Meeting birth mother. What should I ask her?

MeringueCloud · 03/11/2020 20:42

Those sound like good questions to ask. Perhaps also (if suitable) what BM enjoys doing, what hobbies she had as a child, what age your DD took her first steps and "is there anything else you would like us to know?".
(We haven't met BPs yet so I am not an expert!)

MeringueCloud · 03/11/2020 20:44

Those sound like good questions to ask. Perhaps also (if suitable) what BM enjoys doing, what hobbies she had as a child, what age your DD took her first steps and "is there anything else you would like us to know?".
(We haven't met BPs yet so I am not an expert!)

RibenaCocktail · 03/11/2020 20:47

You could ask her about DD’s name and what made her choose it - there may have been a special reason or meaning, or she may be named after someone

Yolande7 · 03/11/2020 21:36

They sound like good questions. I would get a "baby's first year" book and ask those. Then I would try to find out about birth mum's interests and ask what her memories are. Try to get a good feel for her, so you can describe her to your child later. It will also make letterbox easier. Can she remember your child doing anything funny or unusual? I would also ask for any health issues in the family.

My children are interested in everything really. They would like to know more about themselves (first steps, favourite food etc) but also about their birth parents (are they the same or different?).

Yolande7 · 03/11/2020 21:39

They sound like good questions. I would get a "baby's first year" book and ask those. Then I would try to find out about birth mum's interests and ask what her memories are. Try to get a good feel for her, so you can describe her to your child later. It will also make letterbox easier. Can she remember your child doing anything funny or unusual? I would also ask for any health issues in the family.

My children are interested in everything really. They would like to know more about themselves (first steps, favourite food etc) but also about their birth parents (are they the same or different?).

GroundAlmonds · 03/11/2020 23:43

Please don’t ask her about “her feelings towards AD“. She loves her, of course. It would sound awful for you to ask directly, and intrusive. Just think about the emotional dynamics of it.

Your other questions are good. Also ask her about her adult tastes and childhood preferences . School subjects, sports, music, hobbies. Strong points and quirks. Ask her what she would like your shared DD to know about her.

Moominmammaatsea · 04/11/2020 00:00

The medical histories of her and AD’s birth father (and even the older generations in the birth family) ie any allergies or inherited conditions, for example. My eldest AD had to have surgery with anaesthetic when she was five and I was asked if there was a history of her having issues with anaesthetic and I wasn’t able to answer yay or nay.

Both my ADs like hearing about the things they have in common with their separate birth mothers so maybe ask what they were good at or enjoyed most at school. My youngest daughter is an amazing runner at only four and it turns out (only because we have regular direct contact) that birth mum apparently used to leave everyone else in her class standing in the PE bleep tests. I only learned this because I was able to ask her myself, this was not imparted in the PAR but it is the sort of information kids love to know.

lilymty · 04/11/2020 09:03

We met our dd birth mom last year. I would ask if you could exchange questions before hand so she can have a go at answering them beforehand. My dd birth mom was so over come she couldnt talk for most of our meeting so if we hadn't of done questions beforehand we wouldn't of got any answers. I would say dont over think questions they just need easy to answer ones. I think a lot of it is to be able to say you have met her & for birth mom to be of met who her daughter is going to live with . Ask for a photo to be taken & we have one of us in the lifestory book. Its was a very hard meeting but we both came out so happy we did it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/11/2020 11:47

I’d set your expectations pretty low to be honest, this will be an incredibly difficult meeting for her (and you) and while there’s lots of things you’d like to know, the reality she may not cope with lots of questions. I’d think of two or three things that feel very important and send them to social work before hand so she has time to think about how she’d like to respond. I’d avoid anything too personal to her and wouldn’t be trying to explore medical histories etc, that’s part of the work done pre-placement and if health and social work don’t have it, she’s not likely to share it with you in one meeting. I’d certainly not be asking “baby book” type questions not least because depending on her state of mind at the time she may nit know the answers, and while it wouldn’t be your intention, it becomes another reminder of how bad a parent she was in front of the person who has her child.

In my experience, being in the same space as each other and you seeing her and her seeing the person that will be raising her child is valuable in and of itself - anything else is a bit of a bonus. Think too about what you’re prepared to share with her about you - she’ll have questions too and if you can get them ahead of time it’ll help you prepare.

I would like to ask her questions about what happened for the situation to arise but I won’t. It would seem too judgmental and I’m not sure we would hear the truth.

