No one told me their name

[PaintedLadyWBB]

So LO has been placed with us a while now but not started AO due to pain in the backside SWs (another story). When we were asked if we were keeping LO’s name we decided to keep the first name but replace the middle name with two of our choice as the current middle name was too closely linked with a BP.

Today I was given a copy of LO’s birth certificate and to my horror LO has another middle name that we were unaware of. I asked FC, our SW and LO’s SW about middle names but we were only told one. It obviously doesn’t change the fact that they are mine but I feel really disheartened. The name I chose for LO is a family member’s name as a sort of ‘gift’ to show how important they are in mine and my LO’s life. It meant the world to me. Today I found labour that my LO’s middle name is the same name. The problem is it’s the same middle name as one of the BP.
I don’t want to taint it and I don’t want to tell my family member. I feel like I somehow have to prove that ‘I chose it first’ sort of thing. I have already had to accept that my LO’s first name is after a member of the birth family also.
I don’t know who to speak to, how to feel or what. I’m so confused.

I understand how you feel- names feel such a big deal at first. Honestly with time you find it really doesn't matter- they are the same kid whatever they are called.

DD2 had the wrong first name. We were all set to adopt her under a particular name because she'd been abandoned but found out just before placement that the BPs had registered her under a different one.

We kept the name we gave her and bumped the other to middle name.

The problem is it’s the same middle name as one of the BP.
I don’t want to taint it and I don’t want to tell my family member. I feel like I somehow have to prove that ‘I chose it first’ sort of thing. I have already had to accept that my LO’s first name is after a member of the birth family also.

Honestly I think that's perfect. You have a link to your family that will be part of his/her story with added bonus that it's the original birth name, so no complications of getting older and finding out there was a change.

You don't need to prove anything. You will be cleaning up vomit, cuddling away tears, dealing with tantrums, taking them to school, watching hundreds of disney films, not getting enough sleep and asking yourself why they can't learn to flush the fucking toilet.

That's being a parent. Gene donation doesn't compare. It's nice that BPs will have the name connection too- it's so little compared to what you have.

P.S. Your SW is nothing to do with putting the AO application in. You do that after 10 weeks. The only reason to delay is if you want to stay on the books while you wrangle firm written commitments to post adoption support or financial aid (this can be a very effective tactic).

If it isn't that you can put the application in today. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything about that you don't feel happy sharing on here.

I did the same, swap out middle with two of our choosing, one of which was to be a family name. This was fine in consultation with the children as they were older. One of them wanted to keep their middle name name but hadn't actually realised it was birth parents name as birth parent was always addressed by a nickname. They had negative feelings about that but still identified with it as their own name. I explained that the name was also a family name in our family, that's I loved it too and we could re choose it for their new name. Perhaps you can explain to your family member (and later to your child) something similar so both understand it as your choice as well. As previous poster said it will fade to insignificance with time. Congratulations by the way.

Thank you both. That has been really helpful. I feel much better after venting and knowing that it’s not just me. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s just a name and that shouldn’t change anything. I think it’s just the fact we weren’t told about it that bothers me more than anything. @raddledoldmisanthropist I will pm you if that’s ok. I could do with some advice on the AO.

raddledoldmisanthropist I will pm you if that’s ok.

Of course.

It's really hard finding out that something so important about your child has been kept from you. It won't be deliberate, but does it feel like they've kept a secret bit of your child back?

Emotions around names are so complex, and individual, just look at how contentious name change threads are in adoption, compared to the rest of MN!

This really is your child. You don't have to prove anything, as PP said. Middle names rarely come up once life moves on, what happens every day is you call your child the special pet names you have for them. Their new documentation may say Ethel Jane, but only you call them Bobble.

It feels a big deal, because you didn't know, and weren't fully informed, and it's your child. But in the longer term, it won't be an issue.

Congratulations on applying for the AO.

Its unlikely to be deliberate, middle names are generally so unimportant that we don’t really think about them much. Think about friends, how many can you confidently say you know their middle name/s? I know it feels like a huge deal now, but it won’t be in the future.

I was strongly advised to change my sons first name as it was very identifying, I agreed and changed his first name, so he was born for example John Smith, he is now called Dave John Smith Jones (my surname), he knows what his full name is, but I generally called him either Dave-John or John, if he tells someone his name he uses John, he is aware that BM named him John Smith. A name is about identity and the most important thing is how changing part of that identity will impact on the child. Looking back I shouldn’t have changed his first name, and should have just added my surname at the end and left it as that.

You really don’t need to delay the AO due to the SW, I did delay mine, but that was because I was pushing for play therapy to be set up with guaranteed funding for it to continue for at least a year.

Do you have security concerns that mean your LO's name will be too close to the original? Could you change one of the other names instead, such as using a less traceable adaption or diminutive of the first name?

If your feelings are more to do with the important and understandable need to somehow choose and 'claim' LO's identity as part of your family would you be able to reframe the story of their name (for yourself, family and LO) in an 'It was meant to be' kind of way?
e.g. We chose your middle name X after Cousin X and because it's a very important name in our family which we love. Can you believe it when we finally got your documents we found out you had a secret middle name that nobody had ever told us about. Your middle name was already X! It was clearly meant to be and so it's very very special

I think that you and all adopters should be very wary about changing dc's name unless you need to, or unless you are absolutely certain without doubt that your dc will not mind in the future. Also be careful about any need to "claim" and the motivations for it. This thread reads to me as though it is all about the adopter's wants and needs, not about the child's.

The problem is it’s the same middle name as one of the BP. I don’t want to taint it and I don’t want to tell my family member I am sure you didn't mean it like this, but this reads very oddly. It would not be healthy for your dc to know that you felt it was "tainted" so again, please be careful with your thinking here.

Good luck with the adoption order.

In my DMs family a lot of importance is placed on children having a family name as a middle name. When I was matched with my DC, both had middle names that were in my family - one has the same middle name as my DNiece, the other has my DBs first name as middle name. As a PP said, I frame it as 'see, we were meant to be a family, you already had the middle names to match'. In fact, both were originally named after birth relatives, one of whom is serving life for murder, but it honestly doesn't matter, to my DC they have family names as middle names, after my DN and my DB.

Is this not so much about the names as about the fact that you'd chosen a new name, then it turns out birth family got there first? Because I truly think that will matter much less as time goes on. I'd think of it as fate, you chose the name and there it was, just like with my DC - easy for me to say I know, but as an insecure person in general I can honestly say now, 7 years in, I give no thought at all to not having named my DC. All the best.

My best friend as a teenager was adopted at birth. Her adoptive parents named her Emma Elizabeth Brown (not real names!) and she always believed the Elizabeth was after her Adoptive mother, Betty. We used to chat a lot about what her birth name was and how she could have been a whole different person.
In our twenties she traced her birth mother, Liz Smith. It turned out she had been given the middle name Elizabeth after her birth mother, as her adoptive parents felt she should never be forgotten. To make it weirder, her birth mother had also named her Emma Elizabeth - and her birth fathers surname was Brown.
She was always just meant to be Emma Elizabeth Brown. She loves the link between both her families.

** but she came from a very ‘straightforward’ adoption situation, your children’s situation may be different.