Single adopter - dating

[unicorninahaystack]

I am hoping to apply to adopt in the next year or so (just getting my finances in order) as a single adopter.
In the meantime, I am occasionally dating, I'm not particularly looking for a relationship, or sex etc, but I feel I should try and make the effort while I can.
I'm very happy being single, but I know I could be happier in a lovely relationship if I could find the right person.
I have pretty much my whole life not wanted my own birth children, and have always hoped to adopt.
I've had lots of long term relationships, including marriage (which has ended) and the opportunity to try and become a birth mother, but I've never been interested.
I am committed to the idea of single adoption, although it will take a lot of sacrifice.
I have started dating someone who I think could turn into a long-term relationship.
He is very lovely and would make a wonderful father (from what I know of him so far) but I'm wary of continuing the relationship and seeing where it goes as I assume this might muddy the waters re adoption?
I actually would prefer to adopt alone - it will be tough, but I know where I stand and legally I will be the child's only parent.
If I had to choose - I would choose adoption over a potential relationship.
Are you allowed to be a relationship (non-cohabiting) and apply to adopt as a single parent? Obviously the partner would be interviewed and screened etc.
I would like to see where this relationship goes, but I don't want to give up the idea of adoption.
I wouldn't adopt together unless we had lived together for a while, and that would mean I was hitting 50 if we applied together, I would prefer to adopt as soon as I can and at this stage we are just casually dating.
Sorry for the long post!

@unicorninahaystack

I’m a single adopter. My personal view is that you either single or you aren’t, whether or not you co habit is a bit irrelevant. So you need to commit to adoption and crack on with it, or give this relationship time to see where its headed and then adopt as a couple, if that is what you both want.
But some things to think about - I’m not suggesting you answer these questions here, but you need to reflect on them.
This man might not want children, if he does he might not want to adopt.
If you are in a committed relationship, why do you want to adopt as a single person - what is that saying to your partner?
What role would you expect him to have, if its a father role why should he accept not being the legal parent as well. If you don’t see him as daddy, what is he ? He might not want to be assessed if you are assigning some secndary role to him.
The early days of adoption can be very tough, you will have little or no time for him, no grown up sleepovers. You will be focussed on establishing your relationship with your child. You will be asking him to sacrifice a lot.
Think about how this might be perceived by the child.

I had neither the time, energy or inclination to give to anyone other than my son for a very long time, probably still don’t. Its completely different to adopting as a couple living together and sharing parenting.
It is a dilemma and not great timing for you to have met this man now, but thats where you are.
If you are just casually dating at the moment for me its about your priorities.

Social workers are looking for secure, stable homes for children. Those children may have seen many people come and go in their lives, may have seen mum have a different partner every week.

You would need to be clear about adopting as a single person and how you might manage a partner relationship and the role that person might have in a child’s life.

On a purely practical level you may not have the head space for both a new relationship and the adoption process. Your new partner may not want to go through an intrusive assessment process, or you may not want him to in the end, if the relationship breaks down you’ll likely find your adoption process is delayed to give you space to focus on that.

It’s not the case that adoptive parents can’t date, but there are more complexities to consider. I’d be very wary, for example, of a new partner meeting the child quickly, or having adult sleepovers with the child in the house because their background may make processing that very difficult for them and their new home needs to be a very safe place.

I think you have some discussions to have with your new partner and I agree with @Ted27 about identifying where your priorities lie.

I started the process single and met someone who I fell hard for during Stage 1. I didn’t tell my SW as I didn’t want to stop the process and I didn’t know what would happen in the relationship. It ended after I’d been approved and just before I’d matched and I’m so pleased I didn’t say anything about him to her. I don’t advocate lying during the process but it’s unlikely you’d be able to adopt as a single adopter and even if your new partner wanted to adopt with you, your relationship is too new. So it’s a choice, really.

I told myself that after six months of placement I’d be able to date again. Hahahahahahaha. No chance. I’m exhausted and getting dolled up and making conversation after a 12 hour day with a traumatised 2 year old boy isn’t what I want to do. Eating chocolate and having a bath is. I’ll date when my son is ready for me to. If that doesn’t happen until he’s 18+ so be it.

