Self harm

[PoppyStellar]

Does anyone have any experience of helping their children with self harming? My DD has recently started lashing out at herself physically when she gets really stressed, anxious and disregulated. There’s been three occasions in the last 2-3 weeks where she’s hit herself deliberately, and repeatedly on her arms, legs and face when she’s at emotional crisis point. I just don’t know how to help her and I’m really worried this will become a pattern of behaviour and a ‘coping’ mechanism for her and could escalate to more extreme self harm like wanting to cut herself.

We have support via ASF and are working with a clinical psychologist (have been for last couple of years) We have a really good relationship and she talks to me about her worries and concerns. There doesn’t seem to be a specific incident or worry that has triggered this new behaviour but we have been doing lots of work on her life story with the CP over last couple of months so I’m guessing this is probably a factor in what’s causing this behaviour.

It’s so tough to see her be so hard on herself. She really struggles to believe she’s good enough (she’s an awesome kid - although I know I’m biased!) and says she always gets things wrong. I know the hitting herself will be linked to not feeling good enough but knowing that objectively is very different to knowing how to help her process her feelings and help her realise she’s as wonderful as I (and others) see her.

I wasn't sure whether to comment on this or not, but can see that noone else has yet so thought you can disregard my post if you wanted to!

I am an adopter not an adoptee. My AC is too young yet for this to be a concern.

I used to self harm. My go to was knifes and blades. I was around 14 when it started and 16 when I stopped.

My triggers were not feeling good enough, feeling of letting people down and also not having a good outlet for being able to express myself. I grew up in a family where you did what the adult said and liked it. That meant I internalised conflict quite heavily. I'm not saying your household is like that. Just what it was like for me.

I wish I could tell you to do "this " and it will stop. I can't though. For me, it had a bit to do with other people noticing and commenting. I really did not do it for attention. So I found it really awful that people would comment on my arms. Also over time I developed my confidence, I also changed friendship group from a destructive group which I think helped. It was really my sense of self worth improving which helped me to stop.

My mom and dad didn't notice for about a year. They handled it completely wrong. I can see why though now I'm a parent. My mom looked to family members for support and one day out of the blue I got a call from my nan asking why I was cutting myself. As blunt as that. I said I'm not and then put down the phone. I didn't need or want that approach. Noone mentioned it again.

If I find my children also self harm, a key element for me will be talking to them about that it is "normal" and I understand, but that there are better ways of letting out the emotion. I have ideas of taking them to a big field and just letting them scream and screaming with them. I'm not sure if that's the therapist approved way though!! I'm also really big on naming emotions and encouraging my BC (5) to tell me he's angry with me. I think because I wasn't allowed this conflict and feel for me this led to it coming out elsewhere.

There's not much advice in this post now I'm reading it back but I wanted to reach out and offer support where I could by sharing my experiences.

@Crechendo that’s immensely helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. We do a lot of naming of emotions, that’s something I’ve learnt through the therapist we’re working with so it’s really good to hear that sounds like it’s a helpful thing to do. I also am working hard on just hearing my daughter’s feelings rather than trying to fix them. (Have learnt through the therapy that i have tendency to want to fix things - stemming from my own childhood - and that actually what we all sometimes need is just that acknowledgement that we have these feelings and that they’re heard by the people who love us)

It sounds as if you are doing everything right - keep listening, keep being there. You can't 'make' her stop the feelings or behaviour, so give yourself permission to not be able to fix things. You are there and supporting her every day, and that is the most important thing. Every positive moment you have with her - and trusting you enough to show her feelings is a positive - is a fraction of an inch towards healing. You are accepting her just as she is, without her having to pretend to be anyone else, and that is the most valuable thing you can do.

I say that as someone who self-harmed as a teenager, and as an adoptive mum whose daughter has gone through phases of hitting herself. We have just had a referral to CAMHS after DD did an internet search at school on how to kill herself. They need to know we can see and hear their feelings and accept and cope with them. That they don't have to be afraid of our reactions or of letting us down.

OP what does your CP say? This is probably something she would be able to explain to you and give you guidance about both from her professional experience and also the fact that she has known your dd for two years?

You don’t say how old your daughter is, my 7 year old will sometimes hit himself if he thinks he’s made a mistake or feels overwhelmed. We help him by naming feelings, of course, but also talking it through after the event. He’s still very young so it’s not a massively reflective process but helping him think of ways he can let us know he’s struggling and giving him other strategies (sometimes things like physical movement, singing and dancing, or quiet time with my DH or I not necessarily talking but just having a lower stimulus environment). Some of it for him is sensory overload so keeping a calm house, having quiet spaces or doing sensory activities can help him regulate his feelings again. We also try to head it off at the pass so to speak, noticing when he’s starting to struggle and calming things before he’s not coping.

Thank you @allington that's really helpful.

@sassygromit good advice re CP, thanks. I have a parent appointment with her this week and will talk to her about it. Felt very out of my depth with this and very fortunate to have access to the CP.

@jellycatspyjamas DD is nearly 11. All those suggestions make perfect sense and are good to have, thank you.

We've had another tough evening but she's opened up to me as to what is really going on. It transpires that there is a specific thing that has happened that has made her feel this way. And now suddenly everything makes sense, and it's clear that the self harm was about a response to this specific thing.

It's been so difficult for her to open up to me but am so proud of her that she could do it.

It is fantastic she opened up to you.

Thank you for replying. If the CP says anything that might be useful in a general sense, please would you share here?

to everyone who has experienced self harm