Feeling lonely and isolated

[Chipsandcheese49]

Hi everyone,
3 months in and I adore my little one year old- he is settling in well, despite struggling with teething pain and changes to his napping routine, he seems to be building his attachment to me and DH.

The problem is me- prior to Covid, I’d imagined a year of mat leave including baby groups, classes, meeting other new mums and a busy and active social life. Other than one toddler group a week- where interaction between Mums is limited and most seem to know each other, we don’t tend to do much during the day other than play, go for walks, arts and crafts activities at home. I’m struggling- life feels like an endless domestic slog and I miss the social interaction I had prior to being on leave. I don’t know where to begin in meeting other mums- I know this isn’t a big issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s bringing me down and winter hasn’t even begun. Any tips or advice would be appreciated.

Adopter support groups (in person) have just started up again in my area - they are just social events in the main! Could you ask if they are doing any near you?
I can imagine it's not at all how you would have liked the year to work out.

@Chipsandcheese49

so many new mums are feeling like this, you aren’t alone but have the disadvantage of not having made contacts in ante natal classes.

To be honest, I’m 8 years along, with a teenager, stuck working at home for the last 8 months and feeling the same, really not looking forward to the next few months.

As weekends suggest see if there are any adopter groups meeting in your area. Have you looked to see if there are anything like baby swim lessons, or story times at your library. Look for anything that will get you out of the house. I spent so much time in coffee shops when my son arrived. Do you have a local facebook page, there are lots of things advertised on mine.

Unfortunately a lot of parenting is a bit of a slog and quite frankly boring at times, thank goodness our days of peppa pig are over. You are still adapting to your new life and it is so much harder at the moment.

Its ok to have a moan about it and feel a bit sorry for yourself.

The early days are very hard going at the best of times, I remembering really struggling with the amount of drudgery involved in caring for children - the endless laundry and cooking drove me crazy. And your social life has completely changed, you don’t have the same freedom to just get up and go if you want to. And that’s without Covid.

It’s such a shame your leave hasn’t been what you thought it would be. I wonder if I could suggest an alternative view though. Your little one may be settled because you’ve been forced to stay close to home, he’s had time to feel secure with you and get to know his new family. Toddler groups etc are great but newly placed children can really struggle with yet more change and more new people. The busy, active social life you envisaged may not have been good for your little one and he may not have coped well and you’d still end up being close to home out of necessity.

Now that doesn’t change your feelings of loneliness at all - I remember craving adult conversation and someone to run the “do all kids do this” stuff past, and the various groups give you some routine and a reason to get out of the house.

Can you get out to see friends while your husband cares for your little boy? A bit of normality with people who know you well might do you the world of good. It don’t help you meet other parents but would give you some space to be yourself instead of mummy for a while.

It’s hard because you don’t meet other new parents in the way you might if you had been pregnant, adoption support groups can help, and you’ll start to meet other parents when he goes to nursery or childcare.

I’m not surprised you feel isolated, those early months don’t get enough weight in training, and your support networks are often not the people you thought when going through homestudy. Try to find time just for you - I remember a few friends who were an absolute life line when mine were placed.

I don't know if it helps but Adoption U.K. and NATP both are running regular virtual meet ups.

I also found the not having met other people via antenatal class difficult and our local free sessions all seemed to have grandparents and childminders using them rather than the mums of other one year olds. Most of the mums at the toddler group I joined were 15+ years younger than me, I had nothing in common with them and I felt awkward around them.

I really do feel you. We are also three months in and it’s certainly not how we imagined it. It’s been really tough. I agree with @Jellycatspyjamas though that the advantage has certainly been that we’ve been forced to spend so much time together without much interaction from others etc. We do feel that for us personally it’s worked out in our favour. We’ve been limited to what we can do, where we go and who we see so it’s allowed us to get to know our LO, LO to know us and our closest relatives and friends and well as exploring our local area without doing activities that may have been too much for LO.

We had a similarly isolating first year due to ongoing concurrency assessment and a high level of contact. Our health visitor actually 'set us up' with another local family who had recently adopted and it was a huge source of support - it might be worth asking. Also, we have recently joined the scottish buggy club via facebook where people in the local area post what day they walk and where and you can meet up outdoors and distanced - might be something similar in your area. Lastly, bookbug have begun making book packs you can collect weekly with books and activities so perhaps ring your local library and see what they have to offer. Wishing you well x

I can absolutely relate to what you're saying, it's great that your little one has settled well and you have build a good relationship with them. Our little ones are settling in well but with local lockdowns and national lockdowns most days are filled with walks and playing together, which is lovely but so isolating and a little repetative. My 2 year old doesn't know any other children her age locally so doesn't really have any friends, as you say the few groups that are running are socially distanced so making friends as an adult is much harder, and lots of people know each other already. Local adoption support is only via zoom and doesn't tally with nap times so isn't accessible for us.
I agree that although they're well settled it's not how I imagined it and it is isolating as I haven't been able to meet other 'mum' friends. My friends who live away have been supportive but we can't see them, our local friends haven't been great.