With respect, this is none of your business, you have the information provided to you by social work which they’ve deemed fit to share. It would be hugely inappropriate to ask her about that part of her life and I’d expect whoever is facilitating the meeting to put a stop to any such questions - she’s a person who has had significant challenges and you’re a complete stranger to her. Treat her and her story with respect.

It’s understandable that you want to take advantage of the opportunity to meet her, but remember in all of this she’s a mum who has lost her child - regardless of what you think of her part in that. I’d be planing to just go and see what happens and take the best from it.

Be prepared for it to be harder than you think - sitting with a woman who has had her child removed is very difficult and emotional. Make sure you have some support for yourself afterwards.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 04/11/2020 14:21

A lot of those questions seem pretty personal and emotionally charged to my view.

We asked

why she chose the names
hobbies and things she liked as a child
hopes for the children
what would she like to ask us

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/11/2020 15:16

I think @UnderTheNameOfSanders has a good list, short and not personal. Asking about her pregnancy and birth experience is very personal and may not have been a good time in her life. It’s ok to want to know, but not ok to ask if that makes sense. She’s being incredibly brave agreeing to meet and tbh if she thinks it’s going to be intrusive or cover stuff that’s too personal she may decide not to come.

If you set your expectations at a low level you’re much less likely to be disappointed if it doesn’t turn out as you had hoped.

Moominmammaatsea · 04/11/2020 20:05

I would add, maybe ask what one wish birth mother has for her/your child for the future? The birth mum of my second daughter was really keen for me to enable ballet lessons as that is something she’d always wanted for herself as a little girl growing up in a very chaotic and abusive and neglectful home.

Just to counter some of the posts above (and not to start a row or to criticise), please don’t set the bar too low for your meeting, as, in my opinion, to do so would be a great disservice to any birth parents who agree to participate in such a meeting; it takes a great deal of courage and no small amount of self-reflection in order for birth parents who, regardless of the reasons, are prepared to come face-to-face with the very people who will be lucky enough to bring up and experience a future with the child/children they have lost.

Oh, and take lots of tissues.

Good luck, OP.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/11/2020 20:11

please don’t set the bar too low for your meeting, as, in my opinion, to do so would be a great disservice to any birth parents who agree to participate in such a meeting;

When I said “set your expectations low” what I meant was the OP may not get the answers to all the questions she has, that physically being there may be as much as birth mum can manage but that in itself is a huge benefit to all concerned. There’s no intention to do anyone a disservice, just that the OP seems to have a lot of hope that she’ll be able to get a lot of information for her child and that might not happen despite best intentions.

Wannakisstheteacher · 04/11/2020 20:13

would like to ask her questions about what happened for the situation to arise but I won’t.

Sorry but this is awful. What do you want from her? She doesn't owe you an explanation for a single moment of her life. For any 'mistakes' she's made she will almost certainly be in a huge amount of pain and is still willing to meet you. As for asking her for her feelings towards her own child. Well, the mind just boggles.

Original poster

Rieslingandcrisps · 04/11/2020 22:08

Thank you for all of your replies. Sorry if some of my thoughts seem insensitive. I guess I was just saying there are things I want to know that I know I never will find out. To be able to help AD with the trauma she has suffered I wish I could know everything so I can help her to make sense of it. As I said in my post, I’m not going to ask her about that. There are some good ideas that I will use to jot some notes. Thanks very much for your advice.

OP posts:

percypetulant · 04/11/2020 23:33

@moominmammaatsea

That's lovely, about the ballet.

Yolande7 · 04/11/2020 23:40

Just to clarify: By baby book questions, I mean the factual information like all the firsts. One of my daughters knows many of hers, my other doesn't and would really like to. I agree with the others that I would try to keep questions fairly factual.

user1497873278 · 05/11/2020 12:06

Our experience was emotional, BM was fairly angry and confrontational at times, she wanted to get her point across to me,( she had done nothing wrong, didn’t deserve to lose her child and no matter what she was her child ) we were not surprised by this as having been foster careers, for a fair few years we had witnessed many situations with birth family’s. I managed to ask medical questions about her and birth father and extended family, which was my main aim. She cried, I cried and hugged her, I felt so terribly sad for her, but also so relieved that my little one was safe with us. We asked about her hobbies, and she told us a little about how bad her childhood had been, I thanked her for a baby box she had made while in the mother and baby assessment centre and she was so happy I liked it, really had to fight back the tears at that point. I am so pleased I met her, as I can share that with my daughter, also helps regarding letter box contact. Good luck but please don’t forget how incredibly hard it is for them.