Assessment - hang in there, or call it a day

[Ishbam]

My husband and I attended prep course at beginning of year, before covid, and decided to proceed.

Ideally we want to adopt a child or children with global delay and are not phased by other issues that they may have.
What we don’t want is a child that is presenting as meeting its milestones, we would be more than happy with a child that has been labelled unadoptable and people have given up on.
Would consider any age of child, definitely not a baby.

Our positives are......
-In a secure relationship for 30 years
-Financially very secure.
-Birth children now adults and independent
-As previous foster carers we have 15 years + experience and insight of parenting and understanding children with various issues such as chromosome disorder, ASD, ADHD, ODD, sensory issues, global development, partially sighted, attachment disorder, trauma related behaviours.
-Large support network.

• we are both be at home full time.

So this is what the possible negatives are
-My husband has a disability, this may or may not prevent us from proceeding. We are waiting for a specific medical with his consultant. However, with covid, we are unsure how much longer we will have to wait. We personally, think his disability is actually a strength as it gives us greater understanding to this condition and evidences resilience.
It is not a life threatening condition. But of course the powers that be may not see it the way we see it.
-Whilst we are awaiting this appointment, which could take months, we are getting older. When we approached our agency we were 50, by the time we went on prep course we were 51, we are now fast approaching being 52, so I have to question wether we are chronologically getting too old although we are aware there is no upper age limit.
-It was politely suggested that i had a high BMI, so I have lost 2 stone, and become much fitter as I cycle approx 50 miles per week now.

So because of covid, we are in a state of limbo whist we await medical appointment. I think of nothing else, adoption is always on my mind , it is consuming my every thought to the point that I have to question, is this healthy?

When we attended the prep training, we were the only couple with birth children, we were the oldest couple and we were the physically unfittest couple. However, mentally we were the strongest couple because we are under no illusion to what we are potentially letting ourselves in for.

I’d be interested in your thoughts, and please be brutally honest no offence will be taken, are we getting to old? Should we hang in there, or call it a day?

I think go for it, I'm sure that the social workers do a preliminary interview before inviting you to the process?

Can you contact your local LA or VA to see what they think. That's the only way you will know for sure, but reading your post I don't think they would exclude you.

My only reservation reading your post is your desire for a particular type of child.
I thought social workers find the right adopters for their looked after child, not the other way round?
You might be more suitable to adopt a sibling group for example than a single child with higher needs?
I think it's fine to have a preference, but best to keep open minded about potential adoptees personally.

I would encourage you to hold in there. We are a couple of years younger and the process for us was equally lengthy and it’s frustrating waiting, particularly when another birthday, Christmas etc pass without the child. You will need patience in bucketloads, and unfortunately COVID has meant your husbands medical is delayed, that’s just how it is, it’s frustrating but it will happen if you wait. Of course you’ll think about adopting a lot, but keep busy and try and manage your expectations as the process can be slow at times.

Many other posters will come along and tell you age doesn’t matter. It doesn’t, the agencies are just looking for you to be healthy, physically and mentally, so they know you are able and active enough to give a child or children a loving safe home. As you are already aware, and we also had the same experience, we were the oldest on training, (although many also had birth children) and this has also been true of support groups for prospective adopters I have attended. It can make you feel different although I imagine every adopter is conscious of perceived issues, and as you point out there’s strengths in experience too.. If you are looking at children outside of your LA there will be some agencies when you are looking at matching that specify an age limit of 50 for a younger child. I’m not sure what age range you are interested in, and it’s great you are open minded about the needs a child has. You will get lots of opportunities to discuss this will your SW when you are in stage 2 and they write your PAR.

Disability is in theory not a barrier to adoption and I would definitely keep going. The process is notoriously bureaucratic and everything takes a lot longer than expected. That being said you could struggle post approval with being matched with the kind of children you describe as you are looking at children who have very high needs and social workers looking long term might worry about the effects of your OH's disability in the longer term, thinking about how much additional care he might need in the future. Also you need to consider carefully the reality of post adoption support in the U.K. as it is very limited. I know of a couple who were promised lots of help and they actually delayed putting in for the AO in order to negotiate the exact support package for their child. Within a year of it being granted SS were going back on their promises.

I don't want to be negative but ours is a cautionary tale. We were in a similar position to you - a little bit younger but I am also disabled. We have teenage children and both work with children. I work with children with SEN and we were open to adopting a child with additional needs.

We first applied and passed assessment relatively quickly. Then while we were in matching there was a complication in my disability and we were put 'on hold' while we awaited a second opinion medical (requested by the social services manager - my GP and our assessing social worker always gave me positive reports and said they had no concerns about the effect my disability had on my parenting). We eventually got a negative medical report which we appealed. We won the appeal and were allocated a new social worker but by then the assessment had gone 'out of date' so we agreed to redo the prep course and have a new assessment with the new social worker.

Our new social worker was brilliant and we flew through the second assessment. Went back into matching and had interest in a couple of children which didn't work out for various reasons. then our social worker left so we had our 3rd social worker. We felt she never really believed in us. We were expressing interest in children which she disregarded and said we weren't suitable for e.g. saying we didn't understand the potential difficulties of a child with downs syndrome when I've worked with families of children with DS for 20 years.

After over a year in matching we had a heart to heart with the social worker who said that she was concerned about my disability and if she'd have been doing the assessment we wouldn't have passed. She was not pushing us for matching and said we were up against 'lovely couples in their 20's' who didn't have all these 'complications' (ie disability, birth children, being older - mid 40's). She said we could appeal again or request a change of social worker but her manager agreed with her so she didn't think it would change anything.

