Rejection of one parent

[poppet31]

Hi there. I'm a regular poster on this board but looking for some advice about a specific issue. Our son (3 and a half) has been with us for just over a year - came home last September. He was always been quite rejecting of me and preferred Dad but this had improved massively. We had some theraplay sessions prior to lockdown which I think made a difference.

I took a year's adoption leave and went back to work at the end of September so have always been the primarily carer, albeit Dad works from home so has always been around a lot. The arrangement we have now is that I work tues- Friday. Our son is at nursery tues-thurs and had been doing this for a little while before I went back to work so no real change for him on these days. On Fridays he goes to a a childminder in the morning (he went to her over the summer while nursery was closed and we didn't want to just sever that relationship) and dad looks after him in the afternoon while I work upstairs.

It is the Friday that seems to be causing problems for us I think. Ever since I went back to work, he has been so rejecting of me, wants dad to do everything and will have huge meltdowns if I have to do something. It is generally fine if it's just the two of us and only seems to be a problem when the three of us are together. Saturdays are usually horrible and we have such challenging behaviour. I am assuming it is all relating to that new dynamic of me being upstairs working on a Friday afternoon but I'm not totally sure. It almost seems like payback for not being with him! I completely get why this might be difficult and triggering for him and want to help but I'm just not sure how.

Just looking for advice as to how we get past this as it seems to be getting worse rather than better. Do I drop my hours and go back to having him on a Friday (not ideal from a work/money perspective but probably could do it if it's best for him) or do we give it more time? Any other tips would be much appreciated. Thanks.

I remember your struggles in the early days, you saw it get better so you know it will again, hold on to that.

I can see why you relate it to you being at home but not available to him - that may well trigger feelings for him if he had a birth mum who wasn’t available for him or to meet his needs but it may also just be change generically. Children often revert back to previous ways of coping when things change and if his way of coping was to seek out his dad, it’s reasonable he’d do that again. It’s also not uncommon for children to struggle with one or other parent for lots of reasons - my son really struggles with men, his dad, male teachers etc because men haven’t been safe for him in the past.

I’d go back to what you were doing that improved things just after placement, try the theraplay exercises you were using etc, keep his world small etc. It’s good you’ve kept the relationship with the childminder, I can understand your thinking there but is it possible for him to spend the day with her rather than the half day? That might give him stability across the day, so one less transition to manage for him. Is dad working while looking after him? It may be that he needs more input and attention than he’s getting on the Friday afternoon (no criticism intended, these are trying time’s for us all).

Does he understand about work - sounds like a silly question but I’ve had to really explain the link between me working and us having nice things. I work from home too so my two think they can stay home from school cos I’m home anyway.

I’d not drop the Friday just yet, it’s early days and you have that up your sleeve if it comes to it. In the meantime I’d keep things low key - there’s no point in pressing the issue when he’s distressed (and I imagine you are too). Let dad take the lead where possible but also plan 1:1 time with you to maintain that relationship. As ever pick your battles, play alongside him so he sees you playing in the same space as him, do things that you know he likes and see if he’ll engage alongside you.

I’m also wondering if there are too many changes in caregiving across the week. He goes from spending the day with you, to nursery, to childminder, to dad, to you both. If you’ve got a wee one who struggles with transition that’s quite a lot to cope with. Is there a way of streamlining things? Nursery and childminder all have their strengths but it might just be too much at this stage?

Hi Poppet, I remember your early posts and how much they resonated with me and once again this post resonates!

When my partner went back to work (we had a period of time where we were both at home on adoption leave, we took 2 children slightly staggered so I was on adoption leave for one child and my partner for the other), she felt very “pushed away” by our DS behaviour (similar in age to your LO).

He previously was in foster care and had no concept of going to work or why this has to happen, so we spent a lot of time introducing this concept. We started by giving him a physical piggy bank, and after each day of work my partner would bring him a coin for the piggy bank. We would explain she had earned this coin, and that would could put it in the piggy bank. At the end of the week when we would go shopping, we wouldn’t empty the piggy bank and he could choose a small value item (usually a car!) to buy with his saved pennies. Obviously we would have to add to this when we paid, but it really helped him understand why we go to work and how it allows us to buy things.

We also broadened the concept to show how it buys food or allows us to turn on the lights/heating. Since his understanding of work improved, his behaviour has too :)

Hope this helps! Most importantly just keep going :) feel free to PM if you want to talk in more detail at all.