Adoption Agencies?

[MakingShapes]

DH and I are hoping to adopt after a hellish pregnancy with DS1. DS is 17mo. We're in Stage 1 with our agency and they've said we'll need a minimum of 12 days off work before we go to panel. DH and I are both teachers - these 12 days are all week days during term time. It simply CANNOT be done. DH is already on absence review at work because he's taken two and a half weeks off work since September (two weeks because the school told him not to come in because he'd been in close contact with a confirmed Covid case in his department and then two days a few weeks later when I was sent home from work with a cough and we had to isolate until I had a test result - he's had no other days off).
Our current agency are completely inflexible. We'll get around two week's notice of the day we need to take off and that's it - no negotiation or discussion - if we want a child, we're expected to just not turn up to work. Our employers are supportive but no employer is THAT supportive - employers only have a limited amount of goodwill and it's far more important that we have that goodwill when it actually matters (i.e. when the child actually needs us rather than when the agency wants us).
I've heard that some agencies offer training and visits at weekends or in the evenings (or at least after school time) or maybe during school holidays? Unfortunately, we're struggling to find an agency who also allow us to start the process due to the age of DS.
We're looking for an early permanence/foster to adopt placement and ideally an age gap of around 2 years. I had a 14 month age gap with my brother and DH had a 2y1m age gap with his sister and we found it worked really well.
Does anyone know of any agencies that offer some flexibility in their training and doesn't demand a big gap?
(Really not looking to be told how important training is (I know) or to just not go to work or that we should just have a larger age gap or not do early permanence. We're obviously considering all our options but I'm specifically looking for help on finding an agency that can accommodate us).

Where in the country are you OP?

We're with Adopt South (regional agency for Hampshire) and were approved 3 weeks ago. I would say half of our stage 2 training has been on a weekend, I had to take a couple of days off in stage 1 for training and the same again in stage 2 plus the day of panel but they were spread out so not too bad. Our social worker was also happy to have late afternoon meetings starting at 4:30pm so I was able to take a shorter lunch break on those days to make sure I was available. I think timing of meetings is down to the individual social worker and if they are happy to work evenings/weekends. Ours wouldn't have meetings on a weekend but a couple on our training said all of their social worker meetings were on a Saturday and they weren't happy as it ate into their weekend!

From what I've read I think most agencies will insist on a bigger age gap between your birth child and an adopted child but my stepson is a teenager so not 100% sure.

Adopted with a London borough a few years ago, didn’t need that much time off - 12days is ridiculous!

Could understand if they were 12 appointments not necessarily during school hours, like 4:00 straight after school or during free periods- but 12 full days off school?? How ridiculous!! Even non teachers surely would struggle taking 12 days of holiday? I have a very understanding head teacher but think the understanding would definitely not allow for that!

London is now in north and south - and currently going through process second time around and have been totally accommodating - can’t see why it would be any different for a first time adopter. We have less meetings and training days but have only got one day of training to take off and then my partner has to take the hour slots for the meetings at work during his PPA time. The meetings are on my days off, which is a pain for childcare but that’s easier!

I would also say - if the agency are this inflexible now how would they be when you have the child.......... can’t imagine they’d be that flexible then either!

Is it potentially because if you’re doing foster to adopt that is more like training for a job??

To be honest if you have found an agency that can accommodate you in other ways I'd just wait the 6 months. Its not long, use the time to research trauma, attachment, FAS, developmental delay etc etc.
Many people experience short delays, it's really not unusual.
A smaller age gap may well have worked for you and your siblings and your DH, ( do your parents agree?) but we aren't talking about birth siblings. At 2+ your existing child will be a bit more independent so you will be able to focus more on a new child.
Your agency does sound unreasonably inflexible about the visits, but if you can't find an agency who will budge on the age gap then maybe you should accept that its there for a good reason.

Birth children usually need to be two years older than adopted children, and it would be rare to get an infant. You'll probably need to wait at least 2 or 3 years. Surprised the agency you're with didn't already say that.

You might have had a good experience of a smaller age gap as siblings, but 2 under 2 is very very difficult for the parent. There are a number of reasons for asking for a wider age gap in adoption, related to the time and attention your adopted child will need in the weeks and months following placement, your birth child’s capacity to understand what’s happening, being able to split your time and attention to meet competing needs of both children and your capacity to cope with and support your older child through the complexities of adoption (particularly if you’re looking at foster to adopt, where the baby might live with you and then be returned to its birth family.

At this stage it’s important to remember that adoption isn’t about finding a child for parents, it’s about finding parents for a child and the child’s needs will come first which usually means an age gap of at least two years.

In terms of agency flexibility, if you find one willing to offer training and/or visits outside of office hours I would wait it out. You could go with your current agency just now and find at panel you’re asked to wait til your child is older anyway, approval panels are organised by the local authority who will have their own view about age gap even if your agency doesn’t.

In your shoes I’d find the most flexible agency and wait a while.