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Original poster

Frustration with pre-stage 1

35 replies

frankiet861 · 09/11/2020 12:07

Hello everyone! My partner and I are just beginning the process of (hopefully) adopting and we are in the pre-stage 1 stage. We are finding it pretty frustrating for a few reasons and I wanted to see if anyone had some advice or a similar experience?

We attended an information evening for a particular agency a few weeks ago now, and then immediately after this we followed up and said we wanted to go ahead with the process. We had to wait another two weeks for a call with the enquiries officer and it was a really nice call where we spoke about our reasons for wanting to adopt etc. After that we were sent a matching form where you talk about your thoughts about the type of child you have thought about being matched with, which we filled in, and sent back. They said if they decided we could go forward then we would need to wait another 3 weeks for an interview with the enquiries manager, and then after that they would decide whether or not we could go onto stage 1.

We then had to wait a week for a result and then they called us and said we couldn't have an initial interview at this time because I have two counselling sessions left (which would be over before the 3 weeks that we had to wait for this interview was up - i have two sessions left and it's CBT to help with a trauma we suffered earlier this year) and also that some of our answers on the matching form were not what they were looking for (ie. we had specified a gender and an age).

At no point before this did they indicate to us that they were looking for adopters who were open to both genders (which we are, the form just asked for our preferences so we indicated our preference) and age (same). Their feedback to us was that we should go and do more reading and then fill in the form again. Even as I'm typing this I'm annoyed, surely they should just tell us what they are looking for if it's specific and then if that is not acceptable to us we won't move forward? Rather than making us go through this whole process.

So I contacted another agency, and we had a call and filled in the form again. Then they came back saying that they were concerned about the lack of experience with kids that my partner has. Totally fair enough. So we've arranged to look after our niece and nephew more but we have to wait till February now to have another initial call and then another assessment process and then wait another 6 weeks to be accepted onto stage 1. And I asked how we should document our time with our niece and nephew and they said "oh you don't need to do that" so I feel like we could have just said that we had that experience and got it in the meantime and got an interview sooner.

Now we are trying another agency and again they have taken two weeks to come back to us, and we have a call with a social worker this week. I asked for a time and they couldn't give us one, just that it will be at some point on Wednesday and if we don't hear then to contact them.

At every single point through all of these experiences, the agency has taken 5 days or longer to reply to our emails, and yet we have been asked to respond within 48 hours or even sooner because appointments get booked up etc. Which I understand, but is this dynamic like this throughout the whole thing? Just a one way street where you are beholden to the agency the entire time?

I really do understand that this process needs to be child focused, and the focus isn't on us and our feelings, I get that. At the same time, it feels like they think they are doing us a favour by spending the time considering us or answering our queries. This is the biggest thing we will ever do and I think I just expected more of a personal and more sort of ... just a kinder response/process. It feels like you have to jump through hoops for things like arranging a phone call. I understand most other parts of this process will require a lot of work but surely this admin bit shouldn't be so hard?

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm just so frustrated at this point and it feels like we aren't going to get anywhere. And we haven't even started yet. Also when you look up adoption, it always says the process takes 6 months and it definitely does not. If anyone has any similar experiences or any advice we would really appreciate it. Thank you smile

OP posts:
Ted27 · 09/11/2020 12:31

@frankiet861

as frustrating as it is, you are going to have to develop some patience if you are going to get through this process.
6 months is a guideline, not an absolute, there could be all sorts of things which may mean it takes longer.
Social services have been hard pressed for a long time, with the pandemic many are overwhelmed.
You need to pick an agency, stick with it and start to develop a relationship with them.

It will happen, just give it some time

percypetulant · 09/11/2020 12:52

The admin part is pretty frustrating. This is what it's like. It sucks, yes.

Adopters need tenacity, and the process tests that, certainly.

Original poster
frankiet861 · 09/11/2020 13:42

[quote Ted27]@frankiet861

as frustrating as it is, you are going to have to develop some patience if you are going to get through this process.
6 months is a guideline, not an absolute, there could be all sorts of things which may mean it takes longer.
Social services have been hard pressed for a long time, with the pandemic many are overwhelmed.
You need to pick an agency, stick with it and start to develop a relationship with them.

It will happen, just give it some time[/quote]
Thank you @Ted27 I needed to hear this.

I knew it would take longer than 6 months, I just wasn't anticipating it taking 8 weeks to enter another 8 week pre-stage before stage 1. But I totally agree with everything you've said, thank you for taking the time to respond Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
frankiet861 · 09/11/2020 13:43

@percypetulant

The admin part is pretty frustrating. This is what it's like. It sucks, yes.

Adopters need tenacity, and the process tests that, certainly.

