Potential adoption

[CALScu]

Hi all,

After years of TTC we found out that we can't have kids naturally due to male infertility factor. Our first round of fertility treatment unfortunately failed, we are looking into our options and considering adoption. We'd love to hear some stories from adoptive parents - positive and negative. I don't know anyone going through this so I'm reaching out for a bit of support really. I'm only just 30 and got a great support network but I'd love to hear from someone who has experienced an adoption journey, as you can imagine - hubby and I are feeling a bit alone in all this! TIA xx

I’m sorry you’re facing infertility - it’s a well worn path for some folk here.

The best advice I can give is to read through some of the threads here. The posters here are very balanced so you’ll see the challenges and the joys of adoption very clearly, you’ll also get a sense of the support available here and elsewhere.

For my part, my D.C. were placed with me 3 years ago, I have a sibling pair who are both a joy and a challenge depending on the day. They gladden my heart and I’m so lucky to have them, it’s also been very challenging at times.

Read up on attachment and early trauma, the knowledge will be very valuable but most of all give yourself time to come to terms with your loss - it’s very hard to let go of the hope of having a biological child. Take very good care of yourself.

hello

my son came to me at 8, he is now 16 and doing really well. We have had lots of adventures and have built a good life.
He is in college and has just got himself a Saturday job at the local grocers. He is funny, charming, settled - and a typical smelly stroppy teenager.
We have had our share of challenges and some tough times but have come through them. There will be more challenges as he moves into adulthood.
Try not to think of adoption in terms of postive or negative stories. Four years ago we were not in a ‘positive ‘ place, now we are.
As many people say adoption is a marathon not a sprint. Its the best and hardest thing I’ve done, I have a cracking young man for a son, and as tough as it can be sometimes, I woukdn’t change anything

Our story was the same as yours. We adopted a boy and then a girl. They're 16 and 13 now.
DS was 8 months at adoption. Adopting him healed us. I fertility was so sh## but he brought us so much joy.
DD was 2.5 when we adopted her. She has some developmental delays due to early childhood Trauma. But she's great too. She's strong, resilient and so loving.
Good luck with your journey

Hi,

I am not an adopter (yet) however I am in a similar position in that we have just decided to start our adoption journey - I found a vlog on you tube called aimeevlog which gives you a really good idea of how the adoption process works and I have found it really encouraging... I've also been reading a few books which although have been very eye opening, they have also been very interesting, educational and give you a good idea of what to expect... I will list them below... One thing I have come across is that nobody's journey is the same as there are lots of variables to adoption, so don't let the bad experiences people may tell you about affect your decision.
some of the books are..
What to expect when your adopting
A child's journey through placement (this one is a bit intense)
A-Z of Therapeutic parenting

Also get in touch with lots of agencies and local authorities for information packs - you don't have to commit to anything and its good to get an idea of how different agencies work.

Hope this helps xx

Another in a similar position, also with male factor issues. We pretty much decided that we weren't going to go down ivf route, I'm 41, he's 40 and we have had enough sadness over the last year so we are seriously thinking of the adoption route. Going to start contacting agencies over the next few weeks. I've bought some books and have listened to a podcast or two which has helped. I've also spoken to a few friends who have adopted.

Would be good to do this journey on the next phase of our life with others going through similar

Our little girl came home 8 weeks ago so I'm a fairly new adoptive mummy! We also had male factor infertility and tried 1 ivf round but decided against any more. Adoption is not an easy journey and you need to be prepared for the social workers to ask a lot about your feelings about not having a birth child and your acceptance of that. They will want to know adoption is a positive choice for you. We were lucky to have a good social worker which helped the process a lot. Good luck with your journey x

Hey there, we adopted about a year ago and started the process in 2018 although we're researching it for a couple of years before that. Our son came home at 13 months and was thankfully in one very stable foster family since a few days old which I feel has made the world of difference in giving him a solid foundation. However our journey has not been without its stress and we have had what I believe are issues with some attachment/early trauma factors as he was affected by drugs and domestic abuse in utero. It's early days being that he is only 2 so I can't offer a long vision bit for now I can say he is meeting all his milestones, although we have chosen to take longer more gradual arrivals at things that seem to be accepted wisdom in conventional parenting circles such as ability to self settle etc . We tend to march to our own beat with that kind of thing and not get overly concerned about comparing ourselves to what other parents are doing! Adoption is a hard road. It took everything I had energy time and emotional resilience wise for at least a couple years and I do believe that some of our parenting has had to be necessarily different because of my son's early life but I don't regret it one bit. When ppl ask me if I'd do it again the answer is yes...but after a much longer break than a lot of parents give before they have their second child. It exhausted me and I'm now in the mind space that I'd like to enjoy my son and what it means to have him in our life some time longer before bringing anything or anyone else into the mix. For me personally as someone infertile I knew quote instinctively that the adoption journey however painful at times would suit me far better than IVF but it's such a personal decision x

Hi CALScu we have a birth child of almost 16 and an adopted son of 10. He came to us at 3.

I am a big fan of adoption but I think an important factor is deciding that you can cope with not having a child genetically related to you and not having the pregnancy and birth experience.

This are separate issues and you and your partner need to make your peace with with this. I felt I had done so quite early on in our journey but actually we had over 6 years of fertility treatment before lack of cash and totally feeling fed up with fertility treatment, made us stop!

I have never regretted stopping and don't regret adopting. But I did feel I had to pursue that journey as far as I could. In our case it was me with the main fertility issue so we did have treatment with donor eggs.

I'm happy to talk about anything if you message me or tag me in here @CALScu because I do not always check the adoption boards these days (I come and go!).

Hope you find the answers you need.