Do your sons recognise birthdays etc?

[Rosebud2005]

Hi ds is 15 in a couple of weeks. I’ve always bought him presents for his dad, other family members etc. Dh is absolutely hopeless at this. I’ve had very few Mother’s Day gifts or even birthday. So I don’t think ds even recognises when to buy somebody a gift. Is it a teenager thing to not want to buy you anything or has he really not been encouraged enough? Is it to do with me being his new mum? His birth mum is still around but we don’t see her. Am I expecting to much? I’ve never moaned about it but it does hurt. He came to us age seven. I’ve always encouraged him myself. He obviously doesn’t earn wages or anything so I don’t expect him to be buying lots of presents for everybody but he didn’t get me anything for my birthday and again dh didn’t help him with it. I didn’t want to say anything but I did feel upset at this.

In the words of MN, you don't have a DS problem, you have a DH problem.
Even if he doesn't think to do it by himself, your DH absolutely should be encouraging/helping him.

That said, I have always felt ambivalent about Mothers' Day for a similar reason. I have been really upset a couple of times, because all I wanted was a) a card, and b) some acknowledgement by being a bit more helpful than usual (eg offering a cup of tea, or letting me watch my choice of film).

This is one where he needs to be taught and your DH needs to step in. Even if he doesn’t bother for his own sake, he needs to teach your son how to recognise birthdays etc.

With our two we give them pocket money each week and in the run up to Christmas we’ll both take them to buy small gifts for each other and us. My DH takes them to buy things for Mother’s Day and my birthday and I do the same for Father’s Day and his birthday. Birthdays have always been a big deal and they both love their own birthdays, but also can be very anxious.

It’s also worth remembering adopted children can find birthdays difficult because of the reminder of their birth family, and it can throw up issues around adoption etc, so they do need support.

In your shoes I’d be having a conversation with DH explaining how hurtful it is that you are never remembered on birthdays etc and you need him to help your son remember to buy gifts etc both because you want him to care about you, and you want him to follow usual social conventions around holidays and birthdays. This is one of those times where your DHs preference needs to take second place to what your son needs.

I’d be taking your son to buy gifts for holidays, birthdays etc for others and teaching him to mark those day’s because it matters in relationships. I’d also be outright telling DH what I want for Mother’s Day etc.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your loved ones to remember your special days.

But you aren’t his ‘new’ mum, seven years along is not new
I agree he needs to be taught, so either you do it or your DH does.
I’m a single mum, for the first few years my parents helped him to choose ( and paid for) small presents for me.
Once he had pocket money I always made it clear a present was expected. I would take him to a local shop where I bought a lot of presents. I’d show him two or three things within a £5 budget, leave the shop so he could choose and the owner gift wrapped it for him.
Now he’s older, I show him a website, I don’t expect much. I’m happy with a nice handcream or lip balm,. Its the thought.
He’s just got a proper Saturday job though so the budget may have to go up !

Thanks for your replies. At the beginning I never forced it because I knew myself it would be hard for him having left his mum before but yes He has been here a long time now and it attitude when even asking about presents, birthdays is ‘so’? I’ve always encouraged him, always told him what to do, always took him to choose presents. It’s like I never did! I don’t know where I went wrong. He has a new neice and half siblings who he wants to spoil, fair enough but we are his parents, his family are his family and family but gifts for one another. Dh does my head in every time I have this exact conversation. ‘He never asked me for help!’ Same with school/homework or anything else in life - he never asked me! I said there’s no way he’s ever going to ask if you don’t go and talk and approach him and let him know you actually give a damn to talk about! He makes me so angry

I am so sorry. You are husband is badly letting you and your son down. He needs to step up now. It's a really important thing. Find that thing that is very important to him, whatever it is, and just ask how he would feel if that never happened.

Sorry, your husband.