@percypetulant this is good to know, I thought it was just us! Thank you for responding I really appreciate it
OP posts:
Ted27 · 09/11/2020 13:56

@frankiet861

it took me 4 years, most people feel better after I’ve said that !

Its a rare adopter who gets through it in 6 months, most people are delayed somewhere along the way.

Many SWs are part time, and are often thin on the ground over school holidays - something you tend not to take into account until you do have a child and your life runs around term dates

percypetulant · 09/11/2020 14:34

Try and relax into it. Enjoy every private toilet trip, every full night's sleep!

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/11/2020 15:39

It can rage a long time, the 6 month target is for the start to end of homestudy and it can often take longer. It sounds like they know they don’t have capacity to get you through in 6 months so are delaying starting the process which may not feel fair but is reflective of resourcing in services just now.

In terms of matching, I’d be as wide as you possibly can be - when they ask for preferences they mean what you’d be ok with so at this early stage I’d be looking for people who are open to either gender and a range of ages and abilities because I need to have a good chance of matching at the end of the process and narrow preferences may suggest a lack of understanding about adoption and the children waiting to be placed.

I’d echo building a good relationship with one agency and following up with them. It’s a long process, and at the moment I know adoption and fostering social workers may be redeployed to cover child protection work or provide duty cover for more immediate concerns so the teams will be running short.

Lots of patience needed I’m afraid.

Original poster
frankiet861 · 09/11/2020 17:42

Thank you all, this is so helpful and I feel so much better about this.

I know I need to be patient I was just so frustrated this morning by it all but this advice is so good and practical. We will be more open with our choices and more patient with the agencies! Thank you again for taking the time :)

OP posts:
Ted27 · 09/11/2020 17:54

@frankiet861

believe me - we’ve all been there

percypetulant · 09/11/2020 19:15

It's absolutely not just you, and it's not personal. Adopters are the least priority, and are expected to put up and be grateful. ("Don't you know, we're giving you a child?!") It's a very difficult dynamic, and I think good social workers know that, and do their best to make it less obvious. Very bad social workers can use this dynamic very badly. I've experienced both, sadly. I choose to believe we were very unlucky, and this is rare.

Good luck. It's worth the hoop jumping, and the wait, I promise.

Original poster
frankiet861 · 10/11/2020 08:50

@Ted27 @percypetulant thank you - it's exactly this. Last night now they cancelled another call we were due to have this week (the one with the unspecified time) and have said I have to email back in a week. It's so good to know it's not just us. And exactly what percypetulant said, it's this sort of attitude that we need to be grateful, which of course we really are, I guess it's just not the dynamic I expected.

I honestly feel so much better about it, I was worried about posting on here but I'm so glad I did. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
PaintedLadyWBB · 10/11/2020 09:07

I understand your frustration, as I am sure a lot of other adopters do too. It is not uncommon throughout the whole process to experience delays, set backs, broken promises from social workers. It is unfortunately part of it. I know from experience that we have had to fight constantly to be accepted onto stage one with many different agencies. It all worked out in the end but it took us over 5 years. The great thing about it is that every fight and every set back creates resilience and agencies love that. Just keep at it but do prepare yourself for more set backs and delays. Patience is a virtue

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/11/2020 09:50

And exactly what percypetulant said, it's this sort of attitude that we need to be grateful, which of course we really are, I guess it's just not the dynamic I expected.

This early in the process it tends to be more about seeing how resilient you are. For lots of good reasons there are tasks that take priority over new adoption enquires especially at the moment. In saying that, they do seem to be pushing you away so it may be worth looking for another agency or the local authority because if they’re this poor at the outset the chances are it won’t improve going forward.

Through matching and placement I definitely had a sense of being the very bottom of the pike, because we were at least getting a child - not from my SW or the children’s’ social worker but from folk involved in planning matching, intros etc. It’s a long process but these folk don’t sound too interested in taking things forward so maybe see who else is out there?

Original poster
frankiet861 · 10/11/2020 10:02

@PaintedLadyWBB

I understand your frustration, as I am sure a lot of other adopters do too. It is not uncommon throughout the whole process to experience delays, set backs, broken promises from social workers. It is unfortunately part of it. I know from experience that we have had to fight constantly to be accepted onto stage one with many different agencies. It all worked out in the end but it took us over 5 years. The great thing about it is that every fight and every set back creates resilience and agencies love that. Just keep at it but do prepare yourself for more set backs and delays. Patience is a virtue
This is really good to know (of course I don't mean I'm pleased it was such a battle for you to enter stage one). I've read a lot about how difficult the whole process is and I think I was expecting the difficulty to be around matching and the emotional journey, not the sort of admin side and even being accepted. We thought we would be ideal candidates (I don't mean to sound big-headed when I say that) and we were just a bit disappointed that they don't seem to tell you what they are looking for but expect you to lay that out on the table. Which I understand but then they tell you that you've given the wrong answers and I just wonder if they could have told you what they were looking for in the first place! Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it a lot, it's very helpful
OP posts:
Etihad · 10/11/2020 10:04

Patience is a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.

