Questions to ask ourselves as potential adopters?

[melon301]

Hello everyone!

My DH and I are pre-stage 1 and still gathering information alongside having important discussions together. I was wondering if any of you with experience of the adoption process could suggest discussion points or questions for us to work through together, things you yourselves have been asked or asked of your partner?

I've got a (growing!) list I can add them too - poor DH doesn't know yet that this is coming ;) But I think it's really important for us to have these candid conversations and unpack all our feelings together, openly.

To be honest, the assessment process will throw up most of what you need to look at. You also need to know that your thoughts about an issue (eg money or discipline or education) are fine in theory but will change through the process and certainly post placement as you find yourself adjusting to parenting the child you have rather than the child you thought you might have.

I’d say the most important things at this stage are openness, honesty and flexibility - knowing that what you say about X now nay very well change once you have a child in front of you.

What kind of things are already on your list, so folk have an idea of the things you’re thinking about.

@Jellycatspyjamas

To be honest, the assessment process will throw up most of what you need to look at. You also need to know that your thoughts about an issue (eg money or discipline or education) are fine in theory but will change through the process and certainly post placement as you find yourself adjusting to parenting the child you have rather than the child you thought you might have.

I’d say the most important things at this stage are openness, honesty and flexibility - knowing that what you say about X now nay very well change once you have a child in front of you.

What kind of things are already on your list, so folk have an idea of the things you’re thinking about.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas - it's a long list! :) Just some questions for us to ask ourselves and then discuss together as I feel like DH has thought about it all in theory but not actually started to work out how it will work practically!

Why do I want to adopt?
How will I talk to my child/ren about their life story?
How much contact would I like with their birth family?
How will I cope with behavioural issues like breaking plates or cups?
How will I make time for my spouse?
What do I think the first year will look like?
If we are both stuck in the office, who will be able to fetch the child/ren?
If this happens three times in a row, who would still be able to fetch them?
If we need to travel for an emergency, who will the child/ren stay with?
What do I envision our evening meal times to look like?
How will we put the child/ren to bed?
What sort of discipline would I use?
How will I cope if my child/ren are not affectionate?
How will I cope if my child/ren do not call me Mom/Dad, rather by first name?
What lifestyle changes am I willing to make to bring a child/ren into our lives?
What lifestyle changes am I NOT willing to make to bring a child/ren into our lives?

And to be fair a lot of those questions are ones ANY future parent could be asking of themselves, adopting or whatever :)

If we are both stuck in the office, who will be able to fetch the child/ren?
If this happens three times in a row, who would still be able to fetch them?

You need to add to that:
If there is any chance that both of us will get stuck in the office in the first few years, we need to discuss one of us changing jobs or giving up work or working part-time.

Not every child will react the same way but from experience I would say that last minute changes to pickups (as your child won't be forewarned) can produce meltdowns the like of which you have never seen before. DS once cried because my sister, who he loves, arrived at at nursery instead of my mum as arranged (in fact she was just coming to drop something off with my mum). Full on meltdown was only averted by my mum arriving as planned. And this was several years after placement.

Out of interest what changes to your lifestyle are our line in the sand? And what happens if a year in this has to happen? Social workers will be concerned about any cast iron rules.

I had a preference (at matching) for no baby with extreme prematurity. Matched with a child born at 26 weeks and 980grams with global delays!

I think some of your questions are slightly overthinking it at this stage. You will be advised to follow the current routines a child already has for example and that will in large part dictate meal and bedtimes.

In terms of discipline, I think the majority of social workers advise on using a therapeutic parenting approach and all social workers will expect you to refrain from using smacking or any other form of physical chastisement.

The vast majority of post adoption contact with birth family is indirect and done using letterbox. You might have a chance to have a one off meeting with birth parents and you might be expected to agree to facilitate direct contact with other siblings who have also been adopted.

Adopters get given a list of things they will and won't consider as part of the assessment process. Some are easy to do. For example we live in a house with stairs so a child with mobility issues likely to require a wheelchair is a no because of that. Other issues require much more information for example if a child has a skin condition.

