Help me to be a good friend to my friend who is adopting?

[ShayAndBlueSeeker]

I’ve read a few threads on here today. I have children and don’t have any close friends who have adopted.

Having read the thread about people having not adopted children being a bit annoying, I’m now feeling a bit... anxious about putting my foot in it!

Please be kind if I use the “wrong” terminology.

Firstly, and this is not something I have shared - I feel that my friend actually has no idea what having a child 24/7 is like. Obviously. And neither did I when I had my first child. But having a newborn is different in that their needs are pretty easy and they demand very little emotionally other than you being there (all the time, granted). So I suppose I’m feeling a bit judgemental already which I don’t like. Just being honest here. She very much likes her own space, lives alone by choice etc. When she stays with me (once a month in non covid times) she is always amazed by how little I get to sit down and relax.

Anyway, she’s been approved and is waiting for a match. So I’m sure she’s way more prepared than I imagine. And I’m possibly projecting my horror of having a pre-schooler dropped into my life and having to cope!

I’m also so curious as to how long it takes adoptive parents to really love their child(den)? I don’t think I could ask that irl. It seems so rude. Some adoptions break down, so I think it’s fair to assume not everyone feels that overwhelming, “I’d die for you” love straight away. Or even after a while.

Sorry if I sound like a git. I promise I’m nice. I just want to understand and I don’t want to bring my prejudice to my friendship when my friend is matched with a child/children.

How can I best support her? I was imagining if support her in the way I’d support a friend who has just had a baby - food, babysitting, happy to chat day or night etc. But it’s not the same, is it. And I don’t want to say/do the wrong thing.

I have lots of friends with children and have become friends with the parents of lots of my children’s friends. There are children I avoid us playing with because they are a bit full on and can wind up my youngest (and knock her flying sometimes in the rough and tumble). I don’t select only “nice” children and al children have their moments, obviously including mine. But I’m worried - what if her child has challenging behaviours/ language. I’m happy to support her by being there but wouldn’t want my children to be around other children being violent/swearing etc. Again, this is not something I would say to my friend but it’s something that most people I know with children actively avoid. Eg child swearing in the playground, I’d distract my 3 year old and move her away so she doesn’t hear. (She copies EVERYTHING).

I’m sorry if I sound awful. I’m just having an honest brain dump. And feeling like a crap friend.

But here’s the thing - some of my best friends are child free by choice. They’re not keen on children. So they see my children maybe once or twice a year but mainly I see them on my own. That’s fine! Just like my friends who have big dogs - I don’t like big dogs so they never bring them when we meet. I suppose I’m worried that I’m a de facto “safe person” for my friend to want to spend lots of time with with her child. There are a few children other than my own who I love spending time with, but although I’m fond of my kids friends I’m really not keen on spending loads of time with children who are not mine. I work full time and my children are exhausting enough. They also like having as much one to one with me as they can, which is great.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I don’t want to be a wanker trying to support my friend so honest opinions/helpful ideas would be so welcome. Thank you.

We loved our little one from the first time we met them. Remember with forums you mainly hear when things are not going as well and need support.

It not often people post to say "My life is great all is working out"

Just do the same as you do for anyone with kids. Listen to them moan about so little sleep etc. The child will be just like any other and will pickup the traits from their new mum. If you friend is cool in all probability so will their child.

Sure they may have had some trauma and that may need some long term help from professionals but most children I know who were adopted are just kids. They are pretty resilient.

Thanks for posting. The fact you're asking adopters these kinds of questions already makes you a pretty good friend.

There's a lot to process in your post so I'm not sure if I've addressed everything you've asked but here's my opinion on some of it.

I’m also so curious as to how long it takes adoptive parents to really love their child(den)?
This is going to vary a lot. For some it will be quite quick and for others it will take longer. I think most would agree that love grows over time rather than there being a Lightening moment. I had a hospital stay with ds quite early on and he was quite poorly. For me that really hit home how much he meant to me, but my love for him has continued to grow over the years.

she is always amazed by how little I get to sit down and relax.
But that's a lot of people before they have children isn't it? I don't see this as adoption specific.

How can I best support her? I was imagining if support her in the way I’d support a friend who has just had a baby - food, babysitting, happy to chat day or night etc. But it’s not the same, is it.
Those are good ways to support her. The only one I'd say is a 'no' is babysitting in the early days. But yes, bring food, help her clean the house if you're inclined. You've acknowledged she's not going to have time to sit down so these are practical things you can do so she can. And absolutely be available on the phone.

But I’m worried - what if her child has challenging behaviours/ language
And what if they don't? Can you cross that bridge if you come to it? It's by no means a given that adopted children are badly behaved. You probably don't even realise that your children have already played with adopted children. They are at their school. They may be in your child's class, but they look just like non-adopted children. You wouldn't know. The parents at my son's school have no clue that he's adopted and we blend in seemlessly with other families in the park. The image you have conjured up of a sweary child is not typical of adopted children. Even if they were born to sweary parents, this is not genetic. Most children are adopted under the age of five and will have spent time in foster care so they won't be using the language of their birth parents. I think your fears here are likely to be unfounded.