Thanks for the replies.
Obviously I'm fully aware of the impact on a potential adopted child, that's why I'm asking on here this hypothetical question.

I know about not having adults coming in and out of their lives and them having stability is probably the most important thing you can provide for them.

It's a very very new 'relationship' - and as I'm fully expecting not to be able to date potentially for 10+ years if I did adopt, and it's at least 1-2 years before I could be matched if I got through the application, it's not like this is a pressing concern - I'm just interested as to what the consensus is.

I wouldn't be able to lie about the relationship if I was together with them until the point where I put my application in with the LA, and I guess by then I would have had the conversation if we wanted to stay together and adopt together, or break up?
Sounds like there can't be an in between.
I wouldn't have the bf stay over if I did adopt, but I guess that means I wouldn't be able to see any bf or have evenings out together I guess.

I'm not a dishonest person and I wouldn't try and deceive the SW - but it's interesting to hear the views in this.

@mahrezzy (sorry I'm not suggesting you were dishonest, you did the most sensible thing IMO)

Not necessarily - you clearly understand the issues and my sense is already you’re thinking about being protective of any child/children placed. You might have folk who care for your children that they might have sleepovers with - my two have stayed with my sister many times and love having sleepovers etc. You’re still a person and no one would expect you to forgo a partner relationship indefinitely- just to be mindful of the potential impact, which you are.

That you’re being so thoughtful about it at this early stage is a real strength and bodes well for you both through the process and into matching. You’re right, this can be a long process and you can’t put your life on hold while you wait.

@unicorninahaystack 🤣 didn’t think you were implying it at all.

I often think about him and how our relationship would work now. It would be so hard. For the first two/three months of placement it would have been impossible to see a boyfriend - my son was so traumatised that I couldn’t have left him with a babysitter (and still can’t in fact) and if a stranger had been in the house and he’d woken up it would have really impacted him further. Nobody could have predicted how my son was when he came home, by the way. On paper he was an easy to place child.

Six months in and I still can’t leave him - I’ve not left him with anyone else yet as he’s not ready. I can’t stand the thought of him waking up and me not being there (he wakes 3+ times a night) or for there to be someone else here when he’s having a hard time and needs to feel completely safe.

Realistically, I would have had to have pressed pause or waved goodbye if things with my boyfriend hadn’t have ended. How long the pause would have been I don’t know.

I think you should definitely explore this new relationship as you go through the process. The social workers don’t need to know until they need to know - and by that point there may not be anything to know! Or you may progress through the process and choose to focus on your relationship and start the process again in three/four years with him.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this already - I hope my experiences are helpful. And enjoy all the sex and lie-in! What a distant memory they are for me...!!

I can see it's really tricky, I don't have family living close by, so I'm not expecting to be able to have over-nights away from any adopted child for many years if ever with family.

I hopefully could leave a baby-sitter at some point in the evenings, but I can see it would be virtually impossible to carry on a relationship without compromising time with an adoptive child and 'blending' time together.

That's fine, I'm happy with my decision to prioritise adoption.

I've got a feeling the sex if not the lie-ins might be coming to an end soon @mahrezzy if Boris announces what I think he's going to announce!

Thanks for the kind words @Jellycatspyjamas - I'm a lurker on these boards and always think your advice is always positive and useful.

@unicorninahaystack

it is rotton timing for you, and as has been said, you can't put your life on hold for what could be a long process. I stopped dating and went on all sorts of adventure holidays instead !
I do think there is an issue of self preservation to take into account. If you carry on dating him, you get to the point of broaching adoption with him, he says no - that will be an emotional blow to you, it wouldnt be a good place to be when starting the adoption process. If he said yes, SWs would be looking at how established your relationship is, I think the minimum time they look for is 2 years, I don't know if that means co- habiting though.
On the positive side - late 40s, 50 is no great age in adoption world. I was pushing 47 when my son came home, I know of a number of over 50s placed with babies.
There's a lot to think about, other people's experience is helpful, but you have to do what is right for you.

@Ted27 thanks, unfortunately adventure holidays are not on the cards at the moment.... lots of wet & windy dog walks are my thrills currently!

