dd's bp have mild learning difficulties. Other adopter's experiences?

[Jannt86]

OK so my 2.5YO is beautiful and amazing and personally I think she's an absolute genius However I'm very vigilant of her development etc as her bp's have mild LDs. I will love the bones of her whether she's einstein or never even learns to write her own name don't get me wrong but I just wanted other people's experiences...

So she presents currently as really quite clever. I sing and talk and play relentlessly with her mostly because I know it's what any kid this age needs Nd also due to awareness of her bp's background

She was an early understander. Could follow a handful of instructions by a year old and some quite complex things by 14MO. Now at 2.5 pretty much nothing gets past her. She didn't exactly take off with her speech but was saying 3 word sentences by 2 and even sporadically came out with 'daddy I want more' at 16MO just once even though she said barely anything else at that age lol. Now at 2.5 she talks long sentences regularly although is still quite unclear with talking to a point even daddy sometimes struggles to understand. She counts to 10 fairly consistently and can even count objects quite accurately and often can accurately say how many of something there'll be if we add one more of something. She can also do a 50 piece jigsaw fairly easily when she's in the mood even though doesn't do them religiously (once a day at most) She knows most of her alphabet letters and can sound out a few of them. She is starting to sing more and more and will sing a couple of songs all the way through and lots more she'll sing snippets from. She loves imaginary play and will happily put her babies to bed or feed them etc and have 'tea parties' and also likes to play with small world figures etc (lots of sylvanian families on the way for xmas) She has a wicked sense of humour and is very sociable. She's just starting to seek friends out at nursery etc and mention their names when we are at home.

I don't have much basis for comparison with development as she's our first. Does this all sound typical for her age? If anyone who's adopted children's bps had LD are a bit older can you tell me how they ultimately have got on at school? Also does anyone have any tips on how to stimulate her at this age? I do phonics and counting etc but she doesn't like doing anything for show so if she clicks on that I'm teaching her or testing her she totally switches off so I mean ways to make it fun really.

Sorry if this all sounds paranoid. I think it's partly because we are off together and lockdown is making it hard to get out and do things etc so it's just got me thinking about how best to spend my time with her and things. Thanks xx

Learning difficulties covers a multitude of possibilties.

My,son was nearly 8 so I have no experience of toddlers but he does have a learning difficulty, When he came to me he was at special school and way behind.
8 years on, he gained a decent clutch of GCSEs at his mainstream school and is studying engineering at college. He needs support but he can hold his own in class.

It sounds like you are doing a great job and she sounds like a little star.
Carry on doing what you are doing and have fun

My DS has history of LD on one side of the family only. For a long while he did seem to be behind on most things. His turning point seemed to be at three and a half when his speech suddenly took off. He's now five and fairly middle of the road for his age, his reading and writing are perhaps a bit below average but he's very capable in terms of physical skills and confidence. Even his emotional intelligence is pretty good for a five year old boy.

I am no expert, but in my experience they change and grow so quickly in the preschool years. To me your DD sounds well on track, or perhaps even ahead of the curve. I am not really sure what your concern is. At 2.5 she's still really little. I would stop putting pressure on yourself and just enjoy your time with her. That's actually how small children learn best anyway.

In terms of how best to spend your time, try and look beyond academics and get out and discover your environment, even when it's raining. If it's really too cold to go out then create a sensory bin or water tray to explore. At this young age fine motor skills are more important than actually writing letters so look for activities that work her hand muscles.

You, and she, sound awesome! Keep doing what you're doing.

I really resent the automatic assumption I've witnessed from some (mainly SWs, in afraid) that my children should have low expectations in life. LD inheritance is multifactorial, I think we should approach our children informed, but treating them as individuals, with great individual potential.

I hate school reports, because I don't care where they are compared to the rest of the class. I care they're good at their strengths, and are progressing. I love them just the way they are.

Just be proud of her. And yourself.