I suppose I’m worried that I’m a de facto “safe person” for my friend to want to spend lots of time with with her child.

You're just going to have to see how this goes. A lot of adopters find that their support network once they've adopted looks nothing like the one they imagined. Some people do drift away. It's your choice the extent to which you want to be friends with her or see her, although I would say the fears you have seem somewhat unfounded. I'm sure she would be grateful of the support especially if your children are a similar age but you're under no obligation.

I am an adult adoptee rather than an adopter and I don't think that you are the ideal sort of person for adopted children to be around, because although I am sure you are perfectly lovely and easy to get on with in an adult social chitchat way it sounds like you have fairly narrow life experiences and you aren't naturally perceptive about other people, or intuitive about how other people are affected by life experiences which are different from yours, or how to help them. Sorry! I thought your honesty deserved an honest response, though the adopters here may entirely disagree with me. You sound very nice though, and I think you should tell your friend the truth as you have done here and commit to being just a good listener. It is funny, you sound very similar to someone I know in real life! I don't think you are them though.

Hi
no she doesn’t have a clue what’s about to hit her, none of us did - but like us and you did she will learn and fast.
Like your friend I lived alone and liked my own space, still do ( I love scout camp !) but I also wanted to be a mum - she will adjust - like I did and you did.

I think by being brave enough to come on here and write what you feel and ask questions you are already showing that you are being a thoughtful friend.

Love comes at different times for different people. I had an instant bond with my son but no I didn’t love him right away. I don’t know when I knew I loved him, it was a gradual realisation.

The reasons for adoptions breaking down are very complex and in my view have little to do with love or lack of love. Adopters will hang on for dear life because they do love their children, but sometimes it just doesnt work or the adopter doesn’t get the right support.

No one wants their child around violent children but you know adopted children are really quite nice kids. Yes some are very challenging, but most are as well behaved as any other family when they are about. My son was a dream in public - no one ever believed what he got up to a home.
As a single adopter I have never relied on one person and their kids. Its likely that your children will slightly different ages, will go to different schools etc. I never expected my best friend to spend any more time with us than I did before. Your friend will make lots of new friends just like I did, because no matter how brilliant your friends are, no-one ‘gets it’ quite like other adopters. Her child will make their own friends that they want to spend time with.

Do be understanding that she will have problems you will never have, don’t offer advice unless its asked for. Don’t pry or be offended if she doesnt tell you things. No one knows my son’s full story, not even my mum.
But also accept that her child is also just a child, sometimes they will play up because thats what kids do, but most of the time they will be fine. Many children have a diificult time at first - remember that they are terrified and traumatised. But most settle down, Worry about a challenging child if and when it happens.

The worst thing you can do is not acknowledge this event in her life. Throw her a baby shower, go for a last girl’s night out. My office decorated my desk in the same way they did for women going on maternity leave. One of my friends turned up with its a boy balloons and card - my son was nearly 8!
Just be the friend you would be if she had a baby. One really simple thing you could do when the time comes is when they come home after intros they will be shattered - get some chocolate, milk and bread in, stick some ready meals in the freezer and a bottle of wine in the fridge.

And ask her what she needs or wants.
Its all a bit strange now because there is an unknown child. But one day soon that ‘child’ will become a boy or a girl, with a name and a smily face, they will your friend’s son or daughter. And it won’t feel so strange anymore.

I think you are being a little unfair @reviewsreviews

I think the op is admitting some of her experiences are limited and she has come hear to ask for advice.

I’d far rather people came here and asked for advice and have their views challenged so they can learn rather than they blunder along under the same assumptions.

I was being honest not unfair, and your post was different from mine and so the OP is getting a range of views, and so a balance. Over the years as a parent I have got to know many other parents, all with their own ways of looking at parenting and looking at other parents' children and play dates and so on, and the OP's paragraphs about this are very honest which is great but make me feel that she would not be ideal around vulnerable children. I hope you don't feel attacked, OP, that wasn't intended.

Thank you all so much. I have read everything you’ve said and will re-read. I know children who are adopted (not well) and I know quite a few people my age who were adopted too. All had happy adoptions and growing up I didn’t think of them as “other” once I knew they were adopted.

@reviewsreviews if you knew what my profession was you’d probably be surprised! I just wanted to ask some honest questions here that I would find tricky to do irl. No offence taken at all though.

I think things will be more straightforward when my friend is matched with a child and we meet him/her and they are real for me.

I know that babysitting is not on the cards for a good while with adoptive children. I am good at filling freezers and fridges though and offering general parenting support.

Hi,

Hope all goes well for your friend! I agree with so much already posted so won't repeat.

What stood out for me was 'wrong terminology ' - I would recommend being led by the language used by your friend. It could really help.

Also, be prepared to be a good friend during the wait. Sometimes it's not that long, and sometimes it's ages! She might need support during this time.

