/alcohol during pregnancy. I'm as sure as I can be about that. I think you'ge ultimately done the right thing. I'm just sorry that you even had to be put in this situation in the first place. Searching for matches on linkmaker etc is emotionally draining and guilt ridden enough without you being actively seeked for a child that you've already idetified you don't think you're a good match for x

I think SW are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. I could see them not telling the OP about this baby, her waiting for a while for another profile to come along and sw saying there were other babies that they didn’t consider her for. The OP would justifiably be aggrieved that they didn’t let her make the decision.

The linking and matching stage was for me the hardest in many ways, so many children and so many matching considerations. If we’d only been told about kids that met all of our matching criteria we wouldn’t have our two - but there were things in there that in reality I was more prepared to accept and we’re doing fine.

It’s a hard, emotive time but having as many options open - even if it means hard decisions - tends to be a good thing.