@Ted27 thanks. I agree she seems to be doing great right now. I agree that I am probably overthinking it a bit. I am just aware that although it's not the be all and end all that academic success does open doors and am just keen to help her succeed as best I can (having been quite academic myself) and I'm especially sensitive about it in these early years which I know are so important. It's lovely having all this time off with her (I work PT and she's at nursery 3 days) but the older she gets the more I feel pressure to do things with her that are fun but stimulating too. We read quite a lot and get outdoors as much as we can and I do my best but I'm not an early years teacher or anything. It's difficult to always come up with how to expand on playtime etc

@sunshineandskyscrapers as above. In all honesty if her bp's didn't have this history then I probably wouldn't be thinking on it so much. Please don't get me wrong we have lots of fun together. Virtually everything we do is play based and we get outside most days. The other day we went to the woods spent ages just giggling at some squirrels which were running up and down the trees etc and she loves to collect acorns and knows they come from oak trees. I guess I'm just anxious to give her the best start I can. That's all I can do really

@percypetulant that's really beautifully put thanks and you're absolutely right. You're right LD are very much multifactoral and success in life is also multifactoral. I'm a prime example of this. I have a reasonably high IQ and always did well academically.... It doesn't guarantee I won't leave the hob on or leave my house key on the outside of the front door.... and I can memorise the long card number on my bank card within minutes of receiving a new card. How do I know this? Because I lose it literally every 5 minutes I guess what'll be will be. My gut is that she has a lot going for her and I should just go with that x

I guess I'm just anxious to give her the best start I can. That's all I can do really

We all feel like this, of course you do, you're her mum.

My gut is that she has a lot going for her and I should just go with that
Absolutely! She's got you for a start. There's many different ways to be academic, and many ways to be successful even if traditional academia isn't your strength. I'm reminded of that quote "wonderful things are in store for you"- both of you! This age is so much fun, little sponges.

She sounds like she’s doing really well. My son is 29 months and speaks in 20 word sentences, can draw shapes, can dress and undress, can do problem solving puzzles for 4 year olds, can count, colour sort, and god knows what else. He’s very busy because he’s so bright. (Excuse the humble bragging, I’m so proud of him!!). Emotionally he’s a lot younger and doesn’t want to say goodbye to nappies or his bottles and I’m chill about taking everything at his pace. It’s his life and it’s my privilege to be there for the ride.

His birth family all have a history of learning difficulties and I was told to expect delays. I think he’s so clever (in part) because he’s hyper vigilant and takes as much in as possible. He’s always asking questions. He’s not at nursery yet as I don’t think he’d cope (he’s only been home 6 months).

My approach to give him the best start is to make him feel safe as possible and happy. I can’t make him learn or be academic and all I want for him is to be comfortable in his own skin and his identity. We read a lot, do lots of play and puzzles and do whatever he enjoys. And that’s okay.

@Jannt86 you sound like such a conscientious mum. I wish more parents buddy so much with their kids.

Young children have such a short attention span. They will go between activities quickly and move back to them. Lots of time to play and explore at home and out and about. With you and in her own. Lots of different activities, sensory, fine motor skills, gross motor skills.

Most importantly, let her lead the play. Let her choose the play even if it’s the same thing over and over. Kids love repetition.

With regards to your daughter. She is who she is. I know you love her for who she is (thats clear) and continue to get to know her as her personality develops. Look for interests and likes and develop these. Just explore the world around her together.

Personal experience, my daughter (birth) was an early talker (spoke 4 words by eight months and was talking in sentences by a year and a half. She was a delight and surprised everyone with her language skills) and now aged 7 years, she is being assessed for dyslexia and struggles in all aspects of school work. She loves dance and drama and that’s what we encourage. Her skills aren’t school but doesn’t mean she won’t be successful. She just needs extra support and activities to build her confidence.

On the other hand, my son (adopted) was developmentally delayed when he joined our family (aged 3). He could barely speak and his motor skills were behind. Now he is excelling and there’s no sign of a delay in any of these areas. However, social and emotional he has made next to no progress. My point being, you cant predict future success.

Anyway, enjoy being mum to your fabulous little girl. Watch her play and smile with pride because she is wonderful.

PS no one tells you but looking after you g kids on your own is very boring and that’s ok. To feel your not doing enough is ok. Kids that young love lots of small, short activities and repetition which feels boring and “not enough” for our adult brain but for toddlers it’s exactly what they need.