If you haven't already, I would advise reading up on the long term effects of childhood trauma, attachment issues and foetal alcohol syndrome.

How will I talk to my child/ren about their life story?
How much contact would I like with their birth family?
How will I cope with behavioural issues like breaking plates or cups?
How will I make time for my spouse?
What do I think the first year will look like?

These are the kind of things that are very child dependent. You may have a child who tolerates child care, you might have a child who really doesn’t, you might have a child with no behavioural issues, you might have a child who really struggles and it comes out in their behaviour. You’ll find that first year will look very different to how you thought it would - parenting a small child while trying to build a relationship with them is very very hard with huge adjustments for you and your partner and, most importantly, the child.

In my experience it’s worth having lots of options in terms of work for you and your partner. By the time we were matched with our children we had built in lots of flexibility including one of us being part time and one of us being able to stop working for a time if need be. At the moment I’d focus on things like how flexible can I be, building a good support network for me and my partner in terms of emotional support - the practical supports often look very different to how you think they will, the folk I thought would be helpful weren’t and I’ve got support from really unexpected places.

It’s so normal to want to plan and think through what your life with children might look like, as long as you understand it may look nothing like that. So much of what you’ve listed is honestly out of your control and is part of the adjustment that comes with adoption.

I had a 6 year old who wasn’t reliably toilet trained - I didn’t think my first year would feature endless laundry (17 changes of clothes on one particularly stressful day). I’m not the mum I thought I would be and have had to let go of some of those expectations. I wouldn’t change my children or the life I have with them for anything, but it’s not what I thought it would be.

Good luck with the process, it’s absolutely worth it.

If we are both stuck in the office, who will be able to fetch the child/ren?
If this happens three times in a row, who would still be able to fetch them?
If we need to travel for an emergency, who will the child/ren stay with?

Just another thought. It’s hard to imagine just how much your priorities will change when you introduce children into the mix. Being stuck in the office three days in a row just isn’t an option for me, so where at one point I would have been the one staying until X project was finished, I now focus on my work during the day and leave on time.

I might get caught in something from time to time but being stuck regularly tells me my work life needs to change.

You’re trying to preempt changes to your lifestyle when actually there are changes that will feel much more necessary and changes you’ll want to make, because you’ll have children.

wow, that’s a very comprehensive list !

Its great you are putting so much thought to it, but I agree with previous posters, particularly about having as much flexibilty as possible.

A couple of things stand out for me though

Both being stuck in the office - sounds to me like an assumption that both of you will go back to the office full time. What if you can’t go back to work full time? If thats your aim then you need to think carefully about childcare so your child has consistency. Schools don’t much like random people collecting children either.
What thought have you given to school holidays, teacher days, snow days etc.

If a child has behaviourial issues breaking cups and plates might be the least of your worries. What about physical/verbal aggression towards you, possibly violent behaviour? My son caused a lot more damage to the house than a few cups and plates.

alongside discipline - absolutely look into theraputic parenting.

I think its absolutely normal and natural to think about what kind of parents you want to be. If you have a birth child, you get a baby, who you can influence from day 2. You don’t get that with adopted children, who could be a toddler or older when they get to you. My son was nearly 8, he had his own interests, knew his own mind - fortunately our interests coincided. But like jellycats I wouldn’t change a thing but its not what I thought it would be.

Thanks for all the comments everyone, really appreciate you all taking the time to respond! We're definitely going to be as flexible as possible and are planning for me to take a year off work at least, and even then only go back part-time if that is feasible. Most of the work-related questions are just 'What Ifs' and may never be the case, but we do need a plan-of-sorts if they DO arise. So it's more a case of thinking through hypothetical scenarios and seeing how we think we'd each respond.

It sounds to me as though you are wanting to ensure that you have been open and honest with each other about your thoughts on all aspects of adoptive parenting - which is a great thing to want, and a good way to be preparing yourselves. Just an idea; rather than firing questions at each other, perhaps you could pick some adoption related books to read simultaneously and discuss the thoughts and feelings that they spark in you as you go along? For example, Sally Donovan 'No Matter What' is very readable, and would easily throw up discussions about lots of the things on your list.

