Birth family information

[Chicklette]

Hi. Im just wondering how much information people give their children about their birth families. Our kids are 7 and 9 and adopted very young but they know pretty much everything that we know (except some of the details of Sw reports etc). They know their birth parents first and last names, sibling names etc.

It feels right for them to have that information as I feel that it is their information to have. However, something that someone said on a thread last week has made me question this.

Obviously Id already thought about the fact that having their BP names would make it easy for the kids to trace/contact/Facebook BPs but Im interested to know if some or most people withhold the BP/sibling names from their kids or have you shared it with them?

My kids are pretty chatty and open about everything so there is also a likelyhood that they will chat to friends/teachers etc about this too. But fundamentally for me, i feel that its right for them to know their story and birth family's names and to choose who they share it with. I've spoken with them about reasons why you might not want to overshare things with people (the toothpaste analogy etc) but I think it is inevitable that they will.

What do others think?

Mine know first names (common), but not surnames, never asked. They know where they were born, and the age appropriate details of events.

I'm constantly amazed by the lack of interest in BPs, really, but I think because there appears to be no great mystery, and I answer everything as honestly as possible. I'm quite honest about BPs lifestyle, and DC like it here, mostly- they can see they're on to a good thing! I think mine are fairly self absorbed, in a good way.

Thanks. Yes, ditto. My kids don't seem that interested and I hope they known that I'd be supportive of whatever happens in the future

As my son was nearly 8 when he came home I didnt have a lot of choice about this.

@Chicklette I think you do need to be cautious about giving certain information but as they know there is no point beating yourself up about it.

its not a given that they will try to find birth parents, and if they are determined they will do so. As you say its their information, you can’t withold it forever.
Although you say they know pretty much everything, they really don’t know or understand the really big stuff- which is why.
My son could regale you with facts and timelines and details but there came a point when that wasn’t enough - he wanted to understand why.
He is 16 now, he has a fairly mature understanding and at the moment he isnt interested in either of his birth parents, for different reasons. That may change of course.
We have always been quite open about being adopted, it was difficult for us not to be but as he has moved on in life he does talk about it less. It didnt become common knowledge at secondary school for at least a year. I doubt he has told anyone at college. When he was first adopted it was a big deal for him, now its just who we are, I’m mum, he’s my son, thats just the way it is.

Mine were older when they came to me so already knew their birth family names etc, I’ve never hid it from them and they don’t seem too curious at the moment - they are 7 and 9 too.

They don’t know everything we know because the information isn’t appropriate at the ages they are, but we’ll share with them as they grow. I think there’s a real balance to be struck between it’s their information and they have a right to it and not giving them more information than they can reasonably process as young children.

Mine are 13 and 14 now and were placed with us 8 years ago, so they knew all the names. They have always been very curious about their birth family and their story. Recently they have become less curious, because they really do know everything now.

Like you, we gave them a lot of information from an early age, but always told them that this information was private. I made them aware of how little they know of their friend's families (eg. asked "What is soandso"s grandmother's first name?") and that keeping information within the family is normal. I have also told them that we think differently about certain things than many other people and that other people might not react kindly. My children have handled that pretty well. At some point we had a conversation about which bits they could share and they have stuck to that.

My daughter is 5. She knows first names of biological parents. She knows her full name before she was adopted. She knows they couldn't keep her safe and that she came from birth mums tummy. Recently birth mum has had another baby, who is not going to be adopted so I've had to drop in "birth mum has had another baby". I was asked the name so I told her. She has asked nothing else. She has pictures of BP in a special book and goes through phases of looking at it.

I have wrestled with what is right about too much sharing. I have gone down the road of sharing as much as I can in the hope that the more open I am and the more she knows, the less she will be inclined to contact them behind my back etc. We all just muddle on as best we can really. None of us can see the future. Just have to be open and loving so there are no surprises.

My child is 4. I have no idea how much she knows/understands. So far she has been reluctant to engage in conversations about her life story as the idea that she hasn't always been ours makes her feel unsafe. She doesn't look at her book independently. I bring it up whenever it is appropriate like discussing the Peppa pig episode looking at her baby photos and when she wants to see photos of herself as a baby.