Enjoy getting to know these important people in your life when they arrive and when the time is right!

My son came home in the first lockdown and my friends were nowhere to be seen as they all had their own worries because of the pandemic. Had they been able to, I’d have loved them to have popped by and to have given me a hug. I’m a single adopter and what I really really miss is a friend to pop by after bedtime to give me a hug. My son (2) is very cuddly (he’s curled up in bed against me right now and laughing in his sleep) but nothing beats seeing a friend who doesn’t give a shit if you’ve not washed for three days and wants to make you a cup of coffee (with whiskey in it).

Don’t pre judge the child. They’re a child. They’ve been through hell and back and are probably traumatised af. Don’t tell your friend “all children do that” - her child will do some behaviours for very different reasons. Be there, don’t offer advice unless asked, be as happy as if they’re a newborn. Send flowers and a card and celebrate your friend’s new little one.

Also - and this is practical while she’s building attachment - don’t try to do any ‘mummy tasks’ without asking. Every child and family is different but ask before touching, before offering a hug, before offering food or gifts to the child... the child needs to trust your friend is their mother and if another adult steps in it could be confusing. Like I said, everyone is different and it depends on the child and their background and your friend’s approach to it. In the early days a friend picked my son up and he was horrified. It’s hard.

OP I would be interested to know your profession, if not too outing.

Thanks for not taking offence, none intended as I said.

@mahrezzy - that’s good advice. When friends have babies I will generally try to do things to help them be the mummy rather than take over. So fetch all the things she might need for a feed and then make a drink/lunch while she’s feeding for example. But not take over. Also, I always check how to do something so the parent feels in control (especially with new mums). Even if it’s something I’ve done a million times (eg nappies!)

@reviewsreviews I work for the nhs in a medical role and work with a lot of parents from all sorts of backgrounds. Not easily shocked!

Good point about not prejudging the child. I think in all honesty, I’m feeling a bit concerned that my friend has decided I will be a major support and at the moment I’m worn out (2020!!). Because of my job, I do get asked for advice/help a lot. Not adopting specific advice, general kid stuff. That’s fine, but I also need to be really boundaried so that my “advice” is just taken as friendly advice, not professional advice. Does that make sense? eg one of my best friends is a GP. I ask her general things but wouldn’t ask something specific because it’s not fair - her response would have to be “see your GP”. (Sending her a photo of a rash - is this chicken pox? = fine. Sending her a photo of an unwell child - is this serious? = not fine)

When her child arrives remember to refer to the child as your son or your daughter. Just treat her child as you might a niece or nephew. Don't leave their child out of things. Find s little role to suit their ability etc.

@ShayAndBlueSeeker you sound lovely. Fancy popping round mine? 🤣

I get your concern about being named support. As part of the process we have to say who is in our support network for practical help - I asked a couple of friends if they were comfortable with it and said all I expected was for them to come round to make me tea sometimes, and to get to know my son so if I had an emergency and needed to leave him with someone (if I needed to do this he’d have been petrified being left with a stranger). The reality is that my friends didn’t come through for me (because of Covid but also, I wonder, because they were worried about what my son would be like) and I had to build a new support network asap. And that was okay. You don’t need to feel obligated to your friend, especially if you don’t feel their future child (once you know them) will get on with your family. I think that’s like any friendship though, without adoption in the mix. I don’t see some friends cos their children (and my friends parenting style) don’t mesh well with mine. Your friend will probably want to do lots of ‘funnelling’ in the early days (one on one intensive attachment building with their LO) so chances are you may be needed less than they expect.

I am at the similar stage as your friend in the process but have been matched and waiting for panel. Similar profession I imagine. I have found some of my friends helpful and some are not interested, a bit like your big dogs example! I take no offence and this is fine. There’s other things to talk about, and generally as you say how exhausting it is to work in the nhs during COVID times. Has your friend asked for your support? Or is this anticipation of major support needs? For me, the helpful friends around adoption have been those who are kind, listen, and ask how I am. Not helpful is being intrusive and offering advice that I haven’t asked for.

I didn't assume you were easily shocked! You said I have lots of friends with children and have become friends with the parents of lots of my children’s friends. There are children I avoid us playing with ....Again, this is not something I would say to my friend but it’s something that most people I know with children actively avoid and though I know groups of parents as you describe, I also know parents who deal with things differently without "avoiding" (and their dc still do not end up leaving primary school violent or swearing!). In my experience, if a child has behavioural problems or lacks social skills there are usually fundamental reasons for it, and positive interaction will often impact positively, sometimes even changing their future trajectory. I have seen "avoiding" unintentionally translate into exclusion and quite bad bullying of the "avoided" child in the playground irl. But it sounds like you are saying that I totally misjudged your post, and read too much into it and if so apologies.

I think that you do need to show this thread to your friend if she is a "good" friend, including the paragraph where you say So I suppose I’m feeling a bit judgemental already which I don’t like and obviously you will be explaining to her what you have said here about what you can and can't offer because of your other commitments.

Good luck with it all.