I echo Ted and Jellys (and probably one or two other posters whom I’ve not named here) about the overriding attribute you need as you progress through the world of adoption is flexibility so I really wouldn’t be tying yourself up in knots. Visualise yourself as boxers in the ring, with the blows raining down on you, how can you remain nimble and upright and doge the onslaught while planning your moves 13 steps ahead. Try not to be too hidebound by a comprehensive list of what-ifs as you can guarantee that if you had 237 on your sheet of paper, problem 238 would soon be along to floor you, closely followed by the machine-gun fire of 239, 240 etc etc.

I do think it’s important to get your ducks in a row ie how adoption-friendly are your finances and housing situation if one or other of you is unable to return to work (a very common scenario as our children are very needs-heavy and this can continue in different ways throughout their infancy, childhood and teenage years and into adulthood).

Your comment about broken cups and plates made me smile in a wry sort of way (I’m sincerely not laughing at you, I hasten to add) as I would gladly swap the extreme stealing - anything of value unless its nailed down - aggression, violence, constant verbal abuse and horrifically poor body hygiene of my preteen for a cupboard-full of broken china.

What I would advise is for you to read, read, read everything you can get your hands on about adoption and the lifelong issues adopted children and young people face and so why they need a different style of parenting. If you join AdoptionUK, you can borrow books from their extensive library free of charge (they post them to your home address and you simply pay a contribution towards the postal charges).

Good luck!

@Custardslice3

It sounds to me as though you are wanting to ensure that you have been open and honest with each other about your thoughts on all aspects of adoptive parenting - which is a great thing to want, and a good way to be preparing yourselves. Just an idea; rather than firing questions at each other, perhaps you could pick some adoption related books to read simultaneously and discuss the thoughts and feelings that they spark in you as you go along? For example, Sally Donovan 'No Matter What' is very readable, and would easily throw up discussions about lots of the things on your list.

Thanks @Custardslice3! We've read 'How I Met My Son' which is excellent, I'll look for the one you've recommended

Hello OP, I am an adult adoptee, now with biological dc, and so come at this from the other end, so to speak.

I think the main things to consider would be:

• are you willing and able to do what is necessary to help a child recover from developmental trauma?
• will you be able to get to know a child inside out and help them fulfil their unique potential?
• will you be able to connect and be loving, possibly without receiving anything back for as long as that is needed?

I think you might find this video really interesting and helpful - there are many speakers who are considered experts in this area, and it talks right through from reasons for trauma to helping a child heal:

This will definitely be brought up during the process - how will you cope if your child is affected by FAS or a combination of alcohol & drugs in the womb.

[quote sassygromit]Hello OP, I am an adult adoptee, now with biological dc, and so come at this from the other end, so to speak.

I think the main things to consider would be:

• are you willing and able to do what is necessary to help a child recover from developmental trauma?
• will you be able to get to know a child inside out and help them fulfil their unique potential?
• will you be able to connect and be loving, possibly without receiving anything back for as long as that is needed?

I think you might find this video really interesting and helpful - there are many speakers who are considered experts in this area, and it talks right through from reasons for trauma to helping a child heal:

[/quote] Thank you so much for sharing this @sassygromit x

@melon301 hi and welcome.

I'm a mum to a teenager by birth and a 10 year old by adoption.

I just wanted to ask if you are in the USA? Because you used the word 'mom'.

If you adopting in the USA (or anywhere outside UK) you may find some of the answers here are a bit different. Still useful and valid but stuff like 'birth family contact' looks different even in different parts of the UK, and may be different again in USA.

I'd personally start with ' why do we want to adopt'? Is having birth children an option? If so, have you discounted that option?

I am a big fan of adoption but it's good to explore all issues/potential outcomes etc, so you are doing an excellent job of thinking it through.

@Italiangreyhound

‘mom’ is quite common in some parts of England, particularly in the West Midlands

Well I am always happy to be wrong!