By this time we felt utterly exhausted and disappointed and decided to walk away. From first enquiry to this point was 5 years of our lives and I regret the time lost with our teenage children who were at home as we put holidays etc on hold as we saved for adoption.

I don't mean to be bitter but I suppose I'm saying the assessment is only the first hurdle. We thought having passed that (twice) we would be adopting but as a PP has said it may be the matching stage where you find you're pushed aside.

@Ishbam I would echo other replies and also add that as an adopter with a disability myself (not life limiting) this was seen as a positive. I am a strong advocate for my son who has now been diagnosed with FASD, and during assessment was able to easily demonstrate resilience and flexible thinking, very essential qualities for adopters!

oh and as a bizarre add on.....

6 months after we stepped away from the process they rang us up and asked if would consider applying for fostering?!? I pointed out that we had been advised to give up on adoption as we were too old/too disabled/ too complicated. They said the fostering team had looked at our profile and were very impressed with our experience and our understanding of the children during assessment and were keen to see if we had considered fostering?

It was all very strange and a bit unsettling. We discussed it at length but we'd spent that 6 months grieving and getting new focuses in our lives and we also weren't sure we could trust SS again so we declined to take it any further in the end. I think if we did decide to look into it , it would be with a different agency.

@Ishbam we adopted a relatively easy little boy of 3 when I was about 48, so a 45 year age difference. I have heard of an unofficial age range of 50 years.

I'd encourage you to continue, but, put your energy and effort into other things while you wait.

@newnamefornow2020 so sorry to hear of your experiences.

as you are looking at children who have very high needs and social workers looking long term might worry about the effects of your OH's disability in the longer term,

Global developmental delay covers a huge range of needs, and doesn’t in and of itself mean children have very high needs - my daughter has GDD and while her needs are very complex she’s easy to parent.

None of the things you note are necessarily a barrier to adoption, particularly given the work you’ve done on reducing your weight and improving your health. Depending on the age of the child their needs may be well know at adoption and you and your SW can assess realistically how able you are to meet them. Your previous experience is a huge asset and I can imagine you being fairly easily matched after approval because the children you’re talking about are often considered difficult to place, though not necessarily difficult to parent.

I’m an older adopter - I was 47 when my two were placed and my husband was 50. As long as you have the energy to chase after little people you’ll be fine. Do try to fill your time while going through the process, it can become a bit all consuming otherwise.

@newnamefornow2020 that’s appalling practice, your SW was in breach of at least 2 sections of equalities legislation in what she’s told you. I don’t blame you in deciding to move on, but I would have raised hell at what she said to you.

We were a similar age when we adopted a baby with complex needs. Like you we are foster carers and we specialise In children with disabilities. We also have a foster child who also.has complex needs.
Our ages were never an issue . We are now 56 with a 6 yr old. So go for it . They are desperate for people who can take children with disabilities and we haven't ruled out adopting again ourselves .

Can I just thank everyone for your comments.
Lots of positivity so thankyou, in the current climate when there is so much uncertainty, it was lovely to read the positive encouragement to continue.
However, equally, the “reality “ comments are welcomed too.
We are not going into this wearing rose tinted glasses.

Because we felt encouraged by your comments, We phoned my husband’s consultants secretary who told us that my hubby is at the top of the list to be seen when face to face appointments restart, and she indicated that if the covid numbers don’t increase in our area then that appointment could be within 6 weeks so fingers crossed.

That's great @Ishbam all the best with it all.

@jellycatspyjamas thanks for your support. We did raise hell when they were discriminatory during the assessment but it's much harder at the matching phase. If you just keep getting told 'the child's SW doesn't want to take it forward' or 'they liked you but there was another couple who were more suitable' how do you prove discrimination? In the end we felt if we complained they would point to the policies which all said the right things but we still wouldn't get a match so there was no point carrying on really.

I suppose that'd be my only warning to @Ishbam - you think the assessment is the hard bit but we found negative attitudes towards age/disability etc much more difficult to challenge at the matching stage.

@newnamefornow2020 As an adopter with a disability I feel both deeply saddened and angry at your experiences! 💐

As a single approved adopter never being the chosen family over couples I feel like it's discrimination. But like others have said it can't be proven but is just so frustrating. I often think about just giving up. But it's took years to get this far and I'm stubborn so will continue.

Sound alike you have so much to give, best of luck with it all x

Good luck! I would say keep on hanging in there.

Hi all,

I’ve just read all this and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have bothered filling in and sending off the initial form.
We are both older, late 40s, dh has a degenerative but not life threatening disease. Reading the above I feel like we are wasting our time. We don’t have children.
The SW put us through to stage one but said she would have to do a lot of research into dhs issues in that stage...
After reading the above it looks like there will be lots of younger more straightforward people than us... so maybe we are just wasting everyone’s time?...

@karcheer I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I am an adopter with a disability. Happy to help in any way I can.
Also wondering if it may be worth your while giving Adoption UK a call who will be able to advise you on your rights.

@Niffler75 what do you mean by our rights?
Surely we have none really... they’ll either want us or not?

@karcheer OK, there should be information available on your LA/ adoption agency website about what you should expect to experience in terms of being treated with respect, good communication, being kept informed of timescales etc. There should also be information related to the Equality Act and commitment to not discriminating against prospective adopters on the basis of age, sex, disability etc.

@karcheer Also you are absolutely not wasting anyones time. Adopters come from all backgrounds and experiences and my disability was actually seen as a positive.

@Niffler75 thank you. I will keep positive for the moment :)

Hi Karcheer

I have messaged you