Making mum friends...

[Jannt86]

So it might sound lame but I'm feeling quite isolated at the moment I don't regret adopting my LG for a second and I absolutely adore her but I'm just struggling right now...

A bit of background. We adopted our 2.5YO as a baby and she's an utter delight. She's bright and funny and I genuinely love spending time with her. However, she can be very defiant at times and does it in a much quieter way I feel than a lot of kids her age. She doesn't tantrum much she just makes everything an absolute chore even just getting out the house to do things even she wants like going to the park. I can't really put my finger on how she makes it so difficult but I can say that I feel as she's leaving that baby phase I'm losing my mojo a bit and just doubting myself with discipline etc. I think a lot of this is to do with everything that we are taught about therapeutic parenting and I do totally agree with it but I also think it makes us more anxious to do the right thing which in turn ironically can make the more conscienscious of us so anxious that we doubt ourselves and become irritable and sometimes end up being less than therapeutic if that makes sense. Like I say a lot of what she does is very low level and as such difficult to really deal with. I could deal with tantrums but how exactly DO you deal therapeutically with constant opposition and making things quietly difficult? If she isn't literally refusing to do something she's whining or crying and pulling at the heartstrings. If anyone gets what I mean and has children with similar personality types I'd love to hear your ideas lol.

I think another part of the low point is the obvious isolation from lockdown. Before lockdown I loved to take her to baby groups etc and it broke up our day. We still go to the park etc but I'm finding it really difficult to keep her amused atm as well and losing my mojo with that a bit too. She plays really well and with a variety of things (physical/imaginative/puzzles) and I do try to be child led but I just find I'm running out of ideas how to expand on what we are already doing (eg she likes to have 'tea parties' and of course I will try and talk as much about what we're doing and make suggestions like milk and sugar etc but I don't really know where to take it from there if that makes sense) Perhaps the repetition is fine and she will find her own ways of getting what she needs to out of these games but I feel like even though I'm there with her I'm not doing enough to make it stimulating. It doesn't help that I don't really have any mum friends. I've tried to be as friendly as I can at baby groups and even with my adoption training group and despite being really quite shy I feel like I've always been the one putting myself out there but it just never amounts to anything and a lot of the time I have to really shake the feeling that I'm being 'snubbed'. I don't really feel I can count on family either. I won't go into exactly what happened but something awful happened with DH's side of the family which led to our adoption placement being in jeaprody through no fault of our own. We do still talk but things are still strained and probably always will be and I'm still very much traumatised by it all. My own family live quite a way away so particularly during lockdown seeing them is impossible.

Sorry for the rant. Like I say I'm just at quite a low point and trying to find ways out. I just think if I could regain my confidence in my parenting style and have at least one friend that I could rant to and understood how lonely this sometimes is and could meet up with me to break that loneliness then I'd be much happier. I don't know what help I can get from writing this post really but if I could just get some recommendations for good TP resources or ways to keep playtime fresh with my girl or suggestions on any ways to make meaningful friendships with other mums then that'd be really helpful. Thanks xx

I really feel for you. It's so hard at the moment for people at home with young children. We are in the adoption process so I can't help much with TP advice, although I find with my two BC that playfulness helps with getting them to go along with things more easily. This doesn't come naturally to me so I understand how exhausting it can all be. I really enjoyed Philippa Perry's book 'The book you wish your parents had read'. I think her approach is very similar to TP but the book is not specifically aimed at adoptive parents. It was less heavy to read than some of the TP ones and I found it useful for my parenting.

Mum friends will come. I'm sorry it's been a struggle so far. Nursery and school can make this easier in my experience.

I'm loving that play areas are still open this time round. If there's one near your house perhaps you could strike up conversation with another mum there?! I know what you mean about feeling snubbed but please don't take it personally. It may be that people have other things going on. Don't let it put you off being friendly. You'll eventually find someone you click with. Do you have anyone's contact details from any of the groups you used to attend? It might be worth a brave text? There may well be others feeling similar to you who would appreciate you getting in touch?

It's such a rubbish time to try to connect with new people. I also found toddler groups tough but persevered in trying to find the right ones as I just felt it was better for us to be out the house. Some were very welcoming, some felt a bit closed and cliquey and some were somewhere in between where it feels like you have to put a lot of effort in.

My DS has just started school and that has made things easier to some extent as we are there at the school gate waiting for our children at the same time every day. Suddenly people are more invested in making connections than they ever were in the shifting sands of toddler groups. Before lockdown a few of us would go to the park after school. But without Covid there would be far more of that and I am sure the playdates and birthday parties would follow, but it's just not happening at the moment.