Everything you describe sounds pretty typical, I think most of us have been there. I started to think it was all a deliberate of the process to help us prepare for the more stressful parts of parenting. Just smile and nod, and jump through all the hoops - it’s worth it in the end Smile

Original poster
frankiet861 · 10/11/2020 10:07

@Jellycatspyjamas

And exactly what percypetulant said, it's this sort of attitude that we need to be grateful, which of course we really are, I guess it's just not the dynamic I expected.

This early in the process it tends to be more about seeing how resilient you are. For lots of good reasons there are tasks that take priority over new adoption enquires especially at the moment. In saying that, they do seem to be pushing you away so it may be worth looking for another agency or the local authority because if they’re this poor at the outset the chances are it won’t improve going forward.

Through matching and placement I definitely had a sense of being the very bottom of the pike, because we were at least getting a child - not from my SW or the children’s’ social worker but from folk involved in planning matching, intros etc. It’s a long process but these folk don’t sound too interested in taking things forward so maybe see who else is out there?

This is all really good to know thank you, and I totally get there are other things that would take priority especially right now. This is the third agency now and we are so frustrated by it all. And I could deal with all of that but the attitude on it, I just can't understand it. Well I can, like you said there are other priorities, but I think when you are dealing with people who are approaching an adoption agency it takes a lot to do that in the first place and to just be so dismissive is something I can't understand, and I think that's what i'm struggling with. But it sounds like this is a bit par for the course too, which I didn't realise previously, so that is actually quite reassuring! Thank you for responding to me Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
frankiet861 · 10/11/2020 10:09

@Etihad

Patience is a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.

Everything you describe sounds pretty typical, I think most of us have been there. I started to think it was all a deliberate of the process to help us prepare for the more stressful parts of parenting. Just smile and nod, and jump through all the hoops - it’s worth it in the end Smile

This is really reassuring too, thank you - I'll yet my hoop-jumping shoes ready Grin
OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/11/2020 10:29

@Etihad

patience is a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue

how very true ! I like that

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/11/2020 10:46

Patience is a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.

Absolutely 👏👏👏

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2020 07:55

When choosing an agency or local authority it is worth finding out what post adoption support they offer. Once your child is placed tgis is very important.

Our local authority have been brilliant.

Original poster
frankiet861 · 11/11/2020 09:12

@Italiangreyhound

When choosing an agency or local authority it is worth finding out what post adoption support they offer. Once your child is placed tgis is very important.

Our local authority have been brilliant.

Yes 100% - thank you for this. Actually the original agency we wanted to go with was for that exact reason! Thank you for this insight and I'm so pleased that you've had a good experience with the post-adoption support Smile
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feelingverygrateful · 11/11/2020 09:30

I agree with others in that this is all standard and I do think may be intentional just to see how resilient you are. Our assessment process took a year and a half due to an unfortunate family situation. We pushed through and kept going and at panel (which lasted 2.5hrs!) they told us we are the most resilient adopters they have seen. It was absolutely worth every ounce of stress and delay as I am sitting here with our early permanence baby in my arms.

Jellycatspyjamas · 11/11/2020 09:44

That’s a hell of a panel @feelingverygrateful, we too had a lot of stuff going on during our assessment - it took us 4 years to get to panel due to a combination of physical health, mental health and bereavement issues but our panel took about an hour. I think they wanted to get us through before another disaster befell us.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby.

SoddingWeddings · 11/11/2020 10:02

We were turned down after six months, towards the end of stage one because I have a chronic health condition. All the rubbish they spouted about being about to adopt with a disability was proven to be lies by our agency.

We haven't recovered from the shock and grief, and are very unlikely to try again because my condition is stable and therefore unacceptable to them in its current presentation. It's been a few years now, and I could still cry.

It's such a hard process, and whilst I fully understand the need to protect children, I often feel that the adopters are put through some ridiculous hoops in the interests of proving resilience through adversity. I get it, they don't want people who will give up children when times get tough, but my god, it's awful.

Original poster
frankiet861 · 11/11/2020 11:11

@SoddingWeddings i'm so so sorry this happened to you that is so sad. I definitely agree about the resilience 'tests' although I am just beginning and don't have much experience with it, it just feels like it's unnecessary stressful way in order to test resilience. I'm really sorry for your experience though

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