I would be honest with any partner, I don't want to waste anyone's time who would be interested in having their own birth children either. It's just very early days for these types of conversations!

unicorninahaystack I've got no words of wisdom but am glad some wise people have come on and given advice. I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug and wish you all the best.

I adopted my little boy at nearly 50, he was 3. I'm married with a birth child 6 years older than adopted son.

I really wish you all the best with things. I think (for what it is worth) I agree with mahrezzy...

"I think you should definitely explore this new relationship as you go through the process. The social workers don’t need to know until they need to know - and by that point there may not be anything to know!"

It will give you a chance to get your savings in order, de-clutter -really vital when you are having a new person and their potential 'clutter' join you (not that they will necessarily have a lot of stuff but as they grow they get loads of toys/clothes etc...) and of course you can read loads and build up your support network.

Thanks Italian - I have no idea how you know about all my clutter though!

unicorninahaystack news of a new lockdown has sent me scurrying to the local charity shop with a lot of stuff!!

@unicorninahaystack

I also trained for a half marsthon on the theory if I was physically knackered I wouldnt have headspace for fretting.

You may also experience sudden onset Adopter Cleaning Syndrome when your level of cleaning reaches peak because you realise that
a, you will have social workers in and out of your home
and/or
b. you have nowhere to put any kids stuff because you have too much stuff
then after placement you find yourself in reverse and
a. you have twice as much stuff as you did before, because your child accummulates all manner of things
b. you are overwhelmed in the first few months and old hands like me tell you to lower your standards because a bit of dust doesn’t hurt

Oh yes the “how clean is my house” rollercoaster - I’m three years in with a now 7 and 8 year old. My house looks like someone picked it up and shook it. My standards have definitely lowered.

Everyone fed, nobody dead.

@Ted27 🤣 Oh yes that's definitely a thing. We have a 9yo and.......stuff......everywhere!
In fact my son helpfully suggested we need a clear out and is making a list of his things to donate to charity! Bless him!

Bear in mind that when you apply , SW will want to vet every adult member of the household. Your BF might be unwilling to go through that investigation; and if he failed vetting your own application might be toast.
You haven't known him long, and don't know much about him.

@unicorninahaystack I think I may well be the expert (finally) in a subject. Some posters like @Italiangreyhound will know me as Kewcumber but I seem to have mislaid my original login details.

I adopted as a single 14 years ago and now have a newarly 15 year old (later this month)

I wasn't dating when I adopted and certainly wouldn;t have had the energy emotional or physical to date in the early years. In fact it wasn't until DS was about 8 that it seemed like a possibility.

Practicalities are fraught - DS has NEVER been babysat by anyone other than family or friends though obviously your friendship group changes with childrne so you may find they are fine with sleepovers withfriends - DS wasn't for a VERY long time. In fact he didn;t sleep through the night until he was about 11.

I dated during daytime when he was in school (flexible job) and the occasional evening when he was at my mum's from about 7 or 8 and didn;t introduce him to anyone until he was 13 when sods law we split up about a month later!

I now have a boyfriend who has got as far as staying the night and for weekends but it is incredibly difficult as of course your child has a premium position when there are just two of you and inevitably they get knocked back a bit. Even being incredibly cautious and taking things very slowly it has been tough on all of us.

You can absolutely date whilst you're being assessed and boyfriend will need to be assessed too, you also need to be very clear with him about the "rules" and SW needs to be aware you've had that conversation. If boyfriend is around in a friendly way and not involved in childcare from very early on, I suspect it won;t be a huge problem.

Once you are bonded with your child, you will inevitably make the decisions based on what they need, boyfriend and social worker both need to know that.

Single adopters don't need to give up all aspects of an adult relationship, you just need to be realistic about how that might need to change according to the needs of the child, just as it happened in marriages.

Good luck

OOh, I found myself again!

Hi Kew how are you doing?! Long time no see. Xxxxxx

Can I ask how you have got on since writing this. My social worker was due to go to a linking meeting tomorrow but this has been postponed as I told my social worker last week that I have recently and unexpectedly met someone. We are very open about my adoption process and she is very supportive of me. I am just worrying it could stop me being linked with the prospective children I have been hearing about for the last 5 months.