Thanks all. Early child development is such a fascinating but devastating subject. For example how on earth do some children who've had virtually no interaction in orphanages for those crucial first few years manage to come out fairly unaffected (at least ITO their intelligence) and yet some are cripplingly disabled and barely able to develop any social-communication skills. There's still so much we don't know. I'd highly recommend that any adopters watch '3 identical strangers' though. It's an awful documentary b and the twist will leave you indescribably angry but so worth watching all the same (if maybe with a large glass of wine) If you read between the lines you can conclude that love and relaxed, warm and nurturing parenting really does give children the best chance at being happy and having good mental health x

Hi, adopter of a gorgeous 8 year old here.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Our son was 3.5 when we adopted him. It’s hard to unpick whether it’s mild learning difficulties in birth family, early neglect or poor prebirtjh environment - alcohol and smoking that’s resulting in our son struggling academically. He’s probably about 2 years behind his peers. We focus on how far he’s come and how well he’s doing in other areas. One thing school says he’s below average at is working memory, but friends and family think his memory is amazing - hypervigilence means he soaked up everything about his surroundings in those early years.

It’s so hard to predict. We know adopters with children excelling academically. What I would say is focus on the here and now and enjoy your time with her - it goes so fast!! When it comes to school do homework about how they help children with the things you are worried about. I wished we’d asked more questions about how they’d support with delay or emotional difficulties. It may become irrelevant but there are schools out there that “get” the needs of adopted kids and those that don’t.

Ps you don’t sound paranoid! Worrying goes with the job when you’re a mum.

I am not an adopter but one thing you might also find really interesting if you haven't already found her is Maria Montessori - she was the first woman to qualify as a doctor in Italy in the early 1900s, and after qualifying set up a school for children with what we would now see as learning difficulties or disabilities who could not cope with mainstream school. She devised a set of learning tools and a method and it was so successful the children did better than many of the mainsteram children. I read her "Handbook" and her "The Absorbent Mind" and found them both really interesting about how children learn, both NT children and children who learn differently.

I also think that for all dc, all through primary and beyond, how much the parents do at home makes a huge impact in terms of the academic side of things. Whether it is introducing them to science concepts and doing fun experiments or spending time with them learning spelling and times tables off by heart, so that they can then move on more confidently to the next challenges at school.

Your daughter sounds very similar to my eldest, who the reception teacher describes as exceptionally bright (and that's not normal teacher fluff, they are usually cagey at that age). She has FASD and a similarish genetic parentage to yours.

MLD is really incredibly broad and can often be applied to people who just didn't have 'good enough' parenting and much stimulation as children. There is a genetic component to intelligence but in my (professional) opinion it's significantly less than the effect of parental stimulation, resilience and (later) metacognition skills.

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep it fun and don't worry about structured teaching. Don't push too much in areas which seem slow to develop, all of a sudden they just catch up.

My DS birth mum on paper has LDs, very poor literacy, memory etc. Couldn't work as a waitress for that reason. DS is a maths whizz, loves learning new words and new languages (he's 8). He's had a real poor couple of years at school though due to poor behaviour but his speed of catch up has been phenomenal which is how I know he's really a smart cookie.
Both he and birth mum have ADHD and it may have led to her not learning at school as well.

(We are typical indulgent middle class family with extra pushy, baby swimming, language classes, lots of travel etc)

Thanks all. Essentially her bp's are assessed to have more or less low-normal intelligence but struggle specifically with working memory and attention. I suspect if you examined a lot of people they'd have a similar picture tbh especially if they didn't have the greatest upbringing themselves. I have no real basis for comparison ITO these things really and they're probably almost impossible to assess in a 2YO. However she took to potty training really easy which I'd say requires good working memory skills. I do think they drill the negatives of adoption into us a lot and I guess they have to because to some extent they're reality but one of the challenges of being an adoptive parent is being their advocate and working hard to help counteract that disadvantage without stressing them and yourself out in the process.

Yes @sassygromit I am familiar with montesorri. I guess we loosely follow it at home and although her nursery isn't classed as a montesorri nursery I think they follow some of the principles too.

I thought your dd sounded as bright as a button. For unclear speech, btw, I got brief telephone advice from a salt and it was to get dc to repeat sounds as a game, ennn ellll, emmm, esss, peee, ceee, caaa, etc to make sure the right muscles were developing (I think) just in case that is of interest. None of the nurseries we went to including one "Montessori" one followed her principles so I am impressed if yours does! I found her really inspiring. A friend became a montessori teacher (a real one) and I was very jealous!

Hi There

I am a children's speech and language therapist and a a parent of 2 toddlers - one 3 and one 1 (both adopted).

Our big one's speech is delayed and he is generally a little bit behind - he is a bit young for his age - but he had a rough start to life so I expect that. He thrives in nursery and he is generally having a great time.

