Son (7) asking to see birth mum

[Florida05]

My son has recently started asking lots of questions. We answer with the truth as far as we can. He asked me this morning if he can meet the lady that gave birth to him. I said we’ll talk about it tonight as this was on way to school. What do I say? He obviously can’t meet her and we don’t have letter box contact either. I don’t know how to explain why he can’t see her? Any advice please?

I would make yourself a hot drink and reread all the information you have about his birth mum and the reasons why he couldn't live with her. If you have any photos I would put them somewhere for easy access in case you need them for your conversation.

Also think about it from his perspective and try not to put your own, adult one on it. It's a conversation that requires reassurance that you love him and also empathy towards his feelings.

Don't say that just say he can't meet her, consider explaining what would happen if he decides he wants to meet her when he is 18.

It's a very complicated and emotional situation for both of you so have put the details of how to contact adoption U.K. at the bottom of my response because I think you really need to speak to someone today rather than rely on people randomly taking the time to reply on a public forum.

0300 666 0006 is the adoption U.K. helpline number and they are open 10-14.30 Monday to Friday. You don't have to be a member to phone them.

I guess it depends on the why you don't even have letterbox.

If in doubt blame the Social Workers.

I'm sorry, the social workers said they really don't think it would be a good idea, and the judge agreed, and they are the experts so we have to go with what they say.

Or if true:

Sorry, the SWs don't have contact with your BM and we have to wait until you are an adult.

Or:

Sorry, BM really didn't treat you well or keep you safe, and we all think it would be far too upsetting

Or:

Sorry, BM isn't a very safe person and we don't want any contact

… coupled with empathy of course

it must be really hard for you, etc

Thank you. I’m not relying on random replies I was just wanting other adoptive parents opinions. I don’t always find the social workers way the right way and feel parents sometimes have good advice.

When my DD was similar age she started to become more interested in why BPs couldn’t look after her. Very much felt it must be because she was a ‘bad baby’. We’ve had support from ASF to help her understand, process and cope with all she’s been through, which has helped and continues to help.

My narrative to her has been along the lines of ‘BM couldn’t keep you safe, that’s why the wise judge / social workers (delete as applicable) needed to find a new family for you’. I give her lots of verbal and physical reassurance that I’m her mum forever, that there’s nothing that would ever make me not love her etc, that she’s safe with me.

In our situation (and appreciate yours may / will be different) I’ve framed that reassurance and narrative alongside ‘when you are an adult I will help you to make contact with BPs if you want to, in a way that will keep you safe’

It’s really tough, and I don’t have a magic answer but keeping the line of communication open between you, alongside reassurance that nothing that happened to them was their fault, and that you are here for them forever is key I think.

I’ve got another thread going about self harm because that’s where things have got to for my DD at moment, but I do believe that being open with her from a young age has been helpful (and will be helpful long term) even if it doesn’t feel like that right now!

Thank you for your replies & advice. We have spoken with our son and for now the talk went well and he seems happy with our response.

I'm glad it went well. My take has always been to talk (age appropriately) about why birth parents couldn't keep DD safe, and to acknowledge the feelings that go with that.

Possibly some lifestory work for him with a therapist. Do you have no letterbox because the birth mother didn't respond?

How long has he been with you? My son is 7 now but was 4 when placed and has an understanding that his birth mum couldn’t care for him. Your son may be curious about his birth mum - who she was, what she looked like, etc which is really natural and I try to answer, show photos etc. Sometimes he’ll ask if he can see her and I’m very honest about how we can’t do that just now but it might happen when he’s older. I think simple, straightforward answers work best.

Also worth checking what’s prompting him to ask - is he doing work about families in school, has it been prompted by playground chat etc because that might give you a way in.