Initial meeting

[Lairyfights]

Advice please! A family finder and social worker wants to set up an initial meeting for a little girl that we have been looking at. We’ve read her CPR, they’ve read our PAR and we’re moving on to this next step. We’ve never got this far before! It feels very exciting!

We’ve been told it’s a meeting to ask questions about LO and they’ll be asking us some questions, to see if everyone wants to proceed with the match. I’m trying not to get too excited as I know it could all go back to square one.

Anyway, what kind of questions can we be expected to get? What kind of questions should we prepare?

Thanks so much!

Exciting times! The SW will update you about the child’s progress in foster care. You may wish to ask any questions that you have arising from the CPR. This is a useful list of questions, not all will be relevant and some may be more appropriate for the foster carer.
www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/questions-for-foster-carers-and-social-workers

The SW will want to know about you, so just be yourself! They are likely to ask about what attracted you to this child and about how would you meet their likely needs. So may be helpful to think about what those may be for your child. They may ask about facilities for children in your local area, schools, playgrounds etc.

Hope it goes well.

The Adoption U.K. list is quite detailed and probably good for starting to think about the practicalities of caring for the child and for intros. In the initial meeting I’d be focussing on how the child is developing, are there any developmental delays, how do they relate to foster carers, pick up any health issues noted in the CPR and explore how these impact day to day and any long term prognosis. I’d also try to get a clear understanding of their time with the birth family, how long were they there and how was the transition into foster care.

What are they like day by day, what do they enjoy, what do they struggle with - try to get a good picture of this little one.

I’d also look at the CPR and think about how you might be able to meet their needs - also think broadly about your community and the facilities and services you might have access to. It’s a good opportunity to think about how this wee one might fit with your family - very exciting times, try to balance your heart with your head and if there’s anything that gives you pause for thought, ask about it here so you can make an informed decision about this child.

Good luck, it’s so good to get to this stage.

Focus on getting the info needed to make a decision.
e.g. you don't need to know yet what washing powder the FC uses, but you do need to know any medical issues.

Make sure you read between the lines:

• needs firm boundaries
• can get overwhelmed
• can be a bit shy

etc

Check how up to date the medical info is.

Be aware 'meeting milestones' is a very broad range so you may want to ask more specific questions to see what they really mean.

Find out what behaviour was like when they first went into care, as can regress on transition.

If you have any absolute 'No's on your preference list, make sure they aren't there; similarly anything on your 'possible' list, understand the degree.

This is a heart AND head decision.

How exciting though!

Oh, also make sure you sound like you like the girl.
You need the right balance of enthusiasm and caution.

Thank you so much everyone. This is so helpful. I’ll be honest, my husband and I are really wanting this match. We have looked at so many profiles, said no to a few initial meetings after CPRs flagged up issues that weren’t in the smaller profiles and been disappointed when profiles we liked went no where. Trying to keep a level head and it’s so difficult. In your experience, how often do these initial meetings actually move on to matching panel and a positive match?

Oh I forgot I’d name changed. This is very confusing now haha. Can tell I don’t come on here much!

You can ask your SW if the children’s SW is considering other matches. I would have preferred not to have known though as it made me feel pressured! We weren’t turned down, but I guess someone else was :(

We made the difficult decision not to proceed with a match following an initial link meeting, as it revealed more information and we had agreed as a couple not to continue with a match if either of us had doubts. This is hard if the SW want to proceed and feels awful but I sincerely hope the right family came along for the little ones.

I would echo the "meeting milestones" comment. Our little boy was said to be meeting his and within a week it was clear he was significantly delayed. I'm actually at the stage where I'm really angry about this because so much could have been done to help him earlier.

Read the CPR lots. We actually went through each paragraph and talked about what that meant for us which was helpful and also helped us to create our questions list.

All the best!

This is hard if the SW want to proceed and feels awful but I sincerely hope the right family came along for the little ones.

I think sometimes it can help to think that placement in the wrong family can be disastrous for a child, and if you have doubts or have agreed a process for deciding that you then go against it may prevent both that child finding the right family for them, but also stops the “right” child for you being placed where they belong.

@jellycatpyjamas I had to read that a few times 🤔 but I agree. I want to be there for our little ones 100% and the match we have now feels ‘right’ head and heart.

@crechendo I really identify with your thoughts and I hope you find the support your little one needs, he sounds like he has a great parent in you.

OP @Wattlebird hope your meeting is enjoyable and this match is positive for you

Thanks everyone. Definitely taking on board the advice about meeting milestones because that’s one of the first lines of her CPR so we’ll explore that more!

We also spoke to our social worker today who confirmed we are the only couple they are looking at.

Going to spend this weekend putting up the Christmas tree and going over her CPR again to get some questions together! Trying to stay level headed and not get ahead of myself!