I think you are doing an amazing job. I would concentrate on the social stuff, singing, playing and generally stimulating her brain. My only advice is I wouldn't (and haven't) done any formal stuff - like letter names etc. Mainly because I don't know what approach his school will take so I don't want to confuse him. We talk about colours and numbers and stuff nursery tell me he is doing but I try not to teach him - just give him experiences. Sorry I am not explainig this well... Happy to chat more if you want.

I am autistic and have ADHD. I am also a 36 year old women who is a qualified teacher, has an MA and is working towards a PhD. I have spent over a decade teaching and am now focusing on running my own charity. Consequently, I've always worked in roles that require high level people skills and the ability to meet tight deadlines. At school, I was a model student who was in the top sets for all subjects and often win end of years awards for my effort and attainment.

My husband is also autistic and is a director at an engineering company. He manages over 30 staff and his job also requires high level people skills. Like myself, he was a model student and in the top sets for everything.

I'm telling you this as a lot of information you read will be based on misinformation and outdated stereotypes. Being different to the majority doesn't automatically mean a person will struggle. Some students do struggle to because of the manmade barriers they face but many achieve academic as well as professional success in mainstream environments. It may surprise you but medicine and engineering degrees (which attract high grade requirements) are the courses that contain the highest percentage of students with an SpLd.

In terms of teaching multisensory activities, including YouTube videos, songs, role play etc will work best if you think your LO may have a learning difference.

@thistle52 just out of interest, do you agree with the generic advice I got from a speech and language therapist which I passed on in my post just above yours?

It was to repeat various sounds. Ie, it was not learning letters or phonics.

Is it fairly common advice about things you can do at home, where the dc doesn't need to see a speech therapist?

@sassygromit it is a while since I did that kind of work - but I am not sure its the advice I would give. Reduce correction (don't say its not 'tat' its 'cat' etc) but to say "that's right a cat" and try and expand the language by saying things like "its a big/brown/hungry cat" and let them hear the correct pronunciation. Playing sound games wont do any harm but you do need to make sure you are saying thinks like mmmmm and not emmmmm (if that makes sense)?

So I guess I am saying - its generic advice and won't do any harm and any muscle building/working will be beneficial but if the little one doesn't get it or can't repeat the sounds then leave it and don't push it. If they are speaking then you don't want to make them feel bad and then stop talking.

You’ve had lots of good advice here, the only thing I would add is a suggestion that you have her hearing checked. Hearing difficulties don’t manifest in lots of ways - it may be that there are certain frequencies or sounds she struggles with. My reason for suggesting it is that my 8 year old has just been identified as having quite significant hearing loss which was missed in all her LAC medically and her difficulties written off as learning difficulties. Turns out she’s never been able to hear properly, there may be some learning difficulties there but not being able to hear will have played a huge part in her understanding the world around her. I’ve since discovered it’s not uncommon for children to have hearing problems misidentified as learning difficulties.

thistle thanks for the reply. I understand your point re not correcting/not making them feel bad. It was something we did at random times, like on walks, and just repeating random sounds that came into my head (very nonexpert) and they really loved it, they liked the 1:1 and it was easy going. No idea if there was benefit directly from that. They are bilingual and it was stressed to me that they needed to learn second language early on to make sure the right muscles developed.

OP just in case useful, dc would memorise books i read to them over and over at 2 before they learned to read - apparently this is common! - started learning letters naturally at some point around turning 3 I cannot remember but didn't learn phonics as a formal teaching method for learning to read until school. One thing to be aware of is that some nurseries compare children and even put pressure on parents by comparing children, but it is usually very non expert and I found sometimes their analysis was wrong. When dc started with a qualified teacher at 4 there was a noticeable difference.

From experience of bringing up my own, I think she sounds perfectly normal and is developing very well indeed. I wouldn't suspect any learning difficulties from what you have written (no expert other than my own experience). Music, dance and singing together are all excellent ways to develop her at this age.

As others have suggested I think, definitely get her checked out before she starts nurser or school such as standard sight and hearing tests just to discount any obvious issues.

As an adopted child I would be more concerned about her emotional wellbeing to ensure that is developing well. As she starts nursery and later school she may need more support from you to feel secure and make good friendships. Socialise all you can (I know it's very restricted at the moment but even something regular on zoom or skype with relatives will help).

I think you're doing an amazing job btw.