Do you have any Facebook groups in your area that are for parents with young children? Even just a what's on kind of group? It's not necessarily a direct route to making friends but if you start interacting there you will be in the loop for any activities that do come up. I appreciate that a lot of groups are online now, which is fairly rubbish for little ones, or just not running. Have you contacted your children's centre? They might have something online, and certain support groups are allowed to meet in person. Does your post-adoption support offer anything? Even if they could put you in touch with another adopter for phone calls that would give you someone to chat to. I think in your position I'd try to be outside as much as possible while the weather still allows. There has been a very successful buggy walk and talk group operating in my town over the last few months. I don't think walking groups are allowed at the moment, but I would imagine they will be in a couple of weeks so if your daughter is happy in a buggy you could put it out on Facebook to see if anyone is interested in a walk and talk.

When my son is being tricky (low level not full on tantrum) I say something like “you’re crossing your arms instead of putting on your coat, I can see you don’t want to go to the playground right now. I understand, sometimes I’m not sure how I feel about things too. However we are going to go to the playground now and you can put your coat on yourself or I can help you like I did when you were a baby.” He is absolutely OUTRAGED I’d treat him like a baby (he’s two haha) and then gets a move on.

So verbalize what they’re doing, say what it means, empathise, use boundary and offer to help them do what you need done.

My son came home during lockdown and he can’t do groups (he’s too anxious). I talk a lot to random mothers in playgrounds with children of a similar age and have had lots of play dates and new friendships from it. Kids make it easy to strike up conversations.

I went through all this with loneliness. All I can say is it slowly got better and now the handful of friends we have are solid ones. You just have to keep going because you don’t meet them indoors. I met one person on one of the mums apps, a bit through nursery, some in the park, adoption groups etc. Not sure what to suggest about the lockdown. My son was also exactly like your child. I could cry my eyes out getting ready. We did the Great Behaviour Breakdown course (named after the book by Bryan Post) which has been really helpful. Bryan is also on Facebook at The Post Institute. How much is your partner doing? We agreed I needed a morning and afternoon to myself per week for my sanity. It can be hard and lonely at the beginning, hang in there!

I do try to be child led but I just find I'm running out of ideas how to expand on what we are already doing (eg she likes to have 'tea parties' and of course I will try and talk as much about what we're doing and make suggestions like milk and sugar etc

What happens if you pull out a new game or activity, being child led is great, but children also need to be shown new things. Could you set up hand painting or messy play or a different type of toy that she might play with?

In terms of therapeutic parenting, it’s really just parenting - all the principles of focussing on relationship are important for all children, but so are boundaries. It’s ok to tell your child they need to do X, or that Y behaviour isn’t ok, you might find you’re almost being too tentative in being child led which leaves her with more power than she’s developmentally able to cope with hence the outright refusal and low level grumbling.

I’d have a rough plan for the day - eg out for a walk in the morning, home for lunch, nap, activity in the afternoon. Make a visual for her with pictures so she can see what the day brings. Make her choices small (we can have a tea party or play with paint), be playful in moving her through the day - I still race my two to get dressed, eat breakfast etc if they’re on a go slow. Don’t underestimate the need for time looking at books, doing jigsaws or watching cartoons with mum. You don’t need to stimulate her all the time, and realistically you can’t be therapeutic in your parenting all the time. Suzanne Zeedyk has some really good stuff on the importance of rupture and repair in parenting relationships, you won’t damage her by being firm or setting boundaries, quite the opposite.

It’s hard when you have no framework for what’s good enough (which is the standard to aim for - not perfection), and you feel unsure. Parenting changes as they get older and this is one of those transitions, being so reflective will stand you in good stead.

if she isn't literally refusing to do something she's whining or crying and pulling at the heartstrings.

What do you do when she does this? I’d tend to respond to whining and crying by offering comfort, while also saying something like “I know this is hard/you don’t want to do X, but we need to go out (I think you’ll enjoy this game or whatever) and then get on with it. It’s ok for children to be unhappy or upset, they need to learn how to tolerate negative feelings and they do that by learning that feelings pass (with comfort and support). If you stop doing whatever because she cries or whines, she’ll learn she can control you when what she really needs is a parent who is steady and in control. That doesn’t mean being dictatorial, but she needs to know what’s up for negotiation and what isn’t.

My LG has been home for 3 mths so early days but I can already relate to the discipline side of things as she is starting to test her boundaries but also as she's still settling in, im so conscious of trying to read into what's behind the behavior. I have found the PACE model really helpful and the 'playful' aspect especially if she doesn't want to do something and making it into a game.
The meeting Mum friends is difficult at the moment. I'm on adoption leave and before this lockdown I did manage a couple of classes but it's difficult to chat when you're sat on your mat with a mask on. I don't have the confidence to strike up a conversation in the park. Happy to message if you'd like too. My LG is a similar age.