Adult adoptees with siblings here please?

[Jellybearlovescake]

I'm wondering if anyone here experienced being the adopted child into a family with birth children, and if so how you felt about it growing up and now? I have a birth son and an adopted daughter, they have an amazingly close relationship and life is good at the moment. I treat the children differently just because they have different needs, not because one is birth and one adopted- But I'm feeling horribly guilty that she will feel like the odd one out when shes older and resent the fact that her brother looks identical to me. I've been considering adopting again just so that she has someone in the family who can share her experience but my husband is against the idea because they are school age now and I'm back at work, life is moving on from the toddler stage and he doesn't want to go back. I might be over thinking it and I'm trying to build a network of adopter friends but it just feels wrong that shes the only person in the family who was adopted and I dont know whether to keep nagging DH to consider starting the process again. So would be really interested to hear anyone experiences if you don't mind sharing

Sorry I just realised that was really long OP!

I don't have any advice but maybe this will bump it for you. It might be useful to explain further why the children are treated differently. Also why you feel like she might feel the way you worry she will. I hope you get some advice from others.

Thanks I mean I just treat them differently because one has ASD and learning difficulties, different ages, different gender etc. So they cant both do everything exactly the same, not that I favour one child over another in any way. I feel this way because my sister had a baby recently and my AD has found it really triggering, can't bear to look at baby pictures because we dont have any of her as a newborn. Which made me start thinking how it could feel for her as she grows up. We have no other relatives in the family who are adopted to identify with, I dont know if it will make her sad and feel different

I understand that must be so tricky for all of you. If it helps at all you sound like you're doing a great job. Being so aware of how everyone might be feeling. I agree with you that finding a support network for all of you would be great. Someone who can relate to her and people you can speak to as well. Have you spoken to the adoption team (sorry not sure of the correct term to use) at all?

Following as we are waiting for a match now and have a birth son already!

I have adopted - and don’t have any biological children. So I can’t comment from the perspective of an adoptee.

However, I think it is how you treat your kids as to whether or not they will feel the odd one out. My brother and I have a tricky relationship because I have always felt my DM prefers my brother - I have always felt left out and side lined. She always sides with my brother - even now we are in our 40s.

I don’t think biology has much to do with it.

And if your little family is settled - I would seriously think of keeping it that way and just the 4 of you. We adopted a second time and it turned out previously happy and content family upside down. We are only now coming through the other end but it has been four very tough years. Don’t underestimate what bringing another child into the family can do - our DS1 felt as though he was being usurped...and the jealousy and rage that came with it was something I wasn’t prepared for. Our DS1 now gets on with DS2 but it has been hellish at times...and at one point I could really understand how adoptions breakdown.

I think what I am saying is - don’t adopt again for the reasons you say above. Adopt because it feels right for your whole family.

Good luck with your decision.

Thank you it's really good to hear that perspective. It's taken a long time to get this settled, years where I couldn't work, of battling for diagnosis, specialist school etc now everything does seem to have fallen into place (for now anyway!). I suppose its easy to start imagining with rose tinted glasses just how a new little one would slot in

I'm an adoptee with a sibling who was also adopted and another sibling who was my parents' birth child. It would irritate me when relatives would comment on the birth sibling having the 'Smith' family nose etc feeling that was highlighting that we didn't. I always felt a bit alien like as a child, as in I could have ended up anywhere with any random family where as any non adopted person never understands that. Birth sibling was hugely favoured by one parent which was very difficult too.

That does sound a bit doom and gloom, sorry! I was very close to adopted sibling as a child and have good relationships with both now.

@vjg13 thank you and not doom and gloom, that's exactly the kind of thing I want to understand better. Is there anything that would have made you feel more connected to your family, I always try and point out similarities rather than differences between us because I am conscious that my birth son looks so similar to me

I think family dynamics and relationships are very complex even before you bring adoption into it. My parents never went with the " we wanted you and that's we picked you out of everyone" type of narrative which may have helped.

Following as I have a BC aged 5 and considering adoption. I feel it would be fine whilst they were younger but again I'm curious how relationships develop as the children get older.

I hope you don't mind me commenting. I'm not an adoptee but I do have two adopted siblings as well as one birth sibling.

I would have to say that I don't get the impression that it has particularly helped my adopted siblings to have a sibling who was also adopted because they each had (and have) an entirely different experience of it. Whereas one has not come to terms with his adoption to this day and picks at it like an open wound, the other (seemingly, at least) found his peace with it as a child. If anything, I suspect their shared adoption has perhaps even made matters worse for the resentful one since having a comparison has make them feel even more of an outsider. That has been compounded as they have got older. The accepting one, for example, has been enthralled to find all his kids have one particular inherited trait (which he doesn't have, nor his wife's family) whereas the resentful one has struggled and felt increasingly lost on becoming a parent. It is a sad situation, but I really don't think them both being adopted has been any help.

My adopted sibling did have a different childhood adoption experience to me and was much more accepting of it as a child than I was. As adults though, we share very similar viewpoints and both of us are in contact with birth relatives.

@MacavityTheDentistsCat that's helpful thank you for sharing

My experience is slightly different than your family's one as I was adopted first and thereafter my parents had two birth children. I am sorry that this will be negative, but I have always had a difficult time - mostly due to my parents' mishandling of the entire situation in that they feel as though they treated me the same as my siblings throughout childhood, but in reality I was always held to a different (higher) standard of expectation than my siblings. My sister was/is my mother's clear favourite, and my brother was/is my father's favourite. As an example of this I desperately wanted to change my major in university after first year, which would have cost around 10k. I won't go into the gory details but I was very unwell mentally. My parents refused, and coerced me into continuing the course. Three years later my sister decided she didn't like her major (no mental health issues) and they paid thousands for her to transfer to another course, no problem. This and many other examples like this one lead to a lot of resentment.

It has led to a difficult situation as an adult, I don't have a particularly close relationship with my siblings, albeit perhaps because I have children and neither of them do. They are very close with one another. It doesn't help that I look nothing like my family and am completely different to all four of them in interests and temperament.

I'm sorry, this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I do feel as though you as the parent have the chance to position your children's experience in such a way that you can ensure you treat both of them the same. The fact you are even here asking this question means you are aware of the potential issues which is wonderful. I wouldn't adopt another child in your situation, just be a loving mother (which you clearly already are) to both of your children.

This went on a bit, sorry!

@MilkyMum23 I'm so sorry you had that experience, my husband experiences something similar with his sister (she is the clear favourite and always has been). It affects him in more ways than they will ever realise. Thank you for sharing your experience. In terms of money etc the children have always had equal savings accounts and I would never treat them differently in that way, at least that's something I can consciously be aware of. And I try to spend one to one time with each of them, doing the things they are interested in as individuals I hope this will be enough